How To Write A PERFECT Tom Waits Song!

 photo of tom waits let's write a tom waits song

Let’s Write A Tom Waits Song. We’ll need:

Vintage Cars

Gunshots

Diamonds

Ballroom Dances

A beautiful woman with a sad past

A hundred year old bartender who knows all the stories from the old neighborhood

Hobo Talk

A Battered Suitcase

A Toy Piano

Horny Carnies

A Jukebox

A Sailor, Or A Bunch Of Them

An All-Night Diner

A Train

A Circus 20 Years Past Its Prime

and now we’re done!

If you ever wonder what a baby thinks of Tom Waits, you can check it out here.

We can also write a Nick Cave song, a Mountain Goats Song, or a Robyn Hitchcock song

It’s A Party On Paragon!

photograph of virginia jones by andrew max levy gogoparagon.co
Photo by Andrew Max Levy

It’s a party on Paragon! In these uncertain times, a service that sets up comics with interactive online shows has sprung up and offered me a spot, so here’s my profile on Paragon. They offer comedy sets, DJ dance parties, virtual drag shows, and a guy who’ll show you how to make pickles. It’s the brave new world of comedy! It’s a party on Paragon!

Customer Reviews:
We fell into Virginia’s hilarious spell immediately. Recommend her to anyone!

“The best 45 minutes my house arrested team has had on a google meet. Virginia, you are hilarious! My stomach is in pain from laughing.” 

The Getty Challenge: Portrait Of Madame X

virginia jones as John Singer Sargent's Portrait of Madame X

At the start of the Covid-19 lockdown, the Getty museum’s twitter account challenged people to recreate works of art at home, with things they had. I did John Singer Sargent’s Portrait of Madame X.

Someone commented that I referenced the original strapless version, which was so sexy that the artist had to add straps. It wasn’t a reference so much as my gown is made of a swimsuit and a bedsheet.

Trivia fact: The original model and I are both named Virginia.

The Cure For Ghosting

I can't seem to forget you your wind song stays on my mind ghosting dating

It happens to everyone.  Someone we were dating disappears, and we want to know what to do about it.  In a 40’s detective novel, we’d throw on a dirty overcoat and hit the streets and track them down, but now we just want to know…what happened?

Maybe they came on strong, pouring on the charm.   But then, you stopped hearing from them, and you can’t stop wondering about it.

The first time I was ghosted, it shocked me.  I had been seeing the person for nine months, and I thought if they weren’t responding to me, they must be in prison or in rehab.  Honestly, either one would have been a great idea for that person.  Finally, a close friend had to tell me- dude, he’s okay.  He’s just gone.  And she was right.

 Years later, the same friend asks me- I met this guy at the airport, we had crazy chemistry, we went on some dates, but now he’s gone silent- how do I get him to write me back? 

I gave it to her plain- you gotta stop talking to him.

 Exasperated, she told me, “No, you don’t understand, he’s already stopped talking to ME.  Not talking to him is, at best, a moot point.” 

“What everyone tells me”, she continued, “is to sit back and play it cool, and to let him pursue me.  But what if I don’t want to play it cool?  What if I want to reach out?  Why can’t I do that?  Shouldn’t I be able to do what I want?  I don’t like playing games.”

“You absolutely can do that”, I assure her.  “And you might see him again.  But he’ll disappear again, and you’ll be back in this same spot.  You can’t change him or his behavior.”

I see people finding my dating articles online with the same search terms again and again- how to respond to breadcrumbing.  What to do if you’re ghosted.   How to reconnect.  Just about everyone has had a moment when they wanted to hear from someone that they weren’t hearing from.  I’ve finally figured out the solution, and that is to forget them!

   The truth is this: everyone wants to know how to change someone’s mind.  If anyone had the answers on how to get someone back, they’d be a multi kajillionaire.  They’d be hiring Jeff Bezos to shine their shoes.  Turning someone towards you who has turned away- that’s the one thing nobody can really do, despite what the cosmetics, fitness, and apparel industries advertise. They pad their margins based on the hope that we can control something we can’t- “I can’t seem to forget you, your Wind Song stays on my mind!” 

  Think about it.  How many times have you heard the story: “We met online.  He came on strong, told me I was beautiful.  We went out a few times and it was really great.  Then, he stopped responding to my messages.  But I waited it out and really played it cool, and then one day I sent him just the right cat meme, and now we’re getting married at Disneyland.”

  Oh that’s right, you’ve never heard it. 

  I told her, the thing is, you’re not playing it cool for this guy.  He’s gone.  He’s in the wind.  You’ll run into him later at one of those bars that looks like a laundromat until you press the soap dispenser and a dryer door opens into the main room.

You’re playing it cool so he won’t waste more of your time. 

You’re not going to get good results from him.  You’re just moving him aside so you can keep looking for the person that will pursue you, who will be consistent, who will be as interested in you as you are in them.

  A few days pass and my friend calls me again.  She reached out and got a couple of texts from the guy, was exuberant for a minute, but then he was gone again.  At this point, he’s a sunk cost- she can pour more time and emotion into it, but she’s not getting anything back. 

 So much of dating is editing.  Our grandparents, great-grandparents, might have courted, or been courted by, fewer than a handful of people before they got married.  Modern singles can meet that many people in a weekend.  Most of those people won’t be the one.

  So, all the advice about hanging back and being aloof- it isn’t meant to change the person who has already let you down.  It’s to free you up and find the person who won’t. 

Dollface Productions

plus size vintage dress on model virginia jones link to dollface productions etsy

Dollface Productions is a plus size vintage Etsy store of comedy superstar and glamourpuss, Jenny Zigrino. Here’s a dress she got me that not only fits like a dream but is totally and completely my shit. Click on it to go to her Etsy store, which she keeps stocked with great plus size vintage finds!

An Average White Male Comic

I have decided when I start performing live again it will be as a ridiculously average white male comic.

I envy the way they promote each other, and back each other up in times of trouble. Average white men are friends to the end, even if their friend is a pedophile.

They don’t have to be that funny, because they support each other and raise each other up. Bros before hos! Bros before common decency! Bros before, frankly, everything!

Meet Hacky Sack. I will only be writing for, and performing as, an average white male comic in the future. I will take Bert Kreisher’s career. Let me poop into a pizza box.

The Photography of the Amazing Andrew Max Levy

virginia jones in a mask photographer andrew max levy plus size comic bowie shirt
Photo credit Andrew Max Levy

Andrew Max Levy, @justoffthesix on Instagram, has been shooting LA comics and comedy shows for years. He recently challenged Angelenos to donate to #blacklivesmatter in exchange for a portrait, and scheduled over 70 shoots. I was so glad to be part of an important fundraiser and get some nice shots.

virginia jones bowie shirt universal standard skirt plus size fashion
This ensemble is all the shit I bought to make myself feel better. Many of these items have never left the house before. Photo credit Andrew Max Levy.