Portrait As Madame X in Covid-19

Posted Posted in art, costume, Covid-19, fashion
virginia jones as John Singer Sargent's Portrait of Madame X

At the start of the Covid-19 lockdown, the Getty museum’s twitter account had people recreate works of art at home. I did John Singer Sargent’s Portrait of Madame X.

Someone commented that I referenced the original strapless version, which was so sexy that the artist had to add straps. It wasn’t a reference so much as my gown is made of a swimsuit and a bedsheet.

The original model and I are both named Virginia.

Fashion Tips For A Hot (Covid) Girl Summer!

Posted Posted in fashion

Most of us have upgraded from our first disposable surgical masks or, if you were lucky, the N95, which  was such a hot fashion item in March.

Now, we have an assortment of fabric masks in a fun array of colors and textures.  Our friends have made them, our moms have made them, maybe we’ve made them.  We’ve graduated from starting every outing by tying a bandanna around our faces like Jesse James. We’ve hit Etsy to get a mask with Batman or Hamilton on it, or any fandom except Harry Potter because fuck that lady!   But how do we refresh our look for a long, hot isolated Summer?

Tip 1: Remember sunscreen!  It may feel safe to go out with sunglasses and a mask on, but if you don’t use sunscreen, your tan is gonna make you look like a reverse Panda bear.

Tip 2: For fun, coordinate your mask with your swimsuit, your sneakers, or the sweatpants you’ve been wearing for 150 days in a row!

Tip 3: You can wear a lined mask in breezy summer fabrics like poplin and broadcloth, do a printed floral for a flirty, feminine touch, or stick with canvas or denim for a practical, DIY look.  Anything but mesh and organza is great!  

Tip 4: If your mask looks boring, and/or you’ve gone insane, accessorize with sequins, rhinestones, or studs!  Not grommets, though.  Grommets are bad.

Tip 5: Cut up those band tees you’ve outgrown or gotten bleach on and make a mask by hand!  Now, everyone at the Trader Joe’s can tell you like Belle and Sebastian or Sebadoh!  Maybe you can put a band together on Zoom!  Super cool.

Tip 6: If you don’t like wearing a mask, or don’t think you can breathe with one on, stay home!  If you want to go grocery shopping without a mask, order groceries online!  If you think the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to you, stay home and do a podcast, you fucking narcissist!  Stay the fuck home! 

Fall Fashion Preview: It’s Plaid Again, Ya Dumbshits!

Posted Posted in art, artsy fartsy, costume, fashion, women
Photo by Godisable Jacob from Pexels

A Letter From The Editor of Vogue Magazine

Welcome to our big Fall Fashion issue! It’s HUGE and HEAVY and GLOSSY and you could really knock someone around with it. 

We’ve got the hottest food, diet, and skin trends, but let’s face it, you’re all here for the same thing- the FALL FASHION PREVIEW! It is LEGEND. It is the Christmas Mass of fashion magazines- everyone shows up once a year!

After this editor’s letter we’ve got the table of contents, a list of the celebrity photographers who aren’t cancelled yet, a Gucci ad, another Gucci ad, a Gucci perfume sample, and BOOM here it is, it’s been gossipped about, worried over for six months: what’s the hot trend for fall? 

It is one of the monumental pleasures of my job to reveal this delicious, well-guarded information each year. And reveal it I shall.

It’s plaid again, ya dumbshits! It will always be plaid! It’s back to school time, so every woman alive is dressing like she’s showing up to Saint Lucy Of The Bleeding Eyes in some pubescent fever dream, even though for most us, back to school was a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a video game on it. 

It’s because men maintain this fantasy of women with knee socks and short plaid skirts long after their own kids graduate college.

I mean, if you want to know- that’s not really why. 

It’s because even after wartime material rationing ended in 1945, the UK wool industry, drunk on military production, had overproduction they could not handle, and they wound up convincing Vogue to promote plaid for Fall 1946. Business being what it is, unlearning and unyielding, we now HAVE to do wool plaid as a fashion trend EVERY FALL or the ENTIRE GLOBAL WOOL INDUSTRY WILL COLLAPSE. We have all signed a binding document, witnessed by Harry S. Truman and Winston Churchill, tying us to this unending, infernal cycle.

That’s a secret, which you’re not supposed to know. But after all these years, I know that NO-ONE has ever read the letter from the editor.

Fall is also when everyone’s a Goth, because New York starts getting dark and cold and that’s where the fashion editors live- so there’s gonna be a shiny dominatrix boot and a smoky eye as well. Leather skirts. Spikes on handbags, the least scary place to put spikes. Don’t sit on it! Oooh, kinky! Spank me, Daddy! I work in marketing!

Next is the makeup section, where some poor photo stylist has sliced up a tube of Gucci lip lacquer with a length of dental floss and stacked it up in an uneven, wabi-sabi tower of tiny red grease slabs, and drizzled the whole thing over with a clear gel, because there is nothing interesting about makeup.

But don’t forget about plaid! We’re doing plaid! Did you know it has different names? It’s Stewart Tartan, Black Watch, or Burberry. You’ll get it in skirts and on bags and blouses and jackets, and on ties, and headbands and shit, let’s do panties too, because it’s fall, and it’s like every fall for fifty years before we were alive, and it will continue long after we’re dead! Now get out there and get mad for plaid, like the man said!

Life is long, children. Life is long.

Signed, Anna Wintour

Personalized Form Letter

Posted Posted in comedy, fashion

Dear Friend/Family Member/Other;

   I hope this personalized form letter finds you safe/healthy/as well as can be expected/up to your earholes in homemade bread/making a killing selling black market hand sanitizer. 

This week, I made a few PPE masks at home and wanted to send you one/two/several for you and your spouse/child/pet/roommate/(N/A), I hope that sweet/little/handsome  _______ is also doing well.

  I want you to know that I love you, and I know that you love me back/wish I didn’t/probably know who I am. 

Remember, this is all temporary and one day we’ll look back at this time and laugh ruefully/sexily/hysterically.  It’s all just a fad, like dabbing or Linsanity or Snuggie parties, or when we had to put those old-timey moustaches on everything. 

   Keep safe, my brave friend/family member/other,  and I will see you on the other side, and we will clasp hands warmly and connect through our hyperbaric chambers/rubber gloves/VR realities.

  Your Friend/Family Member/Other

  Virginia Jones

Travelling Through The Decades

Posted Posted in costume, fashion, feminism, travel, Virginia Jones, women
 packing for travel comedy

Travelling through the decades:

30’s: I gotta get my nails and toenails done for my trip!

40’s: Doesn’t give a fuck.

30’s: I’m gonna take a little bag of jewelry curated to work with my outfits!

40’s: Doesn’t give a fuck.

30’s: Brought two styles of sunglasses for different lewks.

40’s: Own three pairs of the same sunglasses, Hollis by Oliver Peoples. Does not give a fuck.

30’s: Wait, should I buy a mini of my trademark perfume or should I try something new for the trip?

40’s: Doesn’t wear perfume at home, doesn’t give a fuck

20’s: Brought books.

30’s: Brought kindle.

40’s: Broke half a dozen kindles, now watches Youtube videos of kids kicking each other in the nuts on her phone the whole trip. Does not give a fuck.

30’s: Brought running shoes, dress shoes, and casual shoes for travel.

40’s: Brought one pair Chuck Taylor high tops and cannot possibly give a fuck.

30’s: Need room for my DSLR camera!
40’s: Bringing phone.

30’s: Need to carry on my laptop.
40’s: Bringing phone.

30’s: Bringing exquisite outfits for trip, is heartbroken she can’t bring more shoes.
40’s: I don’t know these people, who gives a fuck?

Wait, am I maturing and becoming more comfortable in my own skin- or am I just depressed?