This is my arm with the Bodybugg on it. Yes, I’m very pretty.
Since my relocation to glamorous SoCal, it has come to my attention that some of my sassy trousers and dresses had gotten a little tighter than they used to be, so I have re-installed a small chirping robot on my arm called the Bodybugg. After losing 20 lbs with the Bugg last year, I abandoned it when I started going out on dates. Something about the psychic magnetism of people’s hands means that whenever anyone touches my arm reassuringly or in a flirty manner, it lands right on my robot. I move the robot up, it gets touched. I move the robot down, it gets touched.
It’s always off-putting when a stranger accidentally grabs your robot, so here are the lies I have told about it:
1. It’s for diabetes
2. It’s a symbiotic parasite that allows me to read minds (half true)
3. It’s for house arrest.
4. My car won’t start without it.
Bodybugg is a shiny black square on an elastic band. It uses a pedometer, thermometer, and skin conductivity to measure the actual calories I burn every day. If I want my ass to be smaller, I will know precisely how much to feed it.
I was born of Irish potato-eating stock that prepares for the ever-looming threat of famine generated by the ruling British class every day of my life, so I have to watch what I put in my face pretty closely.
I think that the real meaning of adulthood is not paying taxes or volunteering to help the aged, but looking at a chart on a computer that lets you know you can’t eat a cookie until you’ve finished doing your sit-ups, or else you’re not going to get to wear the jeans you want on Friday.
All that being said- this is the only weightloss thingy that has consistently worked for me. It’s hard facts, no flinching allowed- Robot+food logging (UGH what can be duller)+math. Also, it has kind of a Tamagotchi element. When I take it off to shower or sit in a hot tub, it lets out a little “where are you” chirp, and when it is back on my arm, it sings a little self-congratulatory song. That makes me feel like the little robot is happy to live on me. It may be sucking energy off of me like a vampire. I can’t be sure.