Let’s Talk About Sex

Posted Posted in love and dating, women

Men and women have more trouble communicating now than ever, and one of the things we don’t communicate well on is sex. I was raised to believe that if a man wanted to have sex with you, it was because he was trying to express his undying love and admiration for you and was tottering, like a newborn baby deer, towards a lasting relationship.


This has not always been the case.


Here are some of my theories about why we believe men have sex versus possible reasons why they do.
Of COURSE these are not all the reasons. I’m sure there’s a million! Here’s a start.

Reason Women Believe Men Will Have Sex:

To deepen intimacy and lay the groundwork for a serious relationship

Reasons Men Will Have Sex:

To deepen intimacy and lay the groundwork for a serious relationship
To thank someone for a pretty good sandwich

Running a bit short on cardio today
Because they need someplace to sleep
To annoy their friend
Had 15 minutes free
Condoms about to expire
Put off decision about where to have breakfast
To be polite
Because they’re hoping you’ll make them a sandwich later
Don’t want to talk about the Mandalorian anymore
They knew you in college
They knew you in high school
They knew you
They thought they knew you but they were actually thinking of someone else
You remind them of a girl they had a crush on forever, except she looked totally different and had a different personality, they’re actually not sure why you remind them of Candace particularly
To win a bet
To lose a bet
They like your band
You like their band
You like the same band
You both like bands
Hoping you’ll come see their band
Bar was closing
Restaurant needed the table
They liked your t-shirt
You liked their t-shirt
They quoted Napoleon Dynamite and you laughed and they appreciated it
Because you did a great job at bar trivia
They were hitting on your friend but it didn’t work out
They’re hoping you’ll listen to their podcast
They’re hoping to get booked on your podcast
They appreciated your giving them the last beer
Because someone said they couldn’t

Venmo Me Dat Azz: From Love TV

Posted Posted in love and dating, women

Or, Places Where Men Will Hit On You On The Internet

If necessity is the mother of invention, men are the inventors of using non-dating sites to meet women.  It’s been happening since the first terminal user logged into a message board to ask A/S/L (age/sex/location, young people).

Here’s some stories about creative ways men are connecting today!

You can get hit on from social platforms because strange men think the tiny photo of you is cute, or, let’s face it, they just get it in their head that you’re a woman at all.  These picks are slightly off the beaten path, and a reminder to men everywhere- the world is your Tinder, just just gotta learn how to swipe!

Twitter:

Every couple of days, a dude will direct message me and say “Hi” or “Hello.”  Has this ever led to sex, in the history of the world? I don’t know. I don’t think so, but if it was Chris Evans writing, I might change my tune.

Facebook Business Page:

I made a promotional page for myself (check it out, readers!) and got a creepy message asking that I tell the stranger on the other end “all about myself,” which was funny because that is literally what the page is.  I ignored it for a few days, and then Facebook started nudging me to “keep my response rate up” by answering all queries to the page within two days. Finally, I wrote, “Hi! I’m Jack, Virginia’s manager. Thank you for your interest in her career!  This page posts shows, podcasts, and other promotional info!” No response.

Instagram:

As creepy Facebook friends abate, Insta creeps abound!  It took me a long time to find the little paper airplane that was my message inbox, but when I did I was rewarded with compliments from many randos, followed by some furious insults when I didn’t respond to those same randos.

Social Network Of African American woman

Couchsurfing:

A foreign friend was looking for cheap places to stay in the states, and strangers on Couchsurfing kept offering her “fun weekends”.  I explained to her that these men thought she was maybe going to exchange sex for a place to sleep. She said, “But no women have offered me a space.”  She finally messaged back and forth with a man who didn’t overtly proposition her, but the day before her trip he said that he gave great massages, and ultimately she had to book an airbnb.

Words with Friends:

I was playing with a stranger, and he wrote that my profile pic was beautiful and asked where did I live.  I told him it doesn’t matter where I live, I’m not looking to meet people on Words with Friends. I’m here to play some Scrabble.   He ended the game, and I changed my profile picture to a friendly-looking dog. I still love Scrabble.

LinkedIn:

My sister was job hunting, and a man in her field sent her a message saying that they should meet for coffee and discuss her goals.  She thought this sounded great and they made a plan. The day before their appointment, he offered to take her to dinner instead, and named an expensive restaurant in New York.  She said she’d rather have coffee, to which he offered an introduction to an executive in her field. She looked up his Facebook profile and responded that perhaps he’d like to bring his wife to the dinner, and used her name.  See? Facebook is still good for something.

Yelp:

My friend Lizzie told me, “On my way to work every day, I passed a massage parlor that seemed to be open all hours and looked suspect.  I was very naive, and thought I would post a question about the business on Yelp. Did men really get full service at these places? Men told me.  Boy oh boy did they want to tell me all about it. They wanted to know if I’d like to meet and discuss it. That was ten years ago. I still sometimes get messages about it.”

Smartphone app woman texting

Ebay:

I was selling some used Adidas Gazelles on Ebay, they were worn but in good shape.   I got some messages, as ever, about shipping and auction dates, and then I got one about the wear of the shoes and what I had used them for.  I was happy to reply. The writer asked if I was a cheerleader, and if I ever wore the shoes without socks, if I had ever gotten the liners sweaty, if I could send them pictures of me in the shoes.  I wrote back and said sorry, I’m just a regular lady and didn’t need to talk to foot fetishists too much, buy the shoes or don’t. That person never bid on them, and they sold to a kid in Kansas.

Lyft:

If you’re interested in dating your rideshare driver, the best thing to do is to go home and write it in a notebook and bury that notebook in the woods.  Don’t turn in a fake lost item report and ask them out. That’s creepy and it’s a disturbingly popular go-to. Just go out and meet people!

Venmo:

My friend Amy told me she liked stalking friend’s burgeoning relationships on Venmo.  If people are constantly paying each other for beers and pizza, she knew that they were probably dating.  Sure, you CAN change the settings to private, but few people bother. However, she didn’t reckon that some people would follow it so closely that they would notice when her recent ex was buying a new girl pizza, and that she started getting dm’s from men she knew slightly asking if she was ok, and if she’d like to meet and talk- over pizza.

Do all men do this?  Of course not. But in an app-driven world, some people are ALWAYS looking for a special connection along with their food delivery, movie ticket purchase or money exchange!

Notes from my Final Bachelorette- Republished from LOVE.TV

Posted Posted in costume, love and dating, travel

How We Prepared Emma For The Adventure Of Marriage

Meeting The Crew  

My baby sister Emma is getting married, and we meet up in New Orleans to celebrate.  Her bachelorettes are a combination of big-city career women and her high-school friends, and of course her two sisters, who have already been married and divorced, but are trying to maintain a good attitude.  We’ve got single people, people in long term relationships, and lots of married women. Lots of advice, lots of perspectives.

Joni got married early and dotes on her two adorable kidlets.  She doesn’t always know about internet slang, memes, who’s president, or other minor trivia.  She’s a busy lady.

Amanda is a corporate woman, also with two small kids, who has just relocated to the midwest with her family.   

Sadie, our other sister,  is divorced with a kid. She’s looking for Mr. Right and has been frustrated with the men she meets on dating sites.

I’m divorced, childless, and happy about it.  I disliked being married and won’t seek it again.

Asha is desperately beautiful, partnered, and a doctor.  She’s seriously intimidating.

Marie is European, never married, and sometimes seems a touch naive.

“It’s not going to be one of those embarrassing Bachelorettes” we say to one another.

“We’re not going to have penis necklaces and straws.  We are sophisticated people. We went to college. We like art.  We’re not going to be basic.”

When we say it, we mean it.  

My sister is getting married to a lovely man.  I’m very happy for her. Men she has dated before have been toxic or distant.  This man is loving, handy, and seems to take real pleasure in making projects for her.  He is kind and smart and I am so excited to have him in my family.

The Adventure Begins

We start the first day with a fancy breakfast and doting waitstaff.  We are offered $24 bottomless mimosas, but we giggle and stick to tea.  My sister is wearing all white and a veil, which she assures us she will be wearing all weekend.

Marie points out that in Europe, the bachelorette party is called a Hen Night. Because so many of us are married and divorced, I identify more with Hen Night than Bachelorette, just busty busybody chickens clucking around.  Joni asks if the bachelors have a Cock Night. This is very funny of Joni until I realize she didn’t mean it to be. Marie says no, in Europe the men have Stag Night, and then, I guess, a chicken and a buck get married.  

bachelorette party

We break for after-brunch drinks.  We explain to Joni that sometimes people pee on each other in bed, and that eggplants are emoji for penises.  Sadie is swiping idly through her Tinder matches, explaining that her only demands are that the applicants have hair and don’t demand NSA hookups.  We explain to Joni what NSA hookups are. Marie wants to stop on the pictures with taut, hairless abs, but I tell her that if a guy leads with his abs, he’ll show them to everyone.  I want to swipe right on a cute artist named Will but Sadie stops me. “He doesn’t have a job and he doesn’t have a kid. I know that right now.” She dismisses him. I keep trying to tell her that, as we move into our fourth decade on earth, she might have to be flexible on hair.  “Nothing doing”, Sadie says. “I’m not matching with a bald POS like my ex-husband.” She tells us that, hilariously, he blamed her for his hair loss. “Look”, he said, “I wasn’t balding when we met.” I laugh, but I’m also sad.

We have a day of bachelorette adventure.  We drink terrible drinks. We dance to jazz bands.  Our bride is congratulated, over and over. We beam with pride. We drink. We take a ghost tour. We drink. We see a psychic, and drink.

We compare our psychic readings.  Asha has been told she’s very lustful, and not apologetic about it.  She agrees 100%. She enjoys sex, and resents how her mother talked to her about sex, that it was something men always wanted and that women never wanted, but which had to occasionally be tolerated. She has a healthy sex drive but spent most of her young adulthood feeling ashamed.

Sadie was told that, after a terrible marriage and some disappointing dating, she is still too angry to successfully partner with a new person, that she is a teflon pan on which no-one can find purchase.  

Emma’s reading is exciting and rosy, about her new role as wife and her new life.

My reading is mostly about career and goals, but at one moment the psychic cocks her head and asks, and you’re seeing someone?  And I say yes, and she says, and it’s good, and I agree, it is. It may seem like faint praise, but it is good, and I’m grateful.

Yelling At Clowns

The second morning, we head to the famous Cafe Du Monde for coffee and beignets.  A colorfully dressed clown crows when he sees my sister’s veil and he starts making her a penis crown out of balloons.  It is almost pornographic in its detail. This is not his first penis crown. We refuse it. “This,” I tell him, “is not that kind of bachelorette.  We are not interested in being covered in penises.” He spreads his hands and pretends to be offended. “And besides,” I continue playfully, “all penises are pretty much the same.  They don’t matter.” The clown angrily starts listing types of penises. “They can be big! Small! Curved! Straight!” We are grateful to be seated and get away from the clown yelling about penises.

I think we try to simplify down to penises because love itself is so scary and full of unknowns.  People can change, their goals and life veer away from each other, they can fall in love with other people or just out of love with each other, so we like to simplify it.  Penises it is. I get up to go to the bathroom and when I get back, my sister is wearing a penis crown. It has been given to her by a stranger. As we eat our beignets, we explain to Joni the concept of polyamory.  “Is that”, she asks, “legal?” We assure her that it is. What she’s thinking of is polygamy. If you don’t marry everyone, we tell her, you can sleep with as many people as you want. She smiles and shakes her head.

Girls Party. Beautiful Women Friends Having Fun At Bachelorette

SAME PENIS FOREVER

That afternoon,  we have a lingerie shower.  Suddenly, there are penis straws and a penis pinata and a sign that reads “SAME PENIS FOREVER.”  Where did all the penises come from? No-one knows.

My sister opens all her fancy underwear and we laugh and clap.

I ask the room for marriage advice for Emma.

Joni offers, “always give him a blowie on his birthday.”  I raise my eyebrows at the idea of an annual blowjob.

Asha protests.  “What if”, she asks, “ you really like giving them?”

Joni blushes and says, “Oh, I guess you could do more!  Just- not less.”

I tell Emma that you should always support each other.  You should always try to give them the best of your time and attention.  This, because it is not about sex, is boring the room. I also give them my Dad’s advice to me, which was never to do a chore that you don’t want to do for the rest of your life.  On some level, your spouse is a roommate that you hope will never move out.

Sadie says that although Emma has been distracted by the wedding, that’s just a fun party.  The thing to concentrate on is the marriage, that’s the long term project that will shape her life and her partner’s life.  Emma nods and smiles but doesn’t really seem to take it in. Sadie and I laugh together because this is the best advice she got on her wedding day, but didn’t recognize until years later.  Weddings are a lot of noise and dresses and expense, maybe to distract you from the profundity of sealing your life to another person.

Amanda offers that you should marry your best friend.  This is simple but profound. We all nod. Beauty fades and they lose their hair, but when you really like each other, you’ll get through the hard parts.  

“There is no long relationship”, I say, “Without hard work.  Everyone has to work. The idea that your relationship will be good without work is the biggest lie of all.”  Joni agrees and says, “it’s weird, all the movies end with the couple getting married and nobody wants to talk about what happens after that, which is the rest of your life.”  “That’s true”, interjects Sadie- “if a couple is married at the beginning of the movie, they’ll either split up and get back together, or split up and meet other people, or one of them is going to get kidnapped or die.  There is nothing interesting to Hollywood about a successful marriage.” After all of our deep thoughts on partnership, we’re ready to go out.

By the end of the second day, I am wearing a themed bachelorette t-shirt, a sash, and a light-up twinkly flower crown.  I now understand how dogs feel when we dress them up for Halloween.

We are walking up and down Frenchman street, being congratulated by fellow celebrants.  I get away from my sisters for a moment and rejoin them in a bar moments later.

bachelorette party

“Where”, my sister asks, “is your crown?”  
“I don’t know”, I tell them, but I do know.  It’s in the trash can outside.

We go sing karaoke, taking over a small room.  We sing all the songs about what we want from marriage, “Respect” by Aretha Franklin, “I Will Always Love You” sung by Whitney Houston, and Joni sings “Goodbye, Earl” by the Dixie Chicks, about friends getting together to murder an abusive husband.   I am not sure this is what we want for wedding wishes, but that’s what we’ve got. We go to a late night dance party hosted by one of the parade Krewes and have a great time before heading back to the hotel, picking our way through the streets strewn with beads and beer cups.

The last morning of the trip, I spend some quiet time with Sadie.  We talk about what we’ve learned from our marriages, and how we wish we could give Emma everything we know.  We love her and we love her intended, and that has to be enough. We separate, hugging and crying, to see each other in our matching gowns in a month.

10 Breakup Horror Stories From Comedians You Can’t Help But Laugh At- reposted from The Huffington Post

Posted Posted in love and dating

RELATIONSHIPS

“Cringeworthy” doesn’t begin to describe these breakups.By Brittany Wong

12/28/2018 04:20pm ET | Updated a day ago

You would scream too if these stories happened to you.

Breakups are inherently messy and awkward. You’re ending things with someone you loved — there are bound to be hiccups. One of you is probablygoing to ugly cry.

But some breakups are next-level awkward. Below, funny people share the most cringe-inducing breakups they’ve ever experienced or seen firsthand. Read ’em and weep (and just be glad they didn’t happen to you).

1. The one with the booty calls

“One thing I have learned as a rideshare driver is that if a man is getting a car in the middle of the night, is carrying suitcases but is not going to the airport, he’s done something wrong. I picked up one such dude at 5 a.m. in Silverlake, Los Angeles, and he immediately started calling and texting girls that he had been chatting with on Tinder and asking them if they wanted to ‘hang out.’ Nobody was that interested in hanging out at five on a Wednesday morning, or in fact in talking to him at all, so eventually we had to find him a hotel to move into.” ― Virginia Jones, a comedian and actress in Los Angeles

2. The one with Kenny Loggins

“One of my friends from high school was going out with this girl but had an epiphany while driving. A certain song came on the radio, and he realized he wasn’t meant to be in a relationship. When the girl asked why he was breaking up with her, he said, ‘Sorry babe, can’t be with you. “Danger Zone” opened my eyes to where I’m at in life right now.’” — Josh Womack, a co-founder and the head writer of Laugh Staff

3. The one after the first date

“I had just hit that dating sweet spot: My last boyfriend was far enough in the past that I was having a great, guiltless, tear-free time going out with people, but not so far away that I wanted another relationship. I met this guy at a bar. We’ll call him Eric. He had a guitar, and that was it for me. I’m a total sucker for the creative type. We went on a date, had great lingering eye contact, everything was going well. I remember thinking, ‘Hell yeah, I’m gonna see this dude naked tonight.’ After dinner he walked me to my car, and we started fooling around. Right when I was about to tell him to get in his car and follow me to my place, he broke the kiss and said, ‘Hey, so I think you’re great, but I’m not looking for anything serious.’ To which I replied, ‘Yeah, man, you’re fingering me in the parking lot of a karaoke bar. I’m obviously not trying to be in a relationship.’ It got real awkward, we each retreated to our cars, and I didn’t see him again.” ― Ariel Elias, a comedian in New York City

4. The one with Taco Bell and soiled sheets

“Not too long ago, I was in a place in my life where my basic integrity could be compromised for a mean guy with a beautiful dick. My stupid ass ignored a bunch of obvious red flags like him screaming at me for not using coasters or telling me that Korean was his favorite type of Asian. One night, after a ‘come to Jesus’ moment at a Taco Bell near his house, I went over to break up with him but ended up having sex instead, due to the aforementioned dick. The whole time we were having sex, I was fantasizing about how to break up with him. But then out of nowhere, he screamed, ‘Call me daddy!!’ which shocked me so much that I pooped on his white Ralph Lauren sheets. His face contorting in blind rage, I slowly backed out of his room and out of his life, forever. I’m pretty sure that’s ghosting?” ― Peter S. Kim, a comedian in Los Angeles

5. The one with the sad sandwich

“One dude I knew used to leave for work at 6 a.m. and stop by the bodega. He’d buy himself food and leave a bacon, egg and cheese for his girl, paid off, that she could pick up when she left at 7:30 a.m. It was cute. One day, I walk into the deli, and she’s mad that the counter guy was charging her, and he had to explain that her boyfriend didn’t leave it paid off. She called him and found out that their argument/breakup last night was real. She had it on speaker phone, so we all learned about the breakup together. She cried. Then we all chipped in a paid for her sandwich.” ― Gastor Almonte, a comedian in Brooklyn

6. The one with the podcast

“I broke up with my boyfriend (and talked about all of my issues with him) on my podcast. One night after the breakup, I ran into one of his friends and had sex with him in the bathroom of a bar. It wasn’t the greatest. He even pleaded at the end, ‘I can do better,’ so I also told that story on my podcast. I started dating my boyfriend again, and he listened to my podcast. He showed up to one of my comedy shows with his friend and said, ‘We both break up with you,’ and threw a drink in my face, but we were broken up.” ― Mara Marek, host of “The Happy Never After” podcast

7. The one with the sax player

“When I was in high school, I was madly in love with the baritone sax player in a band, and since I played the oboe and we were both woodwinds, it was already a love forbidden. He was very into the sax. He wouldn’t hold my hand or hug me without moving his fingers like I was a human saxophone, which I think he thought was sexy but mostly made me feel like a saxophone. He was older than me and ended up majoring in saxophone in college (a thing that you can do) and broke up with me so he’d have ‘more time to practice.’ I was completely devastated and for years thought he had cheated on me or met someone else and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Then I saw him a few years later, long after we were both over it, and he confirmed: He actually broke up with me for the saxophone. And it had worked out. He was really good at the saxophone now. Also, he had a Foghorn Leghorn tattoo by that time but didn’t care to explain it.” ― Jamie Loftus, a comedian and cartoonist in Los Angeles

8. The one on New Year’s Day

“My 2018 started out rough. I got dumped by a girl on New Year’s Day. Apparently, her resolution was to not date me this year.” ― Joshua Morrow, a comedian in Cleveland

9. The one with the ice cream

“My boyfriend came over and surprised me with Thrifty ice cream. We sat in my living room and talked for a bit before he suggested we move to my bedroom. He kept looking deeply into my eyes, and as I got up off the couch and into my wheelchair, he rubbed my ass and told me I looked pretty. We quickly moved to the bedroom and got under the covers. I moved in to kiss him, and that’s when he broke up with me. This was two days before Christmas.” ― Danielle Perez, a comedian and actress based in Los Angeles

10. The one with the dramatic fall

“This didn’t happen to me, but my friend Paula was having a fight with her boyfriend who was visiting from France and was being a stereotypical French asshole. It was New Year’s Eve, and we were all at a huge party, and he was wearing a big puffer jacket with a detachable hood. As they were arguing, I decided to help my friend and start yelling at him too. He was fed up with the two of us, but I wasn’t done with him, so as he walked away, I grabbed him by the hood, thinking I had him. I soon felt the hood detach in slow motion, snap by snap, and I fell down a small flight of stairs, hood in hand. As Paula ran to my aid, she yelled, ‘Jen! I see your vagina. Where are your panties?’ Oh, and they never spoke again.” ― Jenny Saldaña, a comedian and actress in New York City

Modern Dating

Posted Posted in comedy, love and dating

It’s Springtime, when the sun comes out and we start to notice that other people look great and we’d like to pursue dating them!

Gone are the simple days of passing a school friend a note that reads, “Do you like me check YES or NO” and waiting, slowly sipping chocolate milk in what you hope is a cool way, for the response to come back.

We are older and more complicated and have more requirements, preferences, and food allergies at play, so I hereby submit this updated dating tool.  It is my recommendation that both parties circle the number that best demonstrates their feelings for the other,  and that anything within the same three data points could be reasonably attempted as a relationship, i.e. if one member scores 10 and one scores 8, that is still in spitting distance of a happy pairing for at least one of you!  Good luck and enjoy Spring!

Will You Go Out With Me?

  1. No. Not if you were the last human alive.
  2. Maybe, if you were the last human alive.
  3. Maybe-If we were down to the last thirty humans alive and you had managed to retain all of your limbs.
  4. Maybe. I used to have a crush on you, years ago, until I found out you were dating someone I find repugnant, and also far too young.
  5. Maybe, if I don’t get any better offers in the next couple of weeks.
  6. Maybe, because you’re the most attractive person on this bus.
  7.  Maybe- I could give it a shot if you tried hard enough.
  8. Yes, if you will support me through multiple sudden career changes.
  9. Yes, if you live within two miles, or three subway stops of me.  (No connections)
  10. Yes, until you get sick, or something
  11. Yes, if I am allowed to date other people and you are not allowed to.
  12. Yes, unless you require me to change or compromise on anything ever.
  13. Yes, if you are open to experimenting with monogamy together.
  14.  Yes, if you can reliably open difficult jars.
  15. Yes, if I am allowed to review your audio books, favorite podcasts, Netflix cue and Spotify playlists to determine compatibility.
  16. Yes, if we can have the right kind of dog together.
  17. Yes, if you promise never to be honest with me about any shortcomings you may perceive.
  18. Yes. I think of you often, and fondly. 
  19. Yes, I have often wondered if it would be nice to kiss you.  I am very interested.
  20. Yes.  A thousand times yes.  You’re all I think about, and no other human being makes me feel the way that you do.  I have dreamt of this moment.  Thank you.

From Love.Tv: The Unicorn Charmer

Posted Posted in feminism, love and dating
Hi, my name is Virginia Jones and I’m a comedian and writer. I made a girlfriend six years ago who was beautiful and smart and kind and fun to be with, and at one point she told me she was a still a virgin in her late 20s, and I was pretty surprised. In the years since we met, she has transitioned into non-virginity, and she agreed to sit down and talk with me about it. Historically, virginity has been so important in religion, in vampire lore, and in marriage, but now it doesn’t seem as significant, and I wondered what her thoughts were on the topic. In this interview, I’m calling myself by my initials, VJ, and I’m calling her Unicorn Charmer, because in Medieval times it was said that a unicorn would only lay his head in a virgin’s lap.

 

VJ: At what age did you lose your virginity?
UC: I was 30. When did you lose yours?
VJ: I was 15, which at the time I felt was ancient and now I am totally grossed out by. When I see 15 year olds, I think, well, these are children.
UC: Oh myyyy.
VJ: How many partners have you had since then?
UC: I’ve had five sex partners — spread out over the past five years. Two long-term boyfriends, three shorter term. You?
VJ: Some multiple of that. Have you ever had a one night stand?
UC: I tried to have one in Europe with a sexy European man, but he kept in touch and it became an affair that kept going for a while — so I still haven’t successfully had one. I guess I maybe had one with someone I had been in love with forever — but that feels more like a continuation of our friendship. Once I had sex for the first time, he was someone I wanted to circle back and have sex with.
VJ: What was the original motivation for keeping your virginity, and did that change?
UC: I was raised in a very conservative Baptist household and was definitely taught that sex was for married people, and lots of scary stuff about STDs. When a boy first kissed me, I was quite sure I had AIDS. I was engaged for three years starting at 19, and when that engagement ended, I decided, well, I don’t have to be married, but I’d like to have sex with someone who loves me and who I love back. So, that only took… another seven years.
VJ: That’s a minute.
UC: It was. It wasn’t all the guys’ fault. I’m sometimes… fickle.
VJ: Have you ever lost partners or relationships because you didn’t want to have coitus?
UC: None of them ever admitted it, but looking back, I think, yeah. I think it’s not something you want to say is the reason.
VJ: It’s not a good look. Do you regret anything about waiting?
UC: I don’t regret my age or the timing when I lost my virginity — but I would have liked my first to be a different person?
VJ: Why is that?
UC: I thought he loved me and that he was the right partner, but it turned out that he wasn’t faithful and didn’t care for me the way I thought he did. Later, I felt like I was a conquest. It seemed like the right person at the time, but looking back, could have been better
VJ: I think most of us feel that way.
UC: Ha! But I don’t regret waiting, either. All I missed over the years was sex with people who weren’t in love with me, which I feel is missable.
VJ: What are some positive responses people have had to your sex history? UC: Women have been 100 percent positive, girlfriends all think it’s great. Lots of men, friends and ex-boyfriends have been respectful of my decision. One man I did sleep with said it made him feel extra special. Which he is! “I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl”
VJ: What is something that you changed your mind about after having sex?
UC: Strangely, I have changed my feelings about oral sex, which for years was my main sexual activity — now it seems VERY intimate and kind of more precious than sex — like, I can have intercourse with someone way before oral sex. I have to trust them more.
VJ: I’ve heard that’s the feeling a lot of millennials have, that sex with a condom you can have with anyone, but oral sex is more intimate. It’s the opposite of when I was growing up. What were you surprised about after the first time you had sex?
UC: I thought it would be really bloody and painful, and it wasn’t. I was surprised that it wasn’t actually that big a deal — I wasn’t a different person, I wasn’t transformed in one way or another — it was strange, I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl, and I had to figure out who I was again!
VJ: Ha! Right, part of our worth as a woman is your sexual purity — It gives you the idea that you will be a different person once you have sex, but you’re not. Like a button is pressed and POOF you are a different being.
UC: I guess so! But I just had to train myself out of thinking of myself in relation to what I hadn’t done, and think about myself in the context of what I have.
VJ: Have you had any negative feedback on staying a virgin for longer?
UC: Unfortunately, yeah- it usually gets thrown in my face by partners or men when they’re angry with me or want to hurt me? Stuff about I’m frigid or not normal or can’t come during sex, which I can — Lots of men want to tell me that because I waited, I’m gonna have hang-ups or other issues, that I’ll never be normal in bed.
VJ: That’s cruddy.
UC: It is. One guy in particular has hit that one same note over and over, that I’m not normal, normal people just hook up a lot and don’t put a lot of importance on sex, but you know, I know those people, and they don’t seem that happy to me.
VJ: Maybe not.
UC: And I know that I’m worth more than that.
VJ: Well, I think everyone is worth more, both women and men. But we believe what people tell us, which is that the only thing available to us is hookup sex, so we’d better take it, or get nothing. (laughs)
UC: Ha! Right. “I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.”
VJ: What were you relieved about when you lost your virginity?
UC: I was honestly glad not to worry about it anymore. Also…Oh, god…
VJ: What?
UC: I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.
VJ: Haaaaa!
UC: Well, I wasn’t sure.
VJ: Well, how could you be? Thank you for sharing your sex history with me, babe. The Unicorn Charmer has just ended a serious relationship and is currently out meeting new dates and potential partners in her new city, and is having fun, mostly!

Til Death Do Us Part: Sex, Dating, and the Animal Kingdom- originally published on LOVE.TV

Posted Posted in animals, comedy, love and dating

It’s Springtime, when the earth renews itself and mating season begins for many animals!
People go on dates and remember that sex and dating can be hard.

It can wear you out emotionally.

But at least you can physically survive it- not like in many parts of the animal kingdom.

Here’s a list of animals that die for sex- to remind you that things could be worse!

Praying Mantis

Oftentimes, the female praying mantis bites the head off her mate while they have sex, and apparently the male thrusts more vigorously after he’s dead, making the sex more likely to generate progeny. (This is probably not true of human men.)

Remember that the next time a woman you’ve exchanged a week of flirty text messages with flat doesn’t show up at an Italian restaurant and won’t call you back- you might leave with your head hanging down, but at least it’s still attached.

The Antechinus

This very cute ratlike Australian marsupial, goes on a mad sex parade with multiple partners for up to 14 hours and then drops dead of exhaustion. There are advantages to this, for example- he doesn’t have the opportunity to get in trouble with any of the multiple cute ratlike partners he had sex with in the same half-day, but on the other hand the Antechinus never meets his children, nor coaches them in Soccer, which he would call Football, because he’s from Australia.

That’s better than the time you went on a drinks-filled double date with your best friend Allison and your boyfriend’s roommate, and she came home with him, but after you’d left for your house, she snuck into the other bedroom and did your boyfriend as well. Right? Still better than the cute little dead sex rat. And you don’t have to speak to Allison ever again.

The Dark Fishing Spider

He dies of natural causes after he mates with his lady- ejaculating makes his blood go bad.  Nature wants him to die immediately after he has sex, which is one reason insects don’t masturbate.

This helps you understand that you’re still better off than a dead spider, even after you’ve been seeing someone you’re crazy about for a couple of months and came to find out he was also dating most of the women you know, and you were all in a weird sad sisterhood of women getting identical flirty text messages and photographs from him, which is why they were always non-sequiturs.

Furcifer Labordi Chameleons

These Chameleons mate furiously and violently, then after the eggs are safely inseminated and laid, they both die.  No-one is left to tell the tale of their passionate romance, no-one is left to mourn their death or wear black, or just turn black, because they are a Chameleon.

That means the time you stopped hearing from someone you’d been seeing for six months and thought you were in love with, and you couldn’t get him on the phone or online, and you assumed he’d gone to prison or rehab and cried anxious tears and couldn’t concentrate on work, and two weeks later you saw him on Facebook tagged in a picture at a bar from that day and you realize you’d just been garden-variety dumped, that’s better than dying postcoitally as a couple.  Probably.

Male Orb Weaving Spiders

These spiders die while still joined with the female, so that while she is pregnant with his offspring, other dude spiders can’t have sex with her because she has another dude’s body sticking out of her.  It’s desperate, but effective.

That puts into perspective the time you went on a work trip and brought your husband along and realized he was having an affair as he smiled into his phone and went to the bathroom to have whispery conversations as you tried to stop crying long enough to go to professional events and network.  It was pretty bad.  You might remember the hurt and humiliation of it sharply.  But at least your dead body wasn’t hanging off his junk, being dragged through the snowy cobblestone streets of Boston!

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/til-death-do-us-part-noir-humor-of-sex-dating-and-the-animal-kingdom/#sthash.vbeJ5qlB.dpuf