If Jame Gumb Had A Personal Assistant

Posted Posted in artsy fartsy, comedy, gay, Gothic

buffalo-bill

MONDAY: It picks up the silk kimonos from the cleaners.  It checks the ticket very, verrry  carefully before it gets back into its Geo Metro, to avoid bringing home the wrong kimonos.  We do not want to punish It like last time.   It’s harder on Us than on It.

TUESDAY: It sorts tax receipts.  It puts mileage receipts in the blue envelope, it puts business purchases in the pink envelope, and it puts tattoo-and-piercing related expenses in a manila envelope.  IT DOES NOT SPEND ALL DAY FUCKING AROUND ON FACEBOOK!  Nobody cares what It ate for lunch, except that the food makes It look and smell disgusting.

WEDNESDAY:  It brings a fruit plate for Jenny’s baby shower.  It chooses a fruit plate with a lot of strawberry and pineapple and not as much melon or kiwi.

THURSDAY:  We apologize for saying that it smells disgusting.  It sometimes does not smell very bad.  We still need It to dust the house, and also to collect all loose teeth into a Mason jar.

FRIDAY: It gets paaaaid.  Yayyyy.  It can buy all the tacky blue mascara and Lee Press-on Nails it wants.  It cashes Its check right away, so that it does not appear outstanding on our bank balance.  It is on call all weekend, so It does not turn Its phone off!  Its phone is never off!

All Jane, Meet All Dick Envy

Posted Posted in Bridgetown Comedy Festival, comedy, feminism, gay, portland, Uncategorized, women

The funniest thing about this poster isn’t its existence.

The funniest thing isn’t the claim that all penises will be severed on site.

The funniest thing is that the guy who made it doesn’t know it’s funny, and doesn’t want his last name to get out in case his girlfriend gets mad.

Postscript: OK, this guy didn’t wind up protesting because he was “frightened for his safety.”  It was a little bit funny for us, looking around at sweet, cute, smart lady comics, people who wear cardigans and glasses, and feeling like we were in the middle of a gender war, but he also might have stayed home because it rained most nights.  Who knows?  Anyway, we never saw him.

All Jane got lots of great press from this threatened protest, from revered feminist institutions like Bust and Bitch, as well as the LA Weekly, Willamette Week, Portland Mercury, etc.  However, with the added visibility, we also started getting spammed by transgender individuals who were offended at the cissexist name, All Jane, No Dick (meaning: assuming there are only two genders.)  Never mind that the festival, its organizers, and its participants are trans friendly and supportive, never mind that one of the performers on a short roster is genderfluid comic Rye Silverman.  A volunteer had to spend a whole day deleting negative comments from the public spaces about All Jane, and lots of comics and organizers were shame-faced to have raised ire from the trans community for our name, even though we know it’s “edgy” and funny.  That’s what comedy is.

But I wasn’t ashamed.  I was mad.  In my unpopular opinion, whether it’s straight men telling women what to do or transgendered persons telling us what to do, it’s still men telling women what to do, and I’m sick of it.  The MOST gender-specific trait for men is telling women what to do, how to be good girls and not offend anyone.  We can make whatever we want, we can call it whatever we want, and we’ll do whatever the fuck we want.  If we offend people?  Good.  Don’t come.  Life is not about never being offended.  Riot Grrl Comedy!  Rant over!  We had fun!  And Sizzle Pie and Montage fed us and it was great!

Postscript: This year, the festival is just called “All Jane.”

Birthday Portrait!

Posted Posted in comedy, costume, fashion, gay, Gothic, gothixxx, halloween, los angeles, portland, Uncategorized
by Pete Ellison

An amazing birthday portrait of myself as Bloodmeadow by Monsieur Pete Ellison, the very talented wunderkind at www.heyitspete.com!  And when’s the last time you watched an episode of GOTHIXXX?  Probably too long!

 

Postscript: Here it is printed and framed in a lovely frame  I stole from an Oscars party- You can get your own print of Bloodmeadow enjoying a Slurpee and haunted by ghosts here!

 

It’s a Very Vegan Christmas!

Posted Posted in fashion, gay, los angeles, seattle, vegan, women

 

My talented best friend Pete (designer of my website, music impresario, DJ and artist- previously mentioned here, here, and here, and here and here!)  has made this adorable t-shirt, suitable for you or your vegan/vegetabletarian friends and family!

  It’s available in yellow, green, or blue, and is hand-printed in Pete’s home studio in soft, eco-friendly waterbased inks.  I like this tee especially because it doesn’t have the “and you’re a dick” subtext of a lot of veggie tees, it’s just a fun burger that loves you and wants to be eaten, because everyone knows that tofu is a very masochistic food.  Click HERE to order!

This first run is limited to 75 pieces!  You’ll be wearing the only tofu burger tee in the whole vegan grocery/yoga class/tall bike ride/waterpark/DJ night/transgender dance party/coffee bean tasting/hula hoop class/laundromat dance party/bear bowling event!

California Costumes Stole Me!

Posted Posted in comedy, costume, fashion, gay, Gothic, gothixxx, long beach, los angeles

I have been immortalized, in cheap wig form, as a blind pop star of some sort.

Thanks to alert friend Tom Plunket, it has come to my attention that I have been immortalized, in cheap wig form, by the good people at California Costumes.  Now, I don’t know when I became a blind pop star, but evidently that’s my overall look.  These people owe me royalties and I’m going to sit right here on my couch until I get them.

CATFACE Attack

Posted Posted in artsy fartsy, costume, fashion, gay, long beach, los angeles

I wound up at the mall today and stopped into Forever 21, to see how cheap jeans could possibly get ($7!), when I saw some t-shirts with a tiger on them.  And some dresses.  And tanks.  And more t-shirts.  Then leopards.  A cougar.  What might have been a lynx.  Catfaces.

 These twenty catfaces were photographed in the wild at the Los Cerritos Forever 21.  None of them were harmed.  But they are puzzling to me.  It felt like a full 20% of the items for sale had some kind of catface on them.

It was as if every Forever 21 designer had been told that if their product for back-to-school didn’t have catfaces on them, they would be fired, or worse, killed.

TREND REPORT: MANDATORY CATFACE

I can picture a poor designer mussing their trendy haircut and crying, “Look, I didn’t want to make a catface sweater, but I have a family to think of!”

Now, just coming from the Fuck Yeah Fest, a ten year event based in Los Angeles, the only city with so little self-awareness it would name something that, it’s evident that young women’s fashion is pretty homogeneous.

Forever 21, Urban Outfitters, and H&M all throw out several lines a season, and, due to fear and identical fashion blog research, they tend to all look the same.  Looking around the festival, you can see that the options are: short jean shorts, floral rompers, circle shirts, crop tops, short dresses with the waist between the waist and the armpit, and maxi dresses.  That’s it.  Those are the only things available.  There wasn’t one pair of low-rise denim shorts.  Not one, even though they were ubiquitous a few years ago.

A month ago when I went to So You Think You Can Dance, it was all dresses who were short in the front, and long in the back, schlong dresses that don’t look good on anyone.  Also, lace and the color hot salmon.  These things are gone now.  It might not be because all the girls are scared of wearing last month’s clothes so much as the things they wear deteriorate by their next period.

Anyway, if you find yourself with the back-to-school crowd, they may look like a bit like a National Geographic special.

Hooray!