Sometimes…

Posted Posted in comedy, Gothic

The Divine David teaches a makeup masterclass

Sometimes, I lie awake at night and worry that enough people have not enjoyed The Divine David, a transgender terrorist/avant garde artiste/tastemaker created and performed by Manchester artist David Hoyle.

There Ain’t No Sanity Clause

Posted Posted in comedy

Well, I’m about to be three years old- This May 25th is my third anniversary in stand-up. That’s not much in the world of comedy, but it’s as much as I’ve ever done. It has gotten me many things, such as being recognized at Montage and at Chaos Cafe. I was having a few sincere thoughts about it, and would like to offer you, dear reader, some completely unsolicited advice.
When I was new, I got laughs by accident, or by luck. I got superstitious about it. The first time I had a good set at an open mike, I never wanted to go back and “ruin” it. A lot of new comics dwell on and overanalyze their first set, their second set, and it doesn’t really matter. They say, I bombed, or I killed, and neither one is true. You’re not good enough to bomb. You got lucky. The first time a person gets up to do stand-up, it might be interesting, it might be funny, it might be good writing- but it won’t be great stand-up. There are too many microskills that need to be formed. You just have to do it again and again. The good news is that taking a microphone out of a stand 100 times makes for some pretty slick karaoke. Truly bombing is a gift- if you can survive a room hating you thoroughly, then you know that nothing can be worse than that, and you can get past it.
Where I am now: I can get laughs pretty consistently. It’s still like a magic trick, I don’t know quite how it’s done but I can do it. I found my old notebook and started using material that I had abandoned, because it didn’t used to work, and I can make it work now, can better communicate the funny to the audience.
Here is some of the best of the many pieces of advice that more skilled comics have given to me:
Don’t disengage between jokes, keep eye contact with the audience.
The longer the setup, the bigger the laugh needs to be at the punch.
Write a hundred jokes on a premise and cut down to what works.
Try to match the crowd’s energy. Don’t scream at a mellow room, or whisper to an excited, party room.
And my advice is: The first mistake every comic makes is: Talking too fast. Slow down.
The second mistake is different for everyone. You’ll figure it out.

What I’ve Been Doing Lately

Posted Posted in comedy

Last Wednesday, I took a trip to the beautiful reservation in Warm Springs, OR and the Kahneeta Casino and Resort. It was so quiet, and so beautiful, and I got to spend four whole hours there until I had to hit the road back to Portland. I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, but it felt good to be out of the rain. Susan Rice and I enjoyed rocking the Appaloosa Lounge, where they were pretty surprised that two women could both be funny.

This is “the gang” at Headers, the bar that Dax Jordan and I performed at in Selma, OR on Saturday night. And when I say “The Gang”, I don’t mean the regulars- this was an actual motorbike gang. At Pop 1800, the birthplace of American Idol participant Kristy Lee Cook doesn’t have a Taco Bell but it does have something called the Raw Claw, pictured in the back left here.

Close-up on some of the contents of the Raw Claw. My favorite was a DVD called “Who’s The Bitch Now?” It serves as the town’s main gambling opportunity and adult bookstore. I got a tip jar, I got a shot at the Raw Claw, I got a lot of attention from a drunk cryptozoologist who claimed to be a former member of Arizona metal band a Surgical Steel. Good times.

Duck, Duck, Annihilation

Posted Posted in comedy, Gothic


Well, it’s not the first time a duck designed for suicide has made its way around the internet.

Well, maybe it is. It does remind me of one of my friend John Freeman’s dozens of bands, Duck, Duck, Annihilation- see a loving write-up of the Freeman phenomenon on Direct Hit Records, here.

As to complaints that the duck is too well-built to actually electrocute, (this is one product that never considered hiring a customer service staff) please consider either of the two easy backup options, given that you could hang yourself with the cord OR in dire straits, eat the duck, which if you are any kind of celebrity or known entity will result in a six month period where the phrase ‘eat a duck’ will be hipster shorthand for any suicide, which will confuse the heck out of people in food sales.

Eventually, it will end up in Cockney rhyming slang as a euphemism for sexual intercourse, which everything is.

P.S. Mom, I’m sorry my posts have been on a bummer lately. I’ll try to be more “up” in the spring, I promise!

My Favorite Things To Do On The Internet

Posted Posted in comedy, Uncategorized


Peroxide Mocha ponder the fragility of our existence.

1. Flickr-snooping: I like to look at picture sets of friend’s parties that I was not invited to. Alternate Name:*Snort* THAT hors d’oeuvre does not look very delicious.
2. Ex-Boyfriend-Googling: A classic, although I was sad to find that an ex had killed himself. Breaking up *is* hard to do.
3. Find My Own Death Announcements: When your name is Virginia Jones, you die several times a month. My family’s OK,
4. Myspace Hatin’: Not possible on Facebook, which is why it is still inferior in my eyes. I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to look at you and feel better that you don’t want to talk to me ever again!
5. Taking mental illness quizzes: I know for certain that I do not have a shopping compulsion. Everything else depends on the day.
6. OTHER STALKING VARIATIONS: Now, we all stalk enemies and exes, because it’s fun. But have you considered checking your own Youtube clip, obsessively, to see if people are watching/commenting on it? How about commenting on someone else’s clip that you like, and then checking back to see if other people think you comment on something you thought was funny was ALSO funny? How about writing a review of a product or service and checking on that, say, a hundred times? Just doing the cyber version of riding your bike past its house, all day- “Do other people love Kindle as much as I do? Do they like my parody song, Kindle in the Wind?”
It’s a big Internet! Get creative! What else can we do with free time, a negative attitude, and a 3G connection?

Auggie Roast Post-Mortem

Posted Posted in comedy, portland

Super-Christ Auggie-Star

A lot of people who are curious about things that happen in the world, but unwilling to leave their houses for it, have been asking how the Auggie Smith roast went down. Here are the highlights as remembered by me:

Troy Thirdgill in a beautiful daishiki as Reverend Jeremiah Wright, whom I’ll bet you didn’t even KNOW was a friend of Aug’s. Amazing.

Richard Bain wrote a special joke for everybody, and wore his t-shirt that Zach Galifianakis signed, and in general looked like Richard.

Dax Jordan on Lonnie Bruhn: If you took away the palsy, he’d just be cerebral.

Andy Andrist on Dax: What’s in his neck, it looks like… an elbow?

Me on Ron Osbourne: Doesn’t he look handsome? This is the first time I’ve seen him in pants that didn’t zip into shorts.

Aug on Holli: Holli Pappan, she’s the second-hottest comic in Portland, behind Andy Wood.

Me on Aug: He talks about having kids, but he doesn’t understand that you have to sleep with the same woman…for nine months…in a ROW.

Andy Wood on Mustard Man: Musty couldn’t be here, but he’s missed because…

Aug: You’re gonna do the Musty jokes?

Andy: I wrote ’em! I’m gonna do ’em!

Andy Wood on Richard Bain: Did you hear that Richard Simmons is going on the Richard Bain diet? He eats shit, but only when it matters!

Art on Richard: What’s it like when Richard tries to dress up for an event- AWK-WARD!

Dax on Virginia: She’s a vegan, she rides a bike to work, and she’s still fat!

Me: I’m gonna kill you.

Dax brought some show-and-tell, in the form of a forgotten storage trunk full of Auggie’s posessions, including a photo of himself on the toilet, and a Christmas Looney Toones tie, from the dark days when he was first learning to dress himself.

At the end of the night, as we stood around finishing our drinks and laughing at the pain we were going to bring to people who called us fat, we heard a majestic KA-WHUMP and turned towards the sound, many of us crying “Shit, Lonnie!”

But it was a tiny lady’s boots sticking in the air, and the semi-sober but very embarrassed Edie Van Ness was fished out from where she had fallen. Once it was clear that she was not hurt, we went back to laughing. She is in the center of this photo, which was taken pre-fall.

Front: Andy Andrist

Behind Andy: Richard Bain and Ron Osbourne

Keith Wallan, Arlo Stone, Edie Van Ness, Auggie Smith, Troy Thirdgill, Holli Pappan, Susan Rice, The Top of Andy Wood’s head, Me Looking Like an Ass, Dax Jordan, Art Krug