THE WOLVERINE: NPR Summer Book Review

Because this film is better than any book out this Summer, I’m going to review it for NPR as Summer Reading. Keep in mind that they did not ask me to, and if they had known that I was going to, would have asked me not to.

The Wolverine concerns itself with the big themes: heroes, loyalty, friendship, spanning the distance between cultures with sex and murder, honor, the loneliness of immortality, the natural world vs. the scientific, goth girls with swords, and giant robots.  

Logan stands in for such iconic martyrs as St. Sebastian and an adamantium-clawed Jesus, rising from his (SPOILER ALERT) death on a Terminator 2 liquid metal table to battle evil.

Films about The Wolverine are often, by their very nature, about love — its presence or absence — and this one is no exception.   The love that Wolverine shares with Jean Grey- that he loves her completely and forever, even after she has died, and despite the fact that he killed her, creates a blood-stained watermark for other romantic films to aspire to.

Also, in this film, Hugh Jackman got really, really super big, like, his head just sits on a triangle of meat that is his neck.  This is just one thing that makes it a great film for the ladies, although in Origins: Wolverine, you got to see his Wolverinis.

This is the best book you’ll never read.  The Wolverine.  Do it.

Trading Places Edited For United Airlines

Trading Places is a film that came out in 1983, which I enjoyed as a child many, many (too many) times.    It is a John Landis film that was originally written for Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder, but was recast with the rising star Eddie Murphy and still-foxy Canadian Dan Aykroyd.   Anyway, this was one of my favorite films of childhood, even though I didn’t really understand it.

On my flight home from London, I chose it to watch as comfort viewing, having not seen it in probably a decade.  I was greeted with the following message from United:

This film has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit this screen and edited for content.

This is a normal thing that one generally ignores, but because Trading Places was originally 116 minutes long, it was edited in many bizarre ways in order to make it closer to 90 minutes long.

What was cut out is much of what makes the film funny, or at least, makes it very funny.  Plane talk:

1. This is not an edit, but when Eddie is acting as a disabled Vet in the beginning, he makes a Porgy and Bess joke that I never got before.

2. The first scene I noticed was missing was Winthorpe’s fireside date with Penelope, where she’s wearing a bra and panties.  Too racy for United!

3. Some of the replacement swears are pretty great.  No statement of “shit” remains, and in the Jacuzzi, “We used to fart in the tub” is replaced with “fight”, but later in the film the Dukes use the N-word.  Strange logic.

4.  The snip about what to do with Billy Ray’s clothes is gone, along with the racist quip about being from a very musical people.

5. Penelope is pretty much gone from the film. The club scene where Louis comes to borrow money is deleted when the twits sing to Aura Lee. (Muffy is played by Jamie Curtis’ sister!) When she picks Louis up from jail a tiny, funny exchange is gone where a homeless man comments that she has a nice purse, and she sprays perfume on his bald head while she waits.

6. Billy Ray’s party scene is gone.  This is very sad.  Not only do you get the appearance of 80’s comedy tits (I’ve been waitin’ for you, Billy Ray!), but you miss the Sylvester song “Do You Wanna Funk”.

7. Soft hands…and a manicure.  This is just one of the little establishing details that makes the movie more than a weirdly racist time piece.

8. Bo Diddley’s scene in the pawn shop is gone.  They cut Bo Diddley.  That’s dumb.

9. I never caught that the stolen crop report is Operation Strange Fruit.  Another funny jazz joke I was too young to understand.

10. As Aykroyd and Murphy exit a taxi and walk up to the World Trade Center, Aykroyd says “In this building, it’s either kill or be killed.” This was evidently cut after 9/11 as being insensitive to be said twenty years before a terrorist attack.

11. However, Dan Aykroyd in blackface can’t be cut because he’s in three scenes with it, but there’s a warning before the opening credits that there’s blackface.

12. “Motherfuckers” become “Moneygrabbers.”

What’s left of the film is still funny…but not as intricate, rich, and full of sidebar causal if-then happenings.

There is an edited scene that appeared on some televised screenings to make it closer to two hours with commercials, where Clarence Beeks drugs a security guard to take crop report documents out of a safe deposit box. It does not appear in this cut, either.

This has been an overly nerdy post that amused me to think about on my airplane ride home.

Also, this is a Christmas movie.

Tommy’s Showgirl

Well, in every Halloween career there are setbacks.

I love the Who, and I love their rock opera Tommy, and I love the over-the-top 1975 film by Ken Russell, who passed away a year ago in November.  After last year’s somewhat involved costume, I thought, I’ll take a year off and do something simple:  Showgirl in a Gasmask from the opening overture in Tommy. 

The showgirls picking their way through the rubble of the Blitz were based on a memory of Russell’s from his childhood.  Getting a period-appropriate civil issue UK gasmask was easy, and when I found a rhinestone bikini while in San Diego for Comic-Con, that seemed like a “gimme.”  I bought a nude bodysuit to wear underneath and considered myself ready to go. 

I put my gear on and headed to a party on Friday, and didn’t realize until I had left the house that, bodysuit or no bodysuit, I was pretty much naked.  Much more naked than I had thought I would be,  in my mind.   Don’t get me wrong.  Naked at a party is popular.  Everyone wanted a picture with the naked lady in a gasmask.

  Everyone has a different threshhold for public nudity, but I was raised Mormon and I still have some personal boundaries-  So, I went home, took some photos to document, and am retiring this beast. 

DSC_0177

In the end, I had to have a costume for work (and one of my employees dressed as me, which was in turns adorable and insulting), and so I went for Sweet Jayne Mansfield. Her head’s off, so she stuck it back on with medical tape, and she put a necklace on over it so you can’t tell, but people can still kind of tell.

jayne

Bloodmeadow The Goth Vs. Comic-Con

And now, a special report from the Lady Bloodmeadow, our Gothixxx correspondent.

 Sunglasses by Ann-Sofie Back

Most demonic greetings.  I recently hit San Diego for the largest Comic-Con nerd-fest that has ever occurred.  I was able to drive because I have finally gotten my License back from the Pigs,  because I Promised that I would not drive with the Dead-Eye in, but I was Lying.

As I traversed through the convention, I could not help but feel that I was being watched, monitored, by a force most Sinister.

Bloodmeadow and the Terminator at Comic-Con

  I had my Photo taken many Times, although I was not dressed up as anything.  Towards the end of the day, it became Clear that Nerds were asking for my photograph so that they could approach Me and not be Hissed at.

   At One Point, I was asked to participate in a Cosplay Shot for Chris Hardwick, although I again explained I Was Not Dressed As Anything. 

Bloodmeadow and Han Solo at Comic-Con
                                                        Twinning!

The Best thing about Comic-Con was that it was held indoors, far from the punishing rays of the Sun.  The worst thing was everything else.   I was subjected to a great deal of Noise and walked through many, many hot nerd Farts.

Everyone complaining that ComicCon is not what it once was: did you know there’s still lots of small sweaty comics-only conventions? This is like complaining that we evolved from an ancestor of monkeys. There’s still monkeys!

Postscript: My last moments at my first Comic-Con were spent at a bar, where I was waiting for the idiot I had been dating at the time to show up to promote a movie he had worked on, and while I was waiting a nerd was chatting up Bloodmeadow and when she denied the opportunity to go have sex with her he BIT her hard on the upper arm, and left a giant bruise. I don’t know why people say nerd culture is toxic to women.

See also SDCC-13- Bloodmeadow Returns!

WHAT ABOUT PROM

Iona, Andi’s boss at Trax, and Duckie share a tiny prize

The Joneses had the best time evar geeking out on memorial John Hughes trivia with the lovely and talented Shan-Rock last Saturday, being quizzed about Ferris Bueller, Weird Science (a film about two young men who accidentally make a woman when all they are really looking for is web porn), Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, and Pretty in Pink. After a lifetime of wanting to be Andi from Pretty in Pink, it is clear to me now that I am her boss, Iona. Watching the film for the eleventy hundredth time, it is no longer clear to me why all the boys love Andi. She spends the whole movie either pouting or bitching. She laughs exactly once. But Iona? Applause, applause, applause! We won a tiny trophy and free drinks, which is the kind of prize we can use.