The Eternal Mystery

Posted Posted in comedy

I got a pair of wireless headphones. We were happy for a while, or, at least, I was. I paired them to my phone and learned their name.

I lost them within a week. They were gone before I recycled the box they came in. I had been worried that the chassis that held the charging port wasn’t very sturdy. I didn’t have to worry anymore.

It was so sudden. “They’ll be back,” I thought. “As soon as I buy replacement wireless headphones, they’ll come back to mock me.” I didn’t want to be like in the movie where the woman who has been missing assumed dead meets her husband’s new wife. “I moved on,” he tearfully explains. “What else was I supposed to do?”

I was in denial. The days waned on and on without them, and finally I thought, well, if they turn up again, I’ll have two. I got another pair.

I’ve had the new pair twice as long as the first.

They never turned up. They had stepped off the planet and released themselves into space, forever, trailing their weird little rubber stoppers behind them.

Baby Ketten Has A Furever Home

Posted Posted in artsy fartsy, karaoke, portland

I’ve written about the best karaoke in the world, Portland’s Baby Ketten Karaoke, many times. I’ve done it here and here and here and here. My friend Jay Horton wrote all about the new all-ketten all the time club here.

It’s big news! Baby Ketten Karaoke is on the scene 7 nights a week on SE Powell, where it all began! Where I met Brophy and his crew, where I sang my first song, I Want Your Sex by George Michael, while wearing a petticoat of some sort (I mean a lot of these are sense memories), where I got drunk and bought a painting of a pitbull, where two sisters waited for an ambulance after one of them bit the other one’s nose sort of OFF, where Klingon Karaoke happened for a while, where I DJ’ed a terrible goth night where an attendee asked me to play the I’m Dead I’m Dead song, all that spirit and magic has swirled together for all the Kettens to meet up. I am getting there as soon as I can and I’ll see you when that happens! Check out the best songbook in the world here!

Picture This!

Posted Posted in artsy fartsy, comedy

It’s my first time on Sam Varela and Brandie Posey’s amazing PICTURE THIS stand up comedy show, I have been paired with the amazing artist Craig Bartlett, who worked at Will Vinton and was behind Penny, from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, as well as Hey Arnold! This is gonna be a once in a lifetime comedy show!

Let’s Write A Robyn Hitchcock Song!

Posted Posted in music

OK let’s play a more obscure game: Let’s Write A Robyn Hitchcock Song!

We’ll need:

Angels
Priests
Hoods & Masks
Birds
The Byrds
A jangly, circular guitar riff that sounds like bells
A reverse pedal
Vegetables
Spiders/Spider’s Eggs
Insects
Eyes
Plants that become people, people that become plants
Cockney rhyming slang
Lizards
Obelisks
A Mandrake root writhing under a full moon in a sensual way
Disease/Decay
Prawns
Trains
Death
People named Bruce or Kevin

Popular Comedy Tropes

Posted Posted in comedy, los angeles

Comedy moves quickly, but these bits will get you on all the cool shows and festivals, because everyone’s doin’ em!

Extremely Detailed Solipsism
Pretending To Be Mad About Small Things
ShockJock (90’s Nostalgia)
Fat Guys, Shirts Off
If I Yell It, It’s A Punchline
I Pooped In Public, A Closer
White People Interpreting Rap Lyrics
Homeless People Are Weird
That Time I Ate Too Much Pot
Hillbilly Philosopher (Nihilism in a Trucker Cap)

Pandora Poetry

Posted Posted in comedy, Virginia Jones, women

When you submit your comedy album to Pandora, like I did with my comedy album, Gothic American, they sort your tracks into little pre-written buckets for their algorithm- and the description of the tracks from my album, Gothic American, make a nice little poem about my comedy:

Female Experiences

An Amused Delivery

A Deadpan Delivery

A Sarcastic Delivery

A Self-Deprecating Delivery

Surprising Misdirects

Jokes About The Entertainment Industry

Humorously Dim-Witted Logic

A Wide Variety of Subject Matter

Liberal Political Leanings

Subject Explorations

Anecdotes