Gothixxx, Episode 1

These two gothgirls explain it all to you.  You can write them with questions, gifts, and marriage proposals at gothixxxvlog@gmail.com!

Update: The third day in, they’ve got 470 views and would love more, in order to build their dark empire!  Please pass this video to anyone you think might enjoy it, or even if they wouldn’t!  And be sure and watch in Highest Quality, so you can really see where their white faces part from their pink necks!

Jeffrey Campbell Goes Vegan!

Did you know that iconic, fashion-blogged, architectural shoe designer Jeffrey Campbell has put out some of his most iconic, glam, fabulous models in vegan versions this Summer, available exclusively on Convert?  Well, now you do, you silly rascal!  Thanks, J.C.!

Don’t bugg Me

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This is my arm with the Bodybugg on it.  Yes, I’m very pretty.

  Since my relocation to glamorous SoCal, it has come to my attention that some of my sassy trousers and dresses had gotten a little tighter than they used to be, so I have re-installed a small chirping robot on my arm called the Bodybugg.  After losing 20 lbs with the Bugg last year, I abandoned it when I started going out on dates.  Something about the psychic magnetism of people’s hands means that whenever anyone touches my arm reassuringly or in a flirty manner, it lands right on my robot.  I move the robot up, it gets touched.  I move the robot down, it gets touched. 

  It’s always off-putting when a stranger accidentally grabs your robot, so here are the lies I have told about it:

1. It’s for diabetes

2. It’s a symbiotic parasite that allows me to read minds (half true)

3. It’s for house arrest.

4. My car won’t start without it.

Bodybugg is a shiny black square on an elastic band.  It uses a pedometer, thermometer, and skin conductivity to measure the actual calories I burn every day. If I want my ass to be smaller, I will know precisely how much to feed it.

  I was born of Irish potato-eating stock that prepares for the ever-looming threat of famine generated by the ruling British class every day of my life, so I have to watch what I put in my face pretty closely. 

  I think that the real meaning of adulthood is not paying taxes or volunteering to help the aged, but looking at a chart on a computer that lets you know you can’t eat a cookie until you’ve finished doing your sit-ups, or else you’re not going to get to wear the jeans you want on Friday.

All that being said- this is the only weightloss thingy that has consistently worked for me.  It’s hard facts, no flinching allowed- Robot+food logging (UGH what can be duller)+math.  Also, it has kind of a Tamagotchi element. When I take it off to shower or sit in a hot tub, it lets out a little “where are you” chirp, and when it is back on my arm, it sings a little self-congratulatory song.  That makes me feel like the little robot is happy to live on me.  It may be sucking energy off of me like a vampire.  I can’t be sure.

Interesting Drug

Dear All;

As part of my new rock and roll Los Angeles lifestyle, I attended a Smiths/Morrissey convention at the Avalon ballroom in Hollywood last night. 

I asked a few friends to join me, but t they were above that kind of shameless display, so in the end I went alone, which was entirely appropriate.

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I really didn’t know what to expect. In my head, I thought it would more like other record conventions I’ve been to, stacks of related records, bootleg DVD’s, t-shirts, and very little eye contact. 

What I Found

  I shan’t bore you with the blow-by-blow of Mozathon, but it essentially consisted of a rocking cover band from Dublin (These Charming Men, not to be confused with my personal favorite Smiths cover project, This Charming Band from SF*), a Smiths/ Moz karaoke contest hosted by the specialist outfit New Wave Karaoke, held on an unlit stage in an adjoining room, a room of PETA tables (hooray) and a few t-shirt salesmen and hawkers of various unlicensed Smiths paraphernalia. 

In previous years, Mike Joyce and Andy Rourke (the Least Famous Members of the Smiths, not like Johnny Marr) have attended, but that doesn’t seem necessary. 

The con has separated from the mothership of relevance and continues, with people showing up to hang out with each other.

What They Looked Like

There were two basic looks: Pompadours and eyeglasses for the boys,and Hispanic Bettie Page for the girls.   I joked with a fellow con attendee, who had traveled from Tuscon to check it out, that if he ever murdered anyone, he should come hide at a Morrissey event.  He did not find this as hilarious as I did, and to be fair, who would?

I approached a nice person in this shirt and asked if I could take a photo, because this Morrissey/Mayhem mash-up was the funniest thing I’d ever seen, and still is, mostly, even after this.

My favorite part of all  conventions is how friendly and approachable everyone is.   Everyone is happy to talk, happy to talk about Moz, happy to be there.  And that’s what I most enjoyed.  That and watching a deadpan lesbian sing “First of The Gang To Die.”  Those were my two favorite things.

Karaoke Friendships

I was sorry that I was not available to hang out long enough for the karaoke contest, but I was interested to see that Queen is Dead was on the songlist.

I am only familiar with Queen is Dead as a Baby Ketten Karaoke jam (with all instruments and vocals by Mr. John Brophy, Esq). 

  I followed up with a visit to the New Wave Karaoke in Bellflower, and was delighted to learn that they had acquired the selfsame version from a friend of Brophy’s in the O.C.  (Kevin Karaoke, Natch)

The rest of the list is quite good, with more Bauhaus and Love and Rockets and Dead Can Dance than I’ve seen elsewhere, as well as nuggets like Dexy’s Geno, The Cramps’ Human Fly, and the goth dancehall classic once only available on the soundtrack for Married to the Mob, Q Lazzarus’  Goodbye, Horses*. 

In other small world news, evidently the KJ is a friend of my friend My Young’s,  who is from Plano, TX.  It’s my world.  Just to say, I already know everyone worth knowing, which is why I don’t need any friends.

*Trivia Fact: Although the original lead singer, the great Orlandissey, has left This Charming Band and has been replaced by a younger dude, I will still talk to almost anyone about my love for them at length. 

**Trivia Fact: Because “Goodbye, Horses” was not featured on the soundtrack for Silence of the Lambs, in the pre-Internet age the only way to have a copy was to track down a copy of 1988’s Married to the Mob, until Kevin Smith used it in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  YOU CAN’T IMAGINE HOW HARD WE HAD IT!

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  Here’s a nice picture featuring myself, KJ Jay Tando, and the Baby Ketten logo on the Queen is Dead video.

Bridgetown Festival Postmortem

Photo of Jon Glaser by Liezl Estipona

Well, we’re all winners, because we all got to tell jokes and hang out at the 5th annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival, which was widely regarded as The Best Yet, but here are some of my random thoughts on the event:

Party Excellence:

My Shortest Attendance Of A Party, Ever: The promotional shindig for the Riot, LA’s alternative comedy festival- I got there at 1, I gave Pete Holmes a hug and watched Lachlan Patterson pretend to play the harp, the cops busted it at 1:10 and we were bringing our noise disturbance to the street.

Superlatives:

Person Who Is The Best Partner For An Extended Interpretive Dance: Jono Zalay

Best Sex Talk: Jon Glaser

Most Multi-Talented: Mary Mack

Most Amazing Dancer Besides Me: Guy Branum.  Way to play to the stereotype, baby.

Least Surprising Winner of a Trivia Contest Who Is Nonetheless Very Fun To Play With: TV Geek Paul Goebel.

Third Person To Get Engaged At or Near Bridgetown, That I Know Of: David Cope

Most Amazing, Most Giving, Most Funny, Most Worshipped: Maria Bamford

Dummy Most Likely To Have Her Badge And ID Stolen By Drunk Sluts At An Afterparty: Me

Best Combination Of Funny and Good Hugs: Tim Harmston

Hottest Person With A Fiftieth Birthday: Dwight Slade

Most Incredible Sensual Bird Mime: Kurt Braunholer

Funniest Person I Can’t Believe I Hadn’t Heard Of:  Dave Hill.  Smart, surreal, and very rock-and-roll- seriously, he’s amazing.

Most Talked About In Reverent Tones Of Adoration: James Adomian

Best Impression Of An Effeminate Southern Coin Collector: David Crowe

Show Which Had No Indication Of Being Well-Attended And Great: Hawthorne Lounge Portlandia Show, where we did comedy to the sounds of Guitar Wolf being played next door

Person Who Most Worried Me That He Would Fall Off The Large Thing He Had Climbed Onto, And Mar My Show With His Death: Patrick Keane

The Best Erotic Fiction About Star Trek And Mythology (lifetime award): Mike Drucker

Best Place To Meet Other Comics on a Delta Flight: The SLC-PDX leg from the Mormon-infested west coast hub.  I met one comic I knew and three I didn’t, but whom I identified from their bitching about being asked to host shows.

The Most Disturbing Portrait of Dora The Explorer: Aparna Nancherla

Most Amazing After-Party DJ: April Richardson

Most Likely To Be Mistaken For Each Other: Whitmer Thomas and Christian Ricketts

Least Twinlike Brothers: The Walsh Brothers (FLIPPING HILARIOUS)

Most Adorable: Alex Gavlick

Most Excited Fans: Tim Heidecker

Most People Showing Up For His Show Who Were Sad That He Was Stuck In Yakima, WA: Joe Frice

Most Hilariously Upside-Down Show: The Closing Show at the Bagdad, where Doug Benson, Todd Barry, and Matt Braunger opened so that they could run to other shows

Simply Wonderful: Rory Scovel

Most Discussed Panel: The Humor Code, where scientific mind Myq Kaplan and Superstitious Wunderkind Pete Holmes discussed theories about what makes things funny, and Mary Mack was kept down by the Man who would not supply her with a microphone.  Because The Man is afraid of The Truth!

Person Who I Stalked At The Coffeeshop The Most: Jake Barker

People I Most Wanted To See And Did Not Manage To See (aka The Bridgetown Curse): Janeane Garofalo and Claire Titelman.
Almost Too Fun To Hang Out With:  Janine Brito

Strangest Internet Distinction: Bridgetown Comedy Festival has the odd distinction of becoming Twitter spam: bots are tweeting  “BRIDGETOWN COMEDY FESTIVAL BLOG: THE WRAP-UP” today.

Hardest-Working Behind-The-Scenes (TIE): Volunteer Coordinator Charlene Conley, Logistics Manager Rylee Newton, Hospitality Manager Helen Vank, Transportation Coordinator Amanda Pants, and Organizer and COO Andy Wood.  Thanks everybody!

A Deranged Millionaire

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I knew that Long Beach was hosting this year’s illustrious TED talks,  but I was surprised to see Deranged Millionaire John Hodgman walking up my street.

I gave him the traditional surprised, over-excited nerd HI, which he shrank from, and I later tweeted him that I didn’t mean to yell HI at him.

You might wonder: How does a Deranged Millionaire dress to blend in seamlessly with the TED populace and pass undetected?

Why, he wears a navy arctic fleece half-zip pullover. 

It’s obviously a joke on the fact that people in SoCal will bundle up like Serbian prisoners when the temperature drops below 60 degrees.