I have updated my map of everywhere I’ve done comedy. If I’ve ever done your show and you wondered what I thought about it, you can probably find out!
Andrew Max Levy, a talented guy, @justoffthesix on Instagram, has been photographing LA comics and comedy shows for years. He recently made an offer to photograph Angelenos who had donated to #blacklivesmatter, and scheduled over 70 shoots. I was so glad to be part of an important fundraiser and get some nice shots.
Most of us have upgraded from our first disposable surgical masks or, if you were lucky, the N95, which was such a hot fashion item in March.
Now, we have an assortment of fabric masks in a fun array of colors and textures. Our friends have made them, our moms have made them, maybe we’ve made them. We’ve graduated from starting every outing by tying a bandanna around our faces like Jesse James. We’ve hit Etsy to get a mask with Batman or Hamilton on it, or any fandom except Harry Potter because fuck that lady! But how do we refresh our look for a long, hot isolated Summer?
Tip 1: Remember sunscreen! It may feel safe to go out with sunglasses and a mask on, but if you don’t use sunscreen, your tan is gonna make you look like a reverse Panda bear.
Tip 2: For fun, coordinate your mask with your swimsuit, your sneakers, or the sweatpants you’ve been wearing for 150 days in a row!
Tip 3: You can wear a lined mask in breezy summer fabrics like poplin and broadcloth, do a printed floral for a flirty, feminine touch, or stick with canvas or denim for a practical, DIY look. Anything but mesh and organza is great!
Tip 4: If your mask looks boring, and/or you’ve gone insane, accessorize with sequins, rhinestones, or studs! Not grommets, though. Grommets are bad.
Tip 5: Cut up those band tees you’ve outgrown or gotten bleach on and make a mask by hand! Now, everyone at the Trader Joe’s can tell you like Belle and Sebastian or Sebadoh! Maybe you can put a band together on Zoom! Super cool.
Tip 6: If you don’t like wearing a mask, or don’t think you can breathe with one on, stay home! If you want to go grocery shopping without a mask, order groceries online! If you think the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to you, stay home and do a podcast, you fucking narcissist! Stay the fuck home!
Jesus, did you guys get this email? I know the airlines are having a tough time of it, but this seems…I don’t know, extreme?
Lady Bloodmeadow joins Tinder. If you want a goth girlfriend, please watch her video. She really only has one requirement for partners. If you’d like to see more of Bloodmeadow, check out her Youtube playlist here.
A Letter From The Editor of Vogue Magazine
Welcome to our big Fall Fashion issue! It’s HUGE and HEAVY and GLOSSY and you could really knock someone around with it.
We’ve got the hottest food, diet, and skin trends, but let’s face it, you’re all here for the same thing- the FALL FASHION PREVIEW! It is LEGEND. It is the Christmas Mass of fashion magazines- everyone shows up once a year!
After this editor’s letter we’ve got the table of contents, a list of the celebrity photographers who aren’t cancelled yet, a Gucci ad, another Gucci ad, a Gucci perfume sample, and BOOM here it is, it’s been gossipped about, worried over for six months: what’s the hot trend for fall?
It is one of the monumental pleasures of my job to reveal this delicious, well-guarded information each year. And reveal it I shall.
It’s plaid again, ya dumbshits! It will always be plaid! It’s back to school time, so every woman alive is dressing like she’s showing up to Saint Lucy Of The Bleeding Eyes in some pubescent fever dream, even though for most us, back to school was a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a video game on it.
It’s because men maintain this fantasy of women with knee socks and short plaid skirts long after their own kids graduate college.
I mean, if you want to know- that’s not really why.
It’s because even after wartime material rationing ended in 1945, the UK wool industry, drunk on military production, had overproduction they could not handle, and they wound up convincing Vogue to promote plaid for Fall 1946. Business being what it is, unlearning and unyielding, we now HAVE to do wool plaid as a fashion trend EVERY FALL or the ENTIRE GLOBAL WOOL INDUSTRY WILL COLLAPSE. We have all signed a binding document, witnessed by Harry S. Truman and Winston Churchill, tying us to this unending, infernal cycle.
That’s a secret, which you’re not supposed to know. But after all these years, I know that NO-ONE has ever read the letter from the editor.
Fall is also when everyone’s a Goth, because New York starts getting dark and cold and that’s where the fashion editors live- so there’s gonna be a shiny dominatrix boot and a smoky eye as well. Leather skirts. Spikes on handbags, the least scary place to put spikes. Don’t sit on it! Oooh, kinky! Spank me, Daddy! I work in marketing!
Next is the makeup section, where some poor photo stylist has sliced up a tube of Gucci lip lacquer with a length of dental floss and stacked it up in an uneven, wabi-sabi tower of tiny red grease slabs, and drizzled the whole thing over with a clear gel, because there is nothing interesting about makeup.
But don’t forget about plaid! We’re doing plaid! Did you know it has different names? It’s Stewart Tartan, Black Watch, or Burberry. You’ll get it in skirts and on bags and blouses and jackets, and on ties, and headbands and shit, let’s do panties too, because it’s fall, and it’s like every fall for fifty years before we were alive, and it will continue long after we’re dead! Now get out there and get mad for plaid, like the man said!
Life is long, children. Life is long.
Signed, Anna Wintour
White Americans: Wow, Black Lives Matter. I can’t believe all you’ve been through. How can we help?
Black Americans: Wow, that’s great, you can march with us, you can donate to #BLM and charities that help with legal fees and bail money, and you can make a habit of supporting Black businesses.
White Americans: Great. What else?
Black Americans: Well, you could amplify Black voices and also petition to local government representatives on behalf of Black people who have died at the hands of police.
White Americans: Happy to do that. And we will also post teary eyed videos about how we regret racism and we will get in fights with strangers on Facebook!
Black Americans: Uhhh if you want to
White Americans: Yes, we will seek out people on Facebook who we don’t know well and unfriend them if they don’t support #BLM!
Black Americans: Well, you can talk with your friends and family about systematic racism, that would be great
White Americans: Not enough! We will track down people we don’t know who are posting about all lives matter on Facebook and we will try to get them fired from their jobs! We will call other white women Karen, the worst thing you can call a person!
Black Americans: Uh you don’t have to do that
White Americans: STAND BACK AND WATCH US SHINE!
Dear Friend/Family Member/Other;
I hope this personalized form letter finds you safe/healthy/as well as can be expected/up to your earholes in homemade bread/making a killing selling black market hand sanitizer.
This week, I made a few PPE masks at home and wanted to send you one/two/several for you and your spouse/child/pet/roommate/(N/A), I hope that sweet/little/handsome _______ is also doing well.
I want you to know that I love you, and I know that you love me back/wish I didn’t/probably know who I am.
Remember, this is all temporary and one day we’ll look back at this time and laugh ruefully/sexily/hysterically. It’s all just a fad, like dabbing or Linsanity or Snuggie parties, or when we had to put those old-timey moustaches on everything.
Keep safe, my brave friend/family member/other, and I will see you on the other side, and we will clasp hands warmly and connect through our hyperbaric chambers/rubber gloves/VR realities.
Your Friend/Family Member/Other