Trendy Trainers For The Evening Before The Morning After!

Trendy Sneaks Squeeze Some Cardio From Your Walk Of Shame!

Great trainers to wear out for a wild night out that will get you home safe tomorrow, including:
black suede trainers for evening out
  • A classic! These sleek black sneaks look great with everything, dresses, jeans, or a kicky jumpsuit. They’ll keep looking great while toting your carcass home on the El in the morning!
bedazzled chucks trainers
  • These glitzy Bedazzled Chucks dress any outfit up and help you get back for when you get dragged out to Long Island to try to find the D. 
platform trainers stella mccartney
  • Metallic Platform Trainers: The supercool space age-option for when you need to get back in your own space! Great for hooking up with the guy who won’t stop talking about Elon Musk!

Renpho, The Little Robot That Rubs Your Feet

renpho shiatsu foot massager

Renpho Shiatsu Foot Massager: This is a little robot who massages your feet.

It looks like a Volkswagen New Beetle from the front. You put your feet deep into the robot. There are removable and washable black liners so you can’t see the robot as it rubs your feet. Perhaps the robot is shy. Maybe it’s just weird to see a robot touching your feet.

There are three intensity settings for compression and massage, and an option for heat, which was really relaxing. You can pick 15 minute or 30 minute massage programs, and you can change intensity and pressure levels at any time.

It’s a nice massage, like you’d get in a massage chair but just for your feet. It makes a whirring and beeping sound that aggravates my dog, or maybe he’s just upset that the robot doesn’t rub his feet.

His feet are too small for the robot. Do not put dog feet into the robot.

My feet felt so good and relaxed afterwards, and they felt even better when I woke up in the morning, like they had been aligned, stretched and were ready for adventure. It’s a little spa treatment you can have at home!

Don’t bugg Me

bodybugg-on-marines-arm-0011

This is my arm with the Bodybugg on it.  Yes, I’m very pretty.

  Since my relocation to glamorous SoCal, it has come to my attention that some of my sassy trousers and dresses had gotten a little tighter than they used to be, so I have re-installed a small chirping robot on my arm called the Bodybugg.  After losing 20 lbs with the Bugg last year, I abandoned it when I started going out on dates.  Something about the psychic magnetism of people’s hands means that whenever anyone touches my arm reassuringly or in a flirty manner, it lands right on my robot.  I move the robot up, it gets touched.  I move the robot down, it gets touched. 

  It’s always off-putting when a stranger accidentally grabs your robot, so here are the lies I have told about it:

1. It’s for diabetes

2. It’s a symbiotic parasite that allows me to read minds (half true)

3. It’s for house arrest.

4. My car won’t start without it.

Bodybugg is a shiny black square on an elastic band.  It uses a pedometer, thermometer, and skin conductivity to measure the actual calories I burn every day. If I want my ass to be smaller, I will know precisely how much to feed it.

  I was born of Irish potato-eating stock that prepares for the ever-looming threat of famine generated by the ruling British class every day of my life, so I have to watch what I put in my face pretty closely. 

  I think that the real meaning of adulthood is not paying taxes or volunteering to help the aged, but looking at a chart on a computer that lets you know you can’t eat a cookie until you’ve finished doing your sit-ups, or else you’re not going to get to wear the jeans you want on Friday.

All that being said- this is the only weightloss thingy that has consistently worked for me.  It’s hard facts, no flinching allowed- Robot+food logging (UGH what can be duller)+math.  Also, it has kind of a Tamagotchi element. When I take it off to shower or sit in a hot tub, it lets out a little “where are you” chirp, and when it is back on my arm, it sings a little self-congratulatory song.  That makes me feel like the little robot is happy to live on me.  It may be sucking energy off of me like a vampire.  I can’t be sure.