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Life in HOLLYWOOD

The Casting Call

The audition call asked for 50’s style plus-sized glamour queens who would be mean to their worshipful boyfriends. This is my jam. I frequently get calls for big booty ladies. Totally fine.  It’s how I worked with Chivo.  

The director (of the music video) is half of a popular absurdist Adult Swim comedy duo Tim and Eric, and I thought it would be pretty cool to work for him.

The Waiting Room

They asked actresses to audition in lingerie, which is again, fine.

I went to the waiting room and waited with five other bodacious ladies, most bigger than me, one smaller but very pinup looking in her overall look.

One girl goes in and comes out and reports to the group, uh, they want you to bend over and they film your butt. So we all kind of process that, and another girl leaves. I stay because I’m more curious than ever. I’ve seen Wareheim’s video for Pon the Floor and it’s very funny/surreal and it has a lot of butts in it.

One lady leaves halfway through her audition. She said, I couldn’t do that, man.  She walks out before I find out what she couldn’t do.  Is it the same thing that Meatloaf couldn’t do?

The next lady comes out and basically mocks the women who left, she said, I’ve had it way worse, this is fine.  It’s the petite pinup lady.

The Audition

So it’s my turn, I’m in a room with four dudes and they say, we want to show you the concept art so we don’t waste each other’s time, and they show me paintings by Namio Harukawa of large women sitting on dude’s faces, and they ask, hey, are you cool with this?  Sitting on a man’s face?  And I said, am I cool with making porn? And they said, no, it’s not porn. And I said, well, I’m ok with simulated sex, but what is simulated about this?

One guy says, well, there’ll be a dental dam in between you.

What?

I ask, if I have sex with a condom, isn’t that sex? I need to have pants between me and a stranger’s face.  Underpants, minimum.

This whole conversation is dumb anyway, because the reason I wanted to be in this video with Famous Ironic Misogynist is so I could put it in my reel, and I don’t think a clip of me riding face is going to get me the acting work I want.

I see the next day that they “extended casting” to get some more “adventurous ladies”, because they had a lot of fallout.  If anyone’s listening, I suggest you change the call to read “We need you to park your naked keister on a dude’s face.”  There’s plenty of porn actresses that would be delighted to do it, for their day rate!  Don’t cheap out, cheap-os!  Hollywood!

The Aftermath

Update: the video is out, it’s Dripping by Blonde Redhead, and it’s beautifully lit and shot- but super NSFW.  I don’t dislike kink or this kind of art, I just resent that I was being sold it like it was a non-union acting gig, and I realize I’m a little tired of the trope of misogyny/sexualizing/mocking of plus sized women that Wareheim seems to work exclusively in.  That joke isn’t funny anymore, as the sometimes plus-sized Morrissey sang.