acting Archives ⋆ Page 2 of 5 ⋆ Virginia Jones

Buffalo Bill’s Traumatized Personal Assistant

MONDAY: It picks up the silk kimonos from the cleaners. It checks the ticket very, verrry carefully before it gets back into its Geo Metro, to make sure it has the right number of kimonos. We do not want to punish It like last time. It’s harder on Us than on It.

TUESDAY: It sorts tax receipts. It puts mileage receipts in the blue envelope, it puts business purchases in the pink envelope, and it puts tattoo-and-piercing related expenses in a manila envelope. IT DOES NOT SPEND ALL DAY FUCKING AROUND ON FACEBOOK! Nobody wants to see a photo of what It ate for lunch, the food makes It look and smell disgusting.

WEDNESDAY: It brings a fruit plate for Jenny’s baby shower. It chooses a fruit plate with a lot of strawberry and pineapple and not as much melon or kiwi.

THURSDAY: We apologize for saying that it smells disgusting. It sometimes does not smell very bad. We still need It to dust the house, and also to collect all loose teeth into a Mason jar.

FRIDAY: It gets paaaaid. Yayyyy. It can buy all the tacky blue mascara and Lee Press-on Nails it wants. It cashes Its check right away, so that it does not appear outstanding on our bank balance. It is on call all weekend, so It does not turn Its phone off! Its phone is never off!

Life in HOLLYWOOD

The Casting Call

The audition asked for 50’s style plus-sized glamour queens who would be mean to their worshipful boyfriends. This is my jam. I frequently get calls for big booty ladies. Totally fine.

The director (of the music video) is half of a popular absurdist Adult Swim comedy duo Tim and Eric. I thought it would be pretty cool to work for him.

The Waiting Room

They asked actresses to audition in lingerie, which is again, fine.

I went to the waiting room and waited with five other bodacious ladies, most bigger than me, one smaller but very pinup looking.

One girl goes in and comes out and reports to the group, uh, they want you to bend over and they film your butt. We all process that, and another girl leaves. I’m more curious than ever. I’ve seen Wareheim’s video for Pon the Floor and it’s very funny/surreal and it has a lot of butts in it.

One lady leaves halfway through her audition. She said, I couldn’t do that, man. She walks out before I find out what she couldn’t do. Is it the same thing that Meatloaf couldn’t do?

The next lady comes out and basically mocks the women who left, she said, I’ve had it way worse, this is fine. It’s the petite pinup lady.

The Audition

It’s my turn, I’m in a room with four white dudes and they say, we want to show you the concept art so we don’t waste each other’s time, and they show me paintings by Namio Harukawa of large women sitting on dude’s faces, and they ask, hey, are you cool with this? Sitting on a man’s face? And I said, am I cool with making porn?

And they said, no, it’s not porn. I said, well, I’m ok with simulated sex, but what is simulated about this?

One guy says, well, there’ll be a dental dam in between you.

I ask, if I have sex with a condom, isn’t that sex? I need to have pants between me and a stranger’s face. Underpants, minimum.

This whole conversation is dumb anyway, because the reason I wanted to be in this video with Famous Ironic Misogynist is so I could put it in my reel, and I don’t think a clip of me riding face is going to get me the acting work I want.

I see the next day that they “extended casting” to get some more “adventurous ladies”. If anyone’s listening, I suggest you change the call to read “We need you to park your naked keister on a dude’s face.” There’s plenty of porn actresses that would be delighted to do it, for their day rate! Don’t cheap out, cheap-os! Hollywood!

The Aftermath

Update: the video is out, it’s Dripping by Blonde Redhead, and it’s beautifully lit and shot- and super NSFW.

I don’t dislike kink or this kind of art, I just resent that I was being sold it like it was a non-union acting gig. I’m a little tired of the trope of misogyny/sexualizing/mocking of plus sized women that Wareheim seems to work exclusively in. That joke isn’t funny anymore, as the sometimes plus-sized Morrissey sang.

Subtext!

The team that brought you GOTHIXXX is back with SUBTEXT, a show about interpreting life’s mysterious text messages! Send us your mysterious text at asksubtext@gmail.com. All questions will be presented anonymously.

Chivo!

virginia jones photographed by chivo ballerina

I was in a beer ad shot by Chivo, the three-time Oscar winner whose nickname means “The Goat”.

I play a plus sized, sad ballerina in a vintage playroom, shot in the beautiful Palace Theatre on Broadway. The photos he posted on Instagram are lovely and paintinglike and I thought I’d put them here.

Dazzling Red Carpet: 14 Prep Tips For Actresses!

It’s 10 AM, time to get ready for the party in 14 easy steps!

1: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.

2: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond-head drill

3: Get pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until you can wear a size 6.

4: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube

5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower self into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem

6: Whole body is airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M

7: Hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with wig

8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile

9: Show makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have animal fur glued to eyelashes.

10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage

11: Fancy art manicure! Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”

12: Sewing self into gown, add special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight

13: PERFECT! Get strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk-in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!

14: After the event, read all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!

Ladies of Comedy!

I’m so excited to be on this show in a vintage store in Burbank with some AMAZING women, including Laura Kightlinger, Beth Stelling, Emily Heller, April Richardson, and the lovely and talented Brandie Posey!

POSTSCRIPT: This wound up being one of the most memorable shows I have ever done in Los Angeles. For one, each performer was offered a free dress from Pinup Girl’s amazing private label brands of beautifully fitted vintage-inspired pieces.

Secondly, amazing actor James Urbaniak was there with this then-girlfriend, the artist Sara Pocock, and they thought I was pretty funny.

Thirdly, we had a small earthquake during the show, and I thought, “Hey, I might die in the same room as James Urbaniak.

Breakfast Club Revisited

I have now watched Breakfast Club for my personal jillionth time. I still think it’s a movie that holds up over the years, but I have the following questions about the “Happy” ending.

1. Molly Ringwald is overjoyed to have started a relationship with a commitmentphobe alcoholic with rage problems, who screams and stabs desks with knives. Great. I don’t have to point out that every teenage girl who watches this film is in love with John Bender. Apparently, we want to spend our adult years in probation hearings and Al-Anon meetings. A girl who goes out with nerdy Brian has a life of high-end Silicon Valley condo-living ahead of her, and anyone who winds up with Andy will just watch him gain weight after he tears his ACL wrestling but continued to eat a bag of groceries at every meal.

2. Emilio Estevez winds up with a fantasist kleptomaniac pathological liar who showed up to detention because she had nothing better to do, which is like if I showed up at a prison to do time for no reason. He is also overjoyed.

2a. What, is that white shit she’s wearing supposed to be her underwear? She’s wearing frilly long johns underneath her outfit like she’s a Mormon? What is her hair tied back with, her panties?