Simon LeBon’s Astonishing DNA Test

My daughter, Saffron, gave me a genetics kit for my birthday this year, and I know it’s a bit cheesy but in the tradition of middle aged dads everywhere, I’ve been working up the old family tree. 

 I’m pleased to have found a great many writers and poets in my bloodline!

The First LeBon

  The first LeBon arrived in London in the big Huguenot emigration of the 1590’s, and published the Elizabethan period poem below:

Thou has se’en me– stood’st at the corner of thy street

And O!  A fire makes for flashes on thy stone sill

To be solitary pleases you not

So thou wouldst seek out pleasure

And sooth- thou would knows’t wherefore and whyfore 

Nay, pray not for me today

Prithee, pray for me on the morrow–  Francois LeBon

American LeBon

Next, I found an American whose family settled in Louisiana.  We have a great-great grandfather in common.  He loved the SF beat poetry scene so much he moved out there in 1953. 

Antoine LeBon wrote the following,  published in a zine called Street Poems in 1957:

I finally bugged out yesterday

Couldn’t peep my hillside pad

Maybe I’ll head there in a year

Maybe I won’t

I can feel you diggin’ on me, cat, day and night

I’m hep to it, the art and incantations

I dig it, it’s a gas

There’s a dream, a fantasy maybe

Stringing down this road we call our home

There’s shards of glass everywhere

It cuts me, cuts me deep, and finally I say 

Hey man, hip me to it

What do I gotta know? 

Japanese LeBon

Perhaps strangest of all is a British girl whose family moved to Japan in the 30’s, and who wrote pretty little haiku like this one, this is Belleanne LeBon from her school poetry journal:

Cherry blossom lips

Smear in a line as she falls

Into blue water

Amazing stuff.  I showed it to Yasmin and said, look, babe, we’ve always been poets and she said, love, you’re not a poet, you’re just a clotheshorse who got lucky.

Well, I’ll add more if I find more!

‘Til then- Simon

Fall Fashion Preview: It’s Plaid Again, Morons!

Photo by Godisable Jacob from Pexels

A Letter From The Editor of Vogue Magazine

Welcome to our big Fall Fashion issue! It’s HUGE and HEAVY and GLOSSY and you could really knock someone around with it. 

We’ve got food, diet, and skin trends, but let’s face it, you’re all here for the same thing- the FALL FASHION PREVIEW! It is LEGEND. It is the Christmas Mass of fashion magazines- everyone shows up once a year!

The Wind-Up

After this editor’s letter we’ve got the table of contents, a list of the celebrity photographers who aren’t cancelled yet, a Gucci ad, another Gucci ad, and BOOM here it is, it’s been gossiped about and worried over for six months: what’s the hot trend for fall? 

The Pitch

It’s plaid again, ya dumbshits! It will always be plaid! It’s back to school, so every woman alive is dressing like she’s showing up to Saint Lucy Of The Bleeding Eyes. 

It’s because men keep this fantasy of women with knee socks and short plaid skirts long after their own kids graduate college.

I mean, if you want to know- that’s not really why. 

It’s because in 1945, the UK wool industry, drunk on military production, had overruns they could not handle. They convinced Vogue Magazine to promote wool plaid for Fall 1946. Business being what it is, we HAVE to do wool plaid as a fashion trend EVERY FALL or the ENTIRE INDUSTRY WILL COLLAPSE. We have all signed a binding document, witnessed by Harry S. Truman and Winston Churchill, tying us to this unending, infernal cycle.

That’s a secret, which you’re not supposed to know. But after all these years, I know that NO-ONE has ever read this far down the letter from the editor.

The Home Run

Fall is also when everyone’s Goth, because New York starts getting dark and that’s where the fashion editors live- so there’s gonna be a shiny dominatrix boot and a smoky eye as well. Leather skirts. Spikes on handbags, the least scary place to put spikes. Spank me, Daddy! I work in marketing!

Next is the makeup section, where some poor fuck photo stylist has sliced up a tube of Gucci lip lacquer with a length of dental floss and stacked it up in an uneven, wabi-sabi tower of tiny red grease slabs and drizzled the whole thing over with a clear gel, because there is nothing interesting about makeup.

The Victory Lap

But don’t forget about plaid! We’re doing plaid! Did you know it has different names? It’s Stewart Tartan, Black Watch, or Burberry. You’ll get it in skirts and on bags and blouses and jackets. It’s on ties, headbands and shit, let’s do panties too! Now get out there and get mad for plaid!

Life is long, children. Life is long.

Signed, Anna Wintour

The Getty Challenge: Portrait Of Madame X

virginia jones as John Singer Sargent's Portrait of Madame X

At the start of the Covid-19 lockdown, the Getty museum’s twitter account challenged people to recreate works of art at home, with things they had. I did John Singer Sargent’s Portrait of Madame X.

Someone commented that I referenced the original strapless version, which was so sexy that the artist had to add straps. It wasn’t a reference so much as my gown is made of a swimsuit and a bedsheet.

Trivia fact: The original model and I are both named Virginia.

Dollface Productions

plus size vintage dress on model virginia jones link to dollface productions etsy

Dollface Productions is a plus size vintage Etsy store of comedy superstar and glamourpuss, Jenny Zigrino. Here’s a dress she got me that not only fits like a dream but is totally and completely my shit. Click on it to go to her Etsy store, which she keeps stocked with great plus size vintage finds!

Stunning Tips For A Hot (Covid) Girl Summer!

Most of us have upgraded from our first masks, if you were lucky, the N95, which was a hot fashion item in March.

Now, we have an assortment of fabric masks in a fun array of colors and textures.  Our friends have made them, our moms have made them, maybe we’ve made them.  We’ve graduated from starting every outing by tying a bandanna around our faces like Jesse James. We’ve hit Etsy to get a mask with Batman or Hamilton on it, any fandom except Harry Potter because fuck that lady!   But how do we refresh our look for a long, hot isolated Summer?

Tip 1

Remember sunscreen!  It may feel safe to go out with sunglasses and a mask on, but if you don’t use sunscreen, your tan is gonna make you a reverse Panda bear.

Tip 2

For fun, coordinate your mask with your swimsuit, your sneakers, or the sweatpants you’ve been wearing for 150 days in a row!

You can wear a lined mask in breezy summer fabrics like poplin and broadcloth, do a printed floral for a flirty, feminine touch, or stick with canvas or denim for a practical, DIY look. 

Tip 3

If your mask looks boring, and/or you’ve gone insane, accessorize with sequins, rhinestones, or studs!  Not grommets, though.  Grommets are bad.

Tip 4

Cut up those band tees you’ve outgrown or gotten bleach on and make a mask by hand!  Now, everyone at the Trader Joe’s can tell you like Belle and Sebastian or Sebadoh!  Maybe you can put a band together on Zoom!  Super cool. Make sure and double line it.

Tip 5

If you don’t like wearing a mask, or don’t think you can breathe with one on, stay home!  Do you want to go grocery shopping without a mask? Order groceries online!  If you think the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to you, stay home and do a podcast, you fucking narcissist!  Stay the fuck home! 

Lady Bloodmeadow Kills It On Tinder

Lady Bloodmeadow joins Tinder. If you want a goth girlfriend, please watch her video. She really only has one requirement for partners. If you’d like to see more of Bloodmeadow, check out her Youtube playlist here.