Category: Virginia Jones

Let’s Get In The Hot Tub!

hot tub poster with Virginia Jones
It’s my third Hot Tub comedy show Monday, and I get to share the stage with awesome East Coasters like Katie Hartman and Emma Willman, as well as my SF buddy Krista Fatka and very funny Austinite MK Paulsen!
Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunholer have been hosting their favorite comedy acts for 14 years! This show is awesome and you should come see it. That’s all. Virgil at 8, doors at 7.

How To Make Comedy Equal (AND BETTER AND MORE INTERESTING)

How To Represent For Women In Comedy

(This is not an edict. This is a list of ideas that are up for consideration.)

Easy: Don’t judge friends and peers for their clothing, appearance, weight, or age. Don’t think they don’t deserve relationships, opportunities, or success because of how they look. If you hear other people criticizing your women friends for their appearance, defend them.

Harder: Don’t judge women you DISLIKE for their clothing, appearance, weight, or age. Don’t do it to strangers. Don’t do it to celebrities. If you hear other people criticizing women for their appearance, remind them that this is a tool of the patriarchy. Remember that the joke behind calling someone a Cougar or a MILF is the sheer absurdity that anyone over thirty could be sexually attractive to anyone when they’re all worn out and shit, and by extension that our looks are what we are worth.

Hardest: Don’t judge yourself for your appearance, weight, or age. Don’t think that you don’t deserve anything because of how you look. Don’t allow yourself to be treated badly. When you truly reach this level, you’ll see how we’ve all been getting less than we deserve.

Vote for Women

Easy: When you’re out at comedy shows, write down the names of women you find funny. Tell them that they are. Tell other people.

Harder: Book those women on your shows. (Still pretty easy!)

Hardest: Support shows with women, queer, trans, or other minority comics on the bill. Let the bookers know you appreciate the way they book their shows. If diverse shows put butts in seats, they will continue.

If woman-headlined shows put butts in seats, they will continue.

You don’t even need whole people at the show. Just butts.

Talk About Booking Women

Easy: When you’re booked on a comedy show and you see that you’re the only woman booked, ask the booker why. Offer to share with them your list of amazing women you’ve started writing down the names of from the last tip.

Harder: When you’re on a comedy festival with fewer than 20% women, ask why? Do they need your help promoting to women to submit next year?

Hardest: When you get booked on a TV show, and you’re on set and you see less than 20% women on the crew or staff, ask why? When you’re hired to write on a TV show and you notice you’re the only woman writer, ask why?

Don’t let men talk shit on other women. Especially if you’re new, you’ll hear men talk about women fucking their way onto shows, fucking their way into festivals. Reject this. Don’t let men tell you how other women are crazy. Don’t let them tell you that you’re the only chill one. They’re trying to pit us against each other so we continue to be divided and weak. Thanks doods!

So you can see that feminism is more than just really, really liking Beyoncé, but it’s not impossible. We can all represent for each other every day. And also Beyoncé.

The Ultimate CK Solution

In the aftermath of the NYT article on Louis CK using his position to sexually abuse women, everyone wanted to know he could come back to comedy. Of course, now we know that he just started working smaller, more right-wing clubs- ignoring this elegant proposal.

INT: A COMEDY CLUB LOBBY-NIGHT

A ticket taker sits in a glass box. Middle-aged white male comedian LOUIS enters.

LOUIS

Hi, I’m, uh. Can you call..

She wordlessly presses a button and gives him a tightlipped smile. After a moment, another middle aged white man (BERT) enters, with a twentysomething man (ADAM).

BERT

Louis! My main man! My big guy!

He and Louis hug.

LOUIS

Thank you so much, man. I really appreciate you sticking by me through this Me Too stuff. It’s been hell getting cancelled.

BERT

Well, we go back, man! Of course I want you back! Listen, I hope you got to look at the stuff I sent- it’s just for insurance purposes.

LOUIS

Believe me, I get it. Happy to sign off on whatever you need. I don’t want any problems.

BERT

That’s great to hear. This here is Adam, he’s gonna be your, we can call him a valet, and he’s gonna take care of you.

LOUIS

Nice to meet you, man.

LOUIS offers Adam his hand. Adam shakes it once, then releases it.

BERT

You guys are gonna get along great! And we’re gonna have a great weekend. Listen, tickets are a little slow tonight, but they’ll pick up tomorrow when word gets out you’re in town.

LOUIS

Sounds great, man, thanks again!

BERT

Now, Adam, don’t let this guy outta your sight! He’s our special guy!

Bert backs out of the room, waving. A moment passes.

ADAM

Okay, man. Let’s get started.

Adam produces a burlap sack, a pair of plastic bags, and some rope. He puts the sack over Louis’s head and bags his hands, securing each with rope.

ADAM (con’t.)

Let’s get you to the green room.

INT: COMEDY CLUB GREEN ROOM-NIGHT

Adam leads Louis to sit on a couch and sits next to him.

ADAM

So, I don’t know how much of that thing you read, but basically I’m not supposed to let you leave my side until you’re onstage. I will get you any food and drink you need. No alcohol, of course.

LOUIS

No problem. I just want to make it easy on everyone. I wanna have great shows and prove to everyone that I can still do this.

ADAM

Sure thing. Let me know what I can order for you. They’ll bring it here.

LOUIS

I’m good for now. How would I even eat in this thing?

ADAM

What I thought we’d do is that anything you order, we can either untie the collar and you can eat under the bag, or if you’d rather, we can liquefy it and you can eat it right through the bag.

LOUIS

Ugh. Alright.

ADAM

The main thing is that you don’t make eye contact with any women, and you’re not alone with a woman at any time on the premises.

LOUIS

I understand. So, when you take me onstage, you’ll take the bag and stuff off?

ADAM

That stuff…doesn’t come off.

INT: ONSTAGE-LATER

Louis is onstage, holding a microphone stand through his bagged hands. The audience sits silently. The women look angry.

LOUIS

Ha, ha…I can’t tell if you guys are there or not.

WOMAN HECKLER

Oh, we’re here!

ANOTHER WOMAN HECKLER

Why don’t you show us your dick now, if it’s so great?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

END

Rehashed Onion

I put in for a fellowship at the Onion, and I didn’t get it, but I still think these jokes are pretty tasty!

Headlines

Remote Island Discovered Where Gnarls Barkley Still Famous

Sanjaya and Zendaya Get Married, Confusing Moms Everywhere

Area Woman Posts Selfie;  Hears From Every Man She Knows

Escape Room becomes Rage Room in Single Bad Afternoon

Instant Pot “Not Instant Enough” For Hungry Dad

Pet Turtle Has No Idea What’s Going On

Local Child Petitions City Council To Decriminalize Bed-Jumping

Wedding Planner’s Suicide Note References Mason Jars;  Edison Bulbs

Electric Scooter Rentals Now Ask That Users Wipe Blood From Display After Use

Model Sets New Bar For Body Image: Says, “You Can Be No Wider Than This Bar”

Last Geocities Flame .Gif Burns Out

Stan Lee Cause Of Death At 95 Revealed: Taken By Thanos

Time Travel: If You Know Who Hitler Is, We Don’t Have It

So-Called “MANDELA AFFECT” Explained: People Are Morons

Last Handful of Pokemon Go! Monsters Have Crossbred Into Uncatchable Mutants

Self Driving Car Service Lasted 48 Hours Before Cars Were Used As Mobile Sex Hotels

Taylor Swift Disguises Self As Giant Bird To Avoid Paparazzi

“Reduce Vet Bills By 90%” Campaign Popularizes Pet Euthanasia Services

Area Boyfriend Sure He Needs More Katanas

Local Muskrat Never Found Muskrat Love Before Dying Muskrat Death Muskrat Alone

Salman Rushdie Wows EU Summit With New Cut, Color

News Updates

Single Woman Celebrates Receipt Of One Hundredth Dick Pic

  MINNEAPOLIS, MN  “I don’t remember exactly why I started saving them,” said local woman Caroline Chalmers.  “The first couple of times I got one, I just deleted it and tried to forget about it,” she told reporters. “But then, they I got so many that it seemed like a fun game to see how many I would get, abiding by the ground rules that I never asked for them, acknowledged their receipt, or met the men sending them.”

 Sorting the images by size and color, she eventually started an x-rated Pinterest page. “Everyone likes this little fire hydrant shaped one! I don’t remember what that guy’s name was. Anyway, who knows why anyone collects anything?”

Hollywood Investors Establishing Spiderman Reboot Industry

STUDIO CITY, CA  In a tremendous investment and concentration of resources, Columbia Pictures has established a separate financial entity responsible for the planning, shooting, editing and distribution of future Spiderman reboots.

 Featuring a boutique spidey suit design house, a New York Brownstone soundstage, and most importantly, a stable of young men being groomed as future Spider-Men, executives were confident that they could front-load to deliver Spiderman reboots through the year 2030.  An open gymnasium door revealed a gaggle of identical brown-haired thirteen year olds practicing parkour before a passing white-haired executive smiled and pulled the door closed.

Gig Economy Update: Area Woman Hired To Clean Her Own House By Husband

   COLUMBUS, OH  “When the app first went off, I was really confused,” said Tina Hale, a recently laid-off cocktail waitress and new You’ve Got It Maid contractor.  “It’s supposed to find me cleaning work near my house, but the address looked like it *was* my house. I thought it was maybe a bug, so I wrote the support email.  In just a couple hours they said nope, my husband had ordered a cleaning service.” She stood in her own living room, sizing up the job. “I guess he was trying to do something nice for me,  and I guess the place got a little ragged this month, but he’s gonna pay twice to clean it what I’m gonna get paid to do it. And if he doesn’t give me five stars I’m moving out.” She then went to her closet to get her own cleaning supplies, cursing lightly under her breath as she did so.

Tips For Choosing The Right Gift

Enter their height, weight, and favorite Starburst flavor into the Amazon Gift Optimizer and let the algorithm do the rest!

Secretly collect 200 ml of their saliva to submit for DNA testing- then surprise them with a digeridoo that speaks to the aboriginal heritage they never knew they had!

Trick them into wearing a Google glass all October, then buy things their eye landed on for longer than a minute!

For Seniors: Steal prized posessions from them and give them back next Christmas, when they’re forgotten they used to have them!

Cut out one inch by one inch squares of their favorite clothing and surprise them with a cursed doll of themselves!  Great for curing headaches and making love spells!