Extraordinary Facts About Vegans!

I stopped eating meat 30 years ago today and this is what I’ve learned:

If you tell people you had to stop eating meat for health reasons, because you were gonna die if you didn’t stop, that will make them feel better.  If you say it’s for moral or environmental reasons,  that makes them feel bad.

Hitler was a vegetarian for health reasons and everyone liked him for it, I guess.

If you go to someone’s house who eats meat who knows you don’t, they will give you something covered in cheese, because they are not sure what else there is.

I have learned that sometimes vegans are strident and annoying but that also sometimes carnivores are strident and annoying and also smell like dead flesh.

I discourage romantic partners from becoming vegan because when you break up their friends will say how you made them do it and the next time you see them they could be eating a rolled up hamburger patty over a fire and it will be weird.

BBQ sauce is still delicious, because it’s really just ketchup and liquid smoke.

“Tofurkey” is a spoonerism of Faux Turkey, so you can stop wondering about that.

If a business/package/flyer is green, I know it’s probably for vegans, if it’s black it might be for fancy vegans!

I have never, ever, not for one day in the past 30 years, gotten my RDA of protein of 65 grams a day. How am I still alive?  God’s will and a miracle I’m sure.

Did you know that every cup in a breakfast place stinks like eggs from the dishwasher? They do!

Did you know that before we had Impossible Burger or garden burger or morningside, we made veggie burgers out of falafel that we made kind of flat?

Did you know that Meat is Murder made me a vegetarian, even though it’s not a very good song and has cow noises in it from those little turnover cow things?

Did you know that if a neighborhood has a good coffeeshop, bike lanes, and a vintage store, it must by law have a vegan cafe?

When California was in heavy drought and some restaurants had tabletops suggesting eating vegetarian to save water I laughed I thought I’d die, vegetarians have been saying that for years but we are made out to be pricks for loving almonds.

The first vegan I ever met in the world was Derron Pulley, and he ate nothing but fried tofu and brown rice, because we lived in Dallas, and this probably scared me off trying veganism for a decade.

Vegetarians think they’re 90% like vegans and vegans think vegetarians are one late lunch from eating cooked ground beef by the handful.

Everything that the earth makes, that grows from the ground or from the trees is vegan until you start shoving animals into it.

2 thoughts on “Extraordinary Facts About Vegans!

  1. I have learned that if you bring vegan cupcakes to a party where a lot of non-veg people are at, just don’t tell them they are vegan because it will be a whole thing.

    Veggie Grill taught me that you can say the phrase “plant-based” which means the same thing but for some reason don’t scare people.

    I have learned way more about cults than I ever thought I would.

    I have learned that dining out at veggie-exclusive places sometimes means accepting a higher than usual amount of verbal and emotional abuse from waitstaff.

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