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Nobody Hates Themselves Like Asian Women!

Stand and Be Judged!

I was recently in Asia, and it seems that there is no segment of the world population that is more adorable and more self-hating than Japanese girls.  Everyone knows about double eyelid glue and tape, but  I became very attached to a product that looked like a potato peeler that was supposed to be rolled on either side of one’s nose to create a more Western nose.  This is, of course, impossible.  The nose is not made of silly putty and can’t be molded from the outside.  Most importantly, they all want to weigh under 100 pounds, regardless of height or build.

I bought a magazine in Narita airport so that I could pretend I had been to Japan, and found this article with  a hundred pictures of girls with the reasons all of their bodies suck.  One girl is thin, but her chest is *too* thin!  One girl accidentally formed a bicep muscle!  One girl’s body flaw is that her tits are too big.  HER TITS.  ARE TOO.  BIG.  Additionally, bitchy little insets from failed pop stars talk smack about these cartoon girls.
This is why anorexia is still Japan’s most popular hobby!    A popular surgery involves cutting a ligament so that one’s calf muscles atrophy and shrink away, leaving a stick-thin leg.  Pretty!  This makes me feel slightly better about the state that we’re in.  At least I’m allowed to work out and have muscles, instead of just starving myself puny.  I’m also glad to be back in the states because I don’t usually have this conversation at home:

Cassie: I saw your photo on Facebook!

Me: Oh, really?

Cassie: Yes, you looked very thin (indicating on face and neck where I used to be thin).  Were you thinner when you were younger?

Me: No, actually I came out this size.  I looked down and saw my mother’s bloody feet.  I exploded her.  Please pass the fried rice.