Vagina Jones

Posted Posted in comedy, long beach, los angeles

It was brought to my attention that there’s an all-lady improv group in SF called Vagina Jones.   I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

POSTSCRIPT: I met the founder of Vagina Jones, a now-defunct SF improv group, and she didn’t understand why it was troublesome to me to have Vagina Jones appear at the Sketchfest every year while I never did.

Halloween 2013: God Save the Queen!

Posted Posted in artsy fartsy, comedy, costume, Gothic, gothixxx, halloween, long beach, los angeles
Photo of me by Evan Ballinger. Photo of Queen Victoria by someone else.

This year I decided to find the new “sexy” costume for the ages, so I went with the dowager Queen Victoria, who wore mourning black for forty years after the death of her beloved consort Prince Albert.  She was the first Royal to be photographed, and believed that cosmetics were for prostitutes and actresses- and really, who can tell the difference between those two things?

The high point of my Halloweek was visiting Emo Philips, whom I had last interacted with at Comic-Con as a spooky goth girl when I was promoting Seraph Films, and he seemed very pleased to meet Sexy Queen Victoria.

I also enjoyed appearing as Bloodmeadow from Gothixxx on the Dark Mark show, which you can watch here, Bloodmeadow got there about twenty minutes in.  She was running on Goth People’s Time, which allows for re-application of makeup and accouterments.

Happy Halloween, everyone!


Happy Anniversary

Posted Posted in comedy, long beach, los angeles, vegan
My Boyfriend, The Automatic Espresso Maker

This Friday is a very special anniversary for me.  I had a furious one-sided battle with Starbucks last year, who at first lured me in with the promise of free soymilk in exchange for unquestioning fealty, and then took it away, so I bought a Gaggia Titanium espresso machine and started making lattes at home, despite not really knowing how.

How fast a year flies by, especially when your heart is palpitating!  I am at 1700 espressos pulled (double shots) and have cleared $5,000 in savings.  I have put fancy beans (David Lynch, my favorite local Groundworks, Lord Windsor from Long Beach) and cheap/normal beans (bulk from Costco, no-name sale beans at Fresh & Easy) and I’m sorry to say, every single pull has been fucking delicious.   The  beans create a variety of flavors but I’ve never pulled a shot I didn’t care for.

When I’m away from home, I have been using an Aeropress rig that I’ve used to pull shots in the Catskills, in my sister’s place in New York, on set in Van Nuys and Simi Valley, and in the adorable hipster paradise that is Hicksville trailer park in Joshua Tree.  Pulling hot espresso shots on the fly makes you very popular with musicians, comedians, writers, actors, and directors.  This is also very fun to use and makes a delicious shot, but it’ll never replace my main man.

I mean, what does love mean if it’s not slowly killing you?

California Costumes Stole Me!

Posted Posted in comedy, costume, fashion, gay, Gothic, gothixxx, long beach, los angeles

I have been immortalized, in cheap wig form, as a blind pop star of some sort.

Thanks to alert friend Tom Plunket, it has come to my attention that I have been immortalized, in cheap wig form, by the good people at California Costumes.  Now, I don’t know when I became a blind pop star, but evidently that’s my overall look.  These people owe me royalties and I’m going to sit right here on my couch until I get them.

A Henchman’s Letter

Posted Posted in comedy, long beach, los angeles

First of all, let me say, I’m really excited to be joining your team of henchmen.  When I saw the ad on Craigslist, I thought, this might be my path out of depression, self-destruction, and debt, and I get my own orange jumpsuit and pith helmet!   I’m excited about backing you up when you show up places and make big pronouncements and call for the action of the Target so that we can lure him into a trap.  I’m proud to be your muscle and your backup.  You’re a big man, and I love being a part of the operation you’re building here.   That  being said, I want to clarify your expectations of me.

1. I’m a minor character, so I’m never going to be a sureshot.

If I’m shooting at your Target, I’m never going to so much as wing him.  I’m a minor character.  I am only ever referred to as HENCHMAN #2.  I’m never gonna land anything, no matter how many hours I spend on the firing range.  If I’m lucky, I’ll accidentally shoot another henchman and he’ll yell at me for comic effect.

2. If the Target seriously hurts me, I’m going to go seek medical attention, not fight him to the death.

I’m an hourly employee.  I’m not going to risk my life on this shit.  If I’m losing blood and fighting the Target on top of a collapsing tension bridge?  I’m gonna get the fuck off the bridge and get some stitches and some painkillers and go home and watch The Voice.  I’m not your blood brother.  I’m not your Mom.  I’m not motivated by superhuman loyalty or revenge.  I’m working for just over minimum wage.   I don’t even get Medical, we’re all independent contractors because Aetna would be really curious about all the claims your henchmen have against being strangled and shot and burned and bitten by sharks.  It’s not worth it.   You didn’t know I loved The Voice?  There’s a lot you don’t know about me.  Work-life balance.  Look it up.

3.  Lastly, I’m human.  I make mistakes.  When I tell you that the Target has escaped and I honestly apologize and tell you it won’t happen again, don’t tell me you know it won’t and be creepily affectionate towards me (which I LOVE, I didn’t grow up with a Dad, obviously) and then kill me.  I’m doing the best I fucking can.  Your Target is an Oxford-educated international spy in constant contact with a support network keeping track of his every move and feeding him information.  You know I didn’t even finish high school, man.

Thanks so much for reviewing this!  Now, let’s get out there and build an evil empire!

Regards, Henchman #2