This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message from the same guy, and we discovered it was the same message.
Many thanks to my anonymous friend Zeke Shandy for this excellent question:
“After ten years of internet dating, I’m still, I guess, awful at it. How do I break the ice with a woman online?”
There are as many different approaches as there are women in the world. I’d like to offer some advice based on my own internet dating experiences. Not showing off, but I’ve been single a lot. Lots and lots.
OKCupid released a study last year claiming it’s a numbers game, and the best bet for men is to send as many messages as possible. They claim that blasting “Hey, how are you?” to five hundred women will get more first responses than spending the time to actually try to connect with fifty women.
Is It A Numbers Game?
This is lazy: a person who is putting forth the absolute minimum effort annoys me. This also includes “Hey.” “Howdy.” “What’s up.” “How’s your weekend.” That approach employs the math of internet dating: trying to attract as many potential mates as possible so that you can sort through them later.
I am a proponent of an old fashioned idea that you might like someone because you found their personality attractive, and you don’t wish to go on 500 dates with people who just ask how your weekend was.
This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message online. We discovered it was the same message. I know the internet makes it feel like there are infinite numbers of single women to talk to, but there aren’t. We called him on it and he said I have to send too many messages to women, I can’t write them all individually. Well, ok, perhaps our bots can date?
Check out these do’s and don’ts!
DO: Mention what made you smile in her profile.
This is lots easier on sites like OK Cupid and Match.com with its questions and essays than it is on Tinder or other visual-based apps- where it’s easy to make initial connections, but hard to maintain ‘em. After you’ve established that you’re both people who love standing in front of painted angel wings, where do you go from there? Get her talking about an interest you have in common!
DON’T: Write a five paragraph essay mentioning your thoughts on every single thing in her profile
This feels slightly stalkery and also responding to it will feel like work. Keep in mind that we’re probably tapping out responses on phones while waiting in line for coffee, so brevity is good!
DO: Make it clear that you’d like to connect with her.
I get a lot of super non-committal messages. If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t. Easy!
DO: Ask her out if you enjoy talking to her, and feel like she is responsive to you.
After a couple of days of back-and-forth but no plans, I’ll stop responding. I’m a person with a finite amount of time on this earth and I can’t spend it telling twenty people how my weekend was.
DON’T: Get mad if she doesn’t want to give you her phone number.
I’ve had a ton of trouble with this, but if I haven’t met you, I don’t feel safe giving you my number. Please respect my boundary. I know not all men will text with crazy abuse and dick pics, but it happens enough that I established a policy.
DO: Be positive and fun.
If you’ve just started talking to someone, it might feel fun to immediately talk about the terrible experiences you’ve had on the dating scene, or how you specifically DON’T like something in her profile. I don’t know where to go from there. There’s so many ways to make a conversation fun, so try one of them!
GIVE SOMETHING TO GET SOMETHING:
Try and ask a question that you’d be interested in hearing the answer to, and then write something back when she responds! If you just respond to her last message “OK” , don’t be surprised when you don’t hear back.
DON’T mention her attractiveness:
I assume if you’re writing me, you think I’m attractive. Having a stranger dwell on your looks, particularly your body, is off-putting.
DON’T start with sexy talk:
Sexual attention is not welcome from a stranger. I know my friend Zeke wouldn’t do it, and you shouldn’t either. I know it feels like a compliment to tell a lady you’re thinking about motorboating them tits, but it isn’t.
I know internet dating is hard. It can feel like work. It’s hard to share a little of yourself with another person, but it’s the only way to get any good out of it. Ultimately, we’re all here to connect and learn and have good experiences! Good luck, Zeke!
Anyone with a question can DM me on Facebook or Twitter, where I am @badiniadones!
– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/how-do-i-talk-to-a-girl-in-2016-the-internet-edition/3/#sthash.ndChtkQI.dpuf
