MONDAY: It picks up the silk kimonos from the cleaners. It checks the ticket very, verrry carefully before it gets back into its Geo Metro, to make sure it has the right number of kimonos. We do not want to punish It like last time. It’s harder on Us than on It.
TUESDAY: It sorts tax receipts. It puts mileage receipts in the blue envelope, it puts business purchases in the pink envelope, and it puts tattoo-and-piercing related expenses in a manila envelope. IT DOES NOT SPEND ALL DAY FUCKING AROUND ON FACEBOOK! Nobody wants to see a photo of what It ate for lunch, the food makes It look and smell disgusting.
WEDNESDAY: It brings a fruit plate for Jenny’s baby shower. It chooses a fruit plate with a lot of strawberry and pineapple and not as much melon or kiwi.
THURSDAY: We apologize for saying that it smells disgusting. It sometimes does not smell very bad. We still need It to dust the house, and also to collect all loose teeth into a Mason jar.
FRIDAY: It gets paaaaid. Yayyyy. It can buy all the tacky blue mascara and Lee Press-on Nails it wants. It cashes Its check right away, so that it does not appear outstanding on our bank balance. It is on call all weekend, so It does not turn Its phone off! Its phone is never off!