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Dazzling Red Carpet: 14 Prep Tips For Actresses!

It’s 10 AM, time to get ready for the party in 14 easy steps!

1: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.

2: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond-head drill

3: Get pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until you can wear a size 6.

4: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube

5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower self into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem

6: Whole body is airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M

7: Hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with wig

8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile

9: Show makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have animal fur glued to eyelashes.

10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage

11: Fancy art manicure! Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”

12: Sewing self into gown, add special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight

13: PERFECT! Get strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk-in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!

14: After the event, read all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!