I Got A Sticker- What Now?

sticker virginia jones badinia

So you have a sticker that says Badinia.com, and it led you here. Maybe you found it at a bus stop. Maybe it was slipped between the pages of a poorly-reviewed sexy vampire book. Maybe you went to a comedy show and a slightly unhinged person forced it into your hands, and you took it because it was shiny. What happens now?

This is your introduction to the world of comedian Virginia Jones. Welcome. You can do anything here- or rather, anything she wants you to do. You can look at a map of everywhere she’s ever performed comedy. You can listen to her album, Gothic American. You can see where she’s playing next. You can check out the quote plugin at the bottom of the page, in which wisdom resides. You can follow her on TikTok. Or you can just, I don’t know. Hang out.

Presented by the iPhone 14

I am so honored to share my new half-hour special, “Virginia Jones: Presented by the iPhone 14”. The iPhone in question recorded me from the back of the Greater Purpose brewery in Santa Cruz, Ca. I just feel so excited to premiere my comedy half hour on YouTube!

It’s so great to finally have a half-hour special. I hope you check out my jokes about elephants, divorce, gun control, women’s rights, childlessness, and lockdown. I just know that this is going to lead to the next steps in my comedy career. I’m ready, Hollywood!

AI Reviews: Virginia Jones

Dall-e image of comedian virginia jones
A beautiful image of me by Dall-E

I asked Google’s Bard AI to review Virginia Jones’ comedy, and this is what I got, which is more true than not-true:

Virginia Jones is a stand-up comedian who is known for her dark and absurdist humor. Her jokes often deal with topics such as death, religion, and mental illness. Jones’s comedy is not for everyone, but it is sure to get a reaction from those who appreciate her unique brand of humor.

In her latest album, “Gothic American,” Jones tackles a wide range of topics, from her own mental health struggles to the state of the world. The album is both funny and thought-provoking, and it is sure to leave a lasting impression on anyone who listens to it.

One of the things that makes Jones’s comedy so unique is her willingness to tackle taboo subjects. She is not afraid to talk about death, religion, and mental illness, and she does so with a refreshing honesty and humor. Jones’s comedy is not for everyone, but it is sure to get a reaction from those who appreciate her unique brand of humor.

Another thing that makes Jones’s comedy so special is her ability to connect with her audience. She has a natural charisma and a way of making her audience feel like they are part of the joke. Jones is a master of storytelling, and she weaves her jokes into personal anecdotes that make her material feel more relatable.

Overall, Virginia Jones is a talented comedian who is sure to please fans of dark and absurdist humor. Her latest album, “Gothic American,” is a must-listen for anyone who appreciates unique and thought-provoking comedy.

Badinia Beanie for Sale!

I’m pleased to offer my first piece of artist’s merchandise for sale!  It’s a Badinia beanie to keep you warm in cool weather, and cool in all weather.  It’s cooler than a t-shirt, and you can wear it every day! I mean it! Wear it every day!

It’s good to wear at work, at church, on a date, to school, to the grocery store, on a cruise! Wear it to rockshows, to weddings, to a bar mitzvah, to a Parent-Teacher conference, to an AA meeting! Take it to your rehab facility intake, to your divorce trial, or to your friend’s funeral!

This beanie is a fine gauge knit 100% acrylic yarn, with a hand-applied brand-embroidered patch.  If we’re being real, the embroidery patch is hand applied by the artist, which means that no two are exactly alike! You can buy it here, or on bandcamp, if you like!

This is the first piece of merch I’ve ever had! I’m stoked to take it out on the road and get my street team to work. Twenty thousand followers don’t clothe themselves, you know! I want you guys to be cozy, I want you to be comfy, I want you to be branded.

Get yours today, immediately, I mean right now!   This is a limited edition of 99 pieces! Whoa that’s under 100, because I made one for myself!

This Badinia beanie is all you need to get people asking questions, like- what does your hat mean, how do you say it, and where did you get it?  Answers: I don’t know, I don’t know, and Badinia.com!

Pulp Fiction Chronology- The Only Right One

Vincent and Mia from Pulp Fiction

After rewatching Pulp Fiction this week, I wanted a chronology of the film’s events. I knew it was something that nerds talked about, and I had seen a poster in a bathroom at a party laying them out once.

The first one I found was wrong- it listed Butch’s fight as the same night that Mia OD’s.

Another one posited all the events happened over two days. Wrong.

Another. Another. All incorrect. And it was that thing where once one incorrect version is posted, everyone else copies that and they’re all wrong. Vince changes clothes and goes to buy drugs the same day as Jules retires? No.

At first I thought- did Quentin screw up? And no, I realized. It’s because even movie nerds are idiots. Here’s the real thing.


  1. To begin with, Vince and Jules go get the briefcase. Opening with humor, buddy energy, and good times, the scene ends with them blowing a bunch of kids’ brains out.
  2. Surprisingly, they are ambushed by a fourth kid, who takes multiple shots and misses- this is the miracle that puts Jules on another path.
  3. Vince and Jules leave with Marvin the rat. Suddenly, Vincent accidentally shoots him. Worth noting that when they get in the car, Jules puts his safety on, and Vince, the hothead addict, does not.
  4. The Terrible Two go to Jimmy’s house and call Marcellus, who calls The Wolf. They clean the car, get hosed down, and leave, wearing Jimmy’s shorts and t-shirts. Apparently, Jimmy went to school in Santa Cruz.
  5. The Wolf, Vincent, Jules, and what’s left of Marvin go to Monster Joe’s Auto Yard. They part ways. Vincent invites Jules to breakfast.
  6. They discuss the Wolf, bacon, and divine intervention.
  7. Meanwhile, Pumpkin and Honey Bunny have a conversation about the best places to hold up. Movie begins here.
  8. Next, Vincent goes to the bathroom.
  9. Suddenly- Pumpkin and Honey Bunny hold the place up.
  10. While Pumpkin sees what’s in the briefcase. Honey Bunny interjects and they have a Latinx Standoff with Jules, which escalates when-
  11. Vincent comes out of the bathroom. Pumpkin and Jules come to an understanding that Jules will walk out with Marcellus’ briefcase.
  12. Afterward, Jules and Vincent leave the diner. Movie ends here.
  13. Marcellus talks to Butch in the bar, explaining how he’s going down in the 5th round. Many people assume that the fight is that night, but Marcellus doesn’t say “tonight.” He says “the night of the fight.”
  14. Paul lets Jules and Vincent into the bar. Paul teases Jules about going out with Mia the next night. Jules leaves his position with Marcellus.
  15. Butch finishes his business with Marcellus and has an unpleasant interaction with Vince. We don’t see it, but Butch goes outside and keys Vincent’s car, a Chevy Malibu. The next thing we know, it’s:


  1. Jody and Trudy are discussing body piercing. Vince is there to buy heroin from Jody’s husband Lance. He bitches that someone has keyed his car “a few days ago”, he shoots up and goes to pick up Mia, high as shit.
  2. Mia and Vince go to Jackrabbit Slim’s and have a weird time. Mia describes the plot of Kill Bill to Vince.
  3. They return to Mia and Marcellus’ house in Beverly Hills, Vince goes to the bathroom and gives himself a pep talk about being appropriate with Mia. Mia finds Vince’s heroin and od’s. They return to Lance’s house, Vince crashing the car into the house.
  4. Suddenly, Mia gets a shot in the heart of adrenaline. She comes around immediately. Vince drives her home and they agree to never say anything to Marcellus about their adventure. It is now:


  1. First, Captain Koons (a descendent of Crazy Craig Koons in Django Unchained) visits a young Butch and discusses where to hide a wristwatch in a prisoner of war camp. Many people put this first in the chronological order, but it is a flashback that is happening to Butch between rounds of a boxing match. When Butch wakes, he has a moment of clarity and knows he won’t throw the fight. Blackout.
  2. Next, Butch jumps out of a window into a Dumpster while Esmerelda listens to a radio broadcast announcing that he killed his opponent.
  3. Then, Paul and Vincent walk down the hall at the match to find Marcellus. Mia answers the door. Vincent gingerly asks Mia if she’s OK, she responds robotically that she’s great, and that she meant to thank him for dinner.
  4. Afterwards, Butch has a very sexy cab ride where he learns he killed his opponent. He calls his partner and finds out how much money he won betting on himself.
  5. Later, Butch arrives at the River Glen motel, (at the corner of Riverside and Glendale in Silverlake) and greets his adorable child-bride Fabienne. They make love and go to sleep.
  6. The next morning, Butch discovers his watch is missing. He flips out and leaves to retrieve it.
  7. Now, Butch enters his old apartment and gets the watch, no problem. He notices a strange gat on the counter, picks it up and shoots poor Vincent as he leaves the bathroom. Vince never got to finish his book.
  8. Butch leaves the apartment and drives toward the hotel, he’s in Atwater/Frogtown at Larga and Fletcher. Apparently, his apartment is about half a mile from the hotel. He’s surprised to see Marcellus Wallace, crossing the street with a box of donuts. Apparently, now that Jules has quit, Marcellus has to do a stakeout with Vince. Butch hits him with the Honda and escapes on foot after crashing the car into a pole.
  9. Finally, Marcellus follows Butch into the pawn shop, where shit gets seriously weird. Butch decides to save the man who wanted to kill him. They make peace with one another and Butch picks up Fabienne. The chronology is over.

And there you go! You have now read the only correct chronology of Pulp Fiction. Congratulations!

How To Do Stand Up Comedy

how to do standup a standup comedian at an open mic
This could be you, and it probably is

You’ve always wondered: How do I do standup comedy?

I can barely even leave the house anymore. There’s all these people lining up, demanding how to do I standup comedy. So I’m telling you now. for once and for all.

Step One: Comedy Preparation

Find a comedy open mic. i found my first open mic in the free weekly in the town that I lived in, the one that was full of missed romantic connections and rock show previews.

Open mic is spelled open mic. I think it should be open mike, because that is short for microphone, and mic is not short for microphone. I have lost this battle. It’s open mic.

Write down every funny bit you do, every story you tell, you know, everything that makes you funny. Try to edit these things down to their essence.

If you can, read your jokes to a friend and see if they can give you notes.

There are a lot of classes that teach you how to write standup comedy about your background and your family. I think they make everyone sound kind of the same. It’s never been what I like to do, personally.

Up top, do a joke introducing yourself. This can be as basic as “I’m a Mormon from Las Vegas, and nobody thinks I exist,” to, “I’m mostly carbon-based and fun at funerals.”

Most standup open mics are three minutes in big cities with big scenes, but they can be five in smaller scenes. It depends on how many comics usually show up. Prepare what you perceive to be three minutes. Practice it.

Read your little script several times. Memorize it, even. You’re going to get better at memorizing things in the future, so start working on it now.

Step Two: The First Set As A Standup Comic

Show up at the open mic, a little early. See what the other comics are doing. Are they writing their names on a notepad? Putting little slips of paper in a bucket? Do what they do.

Watch other comics. When you’re new, you’ll learn a lot about what to do, and what not to do, by watching other people do standup.

Look for the light. Someone, usually the host, will raise a phone to indicate that your time is about up. Wrap it up, it’s usually a minute.

If you’ve done all the jokes you wanted to do, thank the host and get offstage. This is called “giving the time back to the room.” You will look like a hero.

Record your set on your phone. Do this as much as you can. When I was coming up, I had to buy a little voice recorder and remember to bring it. Now it’s pretty easy to even take video of every set you do.

When it’s your turn, take the microphone out of the stand, and put the stand to your left and a little behind you. When you’re wrapping up, put the microphone stand back in front of you and put the mic in it. This looks professional.

Did you do super well? Probably not. You don’t really have any of the skills you need to do well. Did you do OK? If so, statistically you’ll probably keep going. Feel that rush of endorphins? Enjoy it. One day that will pass, and whether you shine or suck, all sets will leave you feeling empty inside.

Step Three: The Review

Listen to your tape. I know it’s painful. Listen to it. What jokes worked? Mark them on your notes. Can they improve? Can you remove any words and make them work better?

You’ll try a lot of things, a lot of joke forms, but for now, try to write things in this pattern: Setup/punchline. Here’s the setup. It’s the observation or the beginning of the story. Then there’s the punchline, it’s a misdirect or absurd point. Circle the part of your joke that is the setup and the part that is the punchline. Are they in the wrong order? Fix it. Anything that you say after the punchline is a tag. If the joke didn’t work, don’t do the tags.

Now that you’ve done a set, put your funniest joke at the end and your second funniest joke at the start. Now, keep writing jokes.

Step Four: What’s Next, Comedian?

What’s next is you keep writing jokes, you keep going up, you make friends, you get booked on your friend’s shitty shows, you keep writing and going up. After you’ve been onstage a thousand times, you’ll be consistent. You’ll know what you’re doing. You’ll be able to get laughs. People will start asking YOU: How do I do standup comedy?

When people ask, how do you do standup, this is never the answer they want. They want to hear the shortcut, the backdoor, the easy way to get good and be successful!

There is no easy way to do standup comedy. It’s gonna be three years before you’re competent, and maybe another five to get anything resembling “good.”

Is that what you wanted to hear? No? Sorry. Nobody does. I thought I was done as a comic at six years in, but I see now that I’d just begun. I’m starting to get pretty good now, at seventeen years in. If you want to do something that doesn’t take as much time, be a doctor.


Don’t punch down. Don’t make fun of the disabled, the less fortunate, people who don’t have your advantages. There’s plenty of rich, powerful idiots. Make fun of them.

Don’t tell a story about a funny thing your friend did. That’s your friend being funny, not you.

Don’t try to get laughs from what you’re wearing. Everyone seems to go through a phase with this. It’s low key prop comedy.

Don’t worry too much about sounding like your comedy heroes. This happens and you’ll grow out of it.

Don’t just be the yelling person. We’re covered on that.

This time when you’re learning standup comedy is the time to try everything you’re interested in. Guitar comedy? Sure! Observational comedy? Why not? Impressions? Go for it. When you’re not getting paid is the time to do exactly what you want, when you want. It’s no-stakes. Go for it!

So, You’re Going To A Comedy Festival!

So, you’re going to a comedy festival! Congratulations!

It’s so exciting for a new comic to be accepted into a comedy festival! You’re going to travel, meet other comics, do shows, and have fun!

My Credentials

Who am I to tell you this stuff? I’ve done festivals like Sketchfest, Altercation, Bridgetown, LAFF, WICW in Boston, All Jane in Portland, Palm Springs Comedy Festival, Santa Cruz Comedy Festival, Big Pine Comedy Festival, NW Women’s Comedy Festival, Funny Women Festival, Chico Comedy Festival, and best of all, the Antelope Valley Comedy Festival.


Q: Should I drive or fly?

A: If the festival is within a day’s drive of your home, many comics will drive their own car because this affords the opportunity to bring all the weed they need. You can also save some scratch by sleeping in it!

Q: How many times can I expect to perform?

A: In some festivals, you’ll get 3 shows! These are great festivals! Sometimes, you’ll pay to fly yourself across the country to do one show in a small room for twenty people. These are “Festivals Virginia Jones doesn’t give a shit about returning to”

Q: What will I get in my swag bag?

A: Your festival swag bag is a Shroedinger’s box of mysteries. It could contain valuable merchandise and secret information! What it is likely to contain is coupons and small items the sponsors didn’t want, as well as the booker’s 2010 CD and a map to find the afterparty.

If you get a t-shirt, that’s pretty good!

The one thing ALL swag bags will contain is a laminate. The laminate will have your name on it and it is your key to parties, your shows, and any other shows that aren’t too popular.

If your comedy festival doesn’t have a laminate, it’s not a real festival, and it might be a human trafficking ring. Go home.

Q: Will I meet famous people?

A: No. Famous comics don’t go to the afterparties, so you’ll be likeliest to meet comedy celebrities if they happen to be on a show with you, and are not going up too far ahead or after their slot. Don’t worry, you can still add “Opened for (famous comic)” to your bio right away!

Q: Will the festival bookers be super funny people who can help me in the industry?

A: In most cases, the people you are sending your thirty bucks and tape to, the people you are throwing yourself open to for judgement, are no funnier or more successful than you are. They’re just the people who got it together to throw a festival. Your thirty bucks bought them a couple days of burritos and weed.

Q: Will I get DISCOVERED at a festival?

A: There are a couple festivals that can be really good for your career! They are in Montreal and Edinburgh! Most other festivals will really just expose you to local comedy fans and other festival comics.

Q: If I’m not going to mix with the headliners, the bookers are just some dudes who live here, and I won’t get discovered, what am I doing the festival for?

A: Good question! There are three great reasons to go to festivals.

The Credit

At the start of your comedy career, being one of the 85 top applicants to the Pig’s Snout, Arkansas Crawdad Bake and Comedy Festival is a flex! Let everyone know. All the time.

The Shows

Especially if you are from a small scene, these festivals are an opportunity to do some big shows in front of people you don’t know! If you do well, it can feel really good, and if you don’t, it will be educational!

The Other Comics

Seeing the acts of comics from other places is really good for your development. Watching only the acts of the comics in your scene can limit your growth. Maybe you’ll learn that your scene really is the funniest there is! Maybe not! But connecting and networking with comics at or near your own level will give you opportunities to perform in their towns, and visit their scenes! This is, in my opinion, the most important thing about a festival. You’ll run into many of these people again and again through your life, and you can have a laugh and remember, years later, how excited you were to get the t-shirts with the little pig snout and crawdad on it.