The Casting Call
The weird audition call asked for 50’s style glamour queens who would be mean to their worshipful boyfriends, and specified plus-sized. This is my jam. I frequently get calls for big booty ladies. Totally fine. I would love to be a big booty dominatrix in a video.
The director (of the music video) is half of a popular absurdist Adult Swim comedy duo whose name rhymes with Merrick Chairheim, and I thought it would be pretty cool to work for him.
The Waiting Room
They asked actresses to be prepared to audition in lingerie, which is again, fine.
I went to the waiting room and waited with five other bodacious ladies, most bigger than me, one smaller but very pinup looking in her overall look.
One girl goes in and comes out and reports to the group, uh, they want you to bend over and they film your butt. So we all kind of process that, and another girl leaves. I stay because I’m more curious than ever. I’ve seen Merrick’s video for Pon the Floor and it’s very funny/surreal but it has a lot of butts in it.
One lady leaves halfway through her audition. I said, what is it? And she said, I couldn’t do that, man. She walks out before I find out what she couldn’t do. Is it the same thing that Meatloaf couldn’t do?
So it’s my turn, I’m in a room with four dudes and they say, we want to show you the concept art so we don’t waste each other’s time, and they show me paintings by Namio Harukawa of large women sitting on dude’s faces, and they ask, hey, are you cool with this? And I said, am I cool with making porn? And they said, no, it’s not porn. And I said, well, I’m ok with simulated sex, you know, acting, but what is simulated about this? And one guy says, well, there’ll be a dental dam in between you.
I ask, if I have sex with a condom, isn’t that sex? I need to have pants between me and a stranger’s face.
This whole conversation is dumb anyway, because the reason I wanted to be in this video with Famous Ironic Misogynist is so I could put it in my reel, and I don’t think a clip of me riding face is going to get me the acting work I want.
I see today that they’ve “extended casting” to get some more “adventurous ladies”, because they had a lot of fallout. If anyone’s listening, I suggest you change the below to read “Park your naked keister on a dude’s face.” There’s plenty of porn actresses that would be delighted to do it, for their day rate! Don’t cheap out, cheap-os! Hollywood!
Update: the video is out, it’s Dripping by Blonde Redhead, and it’s beautifully lit and shot- but it’s super NSFW. I don’t dislike kink or this kind of art, I just resent that I was being sold it like it was a non-union acting gig.