GOTHIXXX 3!
In which Bloodmeadow and Helfire discuss True Blood, Poseurs, the 2012 Election, and bargain hunting, and are visited by Robert Smith and Siouxsie Sioux!
Category: los angeles
How Starbucks Made Me Their Bitch
May 2012: Starbucks has really got me over a barrel.
Me and DJ Initial P, flaunting our shit-Photo by Evan Ballinger
how it began
My usual method of coffeeshop patronage was to choose an independent local business, and they would know my drink, and I would have a little punchcard and get free coffees with every tenth one. I’d make jokes to the employees and they would pretend to think the jokes were funny.
It was First Cup on Woodstock, and then Stumptown on Belmont. I would default to Starbucks when away from home, especially in podunk towns, because it was the best way to ensure that they would have soy milk. Also, they would use my special cup (here’s an art template for your own Starbucks art-your-own 16 oz tumbler! )
how I was seduced
Since moving to Long Beach, I have not found a walking-distance local coffeeshop, so I have been going to Starbucks. One day, an employee pointed out that if I would just register a coffee card with them, they would give me soymilk (.60) for free.
This is annoying, because Baby Jebus knows that soymilk does not cost sixty cents more than cow’s milk, but I was paying it. I am addicted to the sweet latte goodness.
And now I can get it for “free”. Because I’m in the “club”. The “coffee club”. They’ve tricked me. Like the airlines who now offer the “perk” of “checking a bag”, which used to be free and now is not.
So I got a card. I kept it full. Liquid assets.
Then, I found out that you can buy coffee on your phone if you get the app. You can wave your phone in front of the scanner like you live in Gattaca. So I did that. And that’s when they really got me. You can do things like put money on your card, and send coffee money to friends, and find out what Starbucks food items are vegan, and blargity blarg blarg. But the best part is, I got a star every time I drank coffee. I got a gold star, like I was in school.
13 stars. Look how happy they are. They’re dancing.
winning all the time
I win a game by drinking coffee, which is something that I would do anyway, so now instead of going to Starbucks with some amount of shame, I am actively seeking them out. I CAN GET A GOLD STAR FOR DRINKING COFFEE, SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO ANYWAY. People like getting gold stars. They like being rewarded for stuff.
Then they give you a special gold coffee card, just to let them know that I’m not a regular people, that they might toil and sweat for their half-caff sweet double chai frappucino, but that I am one of the chosen ones, and that I will have free soymilk-
the betrayal
FURIOUS POSTSCRIPT, 9/18: I got an email thanking me for my continued patronage, letting me know my coffee benefits are New and Improved. New and improved means that as of October 16th, MY FREE F*CKING SOYMILK IS GOING AWAY!
As a spoiled and privileged vegan, I AM FURIOUS ABOUT THIS, CORPORATE OVERLORDS! I am reacting like a RABID WILDEBEEST! I hope you enjoy the view of me leaving, because I’m not coming back after the 16th! Unless, you know. It’s an emergency.
Postpostpostcript 10/11: And lo, the end is nigh. I have commented about soymilk on mystarbucksidea.com, and I have “liked” other comments about free soymilk, and now the board hates us for complaining about the same thing every day for a month.
I’m sorry, other people. This is how the capitalist internet system works.
the final solution
And so, it has happened: if you feel a slight shiver, the sense that everything was picked up, rotated five degrees, and then dropped back into place, it’s because I have ordered an espresso machine and some coffee, and I am free.
And let’s be clear: I purchased an expensive, heavy, large machine to live in my kitchen because Starbucks wanted to charge me sixty cents for soy milk, which I used to get for free when I was special- and lest we forget, another group of people got pretty mad when their tea was getting taxed, and they started a little something called THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, and that’s a little more intense than my latte boycott!
Hell hath no fury like a vegan scorned.
The Math: As of this month, I have broken even on my espresso machine vs. the $60 a week I was spending at Starbucks, so the next 9 months of espressos are pure profit. I’m sorry, corporate overlords! I’m still an addict! Just not a slave!
My God, It’s Coming: Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction!
I can’t wait to for this show. I’ve attended it many times, and laughed until I wanted to vomit. Finally, I get to do a crazy erotic make-em-up! Clever inventor Bryan Cook has finally said “fuck it” and moved here from Seattle so he can stop farting around getting on airplanes to host it. Seriously, this will be GREAT. Matt Braunger is funny and yells a lot. Lisa Beth Johnson is dark and fucked-up and we went to college together. Barbara Holm is a smartie-pie nerd princess. Andy Peters is a funny Seattleite and he doesn’t mind a sharp, short smack on the butt. I like to objectify funny gal Alice Wetterlund. It’s gonna be GREAT.
Farewell to a Good Boy
This is a photo essay about the best boy in the world, Chico Jones. Originally from Bakersfield, California, he was handsome and rambunctious and strong.
Chico would sometimes work as an artist’s model, for both painting and photography, although he couldn’t sit still for a super long time, unless he was asleep.
Like most people, soon after he moved to Portland he became a DJ, but never attained the fame of DJ Mama.
He was very popular, especially with Janine Brito.
He moved on to the next party on September 1st. He went out as he came in, loving, handsome, and slightly gassy. I will love my boy forever and ever.
Previous posts on Chico:
Drugs Stories!
I have been asked to share some Family Drug Stories this Friday at Dangerfield’s 3 this Friday with the Walsh Brothers, Steve Benaquist, and your host Scott Luhrs. Let’s get freaky!
Postscript: This was a really weird venue in a creepy guy’s apartment in Koreatown.
Bloodmeadow The Goth Vs. Comic-Con
And now, a special report from the Lady Bloodmeadow, our Gothixxx correspondent.
Sunglasses by Ann-Sofie Back
Most demonic greetings. I recently hit San Diego for the largest Comic-Con nerd-fest that has ever occurred. I was able to drive because I have finally gotten my License back from the Pigs, because I Promised that I would not drive with the Dead-Eye in, but I was Lying.
As I traversed through the convention, I could not help but feel that I was being watched, monitored, by a force most Sinister.
I had my Photo taken many Times, although I was not dressed up as anything. Towards the end of the day, it became Clear that Nerds were asking for my photograph so that they could approach Me and not be Hissed at.
At One Point, I was asked to participate in a Cosplay Shot for Chris Hardwick, although I again explained I Was Not Dressed As Anything.
The Best thing about Comic-Con was that it was held indoors, far from the punishing rays of the Sun. The worst thing was everything else. I was subjected to a great deal of Noise and walked through many, many hot nerd Farts.
Everyone complaining that ComicCon is not what it once was: did you know there’s still lots of small sweaty comics-only conventions? This is like complaining that we evolved from an ancestor of monkeys. There’s still monkeys!
Postscript: My last moments at my first Comic-Con were spent at a bar, where I was waiting for the idiot I had been dating at the time to show up to promote a movie he had worked on, and while I was waiting a nerd was chatting up Bloodmeadow and when she denied the opportunity to go have sex with her he BIT her hard on the upper arm, and left a giant bruise. I don’t know why people say nerd culture is toxic to women.
See also SDCC-13- Bloodmeadow Returns!
GOTHIXXX rides again
Photo and Alteration by Lizzy Pilcher
A little dead bird has told me that the second episode of Gothixxx has been recorded and is being processed, so start shining up your pointiest shoes and tightlace your corset, which really doesn’t look as good as you think it does, because it mostly just makes your bottom look even larger than it was before. Click on the photo to see the full size version, but remember, we’ll eat your soul.