Dollface Productions is a plus size vintage Etsy store of comedy superstar and glamourpuss, Jenny Zigrino. Here’s a dress she got me that not only fits like a dream but is totally and completely my shit. Click on it to go to her Etsy store, which she keeps stocked with great plus size vintage finds!
Most of us have upgraded from our first disposable surgical masks or, if you were lucky, the N95, which was such a hot fashion item in March.
Now, we have an assortment of fabric masks in a fun array of colors and textures. Our friends have made them, our moms have made them, maybe we’ve made them. We’ve graduated from starting every outing by tying a bandanna around our faces like Jesse James. We’ve hit Etsy to get a mask with Batman or Hamilton on it, or any fandom except Harry Potter because fuck that lady! But how do we refresh our look for a long, hot isolated Summer?
Tip 1: Remember sunscreen! It may feel safe to go out with sunglasses and a mask on, but if you don’t use sunscreen, your tan is gonna make you look like a reverse Panda bear.
Tip 2: For fun, coordinate your mask with your swimsuit, your sneakers, or the sweatpants you’ve been wearing for 150 days in a row!
Tip 3: You can wear a lined mask in breezy summer fabrics like poplin and broadcloth, do a printed floral for a flirty, feminine touch, or stick with canvas or denim for a practical, DIY look. Anything but mesh and organza is great!
Tip 4: If your mask looks boring, and/or you’ve gone insane, accessorize with sequins, rhinestones, or studs! Not grommets, though. Grommets are bad.
Tip 5: Cut up those band tees you’ve outgrown or gotten bleach on and make a mask by hand! Now, everyone at the Trader Joe’s can tell you like Belle and Sebastian or Sebadoh! Maybe you can put a band together on Zoom! Super cool.
Tip 6: If you don’t like wearing a mask, or don’t think you can breathe with one on, stay home! If you want to go grocery shopping without a mask, order groceries online! If you think the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to you, stay home and do a podcast, you fucking narcissist! Stay the fuck home!
Lady Bloodmeadow joins Tinder. If you want a goth girlfriend, please watch her video. She really only has one requirement for partners. If you’d like to see more of Bloodmeadow, check out her Youtube playlist here.
Welcome to our big Fall Fashion issue! It’s HUGE and HEAVY and GLOSSY and you could really knock someone around with it.
We’ve got the hottest food, diet, and skin trends, but let’s face it, you’re all here for the same thing- the FALL FASHION PREVIEW! It is LEGEND. It is the Christmas Mass of fashion magazines- everyone shows up once a year!
After this editor’s letter we’ve got the table of contents, a list of the celebrity photographers who aren’t cancelled yet, a Gucci ad, another Gucci ad, a Gucci perfume sample, and BOOM here it is, it’s been gossipped about, worried over for six months: what’s the hot trend for fall?
It is one of the monumental pleasures of my job to reveal this delicious, well-guarded information each year. And reveal it I shall.
It’s plaid again, ya dumbshits! It will always be plaid! It’s back to school time, so every woman alive is dressing like she’s showing up to Saint Lucy Of The Bleeding Eyes in some pubescent fever dream, even though for most us, back to school was a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a video game on it.
It’s because men maintain this fantasy of women with knee socks and short plaid skirts long after their own kids graduate college.
I mean, if you want to know- that’s not really why.
It’s because even after wartime material rationing ended in 1945, the UK wool industry, drunk on military production, had overproduction they could not handle, and they wound up convincing Vogue to promote plaid for Fall 1946. Business being what it is, unlearning and unyielding, we now HAVE to do wool plaid as a fashion trend EVERY FALL or the ENTIRE GLOBAL WOOL INDUSTRY WILL COLLAPSE. We have all signed a binding document, witnessed by Harry S. Truman and Winston Churchill, tying us to this unending, infernal cycle.
That’s a secret, which you’re not supposed to know. But after all these years, I know that NO-ONE has ever read the letter from the editor.
Fall is also when everyone’s a Goth, because New York starts getting dark and cold and that’s where the fashion editors live- so there’s gonna be a shiny dominatrix boot and a smoky eye as well. Leather skirts. Spikes on handbags, the least scary place to put spikes. Don’t sit on it! Oooh, kinky! Spank me, Daddy! I work in marketing!
Next is the makeup section, where some poor photo stylist has sliced up a tube of Gucci lip lacquer with a length of dental floss and stacked it up in an uneven, wabi-sabi tower of tiny red grease slabs, and drizzled the whole thing over with a clear gel, because there is nothing interesting about makeup.
But don’t forget about plaid! We’re doing plaid! Did you know it has different names? It’s Stewart Tartan, Black Watch, or Burberry. You’ll get it in skirts and on bags and blouses and jackets, and on ties, and headbands and shit, let’s do panties too, because it’s fall, and it’s like every fall for fifty years before we were alive, and it will continue long after we’re dead! Now get out there and get mad for plaid, like the man said!
I hope this personalized form letter finds you safe/healthy/as well as can be expected/up to your earholes in homemade bread/making a killing selling black market hand sanitizer.
This week, I made a few PPE masks at home and wanted to send you one/two/several for you and your spouse/child/pet/roommate/(N/A), I hope that sweet/little/handsome _______ is also doing well.
I want you to know that I love you, and I know that you love me back/wish I didn’t/probably know who I am.
Remember, this is all temporary and one day we’ll look back at this time and laugh ruefully/sexily/hysterically. It’s all just a fad, like dabbing or Linsanity or Snuggie parties, or when we had to put those old-timey moustaches on everything.
Keep safe, my brave friend/family member/other, and I will see you on the other side, and we will clasp hands warmly and connect through our hyperbaric chambers/rubber gloves/VR realities.