It has come to my attention that I have been immortalized, in cheap wig form, by the good people at California Costumes. Now, I don’t know when I became a blind pop star, but evidently that’s my overall look. These people owe me royalties and I’m going to sit right here on my couch until I get them.
I stopped into Forever 21 to see how cheap jeans could possibly get ($7!). That’s not a clearance price. These pants were designed into a seven dollar price point.
Let’s talk about how you make a seven dollar jean. So, it’s an in-house label, so there’s no retail markup. OK, it’s made in Bangladesh. They move the fiber content to hit the lowest duty possible. The fabric costs about a buck a yard. So, if we can accept a loss leader margin of 20%, then we can get labor at about a buck fifty. Buttons, labels and shit are a quarter. You’re never going to wear seven dollar jeans. You’re just buying them because they’re seven dollars. Leave them there. Nobody has ever seen them outside of the store. They suck.
Next, I saw some t-shirts with a tiger on them. Dresses with a tiger. And tanks. More cat t-shirts. Then leopards. A cougar. What might have been a lynx. Catfaces.
Twenty catfaces were seen in the wild at the Los Cerritos Forever 21. 20% of the items for sale had some kind of catface on them.
It was as if every Forever 21 designer, in every category, was told that if their product for back-to-school didn’t have catfaces, they would be killed.
TREND REPORT: MANDATORY CATFACE
I can picture a poor designer mussing their trendy haircut and crying, “Look, I didn’t want to make a catface sweater, but I have a family!”
Now, just coming from the Fuck Yeah Fest, a ten year event based in Los Angeles, the only city with so little self-awareness it would name something that, it’s evident that young women’s fashion is pretty homogeneous.
Forever 21, Urban Outfitters, and H&M all make several lines a season, and, due to identical trend research, they tend to all look the same. Looking around the festival, you can see the options: short jean shorts, floral rompers, circle shirts, crop tops, short dresses with the waist between the waist and the armpit, and maxi dresses. That’s it. Those are the only things available. There wasn’t one pair of low-rise denim shorts. Not one, even though they were ubiquitous a few years ago.
A month ago when I went to So You Think You Can Dance, it was all dresses who were short in the front, and long in the back, schlong dresses that don’t look good on anyone. Also, lace and the color hot salmon. These things are gone now. It’s not that girls are scared of wearing last month’s clothes so much as the things they wear deteriorate by their next period.
Anyway, if you find yourself with the back-to-school crowd, they may look like a bit like a National Geographic special.
Hooray!
It’s honest, is what it is. A cheerful, grinning pole dancer is the only female role model America really wants. That’s why Miley Cyrus got on on a pole at 16 at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards, and why she was cheerfully twerking on Robin Thicke’s crotch at the VMA’s in 2013. (And don’t worry, everyone acted like they were outraged in 2009, and her Dad acted embarrassed and said “I don’t know where she learned that” and the answer was, then too, “from her choreographer that painstakingly created the routine.”)
That’s why Britney was on a pole when she was 18 and one second. We might be living through another Republican White House if Sarah Palin had just dropped the soundbites and climbed a pole. These things don’t come from nowhere and marketing doesn’t lie. Don’t pretend you’re shocked. Don’t pretend to be surprised when teen idols play strippers, again and again- Performers do what is asked of them. Feminism has fallen down gone boom and we all need to pick it the fuck up.
For one second, think about whether you, as a person with lady parts, have ever said “It’s fun to go to the strip club an’ get attention from the dancers!”, or said “Those Suicide Girls seem pretty self-actualized, because having tattoos means you’re your own person!” and realize that you might be part of the problem. Being comfortable with your own body and sexuality has gotten confused with being porn-positive and chauvinist-friendly to an uncomfortable degree. Moby tried to bring up how misogynist the Robin Thicke video for Blurred Lines was, and everyone shouted him down like he was an asshole. I’m not talking about suppressing freedom of expression, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t do exactly what pleases you- I’m just saying, if you don’t like the society we’re living in, own your part in creating it.
And girls, you don’t have to let boys grind on you at a club if you don’t want them to. You don’t have to send them nude pictures on your phone. And for chrissakes, don’t laugh at them if they aren’t funny.
Hey! Serious for a second! That was weird, huh.
Besides, the VMA’s are where fake scandals are made. Sacha Baron Cohen putting his balls in Eminem’s face. Kanye cockblocking Taylor Swift. Russell Brand joking about the Jonas Brothers. Diana Ross grabbing lil Kim’s boob. Madonna humping the floor. Courtney Love dissing Madonna. Madonna kissing Britney. Lady Gaga wearing a meat dress. What’s it gonna be next year? More importantly, how long are you rubes gonna keep walking down the midway?
I was helping out on Seraph Films‘ shoot and actor Chip Mefford put his fingers up my nose.*
Chip paid for it dearly. Did he die in a temporal loop? Or is it PA Revenge?
* Also see sleep-deprived director Gene Blalock sing “Singin’ in the Rain” with a reflector. This was right before he was wandering from person to person announcing that he liked apples.
I stopped in on SDCC 13 to promote Horror Haiku and my friends at Seraph Films and I wanted to share my high points with you!
It’s always wonderful to see my handsome genius friend Douglas Wolk. This time, I got to see him run a panel on cliffhangers in comics.
SDCC is pretty overwhelming, and after last year’s visit, I just accept that I’m going to miss things like Mulder and Scully’s reunion and I’ll see the same fat guy in a Mario hat twenty times.
I don’t like being outside or standing in lines, so most of Comic-Con’s hot spots won’t happen for me.
Steampunk has gotten out of control with nerd crossover as every vendor asks “Can I make a corset out of children’s Star Wars sheets?”
Lots of Dr. Who’s this year, and fewer Anime kids with giant weapons.
PHOTOS!
I got my picture taken a lot, and the nicest compliment was from a guy who said “That’s really…alarming.”
It’s always good to see Old Gregg.
A really good Marla Singer and a somewhat meth-ed out Tyler Durden.
Gris Grimly’s lovely gal Victoria Vengeance poses with a card for me.
Supernatural’s Castiel and Dean were in attendance, and feeling very sexy about it. I did see Rob Benedict, who plays Chuck Shurley, interviewing someone about something.
My personal highlight was meeting Emo Philips for the third time, each time is more delightful than the last!
I am close to taking my Summer Sabbatical, which is not really what it is, but it makes my Mom feel better when I say “I’m Taking A Sabbatical” instead of “I’m quitting my job and hanging out all Summer”. I thought it was time to get my list of “OTHER” skills together and post them on the Internet.
If you feel like you read a slightly different but kind of the same list as this one, it’s because my site was hacked and my service restored from last week’s restore point and I lost it. It’s because SOMEONE was very jealous of my 70 hits a day. Eat it, haters!
1. Pit Toilets: I’m very good at using pit toilets in Asia. You just have to pretend you’re camping, which you kind of are.
2. Sleeping on Airplanes: Also work related. I can sleep bolt upright on a red eye to Turkey and emerge as fresh and ready as if I had slept in a garbage- filled car.
3. Tap Dancing. I’m not the world’s best tap dancer (SAVION GLOVER, because we can really only have one famous tap dancer at a time), but it’s the skill that took the most time and expense to learn, and which has the lowest street value. I’m considering trying to make people pay me NOT to do it.
4. Bemani. It’s no longer fashionable but I can totally do it- I get more points for style than accuracy on Dance, Dance, Revolution, but Karaoke Revolution is my bitch.
5. For that matter, I can lead in six count swing, and I can lead about five things in Lindy hop- I’m a good Lindy follow- I like a lot of dances.
6. I can make dance parties happen. I can make people do it. At karaoke, at coffeeshops- most of the time.
7. Karaoke. I’m good at it. I don’t have the most amazing American Idol style voice, but I know my range and I will perform the SHIT out of a song. I like to work a crowd. When I do it in Hong Kong they are upset with the dancing and eye contact.
8. Comedy. I do it for money and for free. Mostly for free. Don’t ask me to tell you a joke, I’ll make you laugh, m-f. Just you wait.
9. I can draw- I haven’t for around five-seven years, but I probably still can, right? I’m sure I can. I have an art degree. I can blind contour the shit out of something.
10. According to the Munsell test of Color Acuity, I am a Superior Color Discriminator. I will discriminate the shit out of your color. I need a lab coat and a light box with a true North setting. But I will do it.
11. I can make patterns and sew. Again, I usually don’t. But I can make seriously obscure and fucked up Halloween costumes!
12. Goth Makeup and Fantasy Make up! I have an airbrush and I’m not scared to use it, including airbrushing a fake tattoo on you!
13. I’m really good at telling long, involved, interconnected stories to people on acid. I can be on acid or not, it doesn’t matter.
14. I can tell a fake art history lecture at the drop of a hat, especially if the hat is from a particularly evocative period
15. I’m really good at making one kind of vegan chocolate chip cookies. Just one kind.
16. I’m really good at maintaining a blog for 8 years that only my mother consistently reads!
17. If I had just bought my first guitar, I would be a crazy natural guitar playing genius- however, I have had my own guitar for a decade, and play it occasionally. I’m mediocre, but proud!
18. I’m really good at steering an oversized Costco shopping cart with my elbows while eating free BBQ nuts.
19. I’m a good trivia team member- I don’t know that much about television or sports, but I’m very good at arbitration to try to determine the likeliest answer. Also, I like to win but I don’t care if I do.
20. I’m really good at running a White Elephant party. I will whip the crowd into a frenzy over Scratch tickets and a rubber garden gnome. Blood will flow!
21. Despite all the above, I’m really good at not going to Burning Man! I haven’t gone every year it’s happened! Consecutively!
With this kind of skill set, I’m gonna destroy this job market!
Speaking of, here’s a picture my friend Tara took five years ago, which is what it looks like when I am drunk enough to think I look like Tori Amos.