Well, time to start getting ready for the Oscar party!
First step: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.
Step two: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond head drill
Step three: Get that pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until can wear a size 6.
Step four: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube
Step 5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem
Step 6: Have whole body airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M
Step 7: Have hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with Bowie wig
Step 8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile
Step 9: Bring makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have a lady glue animal fur to eyelashes.
Step 10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage
Step 11: Get fancy art manicure. Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”
Step 12: Get sewn into gown, adding special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight
Step 13: PERFECT! Now to be strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!
Step 14: At the event, see all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!