comedyfeminismVirginia Jones

The Ultimate CK Solution

In the aftermath of the NYT article on Louis CK using his position to sexually abuse women, everyone wanted to know he could come back to comedy. Of course, now we know that he just started working smaller, more right-wing clubs- ignoring this elegant proposal.

INT: A COMEDY CLUB LOBBY-NIGHT

A ticket taker sits in a glass box. Middle-aged white male comedian LOUIS enters.

LOUIS

Hi, I’m, uh. Can you call..

She wordlessly presses a button and gives him a tightlipped smile. After a moment, another middle aged white man (BERT) enters, with a twentysomething man (ADAM).

BERT

Louis! My main man! My big guy!

He and Louis hug.

LOUIS

Thank you so much, man. I really appreciate you sticking by me through this Me Too stuff. It’s been hell getting cancelled.

BERT

Well, we go back, man! Of course I want you back! Listen, I hope you got to look at the stuff I sent- it’s just for insurance purposes.

LOUIS

Believe me, I get it. Happy to sign off on whatever you need. I don’t want any problems.

BERT

That’s great to hear. This here is Adam, he’s gonna be your, we can call him a valet, and he’s gonna take care of you.

LOUIS

Nice to meet you, man.

LOUIS offers Adam his hand. Adam shakes it once, then releases it.

BERT

You guys are gonna get along great! And we’re gonna have a great weekend. Listen, tickets are a little slow tonight, but they’ll pick up tomorrow when word gets out you’re in town.

LOUIS

Sounds great, man, thanks again!

BERT

Now, Adam, don’t let this guy outta your sight! He’s our special guy!

Bert backs out of the room, waving. A moment passes.

ADAM

Okay, man. Let’s get started.

Adam produces a burlap sack, a pair of plastic bags, and some rope. He puts the sack over Louis’s head and bags his hands, securing each with rope.

ADAM (con’t.)

Let’s get you to the green room.

INT: COMEDY CLUB GREEN ROOM-NIGHT

Adam leads Louis to sit on a couch and sits next to him.

ADAM

So, I don’t know how much of that thing you read, but basically I’m not supposed to let you leave my side until you’re onstage. I will get you any food and drink you need. No alcohol, of course.

LOUIS

No problem. I just want to make it easy on everyone. I wanna have great shows and prove to everyone that I can still do this.

ADAM

Sure thing. Let me know what I can order for you. They’ll bring it here.

LOUIS

I’m good for now. How would I even eat in this thing?

ADAM

What I thought we’d do is that anything you order, we can either untie the collar and you can eat under the bag, or if you’d rather, we can liquefy it and you can eat it right through the bag.

LOUIS

Ugh. Alright.

ADAM

The main thing is that you don’t make eye contact with any women, and you’re not alone with a woman at any time on the premises.

LOUIS

I understand. So, when you take me onstage, you’ll take the bag and stuff off?

ADAM

That stuff…doesn’t come off.

INT: ONSTAGE-LATER

Louis is onstage, holding a microphone stand through his bagged hands. The audience sits silently. The women look angry.

LOUIS

Ha, ha…I can’t tell if you guys are there or not.

WOMAN HECKLER

Oh, we’re here!

ANOTHER WOMAN HECKLER

Why don’t you show us your dick now, if it’s so great?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

END