The Ultimate CK Solution

In the aftermath of the NYT article on Louis CK using his position to sexually abuse women, everyone wanted to know he could come back to comedy. Of course, now we know that he just started working smaller, more right-wing clubs- ignoring this elegant proposal.


A ticket taker sits in a glass box. Middle-aged white male comedian LOUIS enters.


Hi, I’m, uh. Can you call..

She wordlessly presses a button and gives him a tightlipped smile. After a moment, another middle aged white man (BERT) enters, with a twentysomething man (ADAM).


Louis! My main man! My big guy!

He and Louis hug.


Thank you so much, man. I really appreciate you sticking by me through this Me Too stuff. It’s been hell getting cancelled.


Well, we go back, man! Of course I want you back! Listen, I hope you got to look at the stuff I sent- it’s just for insurance purposes.


Believe me, I get it. Happy to sign off on whatever you need. I don’t want any problems.


That’s great to hear. This here is Adam, he’s gonna be your, we can call him a valet, and he’s gonna take care of you.


Nice to meet you, man.

LOUIS offers Adam his hand. Adam shakes it once, then releases it.


You guys are gonna get along great! And we’re gonna have a great weekend. Listen, tickets are a little slow tonight, but they’ll pick up tomorrow when word gets out you’re in town.


Sounds great, man, thanks again!


Now, Adam, don’t let this guy outta your sight! He’s our special guy!

Bert backs out of the room, waving. A moment passes.


Okay, man. Let’s get started.

Adam produces a burlap sack, a pair of plastic bags, and some rope. He puts the sack over Louis’s head and bags his hands, securing each with rope.

ADAM (con’t.)

Let’s get you to the green room.


Adam leads Louis to sit on a couch and sits next to him.


So, I don’t know how much of that thing you read, but basically I’m not supposed to let you leave my side until you’re onstage. I will get you any food and drink you need. No alcohol, of course.


No problem. I just want to make it easy on everyone. I wanna have great shows and prove to everyone that I can still do this.


Sure thing. Let me know what I can order for you. They’ll bring it here.


I’m good for now. How would I even eat in this thing?


What I thought we’d do is that anything you order, we can either untie the collar and you can eat under the bag, or if you’d rather, we can liquefy it and you can eat it right through the bag.


Ugh. Alright.


The main thing is that you don’t make eye contact with any women, and you’re not alone with a woman at any time on the premises.


I understand. So, when you take me onstage, you’ll take the bag and stuff off?


That stuff…doesn’t come off.


Louis is onstage, holding a microphone stand through his bagged hands. The audience sits silently. The women look angry.


Ha, ha…I can’t tell if you guys are there or not.


Oh, we’re here!


Why don’t you show us your dick now, if it’s so great?



Why Are All My Comedy Heroes Scumbags?

 This article is based on my own opinions and extrapolations from nine years performing in comedy, and many years before that of being a woman.  If it annoys you or makes you angry, I’m not surprised, but nor do I really care.

When Woody Allen married a child he helped raise, it threw us for a loop.  Some people stopped watching his films, and many of us couldn’t enjoy them without any thought of his personal life.

Nothing prepared us for the Cosby allegations, spurred on by the comments of Hannibal Burress. Yet- the stories had been circulating for years.  There couldn’t have been a more shocking division of the private and the public versions of one man.

And now we have the Louis CK story.  Like Cosby, stories about Louis had been around: in 2009, I heard the account of two female comics being forced to watch him masturbate at the Aspen comedy festival.  They were advised it was in their best interest to keep quiet, but now, it no longer sounds like a one-time poor occurrence.  And let’s be clear.  It’s no Cosby case.  It’s not serial rape.  But nor is it a kink.  He’s not getting outed for having a fun little fetish.  It’s for subjecting women to his cock who didn’t want to see it.  Why do men whose work we enjoy and respect keep letting us down?

There are a couple of forces at work here.

One is these men think women are garbage, and that women comics are even worse than that.  Cosby apologists let us know that women were liars who wanted money and all the kind of great attention you get from being a rape victim, the same happened to #yesallwomen.  So, that’s part one.

Louis CK defenders are stating that the only way women comics get ahead is by having sex with people in power.

 A male comic friend of mine let me know that if a male comic asked me to go on tour, I should assume it’s because he wanted to have sex with me, because otherwise he’d just tour with a dude, like normal.

It’s irresponsible to say all comics have mental issues or depression or emotional problems or are full-grown man-children.  However, I have friends who never dated before they did comedy, and for whom road ass is part of the payment of road work.  So, that’s part two.

If I stopped speaking with every comic who had been unfaithful to his girlfriend or wife, who’d sent unasked-for dick pics, who’d been predatory to new women comics, who’d felt entitled to sex with their female friends in comedy, who’d shit on their comedian ex onstage, who’d punched their wife, who’d tried to have sex with an unconscious friend on their couch, who’d laughed with their friends about passing women comics around like jizzrags, who’d judged women for sleeping with male comics but had never judged male comics, who’d had different women in every town before Facebook made the world transparent, I would have about five friends.

Part three is that when people get more powerful, that does not lead to being a better person.  You feel protected.  You have representation, legal and otherwise.  Why would bad behavior improve?

So, I’m sorry.  There may be other scandals involving your heroes.  They are happening because women are less-than and famous men are more-than.  I don’t know what else to tell you.  Hopefully, this gets better.  It’s not going to change without women getting angry, but guess what?  I am angry.  Hey, thanks for reading!