First of all, let me say, I’m really excited to be joining your team of henchmen. When I saw the ad on Craigslist, I thought, this might be my path out of depression, self-destruction, and debt, and I get my own leather jumpsuit! I’m excited about backing you up when you show up places and make big pronouncements and call for the action of the Target so that we can lure him into a trap. I’m proud to be your muscle and your backup. You’re a big man, and I love being a part of the operation you’re building here. That being said, I want to clarify your expectations of me.
1. I’m a minor character, so I’m never going to be a sureshot.
If I’m shooting at your Target, I’m never going to so much as wing him. I’m a minor character. I am only ever referred to as HENCHMAN #2. I’m never gonna land anything, no matter how many hours I spend on the firing range. If I’m lucky, I’ll accidentally shoot another henchman and he’ll yell at me for comic effect.
2. If the Target seriously hurts me, I’m going to go seek medical attention, not fight him to the death.
I’m an hourly employee. I’m not going to risk my life on this shit. If I’m losing blood and fighting the Target on top of a collapsing tension bridge? I’m gonna get the fuck off the bridge and get some stitches and some painkillers and go home and watch The Voice.
I’m not your Mom. I’m not motivated by superhuman loyalty or revenge. I’m working for just over minimum wage. I don’t even get Medical, we’re all independent contractors because Aetna would be really curious about all the claims your henchmen make for being strangled and shot and burned and bitten by sharks. It’s not worth it. You didn’t know I loved The Voice? There’s a lot you don’t know about me. Work-life balance. Look it up.
3. Lastly, I’m human. I make mistakes. When I tell you that the Target has escaped and I honestly apologize and tell you it won’t happen again, don’t tell me you know it won’t and be creepily affectionate towards me (which I LOVE, I didn’t grow up with a Dad, obviously) and then kill me. I’m doing the best I fucking can. Your Target is an Oxford-educated international spy in constant contact with a support network keeping track of his every move and feeding him information. You know I didn’t even finish high school, man.
Thanks so much for reviewing this! Now, let’s get out there and build an evil empire!
Regards, Henchman #2