Some of my favorite pieces from the Celebrity Silhouette we took for S.S. Coachella– it was a very British and very modern collection that I wish I had more time to enjoy!
My 8 Least Favorite Things About 2020:
I carry a lot of 80’s Laura Ashley trauma. Someone referred to their own aesthetic as Gothic Cottagecore and that can’t be a thing.
The sippycup lids for Starbucks cold drinks. I also love turtles but I don’t like to drink from a ba-ba. Can’t I just send money to a gofundme for the turtles?
3. That Burrito Blanket
Thing is like a Magic Eye where everyone sees a delicious tortilla and I see a shit-stained white blanket. I can almost smell that thing, get it away from me.
4. Zoom Karaoke
Bless our little cotton socks for trying, it doesn’t work.
Growing food. I was so proud that I had grown five dollars of green onions over 6 months until I realized I had probably spent twenty dollars on water.
6. Instagram Live.
Your friend goes instagram live and you think oh what are they doin’ and it’s nothing, they’re not doing anything but they’ve seen that you’re watching and it’s a lowkey hostage situation.
7. People who make fun of my Quibi tattoo.
Look, I believed in something and it didn’t work out. I guess you’ve never made a mistake before.
Not everything needs to be tie-dyed. Give it a rest, Trent.
Maybe something else crappy happened this year, but I can’t think of it right now.
Renpho Shiatsu Foot Massager: This is a little robot who massages your feet.
It looks like a Volkswagen New Beetle from the front. You put your feet deep into the robot. There are removable and washable black liners so you can’t see the robot as it rubs your feet. Perhaps the robot is shy. Maybe it’s just weird to see a robot touching your feet.
There are three intensity settings for compression and massage, and an option for heat, which was really relaxing. You can pick 15 minute or 30 minute massage programs, and you can change intensity and pressure levels at any time.
It’s a nice massage, like you’d get in a massage chair but just for your feet. It makes a whirring and beeping sound that aggravates my dog, or maybe he’s just upset that the robot doesn’t rub his feet.
His feet are too small for the robot. Do not put dog feet into the robot.
My feet felt so good and relaxed afterwards, and they felt even better when I woke up in the morning, like they had been aligned, stretched and were ready for adventure. It’s a little spa treatment you can have at home!
I’m on Tiktok as badinia, making comedy goth content for the very few people who want that! Here it is! Be my Tiktok friend!
What will we need to make the perfect Blade Runner movie?
Neon in the rain
Fetishy latex jackets
Crowds of pedestrians in weird masks
Wet sex workers
Giant buildings shaped like pyramids
Street food/night markets
That opthamologist setup where lenses are flipped with other lenses
High contrast lighting
Eyes: close up, tattooed, missing
Serial numbers on everything
Harrison Ford holding a square glass tumbler
Slow ceiling fan
My thinking was, if I put all these bastards together, I’ll feel like I’ve done something.
Just in time for Halloween, Rebecca Leib and Jason Horton invited me to share a TRUE spooky Portland story on their podcast!
I’ve been a fan of Paula Poundstone since forever, and it was an honor to be in the room with her. Did I get to finish a story, or even a thought? Maybe not. But it was awesome to see her brain work.
I got to hang out with the world’s two coolest guys on a legendary podcast! We talk about goths, Smashmouth, and dino toys. Like usual!
I’m always glad to pop in on my two favorite dorks and talk about draculas, Bad Venom, Godzilla, and Halloween!
I terrify the hilarious and knowledgeable Jackie Kashian with my return to the Dork Forest to talk all things Labyrinth!
A pair of white guys (Matt Brousseau and Kevin Anderson) invite two guests a week to chat about everything and nothing at all. In this episode, they make endless Warren Zevon jokes and I let everyone know that cannibalism is OK, and that one time I ate eggs from a chicken I know. Then, we meet a Teen Wolf who is on the verge of becoming a Woman Wolf!
My darling friend Myq Kaplan had me and Eliza Rickman on to talk about music and comedy and whatnot!
Rivers Langley had me over to talk Lyft, rat traps, and Psychic TV.
What is a concept album? Where do they come from? The answer may surprise you! Rivers Langley and Pat Reilly have me back on GftW to discuss!
Amy Miller, Steve Hernandez, and John-Michael Bond have me over to discuss witches, Plano, Mormonism, et al.
Andy Wood and Matt Kirshen have this science based podcast called Probably Science, and they let me be on it one time!
Like all the greatest supervillains, I share with a podcaster the truth that would most embarrass me.
The amazing Mike Drucker and I hash out how to be happy through self-delusion!
Me and my college roommate and her friend have a talk about the ins and outs of Alex Cox’s Sid and Nancy!
Bryan Cook made up this dirty, funny show where we write erotic fan fiction on the spot, and then he podcasts it so my family can be ashamed of me! Hooray!
The incredibly famous Put Your Hands Together with Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher from the UCB theatre!
I got to be on another episode of PYHT!
Sorry About Your Dad
International superstar and Last Comic Standing ass-kicker Amy Miller asked me over to talk about the fact that our dads are both dead! (This podcast is no longer up, Amy told me she realized that it was a huge bummer as a concept and she didn’t know why she was doing it, when the answer is that we are all nuts!)
Maximum Fun podcast Lady 2 Lady had me over to shoot the shit and for some reason talk about toilets a lot with Barbara Gray, Tess Barker, and Brandie Posey!
Cornelius Peter does a podcast called Book Me, Please about books we’ve read, and in some cases, written! I got to be on it with my friend Matt Kirshen!
Me Three, a podcast with Darci “Kittenpants” Ratliff and Lisa Beth “No Pants” Johnson
In 2009, I was on a now long-mothballed podcast called The Ugly Angels! History!
I was so excited to be on Jackie Kashian’s Dork Forest in 2009, thanks to Joe Wilson!
My daughter, Saffron, gave me a genetics kit for my birthday this year, and I know it’s a bit cheesy but in the tradition of middle aged dads everywhere, I’ve been working up the old family tree.
I’m pleased to have found a great many writers and poets in my bloodline!
The First LeBon
The first LeBon arrived in London in the big Huguenot emigration of the 1590’s, and published the Elizabethan period poem below:
Thou has se’en me– stood’st at the corner of thy street
And O! A fire makes for flashes on thy stone sill
To be solitary pleases you not
So thou wouldst seek out pleasure
And sooth- thou would knows’t wherefore and whyfore
Nay, pray not for me today
Prithee, pray for me on the morrow– Francois LeBon
Next, I found an American whose family settled in Louisiana. We have a great-great grandfather in common. He loved the SF beat poetry scene so much he moved out there in 1953.
Antoine LeBon wrote the following, published in a zine called Street Poems in 1957:
I finally bugged out yesterday
Couldn’t peep my hillside pad
Maybe I’ll head there in a year
Maybe I won’t
I can feel you diggin’ on me, cat, day and night
I’m hep to it, the art and incantations
I dig it, it’s a gas
There’s a dream, a fantasy maybe
Stringing down this road we call our home
There’s shards of glass everywhere
It cuts me, cuts me deep, and finally I say
Hey man, hip me to it
What do I gotta know?
Perhaps strangest of all is a British girl whose family moved to Japan in the 30’s, and who wrote pretty little haiku like this one, this is Belleanne LeBon from her school poetry journal:
Cherry blossom lips
Smear in a line as she falls
Into blue water
Amazing stuff. I showed it to Yasmin and said, look, babe, we’ve always been poets and she said, love, you’re not a poet, you’re just a clotheshorse who got lucky.
Well, I’ll add more if I find more!
‘Til then- Simon