I know it’s no longer mother’s day, but I just got off the phone with my mother, whom I love to distraction. I wanted to share some of her more quotable quotes with you before they vanish into the Ether.
1. My mother asked me, “Have you heard of the Flight of the Conchords?” My fucking hipster Mother. I told her that not only was I pretty familiar with them, I had met pretty much all the supporting cast on the show, including the amazing Rhys Darby, the lovely Kristen Schaal, hilarious gents Todd Barry, Eugene Mirman, and Eddie Pepitone, and the amazingly funny and lovely Arj Barker. She is not impressed by this. She wants to meet Bret McKenzie.
2. “I found my favorite turtlenecks at Wal-Mart for a dollar!” My mother is famous for wearing a particular kind of spun poly interlock turtleneck, which usually has a scatter print on it, whether seasonal flowers, holiday holly, or spooky jack’o’lanterns! Apparently, she hit the fucking Wal-Mart turtleneck jackpot, and the things, usually priced at 7.99, were down to one dollar apiece. I posit that it’s not worth the caloric burn to put on a dollar turtleneck. I have advised her that I will title her biography “Dollar Turtlenecks: The Donna R. Story.”
3. My mother told me that wops had attacked her on her porch, and when I asked, wops? She said, sorry. Wasps.
4. The fourth and most important thing my mother told me: She has been working at an adult care home, and one of her patients was permanently physically and mentally damaged when he smoked meth that had been laced with rat poison. Apparently, six people who had smoked the batch died, but he didn’t.
My mother tells me that he is quadriplegic, and his life is over, and that I should not, under any circumstances, smoke meth. I asked her, mom did you really think I was going to start meth? She said she just wanted to be sure.