Picked up a nice drunk couple from a bar, they were on a Lyft Line so I headed to pick up the next person.
Girl: You’re going the wrong way.
Me: Oh, we’re gonna go pick up Nicole real quick!
Girl: Who the fuck is Nicole?
Guy: Oh, honey, I did Lyft Line
Girl: What the fuck is Lyft Line?
Guy: It’s like Uber Pool.
Me: Save a couple bucks, reduce traffic!
Girl: You cheap FUCK.
Guy: Hon, are you really mad? We’re not in a hurry…
(a few moments pass, we talk about other stuff, having fun)
Girl: Why are you going east?
Me: We’re…gonna pick up Nicole real quick?
Girl: Who the fuck is Nicole?
Me: She’s..the next rider on the Lyft line?
Girl: What the fuck is Lyft Line? She sounds, sorry to say this, like a c*nt.
Guy: Um…don’t say c*nt?
Girl: And you can ignore him. He’s never even been in a threeway. I’ve been in like thirty.
Me: That sounds like a real calling!
Girl: Plus, he’s the only dude I’ve dated who hasn’t wanted to move in after six months! What the fuck is that?
Guy: Uh.
Me: (Trying to lighten the mood) Well, those other dudes were codependents! I’ve dated guys for six months before I put their names in my phone!
Girl: WHAT the FUCK are you SAYING I want to GET OUT
Me: Oh, here’s Nicole!
Girl: Hi Nicole, where are you going?
Nicole: To No Vacancy!
Girl: Oh cool that’s a cool place to go to get fucked by a 27 year old guy with no job
Nicole: OK?
Me: Ok, you guys are almost to your destination!
Girl: I don’t wanna go to his house. Can you drop me at my house (gives address)
Me: Well…I can’t actually change destination on lyft line, because, you know, we have to head near where Nicole is going.
Girl: You cheap fuck!
Me: (Last attempt at humor) No fighting in the cab!
Girl: I don’t want to go to his house EVER AGAIN!
Guy: (whispering) are you serious right now?
Girl: FUCK YOU YOU CHEAP JEW FUCK. AND FUCK THIS DRIVER. AND NICOLE THERE’S BAR LUBITSCH IT’S A GREAT PLACE TO GET FUCKED BY A RUSSIAN DUDE.
Nicole: I don’t think I’m looking for that.
Me: (silence)
Me: (SFX screeching brakes) OK here you are! Thanks so much!
(They get out, fighting because she wants to break up with him for doing rideshare)
Nicole: What the fuck was that
Me: Sorry, I know!
Confidential to Aaron: You’re a nice dude and I think you can do better!
