It’s my first time on Sam Varela and Brandie Posey’s amazing PICTURE THIS stand up comedy show, I have been paired with the amazing artist Craig Bartlett, who worked at Will Vinton and was behind Penny, from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, as well as Hey Arnold! This is gonna be a once in a lifetime comedy show!
When you submit your comedy album to Pandora, like I did with my comedy album, Gothic American, they sort your tracks into little pre-written buckets for their algorithm- and the description of the tracks from my album, Gothic American, make a nice little poem about my comedy:
An Amused Delivery
A Deadpan Delivery
A Sarcastic Delivery
A Self-Deprecating Delivery
Jokes About The Entertainment Industry
Humorously Dim-Witted Logic
A Wide Variety of Subject Matter
Liberal Political Leanings
The glorious Nina Storm had me do comedy on her Doors-named, all-woman variety show and I don’t hate this tape I got.
Growing up in Texas but *with* MTV, I quickly identified myself as a New Waver and found the lifeline for all aspirational cool kids at the time, Star Hits magazine. It was heavily influenced by its UK parent, Smash Hits, and was chock full of awesome photographs of the most important people in my life, including Duran Duran and the Cure. They called Morrissey Mozz and Madonna Madge and they had advertisements for punk clothes and rare records and everything I dreamed of.
I always wanted to be interviewed by Star Hits, and realized that if I was going to be interviewed in that style, I would need to do it myself. So, here it is.
I meet Virginia Jones in a coffeeshop near her Silverlake abode. The coffeeshop also sells perfumes that are named for alternative rock hits but cost one gazillion dollars. She is sitting on the patio, dressed head to toe in black, and drinking a Dirty Ginger, a soy milk latte with spicy ginger syrup in it. She smiles slyly and says it’s her fourth. I greet her, take off my suit jacket, brush the shaggy blond hair out of my eyes, and set up to record our chat. She says she’s sorry but she only has half an hour before she has to go do comedy in the basement of a wine shop.
Who was your first crush?
Ohhh, this is weird but it was definitely Boy George.
Yeah, I just thought he was spectacular. I still do. When I was a twelve year old, I had a poster of Culture Club on my wall that I would kiss every night before bed. When I took it down, George’s lips were clear with greasy little-kid Chapstick kisses.
What was the first record you ever bought?
The first single was Celebration by Kool and the Gang. This was about ten years after it came out, but I heard it in one of my mom’s Jazzercise classes and I had to have it.
And the first LP?
Chipmunk Punk, obviously.
Which had no punk songs, but some new wave songs and some Billy Joel. The weirdest inclusion was My Sharona, which was written about a 15 year old girl and has some semi-explicit reference to thighs, but the chipmunks DGAF.
What is your most treasured possession?
When I was living in Portland, I did a show on Christmas Day at the same karaoke bar where I did my first open mic. This is probably ten years ago. It went, as I remember, horribly, but my friend Bri Pruett, who was KJing there at the time, gave me a card that permitted me to go next to sing karaoke. That potential, the idea that I could be next, even in a bar that will one day close in a town in which I do not live, makes it one of my most prized possessions. Also, that Bri gave it to me. I’ll never cash it in. I’m perpetually next!
Do you get presents from your fans?
Yes, isn’t it weird that people give you images of yourself? But I have some awesome fan art, including a Barbie doll of me, an embroidery of my album cover, and a pen and ink rendition of me and my many interests. They are displayed proudly in my home. When I was in Portland, I used to be given a lot of weed, which I saved in a tin and forgot in my apartment when I moved.
How often do you wash your hair?
I like to wait at LEAST three days between washes. If I can stretch to four, even better. My hair is long, so every time I wash it it gets tangled and dry and is basically a hot mess. If you ever see me wearing a hat, you know it’s day four! Sorry.
If you were an animal, what would you be?
I mean, I love the idea of a three toed sloth, but that’s not really my lifestyle. I’m more like a squirrel, out there hustlin’, always starting projects and forgetting about them, and of course, looking adorable.
Ok, the last question, and this is a deep one: Where do all the lost pens in the world go?
You know, I’m glad you asked me that, because it’s something I have thought a lot about. The size and shape of pens mean that they take up space on the horizontal, but also they can slip through any hole or crevice, and we live on this earth full of holes, and which is always rotating, so if you think of the world as a big Pachinko game, and pens as the ball bearings, pens wind up:
(Flabbergasted) In the center of the earth?
Yes, precisely. And that’s what magma is made of. Melted pens. That’s what makes it so dangerous.
I effused my thanks to her as she killed her last inch of coffee and took off, yelling thanks and that she looked forward to the interview. I had to take a second to catch my breath, and, folding up her paper coffee cup into my pocket to take with me, (don’t judge me!) went home to write.
I put in for a fellowship at the Onion, and I didn’t get it, but I still think these jokes are pretty tasty!
Remote Island Discovered Where Gnarls Barkley Still Famous
Sanjaya and Zendaya Get Married, Confusing Moms Everywhere
Area Woman Posts Selfie; Hears From Every Man She Knows
Escape Room becomes Rage Room in Single Bad Afternoon
Instant Pot “Not Instant Enough” For Hungry Dad
Pet Turtle Has No Idea What’s Going On
Local Child Petitions City Council To Decriminalize Bed-Jumping
Wedding Planner’s Suicide Note References Mason Jars; Edison Bulbs
Electric Scooter Rentals Now Ask That Users Wipe Blood From Display After Use
Model Sets New Bar For Body Image: Says, “You Can Be No Wider Than This Bar”
Last Geocities Flame .Gif Burns Out
Stan Lee Cause Of Death At 95 Revealed: Taken By Thanos
Time Travel: If You Know Who Hitler Is, We Don’t Have It
So-Called “MANDELA AFFECT” Explained: People Are Morons
Last Handful of Pokemon Go! Monsters Have Crossbred Into Uncatchable Mutants
Self Driving Car Service Lasted 48 Hours Before Cars Were Used As Mobile Sex Hotels
Taylor Swift Disguises Self As Giant Bird To Avoid Paparazzi
“Reduce Vet Bills By 90%” Campaign Popularizes Pet Euthanasia Services
Area Boyfriend Sure He Needs More Katanas
Local Muskrat Never Found Muskrat Love Before Dying Muskrat Death Muskrat Alone
Salman Rushdie Wows EU Summit With New Cut, Color
Single Woman Celebrates Receipt Of One Hundredth Dick Pic
MINNEAPOLIS, MN “I don’t remember exactly why I started saving them,” said local woman Caroline Chalmers. “The first couple of times I got one, I just deleted it and tried to forget about it,” she told reporters. “But then, they I got so many that it seemed like a fun game to see how many I would get, abiding by the ground rules that I never asked for them, acknowledged their receipt, or met the men sending them.”
Sorting the images by size and color, she eventually started an x-rated Pinterest page. “Everyone likes this little fire hydrant shaped one! I don’t remember what that guy’s name was. Anyway, who knows why anyone collects anything?”
Hollywood Investors Establishing Spiderman Reboot Industry
STUDIO CITY, CA In a tremendous investment and concentration of resources, Columbia Pictures has established a separate financial entity responsible for the planning, shooting, editing and distribution of future Spiderman reboots.
Featuring a boutique spidey suit design house, a New York Brownstone soundstage, and most importantly, a stable of young men being groomed as future Spider-Men, executives were confident that they could front-load to deliver Spiderman reboots through the year 2030. An open gymnasium door revealed a gaggle of identical brown-haired thirteen year olds practicing parkour before a passing white-haired executive smiled and pulled the door closed.
Gig Economy Update: Area Woman Hired To Clean Her Own House By Husband
COLUMBUS, OH “When the app first went off, I was really confused,” said Tina Hale, a recently laid-off cocktail waitress and new You’ve Got It Maid contractor. “It’s supposed to find me cleaning work near my house, but the address looked like it *was* my house. I thought it was maybe a bug, so I wrote the support email. In just a couple hours they said nope, my husband had ordered a cleaning service.” She stood in her own living room, sizing up the job. “I guess he was trying to do something nice for me, and I guess the place got a little ragged this month, but he’s gonna pay twice to clean it what I’m gonna get paid to do it. And if he doesn’t give me five stars I’m moving out.” She then went to her closet to get her own cleaning supplies, cursing lightly under her breath as she did so.
Tips For Choosing The Right Gift
Enter their height, weight, and favorite Starburst flavor into the Amazon Gift Optimizer and let the algorithm do the rest!
Secretly collect 200 ml of their saliva to submit for DNA testing- then surprise them with a digeridoo that speaks to the aboriginal heritage they never knew they had!
Trick them into wearing a Google glass all October, then buy things their eye landed on for longer than a minute!
For Seniors: Steal prized posessions from them and give them back next Christmas, when they’re forgotten they used to have them!
Cut out one inch by one inch squares of their favorite clothing and surprise them with a cursed doll of themselves! Great for curing headaches and making love spells!