Marriage Advice From A Taxidermist Whose Creations Are Reanimating

Posted Posted in animals, artsy fartsy, comedy, goth

Dear Marriage Advice From A Taxidermist:

My wife and I disagree on almost everything these days- what to have for dinner, where we should park the car, what movie to watch.  It seems I couldn’t have picked a less compatible partner, and the constant conflict is making my life hell.  What should we do?-  Canton, OH

Dear Conflict in Canton; 

You’ve reached a crossroads that tests many marriages, but you can move past it.  First, check in with your wife that there’s no larger issue at work.  If there isn’t, have a talk about why you chose to be together and good memories you have together.  Try to be considerate of each other’s feelings, and remind each other why you make a good pair.  Learn to compromise.

 It looked like my stuffed jackalope just moved a little.  That’s funny.  Must be the light in here.

Good luck!  Let me take a look at this thing and see if I can think of any more good advice.

Dear Marriage Advice From A Taxidermist;

   I hope it’s ok that I’m writing for marriage advice, I’m not yet married but I’m worried about tying the knot with my longtime boyfriend, Simon.  We love each other and I want to commit, but we’re both men and I guess my upbringing says that men making a life together is wrong, can I shake it off and have a good marriage? – Temecula, CA

Dear Twosome in Temecula;

  That sounds really nice, what you’ve got going on.  As far as internalized negative feelings about gay marriage, that’s a little out of my depth, but I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist you feel comfortable with about how to move past these feelings before taking the plunge.  You owe it to yourself and your partner to go into this with… well the jackalope is moving again.  It’s wriggling.  Maybe it has termites or something?  It looks…terrible.  Just terrible.

 Good luck and Mazel Tov!

Dear Taxidermist;

My husband always seems to pay more attention to other women than he does to me.  He’s not flirting, he just always seems to have his antennae up when there’s another lady around, you know?  It hurts my feelings, but I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to look like a shrew.  What do you think? – Shreveport, LA

Dear Shrew in Shreveport;

  Sorry, of course not.  You’re not being a shrew.  I’m just distracted, I also have a stuffed shrew in my office, he’s a cute little thing, the size of a kumquat, and he’s moving, too.  He’s nailed to his mount, but it looks like he’s writhing and turning around as best he can.  It’s really awful.  Ummm, you know, after you’re with someone for a while, you can begin to appreciate other people, it doesn’t necessarily mean bad things for your marriage, just that maybe things are a little stale, I’d try, I don’t know, have you changed your hair or something?  The shrew is now crawling towards me, pulling its little fanciful forest scene with it.  Why is something so tiny so bone-chilling?  OK, change up your look.  New lipstick.  See if that helps.

Dear Taxidermist;

I can’t help but notice that you think some of your stuffed specimens are moving around.  Shouldn’t you be worrying about that, and not this column?  – Cuyahoga, OH

Dear Curious in Cuyahoga;

  I think you’re right, I mean, at first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me and I was trying to distract myself from the task at hand, but with every passing minute I am more and more convinced that these things are moving.  I mean, this is impossible.  They can’t come back to life.  There’s nothing to come back to life, these things are skins arranged on molds.  You know, their insides are basically foam wig stands shaped like animals.  I can hear them stirring, moving towards me, their bases scraping against the wooden floor.  I really don’t know what to do and I’m not sure why I’m writing this down.  Just trying to leave a record for whomever finds me, perhaps.

Dear Taxidermist;

  Don’t you think this is maybe all a hallucination, or a dream?  I mean, what are you even doing?  Why would anyone ask you for marriage advice?  You have no counselling or therapy background of any kind.  You’re not even married, right?  Didn’t your wife die in a hunting “accident”?- Siskiyou, CA

Dear Suspicious in Siskiyou;

  You bring up some really good points.  I wish you had asked me a question I could help you with, but now that you bring up my departed wife, I can smell her perfume.  There hasn’t been another woman in my life since her passing, because I don’t know how I would explain to another woman that she is also stuffed in my trophy room.  It was a massive labor of love to remember a truly lovely woman I cared very much for, but who just didn’t know when to shut up, like that poor sonofabitch’s wife in Canton, sounds like.  Friend, something just tapped me on the shoulder and I can’t tell you how much I don’t want to turn around.

Til Death Do Us Part: Sex, Dating, and the Animal Kingdom- originally published on LOVE.TV

Posted Posted in animals, comedy, love and dating

It’s Springtime, when the earth renews itself and mating season begins for many animals!
People go on dates and remember that sex and dating can be hard.

It can wear you out emotionally.

But at least you can physically survive it- not like in many parts of the animal kingdom.

Here’s a list of animals that die for sex- to remind you that things could be worse!

Praying Mantis

Oftentimes, the female praying mantis bites the head off her mate while they have sex, and apparently the male thrusts more vigorously after he’s dead, making the sex more likely to generate progeny. (This is probably not true of human men.)

Remember that the next time a woman you’ve exchanged a week of flirty text messages with flat doesn’t show up at an Italian restaurant and won’t call you back- you might leave with your head hanging down, but at least it’s still attached.

The Antechinus

This very cute ratlike Australian marsupial, goes on a mad sex parade with multiple partners for up to 14 hours and then drops dead of exhaustion. There are advantages to this, for example- he doesn’t have the opportunity to get in trouble with any of the multiple cute ratlike partners he had sex with in the same half-day, but on the other hand the Antechinus never meets his children, nor coaches them in Soccer, which he would call Football, because he’s from Australia.

That’s better than the time you went on a drinks-filled double date with your best friend Allison and your boyfriend’s roommate, and she came home with him, but after you’d left for your house, she snuck into the other bedroom and did your boyfriend as well. Right? Still better than the cute little dead sex rat. And you don’t have to speak to Allison ever again.

The Dark Fishing Spider

He dies of natural causes after he mates with his lady- ejaculating makes his blood go bad.  Nature wants him to die immediately after he has sex, which is one reason insects don’t masturbate.

This helps you understand that you’re still better off than a dead spider, even after you’ve been seeing someone you’re crazy about for a couple of months and came to find out he was also dating most of the women you know, and you were all in a weird sad sisterhood of women getting identical flirty text messages and photographs from him, which is why they were always non-sequiturs.

Furcifer Labordi Chameleons

These Chameleons mate furiously and violently, then after the eggs are safely inseminated and laid, they both die.  No-one is left to tell the tale of their passionate romance, no-one is left to mourn their death or wear black, or just turn black, because they are a Chameleon.

That means the time you stopped hearing from someone you’d been seeing for six months and thought you were in love with, and you couldn’t get him on the phone or online, and you assumed he’d gone to prison or rehab and cried anxious tears and couldn’t concentrate on work, and two weeks later you saw him on Facebook tagged in a picture at a bar from that day and you realize you’d just been garden-variety dumped, that’s better than dying postcoitally as a couple.  Probably.

Male Orb Weaving Spiders

These spiders die while still joined with the female, so that while she is pregnant with his offspring, other dude spiders can’t have sex with her because she has another dude’s body sticking out of her.  It’s desperate, but effective.

That puts into perspective the time you went on a work trip and brought your husband along and realized he was having an affair as he smiled into his phone and went to the bathroom to have whispery conversations as you tried to stop crying long enough to go to professional events and network.  It was pretty bad.  You might remember the hurt and humiliation of it sharply.  But at least your dead body wasn’t hanging off his junk, being dragged through the snowy cobblestone streets of Boston!

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/til-death-do-us-part-noir-humor-of-sex-dating-and-the-animal-kingdom/#sthash.vbeJ5qlB.dpuf

Animal Sleeveface

Posted Posted in animals, comedy, long beach, los angeles, portland

4. Same goes for this gross lil guy.

Same goes for this gross lil guy.Aw, actually, I would almost pet this one… maybe.

Via: badinia

OK, last Friday a photo of my dog Hazel Samedi Jones with a Damned record in 2007 was posted on Buzzfeed, which I took as a sign from the universe that the genius of Animal Sleeveface was finally being recognized.  I’m a little hurt that she gets called a boy, because look at them womanly nips!

See the whole post here.

Farewell to a Good Boy

Posted Posted in animals, comedy, costume, long beach, los angeles, portland

chicoistheman

This is a photo essay about the best boy in the world, Chico Jones.  Originally from Bakersfield, California, he was handsome and rambunctious and strong.

chicoportrait

Chico would sometimes work as an artist’s model, for both painting and photography, although he couldn’t sit still for a super long time, unless he was asleep.

chicodj

Like most people, soon after he moved to Portland he became a DJ, but never attained the fame of DJ Mama.

mushyface

As time went on, he frequently had trouble not falling into couches.

chicojanine

He was very popular, especially with Janine Brito.

lastchico

This was his last photograph taken, before he moved on to the next party on September 1st.  He went out as he came in, loving, handsome, and slightly gassy.  I will love my boy forever.  And ever.

Previous posts on Chico:

  Sleepytime Gorilla Museum

Who Are You?

It’s Been A Hard Day’s Night

DJ Chico Jones