Well, now I have a new job title, which is plus-sized Etsy model, for my fabulous friends Sofiya and Courtney and their brand, Writing Fuck Yeah. How cute is this shirt?
I was asked to make a short video of my “ goth looks” for an audition (suggestion: “Like Carrie in Sex and the City!”) and it’s just stupid enough to put here. It’s kind of like hanging out with me.
Online dating is part of the modern single person’s landscape. Everyone’s doing it, and most of us are doing it wrong!
There are certainly good things about dating on OKCupid, Match.com and Tinder- if you’re new to an area, if you want to meet people out of your regular social circle, or if, in the case of eharmony.com, you want to meet divorced Christian dads in the suburbs- but these formats have their own particular do’s and dont’s.
Here’s a list of common mistakes the online bachelor can avoid (to not kill chances of a possible date):
- A Woman in Headshot- When I see a dude on a dating site with his arm around a pretty lady, I don’t think “Hey, she’s really pretty, I’d better step up my game”, I think “well, if he hadn’t pissed her off, he wouldn’t be floating around like a loser online still”, which is where, you may point out, I am also floating.
- A Blurred or Cropped Out Woman in Headshot – Hey, I feel for you guys. Unlike women, who celebrate every dinner, haircut, and outfit with a photo session, guys only get pictures taken when they’re on a date with someone or when they are on a bass boat. Please try and get a decent selfie, or ask a friend “Hey bro, can you do me a favor? I need a picture of myself.”
- Abs Pictures- Sure, he stopped eating bread and he does five thousand crunches a day, but when’s the last time he read something longer than the list of ingredients on a protein shake? A tendency to post pictures of one’s torso sometimes speaks to a desire to show it to many people.
- Generic First Message. There are real studies saying it doesn’t matter what your first message is, and the best method is to scattershoot HEY HOW ARE YOU to a hundred women a week, but I have personally never responded to a HEY HOW ARE YOU message, and can’t imagine I would do so unless it was sent by Johnny Depp.
- LONG Opening Message, mentioning EVERY interest and hobby I have and their thoughts about it. This starts to feel stalkery. Wait, how did you know I’m eating a bagel? Are you watching me right now?
- Talking Solely About My Appearance: it doesn’t seem like there’s a desire to find out about my personality, right?
- Pen Pals- Once we’ve established contact, and written a couple messages back and forth, ask me out. I’m here for men pals, not pen pals! Also, if you live five hundred miles away, don’t message me- this is not a sexy chat service and I’m not coming to visit you in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas. Ever. Unless you are Edward Scissorhands or Captain Jack Sparrow. Then, anything is possible.
In the interest of fairness, here is a list of men’s online dating complaints that women can learn from:
- The LIST: Women have a long list of what they DON’T want in a guy. “No fakes, no players!” What, you want someone who’s not a drug addict AND who has a job? Picky, picky!
- NO Profile: Women that do not have profile info. I know you might be a private person, but no information at all makes it hard to start a conversation. “So…I see you have eyes! I do, too!”
- Over-Accentuating the Curves –-If a woman’s photo accentuates her body, one assumption is that she is not interested in a serious relationship, and another is that she might be a paid escort.
4. And lastly, Misrepresentation- when women in person are fatter/older/less attractive than their photo.
Again, I understand this complaint. Who among us has not overrated our own looks? When we are picking out our best pictures of ourselves, sometimes we don’t recognize that because the picture is ten years old, we are posting pics of someone else who we used to be. I once had a long correspondence with a man who had deep brown eyes and long, wild hair whom I called “sexy werewolf”, and when I met him, he was just a regular, non-sexy werewolf with one great photo.
Clearly neither sex has mastered the online dating experience.
The truth is that I sometimes meet guys online that I find interesting, but when they make one of these errors, I delete them. I think of these as “dealbreakers” and an indication of deeper problems, and maybe they are, but sometimes I’m just dealing with men who hadn’t spent any time dating online. These are actually the people you want to meet: men who seek out and enjoy serious relationships, and stay off the market while they’re in them. The guys who stay online for years and years, perfecting their online presence and their patter, only pausing to occasionally list what bands they’d most like to see at Coachella, are confirmed bachelors who would sooner kiss a beartrap than give a girl more than a month of their attention.
What I learned is that: the only thing that online dating really makes you good at is online dating- especially in the case of free sites, whose goal is not to pair compatible couples up, it’s to keep everyone in the mix, looking at their ads and clicking, and generating revenue, so, the only real method to online dating is to relax, honestly be yourself, and accept some mistakes in the process of meeting real people!
– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/how-about-making-yourself-online-datable/2/#sthash.ArBrhccH.dpuf
Well, time to start getting ready for the Oscar party!
First step: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.
Step two: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond head drill
Step three: Get that pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until can wear a size 6.
Step four: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube
Step 5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem
Step 6: Have whole body airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M
Step 7: Have hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with Bowie wig
Step 8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile
Step 9: Bring makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have a lady glue animal fur to eyelashes.
Step 10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage
Step 11: Get fancy art manicure. Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”
Step 12: Get sewn into gown, adding special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight
Step 13: PERFECT! Now to be strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!
Step 14: At the event, see all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!
In order to hide:
Dark undereye circles- coral
Secret crush- orange
Drug addiction- grey
Seriously. Nobody will think you’re sad if you have glitter all over your face.
I’m a big fan of the show So You Think You Can Dance. I felt lucky to attend some shows last season, and when I got an email for two shows this week, I jumped on it. I was wary when I saw that the address was for the Orpheum and not the CBS lot, but when I got there it was clear that it was: Auditions. I didn’t want to go to fucking auditions.
In recent seasons, I haven’t even watched auditions. One in twenty people will be good, one in forty will be amazing, one in ten will be completely delusional. It’s the reality TV shock-jock portion, where people fall and cry and lie and the desperation seeps through and they edit to support the judge’s decisions. However, I had already parked downtown all day for six dollars, so I stayed.
It was kind of cool to be in the Orpheum and to see the familiar carpeting and to see a pile of dance bags and the warm up room. We were seated and introduced to the newest judge, Christina Applegate, who has been a dancer her whole life and who crossed the stage in gold heels so high she needed a handler to come down the steps to the judge’s dais.
Nigel Lythgoe went through a list of don’ts for the dancers. He listed out things the judges were tired of seeing.
1. Don’t extend an arm and reach out pleadingly to the judges, wild-eyed.
2. Don’t jeté , tumble, then leap into the air to jeté again. OVER IT.
3. Don’t look at the floor. (This is also a good tip for comedy!)
4. Don’t wink.
5. Don’t put your finger on your mouth.
6. Don’t blow a kiss.
7. Don’t lip-sync.
8. Don’t hold your leg up. This is So You Think You Can Dance, not Do You Think You Can Hold Your Leg Up For An Assload Of Time.
I stayed for the day and saw all 114 dancers although it felt like a billion. I now have my own list. It’s kind of inside baseball, but what in life isn’t?
List of Most Of The Dancer Types from So You Think You Can Dance Auditions:
1. Mama’s pretty pretty princess, the best ballerina in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas. This represents 20% of the attendees. Wearing a sports bra and leggings. Has long, pretty girl hair. She will do one million pirouettes and lift her leg up by her head and will get yelled at because all the other pretty princesses have done the same thing.
2. Mama’s pretty pretty princess got a mohawk and earrings and is all edgy and shit. She will do a ton of pirouettes and lift her leg up in the air.
3. Mama’s pretty pretty princess (male). Appears to have a sixteen-pack of abs. I don’t even know if this possible.
4. Breakdancer type one: Learned on the streets. Looks to have been homeless as recently as this morning. Amazing dancer. Doesn’t appear to hear or understand instructions but can pop and lock like a sonofabitch.
5. Breakdancer type two: Learned at boarding school. May dress like Parappa the Rapper. May have a rat-tail. (Rat tail odds doubled if Asian)
6. Ballroom dancers who have spray-tanned their legs to match their shoes, which is awesome.
7. Girl with a big bottom and men’s shoes? Lindy hopper.
8. Tap dancers, who never get through even though some of them are awesome. The sound and size of this show are never great for tap.
9. Hot-Ass Male Russian Ballroom Dancer. (Thank god.) (Please take your shirt off.)
10. Asian Twerk Twink. Wears harem pants.
11. Midwestern Sincere Contemporary Dancer (male)- Wears what looks like pajamas and his one black Lucky Spinning Sock, which is black. He’s the best modern dancer in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas, but he’s not as good as Contemporary Eric. Why not wear a light colored sock? You look like a rube, Trent!
12. Elderly street dancer- He’s here to do all of Michael Jackson’s moves! You can see him tomorrow in front of the Hollywood Boulevard wax museum.
13. The Only Gay In The Village: A chubby small-town club dancer with a lotta heart and board shorts and a couple of awesome moves. He is trying not to lip-sync. My god, he tries. But that’s not a reasonable ask for a gay club dancer. He would have to put duct tape over his mouth, or put a Lucky Spinning Sock in it.
Good luck to these and all the dancers that auditioned, I look forward in seeing you on the show in a paint-covered t-shirt or a Victorian zombie outfit!