In the throes of postholiday depression, I was just remembering the majesty of Claude Tanner’s pre-suicide poem on Degrassi High. If Caitlin hadn’t dumped him, maybe now the actor David Armin-Parcells wouldn’t be a former Canadian child star working as a wine buyer in Troy, Michigan, and he’d be able to participate in the Next Generation Degrassi with Snake and Spike and the gang. Let’s take a moment to remember, shall we?
Autumn Leaves Dying Leaves Season of DEATH! When winds blow cold Thoughts of death creep in as I sleep I dream I’m in a coffin Safe from the life I don’t want to lead I’m not afraid Soothing, black and warm SOOTHING, BLACK, and WARM! Safe from the pain And safe From the fools Safe, soothing, black.
Everybody has one, their first painful, awful, wonderful, unrequited crush? Right? Anyone? This is mine,Jeremy Schwartz. In my Junior High yearbook, he was voted Funniest Boy. He was active in drama and was a generally hilarious guy. I had never met a hipster before, or that many Jewish boys, and I liked him so much that I talked like a crazy person every time we met.
I know a lot of you are saying; “But how could you ever be socially awkward?” but believe me when I say: Late bloomer. Something about being raised by a man who had no friends kept my social skills weak. When the day came that I asked a friend of his what he thought of me, I got the answer, “He’s pretty creeped out.” This did not dissuade me from planning to name our first child Echo Schwartz, after Echo and the Bunnymen.
Fast forward twenty years, and I found his name in an IMDB listing for the fantastic Strangers with Candy, and dropping Viper-related wisdom on Sopranos, and I was thrilled to when Tivo fished him out of an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger as a snitch named Nicky. Spouse was vaguely horrified to see that I was looking at an episode of W,TR, and then said flatly, “Oh. It’s the guy from the yearbook.” When I heard him speak his lines, telling Chuck Norris’ friends that he would tell them anything to stay out of prison, I time-traveled back to 1987. I have maximum respect for his pursuit of his art, and I am so knocked out by some of the credits he’s racked up, I wanted to post his first dedicated fan page here, in an attempt to spice up his Google search.
When I got to the Boiler Room for five minutes of open mike time, I sat down at a table with two other gentlemen. One of them was kind of familiar. I assumed it was someone I had seen do stand-up. He was drinking a three-olive Martini, which I thought was a little Pearl District for Old Town. I was sitting with Oscar winner Gus Van Sant, his suitcases, and his PA. He was talking moviemaking with his compatriot.
I was excited that the man behind a Drugstore Cowboy might see my five minutes of stand-up. Maybe he’d be impressed by a joke I was telling in German. Maybe he’d write a fantasy biography of my life, casting Nick Cave as my husband, and change my life forever.
When our long-suffering emcee Kevin Michael-Moore launched into a version of The Girl From Ipanema where said girl is legally blind, my new famous friend found his legs and left, his companion carrying his bags.
It was clear after his departure that every other comic had also noticed who it was, and had prepared a joke for him. Instead, we just told them to each other, like usual.