My Warmest Spot Gratitude!

I’m practicing spot gratitude.

Today is the 12th anniversary of my first open mike.  It was under the expert hosting of Kevin-Michael Moore at the Boiler Room in Portland, which is now a Starbucks.

Since then, I’ve been graciously given spots at lots of places by lots of people.

From backroom bars to club sets to road rooms, they’ve all given me the spots that shaped my inscrutable comic persona.

Several of these people are famous now. A few are dead. Some quit doing comedy.  But I thank all of ’em.

Jessa Reed
Susan Rice
Andy Wood
Mary Rae Kim
Rich Miller
Mike Jenkins
Adam Cozens
Nick Cobb
David Tribble
Chris Castles
Ian Karmel
Stacey Hallal

Vance Sanders
Jayk Gallagher
Aaron Ross
Mateen Stewart
Samantha Hale
Whitney Streed
Bryan Cook
Laura House
Josh Fisher
Joe Frice
Tuesday Thomas
Michelle March
Jamie Flam
Ryan Stalder
Nina Daniels
Jim Bruce
Ron Reid
Tamra Brown
Whitmer Alexander Thomas

Paige Wesley
Cameron Esposito
Christian Duguay
Jim Hamilton
Caitlin Gill
Joel Mandelkorn
Bobbie Oliver
Megan Koester
Luisa Diaz
Anna Seregina
Sam Varela
Kate Willett
Patrick Susmilch
Sofiya Alexandra
Barry Kolin
Dustin Lane
Kyle Harbert
Tristian Spillman
Vince Caldera
Peter Greyy
Gabby Tary
Alex Hooper
JoAnn Schinderle
Melissa McQueen
Jeremy Wheat
Amy Miller

Lydia Popovitch
Halie Wilson
Pat Wilson
Dax Jordan
Teddy Margas
Joe Quint
Tamra Brown
Pat Dean
Seth Lazear
Emmett Montgomery
Brendan K. O’Grady
Cornelius Peter
Nicole Blaine
Josh Filipowski
Danielle Perez
Madison Shepard
Susanna Lee Lucky-Deluxe
Ed Galvez

Christiana Morgenroth
Nicole Calasich
Jeff May
Joshy Fadem
Andy Iwancio
Brian Cox
Nadav Fleischer
Oscar Sagastume
Alexandra Karova
Jonathan Bradley Welch
Forrest Jackson
Solange Castro
Jeff Snyder
Ellory Smith
Linda Bailey Walsh
Jason Van Glass
Rebecca Leib
Mark Kikel
Mike “Wally” Walters
JC Coccoli

James Fritz
Robyn Morrison
Valerie Tosi
Greg Walloch
Josh Haness
Selene Luna
Todd Masterson
Andy Erickson
Amber Preston
Dwight Slade
Wesley Doloris
Leah Dubie
Bradley Edward
Steve Hernandez
Jim Coughlin
Ron Lynch
Matt Gubser
Andrew Holmgren
Vahé Hove
Molly Fite
Barbara Holm
Rick Taylor
Dave Rankin
Anna Hossnieh
Juan Canopii
Carmen Garrison
Leigh Anne Jasheway
Keith Wallan
Ron Osborne
Dylan Kasprzyk
Aaron Flett

Seth Milstein
Mykle Hansen
Junior High
Laura Hayden
Chuck Watkins
Dave Sirus
Lizzy Pilcher
Steve Benaquist
Paul Danke
Mike O’Connell
Ryan Conner
Jim Hegarty
Joe Manente
Brodie Kelly
Katie Low Strandberg
John Silver
Monique Madrid
David Sharp
Julia Prescott
Andy Sell
Jon Fox
Janine Brito
Sean Joyce
Tony Camin
Kevin Kataoka
Maria Shehata
Brianna Murphy
Chris Riggins

Sunah Bilsted
John Pridmore
Eman El Husseini
Brandie Posey
Olivia Haidar
Gabe Dinger
Phoebe Bottoms
Matt Lewis
Dave Child
Aubrey Jacobowitz
Merrill Davis
Meg Swertlow
Tess Barker
Erin Lampart
Adrienne Airhart
Mikey Scott
Ameen Belbahri
Josh Di Donato
Peter Pinchi
Gloria De Leon
Dante Rusciolelli
Seantos McDonald
Anthony Lopez
The Dan Cossette
Joe Starr
Erin Judge

Natasha Muse
Conrad Roth
Derrick Lemos
Cat Alvarado
Belinda Carroll
Jeff Zamaria
Lisa Best
Brady Echerer
Lee Hinton
Tobie Seth
Azealia Snail
Dan Collins
Erika Abdelatif
Matt Styner
Laurel Pear
Avery Moore
Danny Felts
Sky Grady
April Wolfe
Jay Wendell Walker
Mark Saltveit
Kevin Hyder
Jameson Gong
Christine Nichols
Charles Disney
Barry Neal
Jesse Alison
Bri Pruett

Sarah Dorfmann
Eric Yoder
Barbara Holliday
RuthAnne Haber
Kelly Chambers
Christie Nicholls Nittrouer

Meet Your New Website Designer!

My friend Pete Ellison made this great website for me one hajillion years ago, and he can make an even better one for you!

It’s a Very Vegan Christmas!

My talented best friend Pete Ellison (designer of my website, music impresario, DJ and artist- previously mentioned here, here, and here, and here and here!)  has made this adorable t-shirt, suitable for you or your vegan/vegetabletarian friends and family!

  It’s available in yellow, green, or blue, and is hand-printed in Pete’s home studio in soft, eco-friendly waterbased inks.  I like this tee especially because it doesn’t have the “and you’re a dick” subtext of a lot of veggie tees, it’s just a fun burger that loves you and wants to be eaten, because everyone knows that tofu is a very masochistic food.  Click HERE to order!

This first run is limited to 75 pieces!  You’ll be wearing the only tofu burger tee in the whole vegan grocery/yoga class/tall bike ride/waterpark/DJ night/transgender dance party/coffee bean tasting/hula hoop class/laundromat dance party/bear bowling event!

Alt Resume

I am close to taking my Summer Sabbatical, which is not really what it is, but it makes my Mom feel better when I say “I’m Taking A Sabbatical” instead of “I’m quitting my job and hanging out all Summer”.  I thought it was time to get my list of “OTHER” skills together and post them on the Internet.

If you feel like you read a slightly different but kind of the same list as this one, it’s because my site was hacked and my service restored from last week’s restore point and I lost it.  It’s because SOMEONE was very jealous of my 70 hits a day.  Eat it, haters!

1. Pit Toilets: I’m very good at using pit toilets in Asia.  You just have to pretend you’re camping, which you kind of are.

2. Sleeping on Airplanes: Also work related.  I can sleep bolt upright on a red eye to Turkey and emerge as fresh and ready as if I had slept in a garbage- filled car.

3.  Tap Dancing.  I’m not the world’s best tap dancer (SAVION GLOVER, because we can really only have one famous tap dancer at a time), but it’s the skill that took the most time and expense to learn, and which has the lowest street value.  I’m considering trying to make people pay me NOT to do it.

4.  Bemani.  It’s no longer fashionable but I can totally do it- I get more points for style than accuracy on Dance, Dance, Revolution, but Karaoke Revolution is my bitch.

5. For that matter, I can lead in six count swing, and I can lead about five things in Lindy hop- I’m a good Lindy follow- I like a lot of dances.

6.  I can make dance parties happen.  I can make people do it.  At karaoke, at coffeeshops- most of the time.

7.  Karaoke.  I’m good at it.  I don’t have the most amazing American Idol style voice, but I know my range and I will perform the SHIT out of a song.  I like to work a crowd.  When I do it in Hong Kong they are upset with the dancing and eye contact.

8.  Comedy.  I do it for money and for free.  Mostly for free.  Don’t ask me to tell you a joke, I’ll make you laugh, m-f.  Just you wait.

9.  I can draw- I haven’t for around five-seven years, but I probably still can, right?  I’m sure I can.  I have an art degree.  I can blind contour the shit out of something.

10.  According to the Munsell test of Color Acuity, I am a Superior Color Discriminator.  I will discriminate the shit out of your color.  I need a lab coat and a light box with a true North setting.  But I will do it.

11.  I can make patterns and sew.  Again, I usually don’t.   But I can make seriously obscure and fucked up Halloween costumes!

12.  Goth Makeup and Fantasy Make up!  I have an airbrush and I’m  not scared to use it, including airbrushing a fake tattoo on you!

13.  I’m really good at telling long, involved, interconnected stories to people on acid.  I can be on acid or not, it doesn’t matter.

14.  I can tell a fake art history lecture at the drop of a hat, especially if the hat is from a particularly evocative period

15.  I’m really good at making one kind of vegan chocolate chip cookies.  Just one kind.

16.   I’m really good at maintaining a blog for 8 years that only my mother consistently reads!

17.  If I had just bought my first guitar, I would be a crazy natural guitar playing genius- however, I have had my own guitar for a decade, and play it occasionally.  I’m mediocre, but proud!

18.  I’m really good at steering an oversized Costco shopping cart with my elbows while eating free BBQ nuts.

19.  I’m a good trivia team member- I don’t know that much about television or sports, but I’m very good at arbitration to try to determine the likeliest answer.  Also, I like to win but I don’t care if I do.

20.  I’m really good at running a White Elephant party.  I will whip the crowd into a frenzy over Scratch tickets and a rubber garden gnome.  Blood will flow!

21.  Despite all the above, I’m really good at not going to Burning Man!  I haven’t gone every year it’s happened!  Consecutively!

With this kind of skill set, I’m gonna destroy this job market!


Ladies and Gentlemen, Start your Freakout.

The 6th Annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival has announced its performer’s roster, and it is a doozy.

Headlining the show will be the incomparable genius Dana Gould, the incredible musician/comedian/charisma generator Reggie Watts, and the amazing Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz, responsible for the world’s best science show, Look Around You. 

You may know Peter from Shaun of the Dead, or if you’re a little nerdy, the story of how John Lennon invented the Apple Ipod, The BeatleBox, or if you’re really beyond help, you’ll know him as the voice of Darth Maul.

Founding Father Matt Braunger is back, after another year of great shows, and an incredible hit film on Vine, “This is Ridiculous, Poor Pickles”, starring a bulldog being carried around like a sack of potatoes while Kyle Kinane yells in the background.  Well, it was a hit with me.

Howard Kremer will astound you with his magic.  Not literal magic, but comedy magic.  He doesn’t do actual magic, because he’s not an a-hole.

Personal Hero Laura Kightlinger is on board, who has been funny and hot since it was fucking INVENTED.

Baron Vaughn talks faster than anyone can think.  He is mind-melting.

Guy Branum is a GENIUS on the stage and a SHOWGIRL on the dance floor and a A LADY in the bedroom.

Kurt Braunohler is a very funny gentleman who’s only been in LA long enough to do one juice cleanse.

Eliza Skinner is smart and talented and my god she makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. 

Bridgetown is excited and charmed to welcome back the amazing Todd Glass!  We’ve missed him to PIECES!

Matt Kirschen came to us on Last Comic Standing, and will bring some more hi-larious international flavor.

Andy Haynes just got married to co-attendee Alice Wetterlund, let’s see if they’re still funny.  They probably are.

Brandie Posey is back to kick ass, she’s a hilarious comic in El Lay, which we call Los Angeles, because we live there and stuff.

Robert Buscemi spends so much time telling me how funny he is, some of it has just got to be true.

Dave McDonough is a deadpan freak whom I had the honor of hauling around in my 96 Jetta when we competed in the Seattle International Comedy Competition together.

The Amazing Cameron Esposito is funny and charming and has amazing hair.

Stacey Hallal is a funny lady and we have been arguing about whether or not improv is funny for, like, four years.

Xander Deveaux is having his Bridgetown premiere, and he is very funny and will do the debutante bow thing where his forehead touches the floor. (postscript: he wound up being a very screwed up addict who attacked some persons and is persona non grata)

I’m honored and excited to be at my 6th Bridgetown!

A Very Gothixxx New Year

Bloodmeadow and Helfire compare notes from the holidays, answer viewer questions, and look forward to a spooky new year!