So, You Think You Can Dance Downtown?

Posted 1 CommentPosted in comedy, fashion, los angeles, Uncategorized, women
photo (1)

I’m a big fan of the show So You Think You Can Dance.   I felt lucky to attend some shows last season, and when I got an email for two shows this week, I jumped on it.  I was wary when I saw that the address was for the Orpheum and not the CBS lot, but when I got there it was clear that it was: Auditions.  I didn’t want to go to fucking auditions.  

In recent seasons, I haven’t even watched auditions.  One in twenty people will be good, one in forty will be amazing, one in ten will be completely delusional.   It’s the reality TV shock-jock portion, where people fall and cry and lie and the desperation seeps through and they edit to support the judge’s decisions.  However, I had already parked downtown all day for six dollars, so I stayed.

 It was kind of cool to be in the Orpheum and to see the familiar carpeting and to see a pile of dance bags and the warm up room.  We were seated and introduced to the newest judge, Christina Applegate, who has been a dancer her whole life and who crossed the stage in gold heels so high she needed a handler to come down the steps to the judge’s dais.

  Nigel Lythgoe went through a list of don’ts for the dancers.  He listed out things the judges were tired of seeing.

1. Don’t extend an arm and reach out pleadingly to the judges, wild-eyed.

2. Don’t jeté , tumble, then leap into the air to jeté again.  OVER IT.

3. Don’t look at the floor. (This is also a good tip for comedy!)

4.   Don’t wink.

5. Don’t put your finger on your mouth.

6. Don’t blow a kiss.

7. Don’t lip-sync.

8. Don’t hold your leg up.  This is So You Think You Can Dance, not Do You Think You Can Hold Your Leg Up For An Assload Of Time.

I stayed for the day and saw all 114 dancers although it felt like a billion.  I now have my own list.   It’s kind of inside baseball, but what in life isn’t?

List of Most Of The Dancer Types from So You Think You Can Dance Auditions:

1. Mama’s pretty pretty princess, the best ballerina in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas.  This represents 20% of the attendees.  Wearing a sports bra and leggings.   Has long, pretty girl hair.  She will do one million pirouettes and lift her leg up by her head and will get yelled at because all the other pretty princesses have done the same thing.

2. Mama’s pretty pretty princess got a mohawk and earrings and is all edgy and shit.  She will do a ton of pirouettes and lift her leg up in the air.

3.  Mama’s pretty pretty princess (male).  Appears to have a sixteen-pack of abs.  I don’t even know if this possible.

4.  Breakdancer type one:  Learned on the streets.  Looks to have been homeless as recently as this morning.  Amazing dancer.   Doesn’t appear to hear or understand instructions but can pop and lock like a sonofabitch.

5. Breakdancer type two: Learned at boarding school.  May dress like Parappa the Rapper.  May have a rat-tail.  (Rat tail odds doubled if Asian)

6. Ballroom dancers who have spray-tanned their legs to match their shoes, which is awesome.

7. Girl with a big bottom and men’s shoes?  Lindy hopper.

8. Tap dancers, who never get through even though some of them are awesome.  The sound and size of this show are never great for tap.

9. Hot-Ass Male Russian Ballroom Dancer.  (Thank god.)  (Please take your shirt off.)

10. Asian Twerk Twink.  Wears harem pants.

11. Midwestern Sincere Contemporary Dancer (male)- Wears what looks like pajamas and his one black Lucky Spinning Sock, which is black.  He’s the best modern dancer in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas, but he’s not as good as Contemporary Eric.   Why not wear a light colored sock?  You look like a rube, Trent!

12. Elderly street dancer- He’s here to do all of Michael Jackson’s moves!  You can see him tomorrow in front of the Hollywood Boulevard wax museum.

13.  The Only Gay In The Village: A chubby small-town club dancer with a lotta heart and board shorts and a couple of awesome moves.  He is trying not to lip-sync.  My god, he tries.  But that’s not a reasonable ask for a gay club dancer.  He would have to put duct tape over his mouth, or put a Lucky Spinning Sock in it.

Good luck to these and all the dancers that auditioned, I look forward in seeing you on the show in a paint-covered t-shirt or a Victorian zombie outfit!

Bloodmeadow Portrait!

Posted Posted in comedy, costume, fashion, gay, Gothic, gothixxx, halloween, los angeles, portland, Uncategorized

An amazing birthday portrait of myself as Bloodmeadow by Monsieur Pete Ellison, the very talented wunderkind at www.heyitspete.com!  And when’s the last time you watched an episode of GOTHIXXX?  Probably too long!

Postscript: Here it is printed and framed in a lovely frame  I stole from an Oscars party- You can get your own print of Bloodmeadow enjoying a Slurpee and haunted by ghosts here!

It’s a Very Vegan Christmas!

Posted Posted in fashion, gay, los angeles, seattle, vegan, women

My talented best friend Pete Ellison (designer of my website, music impresario, DJ and artist- previously mentioned here, here, and here, and here and here!)  has made this adorable t-shirt, suitable for you or your vegan/vegetabletarian friends and family!

  It’s available in yellow, green, or blue, and is hand-printed in Pete’s home studio in soft, eco-friendly waterbased inks.  I like this tee especially because it doesn’t have the “and you’re a dick” subtext of a lot of veggie tees, it’s just a fun burger that loves you and wants to be eaten, because everyone knows that tofu is a very masochistic food.  Click HERE to order!

This first run is limited to 75 pieces!  You’ll be wearing the only tofu burger tee in the whole vegan grocery/yoga class/tall bike ride/waterpark/DJ night/transgender dance party/coffee bean tasting/hula hoop class/laundromat dance party/bear bowling event!

CATFACE Attack

Posted Posted in artsy fartsy, costume, fashion, los angeles

I stopped into Forever 21 to see how cheap jeans could possibly get ($7!), when I saw some t-shirts with a tiger on them.  And some dresses with a tiger.  And tanks.  And more t-shirts.  Then leopards.  A cougar.  What might have been a lynx.  Catfaces.

 These twenty catfaces were photographed in the wild at the Los Cerritos Forever 21.  None of them were harmed.  But they are puzzling to me.  It felt like a full 20% of the items for sale had some kind of catface on them.

It was as if every Forever 21 designer was told that if their product for back-to-school didn’t have catfaces, they would be killed.

TREND REPORT: MANDATORY CATFACE

I can picture a poor designer mussing their trendy haircut and crying, “Look, I didn’t want to make a catface sweater, but I have a family!”

Now, just coming from the Fuck Yeah Fest, a ten year event based in Los Angeles, the only city with so little self-awareness it would name something that, it’s evident that young women’s fashion is pretty homogeneous.

Forever 21, Urban Outfitters, and H&M all make several lines a season, and, due to fear and identical trend research, they tend to all look the same.  Looking around the festival, you can see the options: short jean shorts, floral rompers, circle shirts, crop tops, short dresses with the waist between the waist and the armpit, and maxi dresses.  That’s it.  Those are the only things available.  There wasn’t one pair of low-rise denim shorts.  Not one, even though they were ubiquitous a few years ago.

A month ago when I went to So You Think You Can Dance, it was all dresses who were short in the front, and long in the back, schlong dresses that don’t look good on anyone.  Also, lace and the color hot salmon.  These things are gone now.  It’s not that girls are scared of wearing last month’s clothes so much as the things they wear deteriorate by their next period.

Anyway, if you find yourself with the back-to-school crowd, they may look like a bit like a National Geographic special.

Hooray!