Stunning Tips For A Hot (Covid) Girl Summer!

Most of us have upgraded from our first masks, if you were lucky, the N95, which was a hot fashion item in March.

Now, we have an assortment of fabric masks in a fun array of colors and textures.  Our friends have made them, our moms have made them, maybe we’ve made them.  We’ve graduated from starting every outing by tying a bandanna around our faces like Jesse James. We’ve hit Etsy to get a mask with Batman or Hamilton on it, any fandom except Harry Potter because fuck that lady!   But how do we refresh our look for a long, hot isolated Summer?

Tip 1

Remember sunscreen!  It may feel safe to go out with sunglasses and a mask on, but if you don’t use sunscreen, your tan is gonna make you a reverse Panda bear.

Tip 2

For fun, coordinate your mask with your swimsuit, your sneakers, or the sweatpants you’ve been wearing for 150 days in a row!

You can wear a lined mask in breezy summer fabrics like poplin and broadcloth, do a printed floral for a flirty, feminine touch, or stick with canvas or denim for a practical, DIY look. 

Tip 3

If your mask looks boring, and/or you’ve gone insane, accessorize with sequins, rhinestones, or studs!  Not grommets, though.  Grommets are bad.

Tip 4

Cut up those band tees you’ve outgrown or gotten bleach on and make a mask by hand!  Now, everyone at the Trader Joe’s can tell you like Belle and Sebastian or Sebadoh!  Maybe you can put a band together on Zoom!  Super cool. Make sure and double line it.

Tip 5

If you don’t like wearing a mask, or don’t think you can breathe with one on, stay home!  Do you want to go grocery shopping without a mask? Order groceries online!  If you think the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to you, stay home and do a podcast, you fucking narcissist!  Stay the fuck home! 

Lady Bloodmeadow Kills It On Tinder

Lady Bloodmeadow joins Tinder. If you want a goth girlfriend, please watch her video. She really only has one requirement for partners. If you’d like to see more of Bloodmeadow, check out her Youtube playlist here.

Cheat-Sheet Letter for Covid-19

A helpful letter to send people during Covid-19

Dear Friend/Family Member/Other;

   I hope this personalized form letter finds you

A. safe

B. healthy

C. as well as can be expected

D. up to your earholes in homemade bread

E. making a killing selling black market hand sanitizer. 

This week, I made a few PPE masks at home and wanted to send you

A. one

B. two

C. several for you and your

A. spouse

B.child

C. pet

D. roommate

E. (N/A)

I hope that

A. sweet

B. little

C. handsome

  _______ is also doing well.

  I want you to know that I love you, and I know that you

A. love me back

B. wish I didn’t

C. know who I am. 

Remember, this is all temporary and one day we’ll look back at this time and laugh

A. ruefully

B. sexily

C. hysterically. 

It’s all just a fad, like dabbing or Linsanity or Snuggie parties, or when we put those old-timey moustaches on everything. 

   Keep safe, my brave

A. friend

B. family member

C. other

and I will see you on the other side, and we will clasp hands warmly and through our

A. hyperbaric chambers

B. rubber gloves

C. VR realities.

  Your Friend/Family Member/Other

  Virginia Jones

Easy Packing For All Ages

packing for travel comedy

Packing for all ages:

30’s: I gotta get my nails and toenails done for my trip!

40’s: Doesn’t give a fuck.

30’s: I’m gonna take a little bag of jewelry curated to work with my outfits!

40’s: Doesn’t give a fuck.

30’s: Brought two styles of sunglasses for different lewks.

40’s: Own three pairs of the same sunglasses, Hollis by Oliver Peoples. Does not give a fuck.

30’s: Wait, should I buy a mini of my trademark perfume or should I try something new for the trip?

40’s: Doesn’t wear perfume at home, doesn’t give a fuck

20’s: Brought books.

30’s: Brought kindle.

40’s: Broke half a dozen kindles, now watches Youtube videos of kids kicking each other in the nuts on her phone the whole trip. Does not give a fuck.

30’s: Brought running shoes, dress shoes, and casual shoes for travel.

40’s: Brought one pair Chuck Taylor high tops and cannot possibly give a fuck.

30’s: Need room for my DSLR camera!
40’s: Bringing phone.

30’s: Need to carry on my laptop.
40’s: Bringing phone.

30’s: Bringing exquisite outfits for trip, is heartbroken she can’t bring more shoes.
40’s: I don’t know these people, who gives a fuck?

Wait, am I maturing and becoming more comfortable in my own skin- or am I just depressed?

Three Genius 80’s Movies Set In LA With “Girls” In The Title

Modern Girls Goth Bar

Modern Girls

With Daphne Zuniga, Virginia Madsen, Depeche Mode and Jesus and Mary Chain on the soundtrack, a great opening scene at Bullock’s on Wilshire, great shots of Melrose when it was skeevy AF, a dramatic scene at the Mulholland fountain on Riverside, a great goth bar scene, and a great role for my friend Rick Overton as a British tour manager.

Jeff Goldblum

Earth Girls Are Easy

With Geena Davis and HOT JEFF GOLDBLUM HOLY SHIT, the very funny Julie Brown, ANGELYNE!, Michael Mckean, and Jesus and Mary Chain and Depeche Mode on the soundtrack. NILE ROGERS soundtrack! There’s a Dennis Quaid song on the soundtrack! Small role for Rick Overton. Deeply stupid, but not as bad as you’d think (hot Jeff Goldblum.) You find out that if you shave an alien Jeff Goldblum, he becomes very hot.

Valley Girls

Valley Girls

With hot ass Nick Cage, the Plimsouls, a scene shot in what is now the Viper Room, and songs by the Sparks and Josie Cotton. A movie about punks who listen exclusively to New Wave! A movie that was sued by Frank Zappa! Two ladies who were later in Real Genius! Directed by Martha Coolidge, who pulled a MEGA-HIT on a budget of 300K, but then wasn’t given additional work! She was also told that she HAD to have four shots of bare breasts in the film, which she agreed to, but there was no indication of how long the shots had to be, so they are blink-and-you’ll-miss-’em, dressing room, non-sex-scene boobs.

An Insider’s Guide to A Year In Comedy

The Holidays

Well, it’s the holidays, and it’s a hard time of the year to do comedy. It’s the time when all the best-of and who’s-next lists come out, and you might not be on those lists. It’s also when shows go on hiatus or just die off, as the hosts say, well, don’t we have something better to do on a Tuesday? You say to yourself, well, I went to that show ten times last year in hopes of being booked on it and that was time wasted. It’s also the time of year when you have to justify to your parents what you’re still doing in LA.

Springtime

And then it’s Spring, when all the festivals write to say you didn’t qualify to fly yourself to a small city and do unpaid shows, but it’s only because they had SO many comics apply for SO few spots. And who decided you didn’t make the cut? A guy who sleeps on his friend’s couch and lives on burritos.

Some festivals you’ve been applying to for so long that other people have started comedy, done that festival, and quit comedy again, all while you’re still sending in your thirty bucks. You realize that one festival has taken three hundred dollars from you, and you could have just flown yourself to New York to do unpaid sets. You’re on a show with a guy whose whole set is about how he likes smoking pot and how dating is hard, and he’s done every comedy festival you haven’t done. It’s a hard time of year to be a comic then.

Summertime

After that is Summer, when you might hit the road and do some gigs, really remind yourself what it is to do comedy for real people, not those sycophants and ass kissers back home, except for every show you get to, everyone’s at the tractor pull or the air show or they’re just wandering the streets on a clear, warm summer night, holding hands and sharing a bag of kettle corn, like regular people, instead of spending the night trapped inside a sweaty comedy club listening to some LA asshole who can’t even get into festivals. And that’s a hard time of the year to do comedy.

Fall

After that it’s Fall, when your friends who write for television are up for Important Awards, and they look so great in their red carpet outfits. The new shows start and you’re not on any of ’em, I mean sure, you take some comfort in the fact that the pilot you didn’t get cast for didn’t get picked up, but it’s time to get out to the new comedy shows to kiss up to the new bookers, who two years ago were open mikers you wouldn’t deign to speak to but now you’re their Instagram friends, until they stop booking those shows and you quietly unfollow them. It’s a hard time of year to be comic, then.

And then, of course- it’s the holidays.