The Worst Things About 2020

My 8 Least Favorite Things About 2020:

1. Cottagecore

I carry a lot of 80’s Laura Ashley trauma. Someone referred to their own aesthetic as Gothic Cottagecore and that can’t be a thing.

2. Sippycups

The sippycup lids for Starbucks cold drinks. I also love turtles but I don’t like to drink from a ba-ba. Can’t I just send money to a gofundme for the turtles?

3. That Burrito Blanket

Thing is like a Magic Eye where everyone sees a delicious tortilla and I see a shit-stained white blanket. I can almost smell that thing, get it away from me.

4. Zoom Karaoke

Bless our little cotton socks for trying, it doesn’t work.

5. Homesteading

Growing food. I was so proud that I had grown five dollars of green onions over 6 months until I realized I had probably spent twenty dollars on water.

6. Instagram Live.

Your friend goes instagram live and you think oh what are they doin’ and it’s nothing, they’re not doing anything but they’ve seen that you’re watching and it’s a lowkey hostage situation.

7. People who make fun of my Quibi tattoo.

Look, I believed in something and it didn’t work out. I guess you’ve never made a mistake before.

8. Tie-dye.

Not everything needs to be tie-dyed. Give it a rest, Trent.

Maybe something else crappy happened this year, but I can’t think of it right now.

Renpho, The Little Robot That Rubs Your Feet

renpho shiatsu foot massager

Renpho Shiatsu Foot Massager: This is a little robot who massages your feet.

It looks like a Volkswagen New Beetle from the front. You put your feet deep into the robot. There are removable and washable black liners so you can’t see the robot as it rubs your feet. Perhaps the robot is shy. Maybe it’s just weird to see a robot touching your feet.

There are three intensity settings for compression and massage, and an option for heat, which was really relaxing. You can pick 15 minute or 30 minute massage programs, and you can change intensity and pressure levels at any time.

It’s a nice massage, like you’d get in a massage chair but just for your feet. It makes a whirring and beeping sound that aggravates my dog, or maybe he’s just upset that the robot doesn’t rub his feet.

His feet are too small for the robot. Do not put dog feet into the robot.

My feet felt so good and relaxed afterwards, and they felt even better when I woke up in the morning, like they had been aligned, stretched and were ready for adventure. It’s a little spa treatment you can have at home!

How To Make The Perfect Blade Runner Movie!

What will we need to make the perfect Blade Runner movie?

Something boiling 

Neon in the rain

Fetishy latex jackets

Crowds of pedestrians in weird masks

Wet sex workers

Pianos

Giant buildings shaped like pyramids  

Street food/night markets 

That opthamologist setup where lenses are flipped with other lenses 

High contrast lighting 

Inexplicable accents 

Origami 

Printed photos

CRT screens

Vangelis

Lens flare

Eyes: close up, tattooed, missing

Serial numbers on everything

Harrison Ford holding a square glass tumbler

Cityspeak

Jazz 

Cigarettes 

Slow ceiling fan 

Saxophone 

What else?

My Amazing Podcast Appearances

My thinking was, if I put all these bastards together, I’ll feel like I’ve done something.

Ghost Town: Five Haunted Tales

Just in time for Halloween, Rebecca Leib and Jason Horton invited me to share a TRUE spooky Portland story on their podcast!

Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone

I’ve been a fan of Paula Poundstone since forever, and it was an honor to be in the room with her.  Did I get to finish a story, or even a thought? Maybe not.  But it was awesome to see her brain work.

Jordan, Jesse, Go!

I got to hang out with the world’s two coolest guys on a legendary podcast!  We talk about goths, Smashmouth, and dino toys.  Like usual!

Jordan, Jesse, Go, Part 2!

I’m always glad to pop in on my two favorite dorks and talk about draculas, Bad Venom, Godzilla, and Halloween! 

The Dork Forest!

I terrify the hilarious and knowledgeable Jackie Kashian with my return to the Dork Forest to talk all things Labyrinth!

Bleak In Review!

A pair of  white guys (Matt Brousseau and Kevin Anderson) invite two guests a week to chat about everything and nothing at all.  In this episode, they make endless Warren Zevon jokes and I let everyone know that cannibalism is OK, and that one time I ate eggs from a chicken I know. Then, we meet a Teen Wolf who is on the verge of becoming a Woman Wolf!

Hang Out With Me!

My darling friend Myq Kaplan had me and Eliza Rickman on to talk about music and comedy and whatnot!

The Goods from the Woods

Rivers Langley had me over to talk Lyft, rat traps, and Psychic TV.

The Goods From The Woods: Concept Albums

What is a concept album?  Where do they come from?  The answer may surprise you!  Rivers Langley and Pat Reilly have me back on GftW to discuss!

Who’s Your God?

Amy Miller, Steve Hernandez, and John-Michael Bond have me over to discuss witches, Plano, Mormonism, et al.

Probably Science

Andy Wood and Matt Kirshen have this science based podcast called Probably Science, and they let me be on it one time!

CRUSHED! with Sarah Morisano

Like all the greatest supervillains, I share with a podcaster the truth that would most embarrass me.

How to Be a Person

The amazing Mike Drucker and I hash out how to be happy through self-delusion!

Moby Flicks

Me and my college roommate and her friend have a talk about the ins and outs of Alex Cox’s Sid and Nancy!

Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction 1

Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction

Bryan Cook made up this dirty, funny show where we write erotic fan fiction on the spot, and then he podcasts it so my family can be ashamed of me!  Hooray!

Put Your Hands Together!

The incredibly famous Put Your Hands Together with Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher from the UCB theatre!

Put Your Hands Together, 2!

I got to be on another episode of PYHT!

Sorry About Your Dad 

International superstar and Last Comic Standing ass-kicker Amy Miller asked me over to talk about the fact that our dads are both dead!  (This podcast is no longer up, Amy told me she realized that it was a huge bummer as a concept and she didn’t know why she was doing it, when the answer is that we are all nuts!)

Lady 2 Lady

Maximum Fun podcast Lady 2 Lady had me over to shoot the shit and for some reason talk about toilets a lot with Barbara Gray, Tess Barker, and Brandie Posey!

Ep. 9: Books by Andy Weir, Tracy Hammond, Douglas Adams & Mark Carwardine are discussed by comedians Matt Kirshen, Virginia Jones, and author Tracy Hammond.

Cornelius Peter does a podcast called Book Me, Please about books we’ve read, and in some cases, written!  I got to be on it with my friend Matt Kirshen!

Me Three!

Me Three, a podcast with Darci “Kittenpants” Ratliff and Lisa Beth “No Pants” Johnson

The Ugly Angels

In 2009, I was on a now long-mothballed podcast called The Ugly Angels!  History!

Dork Forest

I was so excited to be on Jackie Kashian’s Dork Forest in 2009, thanks to Joe Wilson!

Simon LeBon’s Astonishing DNA Test

My daughter, Saffron, gave me a genetics kit for my birthday this year, and I know it’s a bit cheesy but in the tradition of middle aged dads everywhere, I’ve been working up the old family tree. 

 I’m pleased to have found a great many writers and poets in my bloodline!

The First LeBon

  The first LeBon arrived in London in the big Huguenot emigration of the 1590’s, and published the Elizabethan period poem below:

Thou has se’en me– stood’st at the corner of thy street

And O!  A fire makes for flashes on thy stone sill

To be solitary pleases you not

So thou wouldst seek out pleasure

And sooth- thou would knows’t wherefore and whyfore 

Nay, pray not for me today

Prithee, pray for me on the morrow–  Francois LeBon

American LeBon

Next, I found an American whose family settled in Louisiana.  We have a great-great grandfather in common.  He loved the SF beat poetry scene so much he moved out there in 1953. 

Antoine LeBon wrote the following,  published in a zine called Street Poems in 1957:

I finally bugged out yesterday

Couldn’t peep my hillside pad

Maybe I’ll head there in a year

Maybe I won’t

I can feel you diggin’ on me, cat, day and night

I’m hep to it, the art and incantations

I dig it, it’s a gas

There’s a dream, a fantasy maybe

Stringing down this road we call our home

There’s shards of glass everywhere

It cuts me, cuts me deep, and finally I say 

Hey man, hip me to it

What do I gotta know? 

Japanese LeBon

Perhaps strangest of all is a British girl whose family moved to Japan in the 30’s, and who wrote pretty little haiku like this one, this is Belleanne LeBon from her school poetry journal:

Cherry blossom lips

Smear in a line as she falls

Into blue water

Amazing stuff.  I showed it to Yasmin and said, look, babe, we’ve always been poets and she said, love, you’re not a poet, you’re just a clotheshorse who got lucky.

Well, I’ll add more if I find more!

‘Til then- Simon

My Lunatic Love: A Silverlake Coyote

coyote in silverlake

This is a coyote that hangs out behind a 24 hour diner in Silverlake.

He has a tracking collar on and he’s been tagged, because science wants to know where to find him. He’s easy to find because he’s usually behind the 24 hour diner. He hangs out at the back door early mornings with the attitude of a dog waiting for his breakfast. I think he gets a lot of snacks from them. A couple of days ago, I walked my little dog by and the coyote was there. It was awkward because it’s like seeing the guy you flirt with at a party you’re at with your boyfriend, and also the guy you flirt with could potentially eat your boyfriend.

I think whenever his coyote ticket is punched and he goes to coyote heaven, he will show off to all the other dead coyotes about how many friends he had feeding him, and that makes me glad. Watching him take off from the lot, tail held high, with something delicious in his chops is an awesome sight.