Life in HOLLYWOOD

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The audition call asked for 50’s style glamour queens who would be mean to their worshipful boyfriends, and specified plus-sized. This is my jam. I frequently get calls for big booty ladies. Totally fine.  I would love to be a big booty dominatrix in a video.

The director (of the music video) is half of a popular absurdist Adult Swim comedy duo whose name rhymes with Merrick Chairheim, and I thought it would be pretty cool to work for him.

They asked actresses to be prepared to audition in lingerie, which is again, fine.

I went to the waiting room and waited with five other bodacious ladies, most bigger than me, one smaller but very pinup looking in her overall look.

One girl goes in and comes out and reports to the group, uh, they want you to bend over and they film your butt. So we all kind of process that, and another girl leaves. I stay because I’m more curious than ever. I’ve seen Merrick’s video for Pon the Floor and it’s very funny/surreal but it has a lot of butts in it.

One lady leaves halfway through her audition. I said, what is it? And she said, I couldn’t do that, man.  She walks out before I find out what she couldn’t do.  Is it the same thing that Meatloaf couldn’t do?

So it’s my turn, I’m in a room with four dudes and they say, we want to show you the concept art so we don’t waste each other’s time, and they show me paintings of large women sitting on dude’s faces, and they ask, hey, are you cool with this? And I said, am I cool with making porn? And they said, no, it’s not porn. And I said, well, I’m ok with simulated sex, you know, acting, but what is simulated about this? And one guy says, well, there’ll be a dental dam in between you.

What?

I ask, if I have sex with a condom, isn’t that sex? I need to have pants between me and a stranger’s face.

This whole conversation is dumb anyway, because the reason I wanted to be in this video with Famous Ironic Misogynist is so I could put it in my reel, and I don’t think a clip of me riding face is going to get me the acting work I want.

I see today that they’ve “extended casting” to get some more “adventurous ladies”, because they had a lot of fallout.  If anyone’s listening, I suggest you change the below to read “Park your naked keister on a dude’s face.”  There’s plenty of porn actresses that would be delighted to do it, for their day rate!  Don’t cheap out, cheap-os!  Hollywood!

Adventures in Lyft #202041:

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I had a short drive with a Thai dude this morning and after a brief chat, I asked him-

Me:OK, I’ve been to Bangkok but I only know sa wa dee ka, hello, and kop-khun ka, thank you. Will you teach me another expression in Thai?
Him: How do you know I am Thai?
Me: Your name has thirty letters in it and most of them are k’s and t’s. Will you teach me to say “good-bye?”
Him: OK, I’ll teach you the formal one: it’s Chan rak khun.
Me: OK, I know khun.
Him: That means you.
Me: OK, cool, so it’s like “goodbye to you”. Like the Scandal song.
Him: Yes, lemme hear you say it.
Me: Chan..rak..khun!
Him: That’s very good!
Me: Thank you! Here’s your destination! Kop khun and chan rak khun!
Him: You’re welcome and I love you too!
Me: Dying laughing. That asshole.

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Lyft Update #340501: The Time A Girl Wanted to Break Up with her Fella because he used Lyft Line:

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Picked up a nice drunk couple from a bar, they were on a Lyft Line so I headed to pick up the next person.

Girl: You’re going the wrong way.
Me: Oh, we’re gonna go pick up Nicole real quick!
Girl: Who the fuck is Nicole?
Guy: Oh, honey, I did Lyft Line
Girl: What the fuck is Lyft Line?
Guy: It’s like Uber Pool.
Me: Save a couple bucks, reduce traffic!
Girl: You cheap FUCK.
Guy: Hon, are you really mad? We’re not in a hurry…
(a few moments pass, we talk about other stuff, having fun)
Girl: Why are you going east?
Me: We’re…gonna pick up Nicole real quick?
Girl: Who the fuck is Nicole?
Me: She’s..the next rider on the Lyft line?
Girl: What the fuck is Lyft Line? She sounds, sorry to say this, like a c*nt.
Guy: Um…don’t say c*nt?
Girl: And you can ignore him. He’s never even been in a threeway. I’ve been in like thirty.
Me: That sounds like a real calling!
Girl: Plus, he’s the only dude I’ve dated who hasn’t wanted to move in after six months! What the fuck is that?
Guy: Uh.
Me: (Trying to lighten the mood) Well, those other dudes were codependents! I’ve dated guys for six months before I put their names in my phone!
Girl: WHAT the FUCK are you SAYING I want to GET OUT
Me: Oh, here’s Nicole!
Girl: Hi Nicole, where are you going?
Nicole: To No Vacancy!
Girl: Oh cool that’s a cool place to go to get fucked by a 27 year old guy with no job
Nicole: OK?
Me: Ok, you guys are almost to your destination!
Girl: I don’t wanna go to his house. Can you drop me at my house (gives address)
Me: Well…I can’t actually change destination on lyft line, because, you know, we have to head near where Nicole is going.
Girl: You cheap fuck!
Me: (Last attempt at humor) No fighting in the cab!
Girl: I don’t want to go to his house EVER AGAIN!
Guy: (whispering) are you serious right now?
Girl: FUCK YOU YOU CHEAP JEW FUCK. AND FUCK THIS DRIVER. AND NICOLE THERE’S BAR LUBITSCH IT’S A GREAT PLACE TO GET FUCKED BY A RUSSIAN DUDE.
Nicole: I don’t think I’m looking for that.
Me: (silence)
Me: (SFX screeching brakes) OK here you are! Thanks so much!
(They get out, fighting because she wants to break up with him for doing rideshare)
Nicole: What the fuck was that
Me: Sorry, I know!

Confidential to Aaron: You’re a nice dude and I think you can do better!

When “sup” is not enough and “screw you pig” doesn’t work: How To Talk To Women Online

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This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message from the same guy, and we discovered it was the same message.


Sometimes my friends and readers ask me questions for Love.tv that they think I might have fun answering, or that, god forbid, they actually want my answers to, so many thanks to my anonymous friend Zeke Shandy for this excellent question:

“After ten years of internet dating, I’m still, I guess, awful at it.  How do I break the ice with a woman online?”

There are as many different approaches to this as there are women in the world, but I’d like to offer some advice based on my own internet dating experiences.  Not showing off, but I’ve been single a lot.  Lots and lots.

OKCupid released a study last year claiming it’s a numbers game, and the best bet for men is to send as many messages as possible, and that blasting “Hey, how are you?” to five hundred women will get more first responses than spending the same time to actually try to connect with fifty women.  I find this lazy and ineffectual: the message of a person who is putting forth the absolute minimum effort annoys me.  This also includes “Hey.”  “Howdy.”  “What’s up.”  “How’s your weekend.” This approach employs the math of internet dating: trying to attract as many potential mates as possible so that you can sort through them later, but I am a proponent of an old fashioned idea that you might like someone because you found their personality attractive, and you don’t wish to go on 500 dates with people who just ask how your weekend was.

I also don’t like when a message seems cut-and-pasted- although again, statistically, this is not supposed to matter.   This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message from the same guy, and we discovered it was the same message.  Guys, I know the internet makes it feel like there are infinite numbers of single women to talk to, but there aren’t, and we talk to each other.   She called him on it and he said I’m sorry, I have to send too many messages to women, I can’t write them all individually.  Well, perhaps our bots can date?

Check out these do’s and don’ts!

DO: Mention what made you smile in her profile.

This is lots easier on sites like OK Cupid and Match.com with its questions and essays than it is on Tinder or other visual-based apps- where it’s easy to make initial connections, but hard to maintain ‘em.  After you’ve established that you’re both people who love standing in front of painted angel wings, where do you go from there?  Get her talking about an interest you have in common!

DON’T: Write a five paragraph essay mentioning your thoughts on every single thing in her profile

– this feels slightly stalkery and also responding to it will feel like work.  Keep in mind that we’re all probably tapping out responses on phones while waiting in line for coffee, so thoughtful brevity is good!

DO: Make it clear that you’d like to connect with her.

I get a lot of super non-committal messages.  If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t.  If asking me out feels like work, don’t do it.  Easy!

DO: Ask her out if you enjoy talking to her, and feel like she is responsive to you.

After a couple of days of back-and-forth, I’ll stop responding just because I’m a person with a finite amount of time on this earth and I can’t spend it telling twenty people how my weekend was.  Try and make an assessment in a day or two and ask if she’d like to meet.

DON’T: Get mad if she doesn’t want to give you her phone number.

I’ve had a ton of trouble with this, because I think guys think it protects them from being catfished- but if I haven’t met you, I don’t feel safe giving you my number.  Please respect that and don’t #notallmen me.  I know not all men will text with crazy abuse, but it only took one to change my policy.

DO: Be positive and fun.

If you’ve just started talking to someone, it might feel fun to immediately talk about the terrible experiences you’ve had on the dating scene, or how you specifically DON’T like something in her profile- but I don’t know where to go from there.  There’s so many ways to make a conversation fun, so try one of them!

GIVE SOMETHING TO GET SOMETHING: Starting a conversation is awkward.

Try and ask a question that you’d be interested in hearing the answer to, and then write something back when she responds!  If you just respond to her last message “GOOD”, or “OK” or “bathroom”, don’t be surprised when you don’t hear back.

DON’T mention her attractiveness:

I know you think you’re being flattering, but I assume if you’re writing me, you think I’m attractive.  Having a stranger dwell on your looks is off-putting.

DON’T start with sexy talk:

Attention that’s very welcome from someone you’ve met and are interested in is not welcome from a stranger.  I know my friend Zeke wouldn’t do it, and you shouldn’t either.  I know it feels like a compliment to tell a lady you’re thinking about motorboating them tits, but it isn’t.

I know internet dating is hard.  I know it can feel like work.  I know it’s hard to appear interested and share a little of yourself with another person, but I think that’s the only way to get any good out of it- ultimately, we’re all here to connect and learn and have good experiences!  Good luck, Zeke!

Anyone with a question can DM me on Facebook or Twitter, where I am @badiniadones!

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/how-do-i-talk-to-a-girl-in-2016-the-internet-edition/3/#sthash.ndChtkQI.dpuf

10 Years In!

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Today is my 10th anniversary of stepping onstage at the Boiler Room with  Andy Wood, Gabe Dinger, Kevin Michael Moore, Bobby Hacker, Kyle Harbert, Jimmy Newstetter, Randy Mendez and Richard Bain.

I moved to Los Angeles four years ago, firmly believing that I was pretty much done developing as a comedian, and I was totally not right, and I’m totally glad. Unfortunately, I have just gotten weirder, more idiosyncratic, and less marketable. Here’s me two years in.

 

 

Here’s my lid-blower post about my first time: http://www.badinia.com/index.php/2006/05/30/one-down-999-to-go/