The glorious Nina Storm had me do comedy on her Doors-named, all-woman variety show and I don’t hate this tape I got.
MONDAY: It picks up the silk kimonos from the cleaners. It checks the ticket very, verrry carefully before it gets back into its Geo Metro, to avoid bringing home the wrong kimonos. We do not want to punish It like last time. It’s harder on Us than on It.
TUESDAY: It sorts tax receipts. It puts mileage receipts in the blue envelope, it puts business purchases in the pink envelope, and it puts tattoo-and-piercing related expenses in a manila envelope. IT DOES NOT SPEND ALL DAY FUCKING AROUND ON FACEBOOK! Nobody cares what It ate for lunch, except that the food makes It look and smell disgusting.
WEDNESDAY: It brings a fruit plate for Jenny’s baby shower. It chooses a fruit plate with a lot of strawberry and pineapple and not as much melon or kiwi.
THURSDAY: We apologize for saying that it smells disgusting. It sometimes does not smell very bad. We still need It to dust the house, and also to collect all loose teeth into a Mason jar.
FRIDAY: It gets paaaaid. Yayyyy. It can buy all the tacky blue mascara and Lee Press-on Nails it wants. It cashes Its check right away, so that it does not appear outstanding on our bank balance. It is on call all weekend, so It does not turn Its phone off! Its phone is never off!
The funniest thing about this poster isn’t its existence.
The funniest thing isn’t the claim that all penises will be severed on site.
The funniest thing is that the guy who made it doesn’t know it’s funny, and doesn’t want his last name to get out in case his girlfriend gets mad.
Postscript: OK, this guy didn’t wind up protesting because he was “frightened for his safety.” It was a little bit funny for us, looking around at sweet, cute, smart lady comics, people who wear cardigans and glasses, and feeling like we were in the middle of a gender war, but he also might have stayed home because it rained most nights. Who knows? Anyway, we never saw him.
All Jane got lots of great press from this threatened protest, from revered feminist institutions like Bust and Bitch, as well as the LA Weekly, Willamette Week, Portland Mercury, etc. However, with the added visibility, we also started getting spammed by transgender individuals who were offended at the cissexist name, All Jane, No Dick (meaning: assuming there are only two genders.) Never mind that the festival, its organizers, and its participants are trans friendly and supportive, never mind that one of the performers on a short roster is genderfluid comic Rye Silverman. A volunteer had to spend a whole day deleting negative comments from the public spaces about All Jane, and lots of comics and organizers were shame-faced to have raised ire from the trans community for our name, even though we know it’s “edgy” and funny. That’s what comedy is.
But I wasn’t ashamed. I was mad. In my unpopular opinion, whether it’s straight men telling women what to do or transgendered persons telling us what to do, it’s still men telling women what to do, and I’m sick of it. The MOST gender-specific trait for men is telling women what to do, how to be good girls and not offend anyone. We can make whatever we want, we can call it whatever we want, and we’ll do whatever the fuck we want. If we offend people? Good. Don’t come. Life is not about never being offended. Riot Grrl Comedy! Rant over! We had fun! And Sizzle Pie and Montage fed us and it was great!
Postscript: This year, the festival is just called “All Jane.”
An amazing birthday portrait of myself as Bloodmeadow by Monsieur Pete Ellison, the very talented wunderkind at www.heyitspete.com! And when’s the last time you watched an episode of GOTHIXXX? Probably too long!
Postscript: Here it is printed and framed in a lovely frame I stole from an Oscars party- You can get your own print of Bloodmeadow enjoying a Slurpee and haunted by ghosts here!
My talented best friend Pete (designer of my website, music impresario, DJ and artist- previously mentioned here, here, and here, and here and here!) has made this adorable t-shirt, suitable for you or your vegan/vegetabletarian friends and family!
It’s available in yellow, green, or blue, and is hand-printed in Pete’s home studio in soft, eco-friendly waterbased inks. I like this tee especially because it doesn’t have the “and you’re a dick” subtext of a lot of veggie tees, it’s just a fun burger that loves you and wants to be eaten, because everyone knows that tofu is a very masochistic food. Click HERE to order!
This first run is limited to 75 pieces! You’ll be wearing the only tofu burger tee in the whole vegan grocery/yoga class/tall bike ride/waterpark/DJ night/transgender dance party/coffee bean tasting/hula hoop class/laundromat dance party/bear bowling event!
Thanks to alert friend Tom Plunket, it has come to my attention that I have been immortalized, in cheap wig form, by the good people at California Costumes. Now, I don’t know when I became a blind pop star, but evidently that’s my overall look. These people owe me royalties and I’m going to sit right here on my couch until I get them.