comedyvegan

Extraordinary Facts About Vegans!

I stopped eating meat 30 years ago today and this is what I’ve learned:

Tell people you had to stop eating meat for health reasons.  Say you were gonna die if you didn’t stop.  That will make them feel better.  If you say it’s for moral or environmental reasons,  that makes them feel bad.  They will hate you.

Hitler was a vegetarian for health reasons and everyone liked him, I guess.

If you go to someone’s house who eats meat, they will give you something covered in cheese. They are not sure what else there is.

Sometimes vegans are annoying but that sometimes carnivores are annoying and also smell like dead flesh.

Discourage romantic partners from veganism because when you break up, the next time you see them they will eat a rolled up hamburger patty over a fire.  It will be weird.

BBQ sauce is still delicious, because it’s just ketchup and liquid smoke.

“Tofurkey” is a spoonerism of Faux Turkey, so you can stop wondering about that.

If a consumer package is green, I know it’s for vegans, if it’s black it might be for fancy vegans!

I have never, ever, not for one day in the past 30 years, gotten my RDA of protein of 65 grams a day. How am I still alive?  God’s will.  Or else, that RDA is bullshit.

Every cup in a breakfast place stinks like eggs from the dishwasher.  Now you have a superpower.

Before we had Garden Burger, we made veggie burgers out of falafel that we made kind of flat.

Meat is Murder made me a vegetarian, even though it’s not a very good song and has cow noises in it from those little turnover cow things.

Did you know that if a neighborhood has a good coffeeshop, bike lanes, and a vintage store, it must by law have a vegan cafe?

When California was in heavy drought,  some restaurants had tabletops suggesting eating vegetarian to save water.

I laughed, vegetarians have been saying that for years but everyone acted like we were nuts.

The first vegan I ever met in the world was Derron Pulley, and he ate nothing but fried tofu and brown rice, because we lived in Dallas, and this probably scared me off trying veganism for a decade.

Vegetarians think they’re 90% like vegans and vegans think vegetarians are one late lunch from eating cooked ground beef by the handful.

Eating vegan is easy.  Everything that the earth makes, that grows from the ground or from the trees is vegan until you start shoving animals into it.

2 thoughts on “Extraordinary Facts About Vegans!

  1. I have learned that if you bring vegan cupcakes to a party where a lot of non-veg people are at, just don’t tell them they are vegan because it will be a whole thing.

    Veggie Grill taught me that you can say the phrase “plant-based” which means the same thing but for some reason don’t scare people.

    I have learned way more about cults than I ever thought I would.

    I have learned that dining out at veggie-exclusive places sometimes means accepting a higher than usual amount of verbal and emotional abuse from waitstaff.

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