Welcome To My Shit List, Tracy

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Well, you may not be on all the year-end lists you wanted to be on this season, but here’s a couple lists that you can be glad you’re not on:

People I am Not Speaking To For Sexual Misconduct Reasons
People Who, Although They Did Not Commit Misconduct I Am Aware Of, Defended Other Men To Me, I.E. How Do You Like Your Cosby Now? 
I Am Afraid To Speak To You Because I am Not Sure What You Are Going For Comedically And I’m Sure It Shows 
Comics Who I Unfriended Because Another Comic Asked Me To After A Falling Out And They Are Back To Being Friends Again and I’m Not So Fuck Me 
Comics I Am Scared To Speak To Because I Think I Have Them Confused With Other Comics 
Comics I Refuse To Speak To Because They Hurt My Feelings For Something I Don’t Remember What It Is But I Know It Was Something 
Comics Whom I Basically Like But Had To Turn Off Their Thirst Trap Feed
Comics Who Never Found A Spot For Me On A Show They Stopped Booking Years Ago ( I know I am also on this list)
People I Had A Crush On And Am Embarrassed About 
I Understand That You Do Comedy But Not Why 
I Understand That Other People Find You Funny But I Don’t 
I Envy Your Career But You Close On A Poop Joke 
Comics Who I Am Scared To Speak To Because I Think They’re Mad At Me For Something That I Don’t Remember What It Is 
You Are Too Extra For Me To Personally Cope With And I Feel Guilty But There It Is
*or* 
General Shit List

Comedy Through The Seasons

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Well, it’s the holidays, and it’s a hard time of the year to do comedy. It’s the time when all the best-of and who’s-next lists come out, and you might not be on those lists. It’s also when shows go on hiatus or just die off, as the hosts say, well, don’t we have something better to do on a Tuesday? and you say, well,I went to that show ten times last year in hopes of being booked on it, and now that won’t happen. It’s also the time of year when you have to go home and justify to your parents what you’re doing in LA.

And then it’ll be Spring, when all the festivals you sent thirty dollars to drop a note saying you didn’t qualify to fly yourself to a small city and do unpaid shows, but it’s only because they had SO many comics apply and there are SO few spots. And who decided you didn’t make the cut? A guy who lives on his friend’s couch and considers himself to be an expert in burritos. Some festivals you’ve been applying to for so long that other people have started comedy, gone to that festival, and quit comedy to become real people, and all the while you’re still sending in your thirty bucks. You realize that one festival has taken three hundred dollars from you, and you could have just flown yourself to New York to do unpaid sets. You do a show with a nice enough guy whose whole set is about how he likes smoking pot and how dating is hard, and he’s done every comedy festival you haven’t done. It’s a hard time of year to be a comic then.

After that is Summer, when you might hit the road and do some gigs, really remind yourself what it is to do comedy for real people, not those sycophants and ass kissers back home, except for every show you get to, everyone’s at the tractor pull or the air show or they’re just wandering the streets on a clear, warm summer night, holding hands and sharing a bag of kettle corn, like regular people, instead of spending the night trapped inside a sweaty comedy club listening to some LA asshole who can’t even get into festivals. And that’s a hard time of the year to do comedy.

After that it’s Fall, when your friends who started writing for television are up for Important Awards, and they look so great in their red carpet outfits on Instagram, and the new shows start and you’re not on any of ’em, I mean sure, you take some comfort in the fact that the pilot you didn’t get cast for didn’t get picked up, but it’s time to get out to the new shows to kiss up to the new bookers, who two years ago were open mikers you wouldn’t deign to speak to but now you’re their Facebook friends, until they stop booking those shows and you quietly unfriend them. It’s a hard time of year to be comic, then.

Open Mic Simulator by Patrick Susmilch!

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You guys, apart from Banksy shredding one of his paintings with a robot he made, this game has been the best thing I’ve seen this week- it’s a choose-your-own-adventure style game with some amazing easter eggs- try ALL the options to find the screenplay, the erotic tale, the list of 1000 funny women that includes a shout out to yours truly- this is a very funny and very truthful account of what it’s like to do open mic comedy in Los Angeles!