Let’s Make A Guillermo Del Toro Film!

Posted Posted in art, film, goth
guillermo del toro horror goth funny

Let’s 🎥Make A 🎬 Guillermo Del Toro Film!

What will we need?

Smoke wafting through air

Blood wafting through water

Blood wafting through air (ghost blood)

Insects

Ron Perlman

Cisterns

Specialized Metal Containers

Tools with Extensive Wear and Aging

A Fish Guy Who Loves Eggs

Mechanical toys

Intricate Clockwork

Catholic stuff

Gold/Amber colors

Stilts! stilts! stilts!

Robots Made of Clockwork Steampunk Shit

Children/Orphans/Dead Parents

Spanish Civil War

Vampires that are close to being vampires but are not really vampires, like slant rhyme vampires

Hand and Face wounds

Ghosts oh god so many beautiful ghosts

Doug Jones in a rubber suit

Eyes in places they should not be

A Jarred fetus, other mutter museum stuff

A character who was born different, with special abilities, but who would trade it all to be “normal”

Elaborate carved stone labyrinths, waiting for circuits to be connected with blood

Jackie Kashian’s Dork Forest!

Posted Posted in acting, art, Bowie, comedy, film, goth, music, podcast

jackie kashian david bowie virginia jones the dork forest labyrinth

I got to do an episode of the incredible Dork Forest Podcast with Jackie Kashian, whom I inundate with Labyrinth trivia. We also try to help her figure out the difference between David Bowie and Billy Idol.  Jackie is a legend and I love her, I love Labyrinth, and I love all of you.

Check it out: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-dork-forest/id210939624?mt=2&i=1000402149479

Breakfast Club Revisited

Posted Posted in acting, comedy, film


I have now watched Breakfast Club for my personal jillionth time. I still think it’s a movie that holds up over the years, but I have the following questions about the “Happy” ending.

1. Molly Ringwald is overjoyed to have started a relationship with a commitmentphobe alcoholic with rage problems, who screams and stabs desks with knives. Great. I don’t have to point out that every teenage girl who watches this film is in love with John Bender. Apparently, we want to spend our adult years in probation hearings and Al-Anon meetings. A girl who goes out with nerdy Brian has a life of high-end Silicon Valley condo-living ahead of her, and anyone who winds up with Andy will just watch him gain weight after he tears his ACL wrestling but continued to eat a bag of groceries at every meal.

2. Emilio Estevez winds up with a fantasist kleptomaniac pathological liar who showed up to detention because she had nothing better to do, which is like if I showed up at a prison to do time for no reason. He is also overjoyed.

2a. What, is that white shit she’s wearing supposed to be her underwear? She’s wearing frilly long johns underneath her outfit like she’s a Mormon? What is her hair tied back with, her panties?

A Henchman’s Letter

Posted Posted in comedy, film, long beach, los angeles

First of all, let me say, I’m really excited to be joining your team of henchmen.  When I saw the ad on Craigslist, I thought, this might be my path out of depression, self-destruction, and debt, and I get my own leather jumpsuit!   I’m excited about backing you up when you show up places and make big pronouncements and call for the action of the Target so that we can lure him into a trap.  I’m proud to be your muscle and your backup.  You’re a big man, and I love being a part of the operation you’re building here.   That  being said, I want to clarify your expectations of me.

1. I’m a minor character, so I’m never going to be a sureshot.

If I’m shooting at your Target, I’m never going to so much as wing him.  I’m a minor character.  I am only ever referred to as HENCHMAN #2.  I’m never gonna land anything, no matter how many hours I spend on the firing range.  If I’m lucky, I’ll accidentally shoot another henchman and he’ll yell at me for comic effect.

2. If the Target seriously hurts me, I’m going to go seek medical attention, not fight him to the death.

I’m an hourly employee.  I’m not going to risk my life on this shit.  If I’m losing blood and fighting the Target on top of a collapsing tension bridge?  I’m gonna get the fuck off the bridge and get some stitches and some painkillers and go home and watch The Voice.  

 I’m not your Mom.  I’m not motivated by superhuman loyalty or revenge.  I’m working for just over minimum wage.   I don’t even get Medical, we’re all independent contractors because Aetna would be really curious about all the claims your henchmen make for being strangled and shot and burned and bitten by sharks.  It’s not worth it.   You didn’t know I loved The Voice?  There’s a lot you don’t know about me.  Work-life balance.  Look it up.

3.  Lastly, I’m human.  I make mistakes.  When I tell you that the Target has escaped and I honestly apologize and tell you it won’t happen again, don’t tell me you know it won’t and be creepily affectionate towards me (which I LOVE, I didn’t grow up with a Dad, obviously) and then kill me.  I’m doing the best I fucking can.  Your Target is an Oxford-educated international spy in constant contact with a support network keeping track of his every move and feeding him information.  You know I didn’t even finish high school, man.

Thanks so much for reviewing this!  Now, let’s get out there and build an evil empire!

Regards, Henchman #2

Camp KP3D

Posted Posted in artsy fartsy, comedy, film, los angeles

So, I was out in the Catskills, and we made movies with our phones, and played with a dog, and sat around a campfire, and heard all about chemtrails.  Thanks to everyone.

This is the film I made about the history of the campsite, Cold Spring Lodge.

Here is a post with all our movies, they make mine make a little more sense but not much more.

Thanks to all.

Thanks go to:

Thanks to Pony for teaching me the eternal optimism of the little dog at the dinner table.
Thanks to Lisa Beth Johnson for making me want to throw up by putting tinfoil in her own mouth, and also for lending Sofiya a dance dress
Thanks to Sofiya Alexandra for being my best girl, but reminding me that Todd is always around to steal my best girl
Thanks to Brandon Vaughn for letting me know I should never take him to Brunch, and for never being more than one moment from mentioning Wolverine or Anne Rice
Thanks to Dennis DiClaudio for filming my clown obsession projected from his own brain, and for teaching me that odes to gothgirls and sea shanties should both be waltzes
Thanks to Matt Tobey for his amazing acting and joke writing.  Like, wow.
Thanks to Franky Pelvis for letting me sing A-Ha and Bowie and Pixies/JAMC with him, and letting me play his guitar when I whined about it, and in general for rocking
Thanks to Mike Wiebe for making me feel like a woman.
Thanks to Jason Roeder for teaching me to walk like a man.
Thanks to Josh Abraham for being me cameraman and wingman, and for drawing me as a drag Cruella De Vil.
Thanks to Todd Sentz for teaching me what it might be, after all
Thanks to Steve Douglass for helping me write the women’s lib porn that’s gonna set the industry on its ear.
Thanks to Ahm Seventysix for being the roommate who listens to the much cooler dead person, and for teaching me what a well-orchestrated look is.
Thanks to Darci Ratliff for your amazing work, games, Mad-Libs, organization, and for bringing us together.

THE WOLVERINE: NPR Summer Book Review

Posted Posted in comedy, film, Gothic, los angeles, women

Because this film is better than any book out this Summer, I’m going to review it for NPR as Summer Reading. Keep in mind that they did not ask me to, and if they had known that I was going to, would have asked me not to.

The Wolverine concerns itself with the big themes: heroes, loyalty, friendship, spanning the distance between cultures with sex and murder, honor, the loneliness of immortality, the natural world vs. the scientific, goth girls with swords, and giant robots.  

Logan stands in for such iconic martyrs as St. Sebastian and an adamantium-clawed Jesus, rising from his (SPOILER ALERT) death on a Terminator 2 liquid metal table to battle evil.

Films about The Wolverine are often, by their very nature, about love — its presence or absence — and this one is no exception.   The love that Wolverine shares with Jean Grey- that he loves her completely and forever, even after she has died, and despite the fact that he killed her, creates a blood-stained watermark for other romantic films to aspire to.

Also, in this film, Hugh Jackman got really, really super big, like, his head just sits on a triangle of meat that is his neck.  This is just one thing that makes it a great film for the ladies, although in Origins: Wolverine, you got to see his Wolverinis.

This is the best book you’ll never read.  The Wolverine.  Do it.

Trading Places on United Airlines

Posted Posted in comedy, film

Trading Places is a film that came out in 1983, and which I enjoyed as a child many, many (too many) times.    It is a John Landis film that was originally written for Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder, but was recast with the rising star Eddie Murphy and still-foxy Canadian Dan Aykroyd.   Anyway, this was one of my favorite films of childhood, even though I didn’t really understand it.

On my flight home from London, I chose it to watch as comfort viewing, having not seen it in probably a decade.  I was greeted with the following message from United:

This film has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit this screen and edited for content.

This is a normal thing that one generally ignores, but because Trading Places was originally 116 minutes long, it was edited in many bizarre ways in order to make it closer to 90 minutes long.

What was cut out is much of what makes the film funny, or at least, makes it very funny.  Plane talk:

1. This is not an edit, but when Eddie is acting as a disabled Vet in the beginning, he makes a Porgy and Bess joke that I never got before.

2. The first scene I noticed was missing was Winthorpe’s fireside date with Penelope, where she’s wearing a bra and panties.  Too racy for United!

3. Some of the replacement swears are pretty great.  No statement of “shit” remains, and in the Jacuzzi, “We used to fart in the tub” is replaced with “fight”, but later in the film the Dukes use the N-word.  Strange logic.

4.  The snip about what to do with Billy Ray’s clothes is gone, along with the racist quip about being from a very musical people.

5. Penelope is pretty much gone from the film. The club scene where Louis comes to borrow money is deleted when the twits sing to Aura Lee. When she picks Louis up from jail a tiny, funny exchange is gone where a homeless man comments that she has a nice purse, and she sprays perfume on his bald head while she waits.

6. Billy Ray’s party scene is gone.  This is very sad.  Not only do you get the appearance of 80’s comedy tits (I’ve been waitin’ for you, Billy Ray!), but you miss the Sylvester song “Do You Wanna Funk”.

7. Soft hands…and a manicure.  This is just one of the little establishing details that makes the movie more than a weirdly racist time piece.

8. Bo Diddley’s scene in the pawn shop is gone.  They cut Bo Diddley.  That’s dumb.

9. I never caught that the stolen crop report is Operation Strange Fruit.  Another funny jazz joke I was too young to understand.

10. “Motherfuckers” become “Moneygrabbers.”

What’s left of the film is still funny…but not as intricate, rich, and full of sidebar causal if-then happenings.

This has been an overly nerdy post that amused me to think about on my airplane ride home.