Vegetabletarian!

Posted 2 CommentsPosted in comedy, vegan

I stopped eating meat 30 years ago today and this is what I’ve learned:

If you tell people you had to stop eating meat for health reasons, because you were gonna die if you didn’t stop, that will make them feel better.  If you say it’s for moral or environmental reasons,  that makes them feel bad.

Hitler was a vegetarian for health reasons and everyone liked him for it, I guess.

If you go to someone’s house who eats meat who knows you don’t, they will give you something covered in cheese, because they are not sure what else there is.

I have learned that sometimes vegans are strident and annoying but that also sometimes carnivores are strident and annoying and also smell like dead flesh.

I discourage romantic partners from becoming vegan because when you break up their friends will say how you made them do it and the next time you see them they could be eating a rolled up hamburger patty over a fire and it will be weird.

BBQ sauce is still delicious, because it’s really just ketchup and liquid smoke.

“Tofurkey” is a spoonerism of Faux Turkey, so you can stop wondering about that.

If a business/package/flyer is green, I know it’s probably for vegans, if it’s black it might be for fancy vegans!

I have never, ever, not for one day in the past 30 years, gotten my RDA of protein of 65 grams a day. How am I still alive?  God’s will and a miracle I’m sure.

Did you know that every cup in a breakfast place stinks like eggs from the dishwasher? They do!

Did you know that before we had Impossible Burger or garden burger or morningside, we made veggie burgers out of falafel that we made kind of flat?

Did you know that Meat is Murder made me a vegetarian, even though it’s not a very good song and has cow noises in it from those little turnover cow things?

Did you know that if a neighborhood has a good coffeeshop, bike lanes, and a vintage store, it must by law have a vegan cafe?

When California was in heavy drought and some restaurants had tabletops suggesting eating vegetarian to save water I laughed I thought I’d die, vegetarians have been saying that for years but we are made out to be pricks for loving almonds.

The first vegan I ever met in the world was Derron Pulley, and he ate nothing but fried tofu and brown rice, because we lived in Dallas, and this probably scared me off trying veganism for a decade.

Vegetarians think they’re 90% like vegans and vegans think vegetarians are one late lunch from eating cooked ground beef by the handful.

Bacon isn’t as funny or as universal a punchline as the internet thinks it is.

Everything that the earth makes, that grows from the ground or from the trees is vegan until you start shoving animals into it.

Can’t wait to learn even more!

No Gracias, Madre- my review from Yelp.com

Posted Posted in los angeles, Uncategorized, vegan

  I have always loved Gracias Madre SF and was looking forward to checking out the new Melrose location.   Every time I’d been to San Francisco, I’d made it a point to visit Gracias Madre, even though it was always a wait and jam-packed with happy customers.  I had been talking our local outpost up to local and far-flung vegans.  It was a bit of a wait, as usual, but our spicy Purista tequila drinks and cauliflower and cashew cream were fantastic.

When I got my entree, however, I bit down hard on a tooth-sized shard of glass that had been inside.   I felt that unpleasant nausea of “did I break a tooth” and then tasted blood as I scraped my tongue.  We called the waitress over and she apologized and told the kitchen.  The manager came over and apologized again.  I was offered a comp dessert, but I found that my appetite was reduced after the glass chewing.  The last thing I needed to deal with was glass-filled Mexican wedding cookies.  I was pleased to see that the tab was reduced to just drinks and one entree and we sent our card to pay.  An apologetic waitress came back over and said she’d gotten it wrong, she was only supposed to take off the entree that had the glass in it, and brought us a new tab.
Look, I’m not complaining that I got a large, sharp shard glass in my food, which ruined my dinner and evening.  I know that this stuff can happen, and in their defense, glass is totally vegan.  I’m just surprised that the comp was only for the food that had glass in it.
I hate to review a vegan restaurant like this, but I really feel that this was handled poorly.
See the receipt with the code for foreign object discount, which for some reason made me laugh.  In short, gracias but no gracias, man.

My receipt, showing the discount for a foreign object in my food. Yum!

 

It’s a Very Vegan Christmas!

Posted Posted in fashion, gay, los angeles, seattle, vegan, women

 

My talented best friend Pete (designer of my website, music impresario, DJ and artist- previously mentioned here, here, and here, and here and here!)  has made this adorable t-shirt, suitable for you or your vegan/vegetabletarian friends and family!

  It’s available in yellow, green, or blue, and is hand-printed in Pete’s home studio in soft, eco-friendly waterbased inks.  I like this tee especially because it doesn’t have the “and you’re a dick” subtext of a lot of veggie tees, it’s just a fun burger that loves you and wants to be eaten, because everyone knows that tofu is a very masochistic food.  Click HERE to order!

This first run is limited to 75 pieces!  You’ll be wearing the only tofu burger tee in the whole vegan grocery/yoga class/tall bike ride/waterpark/DJ night/transgender dance party/coffee bean tasting/hula hoop class/laundromat dance party/bear bowling event!

Happy Anniversary

Posted Posted in comedy, long beach, los angeles, vegan
My Boyfriend, The Automatic Espresso Maker

This Friday is a very special anniversary for me.  I had a furious one-sided battle with Starbucks last year, who at first lured me in with the promise of free soymilk in exchange for unquestioning fealty, and then took it away, so I bought a Gaggia Titanium espresso machine and started making lattes at home, despite not really knowing how.

How fast a year flies by, especially when your heart is palpitating!  I am at 1700 espressos pulled (double shots) and have cleared $5,000 in savings.  I have put fancy beans (David Lynch, my favorite local Groundworks, Lord Windsor from Long Beach) and cheap/normal beans (bulk from Costco, no-name sale beans at Fresh & Easy) and I’m sorry to say, every single pull has been fucking delicious.   The  beans create a variety of flavors but I’ve never pulled a shot I didn’t care for.

When I’m away from home, I have been using an Aeropress rig that I’ve used to pull shots in the Catskills, in my sister’s place in New York, on set in Van Nuys and Simi Valley, and in the adorable hipster paradise that is Hicksville trailer park in Joshua Tree.  Pulling hot espresso shots on the fly makes you very popular with musicians, comedians, writers, actors, and directors.  This is also very fun to use and makes a delicious shot, but it’ll never replace my main man.

I mean, what does love mean if it’s not slowly killing you?

Alt Resume

Posted Posted in artsy fartsy, comedy, costume, fashion, gay, Gothic, gothixxx, halloween, karaoke, long beach, los angeles, music, portland, seattle, trivia, vegan, women

I am close to taking my Summer Sabbatical, which is not really what it is, but it makes my Mom feel better when I say “I’m Taking A Sabbatical” instead of “I’m quitting my job and hanging out all Summer”.  I thought it was time to get my list of “OTHER” skills together and post them on the Internet.

If you feel like you read a slightly different but kind of the same list as this one, it’s because my site was hacked and my service restored from last week’s restore point and I lost it.  It’s because SOMEONE was very jealous of my 70 hits a day.  Eat it, haters!

1. Pit Toilets: I’m very good at using pit toilets in Asia.  You just have to pretend you’re camping, which you kind of are.

2. Sleeping on Airplanes: Also work related.  I can sleep bolt upright on a red eye to Turkey and emerge as fresh and ready as if I had slept in a garbage- filled car.

3.  Tap Dancing.  I’m not the world’s best tap dancer (SAVION GLOVER, because we can really only have one famous tap dancer at a time), but it’s the skill that took the most time and expense to learn, and which has the lowest street value.  I’m considering trying to make people pay me NOT to do it.

4.  Bemani.  It’s no longer fashionable but I can totally do it- I get more points for style than accuracy on Dance, Dance, Revolution, but Karaoke Revolution is my bitch.

5. For that matter, I can lead in six count swing, and I can lead about five things in Lindy hop- I’m a good Lindy follow- I like a lot of dances.

6.  I can make dance parties happen.  I can make people do it.  At karaoke, at coffeeshops- most of the time.

7.  Karaoke.  I’m good at it.  I don’t have the most amazing American Idol style voice, but I know my range and I will perform the SHIT out of a song.  I like to work a crowd.  When I do it in Hong Kong they are upset with the dancing and eye contact.

8.  Comedy.  I do it for money and for free.  Mostly for free.  Don’t ask me to tell you a joke, I’ll make you laugh, m-f.  Just you wait.

9.  I can draw- I haven’t for around five-seven years, but I probably still can, right?  I’m sure I can.  I have an art degree.  I can blind contour the shit out of something.

10.  According to the Munsell test of Color Acuity, I am a Superior Color Discriminator.  I will discriminate the shit out of your color.  I need a lab coat and a light box with a true North setting.  But I will do it.

11.  I can make patterns and sew.  Again, I usually don’t.   But I can make seriously obscure and fucked up Halloween costumes!

12.  Goth Makeup and Fantasy Make up!  I want to teach a stage makeup course for comics and actors sometime.  I have an airbrush and I’m  not scared to use it!  I can airbrush a fake tattoo on you!

13.  I’m really good at telling long, involved, interconnected stories to people on acid.  I can be on acid or not, it doesn’t matter.

14.  I can tell a fake art history lecture at the drop of a hat, especially if the hat is from a particularly evocative period

15.  I’m really good at making one kind of vegan chocolate chip cookies.  Just one kind.

16.   I’m really good at maintaining a blog for 8 years that only my mother consistently reads!

17.  If I had just bought my first guitar, I would be a crazy natural guitar playing genius- however, I have had my own guitar for a decade, and play it occasionally.  I’m mediocre, but proud!

18.  I’m really good at steering an oversized Costco shopping cart with my elbows while eating free BBQ nuts.

19.  I’m a good trivia team member- I don’t know that much about television or sports, but I’m very good at arbitration to try to determine the likeliest answer.  Also, I like to win but I don’t care if I do.

20.  I’m really good at running a White Elephant party.  I will whip the crowd into a frenzy over Scratch tickets and a rubber garden gnome.  Blood will flow!

21.  Despite all the above, I’m really good at not going to Burning Man!  I haven’t gone every year it’s happened!  Consecutively!

With this kind of skill set, I’m gonna destroy this job market!