I got a pair of wireless headphones. We were happy for a while, or, at least, I was. I paired them to my phone and learned their name.
I lost them within a week. They were gone before I recycled the box they came in. I had been worried that the chassis that held the charging port wasn’t very sturdy. I didn’t have to worry anymore.
It was so sudden. “They’ll be back,” I thought. “As soon as I buy replacement wireless headphones, they’ll come back to mock me.” I didn’t want to be like in the movie where the woman who has been missing assumed dead meets her husband’s new wife. “I moved on,” he tearfully explains. “What else was I supposed to do?”
I was in denial. The days waned on and on without them, and finally I thought, well, if they turn up again, I’ll have two. I got another pair.
I’ve had the new pair twice as long as the first.
They never turned up. They had stepped off the planet and released themselves into space, forever, trailing their weird little rubber stoppers behind them.
I’ve written about the best karaoke in the world, Portland’s Baby Ketten Karaoke, many times. I’ve done it here and here and here and here. My friend Jay Horton wrote all about the new all-ketten all the time club here.
It’s big news! Baby Ketten Karaoke is on the scene 7 nights a week on SE Powell, where it all began! Where I met Brophy and his crew, where I sang my first song, I Want Your Sex by George Michael, while wearing a petticoat of some sort (I mean a lot of these are sense memories), where I got drunk and bought a painting of a pitbull, where two sisters waited for an ambulance after one of them bit the other one’s nose sort of OFF, where Klingon Karaoke happened for a while, where I DJ’ed a terrible goth night where an attendee asked me to play the I’m Dead I’m Dead song, all that spirit and magic has swirled together for all the Kettens to meet up. I am getting there as soon as I can and I’ll see you when that happens! Check out the best songbook in the world here!
It’s my first time on Sam Varela and Brandie Posey’s amazing PICTURE THIS stand up comedy show, I have been paired with the amazing artist Craig Bartlett, who worked at Will Vinton and was behind Penny, from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, as well as Hey Arnold! This is gonna be a once in a lifetime comedy show!
I’m delighted to come visit my NorCal friends next week to headline two shows at DNA’s comedy lab! If you’ve seen me before at the Santa Cruz festival, this will be all-new material, and I’m bringing the young, vivacious Rick Wood to feature. It’s gonna be a fun, reasonably-priced time, come on out! Tickets here.
OK let’s play a more obscure game: Let’s Write A Robyn Hitchcock Song!
Angels Priests Hoods & Masks Birds The Byrds A jangly, circular guitar riff that sounds like bells A reverse pedal Vegetables Spiders/Spider’s Eggs Insects Eyes Plants that become people, people that become plants Cockney rhyming slang Lizards Obelisks A Mandrake root writhing under a full moon in a sensual way Disease/Decay Prawns Trains Death People named Bruce or Kevin
Comedy moves quickly, but these bits will get you on all the cool shows and festivals, because everyone’s doin’ em!
Extremely Detailed Solipsism Pretending To Be Mad About Small Things ShockJock (90’s Nostalgia) Fat Guys, Shirts Off If I Yell It, It’s A Punchline I Pooped In Public, A Closer White People Interpreting Rap Lyrics Homeless People Are Weird That Time I Ate Too Much Pot Hillbilly Philosopher (Nihilism in a Trucker Cap)
When you submit your comedy album to Pandora, like I did with my comedy album, Gothic American, they sort your tracks into little pre-written buckets for their algorithm- and the description of the tracks from my album, Gothic American, make a nice little poem about my comedy: