Top Five Warby Parker Rip-Off Sites
Wallaby Parka- glasses for the Australian/Oceania marker
Warbaby Parklife- glasses for Mods
Whereby Pinko- Glasses for first year college students
Warble Panko- glasses for people who like singing and Japanese food
Furby Parkay- Glasses for talking animal toys who love margarine
INT: A COMEDY CLUB LOBBY. A WOMAN SITS BEHIND A GLASS CASE. IT IS FRIDAY AT 6PM. A MAN ENTERS, VISIBLY ANXIOUS. HE’S WEARING A BLACK T-SHIRT AND JEANS, LIKE A COOL GUY, ALTHOUGH HE IS CLEARLY FIFTY.
Hi, I’m, uh. Can you call..
SHE KNOWS WHO HE IS AND PRESSES A BUTTON, THEN NODS AT HIM WITH A TIGHT LIPPED SMILE. AFTER A MOMENT, ANOTHER DOOR OPENS AND A MIDDLE-AGED MAN AND A TWENTYSOMETHING MALE WALK IN.
Tommyyyyy! My man!
(He offers Tommy a bear hug, which is accepted)
Thank you so much, man. I really appreciate you sticking by me.
Well, we go back, man! Of course I want you back! Listen, I hope you got to look at the stuff I sent- it’s just for insurance purposes
Believe me, I get it. Happy to sign off on whatever you need. I don’t want any problems.
That’s great to hear. This here is Adam, he’s gonna be your, we can call him a chaperone, and he’s gonna take care of everything you need.
Nice to meet you, man.
(Offers his hand. Adam takes it and shakes it once, then releases)
Nice to meet you.
You guys are gonna get along great! And we’re gonna have a great weekend. Listen, tickets are a little slow tonight, but they’ll pick up tomorrow when word gets out you’re in town.
Sounds great, man, thanks again!
Now, Adam, don’t let this guy outta your sight! He’s our special guy! (BERT BACKS OUT OF THE ROOM, WAVING. A MOMENT PASSES.)
OK. Let’s get started.
(ADAM produces a pair of plastic bags and slips them over TOMMY’S hands and ties his wrists together, then he takes a burlap bag and puts it over Tommy’s head.)
Let’s get you to the green room.
INT: COMEDY CLUB GREEN ROOM
Adam leads Tommy to sit on a couch. Adam sits next to him.
So, I don’t know how much of that thing you read, but basically I’m not supposed to let you leave my side until you’re onstage. I will get you any food and drink you need. No alcohol, of course.
No problem. I just want to make it easy on everyone. I wanna have great shows and prove to everyone that I can still do this.
Sure thing. Let me know what I can order for you. They’ll bring it here.
I’m good for now. So, when you take me onstage, the bag and stuff comes off?
That stuff…doesn’t come off.
CUT TO: TOMMY ONSTAGE TO A HALF-FULL ROOM IN HIS BAGGED HEAD AND HANDS, HOLDING THE MIC STAND THROUGH QUART PLASTIC BAGS AND TRYING TO TELL JOKES
1. Modern Girls- with Daphne Zuniga, Virginia Madsen, Depeche Mode and Jesus and Mary Chain on the soundtrack, a great opening scene at Bullock’s on Wilshire, great shots of Melrose when it was skeevy AF, a dramatic scene at the Mulholland fountain on Riverside, a great goth bar scene, and a great role for my friend Rick Overton.
2. Earth Girls Are Easy- with Geena Davis and HOT JEFF GOLDBLUM HOLY SHIT, the very funny Julie Brown, ANGELYNE!, Michael Mckean, and Jesus and Mary Chain and Depeche Mode on the soundtrack. NILE ROGERS soundtrack! There’s a Dennis Quaid song on the soundtrack! Small role for Rick Overton. Deeply stupid, but not as bad as you’d think (hot Jeff Goldblum)
3. Valley Girl- with hot ass Nick Cage, the Plimsouls, a scene shot in what is now the Viper Room, and songs by the Sparks and Josie Cotton. A movie about punks who listen exclusively to New Wave! Sued by Frank Zappa! Two ladies who were later in Real Genius!
“Cringeworthy” doesn’t begin to describe these breakups.By Brittany Wong
Breakups are inherently messy and awkward. You’re ending things with someone you loved — there are bound to be hiccups. One of you is probablygoing to ugly cry.
But some breakups are next-level awkward. Below, funny people share the most cringe-inducing breakups they’ve ever experienced or seen firsthand. Read ’em and weep (and just be glad they didn’t happen to you).
1. The one with the booty calls
“One thing I have learned as a rideshare driver is that if a man is getting a car in the middle of the night, is carrying suitcases but is not going to the airport, he’s done something wrong. I picked up one such dude at 5 a.m. in Silverlake, Los Angeles, and he immediately started calling and texting girls that he had been chatting with on Tinder and asking them if they wanted to ‘hang out.’ Nobody was that interested in hanging out at five on a Wednesday morning, or in fact in talking to him at all, so eventually we had to find him a hotel to move into.” ― Virginia Jones, a comedian and actress in Los Angeles
2. The one with Kenny Loggins
“One of my friends from high school was going out with this girl but had an epiphany while driving. A certain song came on the radio, and he realized he wasn’t meant to be in a relationship. When the girl asked why he was breaking up with her, he said, ‘Sorry babe, can’t be with you. “Danger Zone” opened my eyes to where I’m at in life right now.’” — Josh Womack, a co-founder and the head writer of Laugh Staff
3. The one after the first date
“I had just hit that dating sweet spot: My last boyfriend was far enough in the past that I was having a great, guiltless, tear-free time going out with people, but not so far away that I wanted another relationship. I met this guy at a bar. We’ll call him Eric. He had a guitar, and that was it for me. I’m a total sucker for the creative type. We went on a date, had great lingering eye contact, everything was going well. I remember thinking, ‘Hell yeah, I’m gonna see this dude naked tonight.’ After dinner he walked me to my car, and we started fooling around. Right when I was about to tell him to get in his car and follow me to my place, he broke the kiss and said, ‘Hey, so I think you’re great, but I’m not looking for anything serious.’ To which I replied, ‘Yeah, man, you’re fingering me in the parking lot of a karaoke bar. I’m obviously not trying to be in a relationship.’ It got real awkward, we each retreated to our cars, and I didn’t see him again.” ― Ariel Elias, a comedian in New York City
4. The one with Taco Bell and soiled sheets
“Not too long ago, I was in a place in my life where my basic integrity could be compromised for a mean guy with a beautiful dick. My stupid ass ignored a bunch of obvious red flags like him screaming at me for not using coasters or telling me that Korean was his favorite type of Asian. One night, after a ‘come to Jesus’ moment at a Taco Bell near his house, I went over to break up with him but ended up having sex instead, due to the aforementioned dick. The whole time we were having sex, I was fantasizing about how to break up with him. But then out of nowhere, he screamed, ‘Call me daddy!!’ which shocked me so much that I pooped on his white Ralph Lauren sheets. His face contorting in blind rage, I slowly backed out of his room and out of his life, forever. I’m pretty sure that’s ghosting?” ― Peter S. Kim, a comedian in Los Angeles
5. The one with the sad sandwich
“One dude I knew used to leave for work at 6 a.m. and stop by the bodega. He’d buy himself food and leave a bacon, egg and cheese for his girl, paid off, that she could pick up when she left at 7:30 a.m. It was cute. One day, I walk into the deli, and she’s mad that the counter guy was charging her, and he had to explain that her boyfriend didn’t leave it paid off. She called him and found out that their argument/breakup last night was real. She had it on speaker phone, so we all learned about the breakup together. She cried. Then we all chipped in a paid for her sandwich.” ― Gastor Almonte, a comedian in Brooklyn
6. The one with the podcast
“I broke up with my boyfriend (and talked about all of my issues with him) on my podcast. One night after the breakup, I ran into one of his friends and had sex with him in the bathroom of a bar. It wasn’t the greatest. He even pleaded at the end, ‘I can do better,’ so I also told that story on my podcast. I started dating my boyfriend again, and he listened to my podcast. He showed up to one of my comedy shows with his friend and said, ‘We both break up with you,’ and threw a drink in my face, but we were broken up.” ― Mara Marek, host of “The Happy Never After” podcast
7. The one with the sax player
“When I was in high school, I was madly in love with the baritone sax player in a band, and since I played the oboe and we were both woodwinds, it was already a love forbidden. He was very into the sax. He wouldn’t hold my hand or hug me without moving his fingers like I was a human saxophone, which I think he thought was sexy but mostly made me feel like a saxophone. He was older than me and ended up majoring in saxophone in college (a thing that you can do) and broke up with me so he’d have ‘more time to practice.’ I was completely devastated and for years thought he had cheated on me or met someone else and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Then I saw him a few years later, long after we were both over it, and he confirmed: He actually broke up with me for the saxophone. And it had worked out. He was really good at the saxophone now. Also, he had a Foghorn Leghorn tattoo by that time but didn’t care to explain it.” ― Jamie Loftus, a comedian and cartoonist in Los Angeles
8. The one on New Year’s Day
“My 2018 started out rough. I got dumped by a girl on New Year’s Day. Apparently, her resolution was to not date me this year.” ― Joshua Morrow, a comedian in Cleveland
9. The one with the ice cream
“My boyfriend came over and surprised me with Thrifty ice cream. We sat in my living room and talked for a bit before he suggested we move to my bedroom. He kept looking deeply into my eyes, and as I got up off the couch and into my wheelchair, he rubbed my ass and told me I looked pretty. We quickly moved to the bedroom and got under the covers. I moved in to kiss him, and that’s when he broke up with me. This was two days before Christmas.” ― Danielle Perez, a comedian and actress based in Los Angeles
10. The one with the dramatic fall
“This didn’t happen to me, but my friend Paula was having a fight with her boyfriend who was visiting from France and was being a stereotypical French asshole. It was New Year’s Eve, and we were all at a huge party, and he was wearing a big puffer jacket with a detachable hood. As they were arguing, I decided to help my friend and start yelling at him too. He was fed up with the two of us, but I wasn’t done with him, so as he walked away, I grabbed him by the hood, thinking I had him. I soon felt the hood detach in slow motion, snap by snap, and I fell down a small flight of stairs, hood in hand. As Paula ran to my aid, she yelled, ‘Jen! I see your vagina. Where are your panties?’ Oh, and they never spoke again.” ― Jenny Saldaña, a comedian and actress in New York City