I am a huge fan of Jackie Kashian and Laurie Kilmartin and of their incredible insider/outsider comedy podcast. I am beyond tickled to be this week’s featured comic and demand to be referred to as “Jackie and Laurie Show Comic of the Week Virginia Jones” henceforth. Also, listen to their show! NOW!
I always wanted to do a set on Bobcat’s show, and I was so glad Caitlin asked me to. It’s one of my favorite shows and now it’s gone forever, but I have tape of Bobcat hugging me, thanks to superfriend Dax Jordan.
The amazingly funny comic Lisa Best maintains a list of women comics on her website, as a counter to both the assertions that women aren’t funny or that there aren’t very many funny women. I am picking up her practice because I think it’s awesome. This is a list of women who I personally find to be hilarious. It is ever growing and one day I will link all their websites. Check any or all of them out.
THE FORMER LATTER DAY SAINT WITH VIRGINIA JONES: CHOOSE YOUR OWN RELIGION
THE FORMER LATTER DAY SAINT WITH VIRGINIA JONES
POSTED ON July 02 2017
Virginia Jones chooses her own religion! Virginia is a comedian from Portland, OR who came to talk about growing up Mormon. She lays out some of the weirder parts of Mormon theology, what South Park and Book of Mormon got right and wrong, and we also talk about comedy and relationships. Check out Virginia’s album “Gothic American Live!” on iTunes and follow her on Twitter @badiniadones and Instagram @badinia!
Hi, my name is Virginia Jones and I’m a comedian and writer. I made a girlfriend six years ago who was beautiful and smart and kind and fun to be with, and at one point she told me she was a still a virgin in her late 20s, and I was pretty surprised. In the years since we met, she has transitioned into non-virginity, and she agreed to sit down and talk with me about it. Historically, virginity has been so important in religion, in vampire lore, and in marriage, but now it doesn’t seem as significant, and I wondered what her thoughts were on the topic. In this interview, I’m calling myself by my initials, VJ, and I’m calling her Unicorn Charmer, because in Medieval times it was said that a unicorn would only lay his head in a virgin’s lap.
VJ: At what age did you lose your virginity?
UC: I was 30. When did you lose yours?
VJ: I was 15, which at the time I felt was ancient and now I am totally grossed out by. When I see 15 year olds, I think, well, these are children.
UC: Oh myyyy.
VJ: How many partners have you had since then?
UC: I’ve had five sex partners — spread out over the past five years. Two long-term boyfriends, three shorter term. You?
VJ: Some multiple of that. Have you ever had a one night stand?
UC: I tried to have one in Europe with a sexy European man, but he kept in touch and it became an affair that kept going for a while — so I still haven’t successfully had one. I guess I maybe had one with someone I had been in love with forever — but that feels more like a continuation of our friendship. Once I had sex for the first time, he was someone I wanted to circle back and have sex with.
VJ: What was the original motivation for keeping your virginity, and did that change?
UC: I was raised in a very conservative Baptist household and was definitely taught that sex was for married people, and lots of scary stuff about STDs. When a boy first kissed me, I was quite sure I had AIDS. I was engaged for three years starting at 19, and when that engagement ended, I decided, well, I don’t have to be married, but I’d like to have sex with someone who loves me and who I love back. So, that only took… another seven years.
VJ: That’s a minute.
UC: It was. It wasn’t all the guys’ fault. I’m sometimes… fickle.
VJ: Have you ever lost partners or relationships because you didn’t want to have coitus?
UC: None of them ever admitted it, but looking back, I think, yeah. I think it’s not something you want to say is the reason.
VJ: It’s not a good look. Do you regret anything about waiting?
UC: I don’t regret my age or the timing when I lost my virginity — but I would have liked my first to be a different person?
VJ: Why is that?
UC: I thought he loved me and that he was the right partner, but it turned out that he wasn’t faithful and didn’t care for me the way I thought he did. Later, I felt like I was a conquest. It seemed like the right person at the time, but looking back, could have been better
VJ: I think most of us feel that way.
UC: Ha! But I don’t regret waiting, either. All I missed over the years was sex with people who weren’t in love with me, which I feel is missable.
VJ: What are some positive responses people have had to your sex history? UC: Women have been 100 percent positive, girlfriends all think it’s great. Lots of men, friends and ex-boyfriends have been respectful of my decision. One man I did sleep with said it made him feel extra special. Which he is! “I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl”
VJ: What is something that you changed your mind about after having sex?
UC: Strangely, I have changed my feelings about oral sex, which for years was my main sexual activity — now it seems VERY intimate and kind of more precious than sex — like, I can have intercourse with someone way before oral sex. I have to trust them more.
VJ: I’ve heard that’s the feeling a lot of millennials have, that sex with a condom you can have with anyone, but oral sex is more intimate. It’s the opposite of when I was growing up. What were you surprised about after the first time you had sex?
UC: I thought it would be really bloody and painful, and it wasn’t. I was surprised that it wasn’t actually that big a deal — I wasn’t a different person, I wasn’t transformed in one way or another — it was strange, I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl, and I had to figure out who I was again!
VJ: Ha! Right, part of our worth as a woman is your sexual purity — It gives you the idea that you will be a different person once you have sex, but you’re not. Like a button is pressed and POOF you are a different being.
UC: I guess so! But I just had to train myself out of thinking of myself in relation to what I hadn’t done, and think about myself in the context of what I have.
VJ: Have you had any negative feedback on staying a virgin for longer?
UC: Unfortunately, yeah- it usually gets thrown in my face by partners or men when they’re angry with me or want to hurt me? Stuff about I’m frigid or not normal or can’t come during sex, which I can — Lots of men want to tell me that because I waited, I’m gonna have hang-ups or other issues, that I’ll never be normal in bed.
VJ: That’s cruddy.
UC: It is. One guy in particular has hit that one same note over and over, that I’m not normal, normal people just hook up a lot and don’t put a lot of importance on sex, but you know, I know those people, and they don’t seem that happy to me.
VJ: Maybe not.
UC: And I know that I’m worth more than that.
VJ: Well, I think everyone is worth more, both women and men. But we believe what people tell us, which is that the only thing available to us is hookup sex, so we’d better take it, or get nothing. (laughs)
UC: Ha! Right. “I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.”
VJ: What were you relieved about when you lost your virginity?
UC: I was honestly glad not to worry about it anymore. Also…Oh, god…
UC: I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.
UC: Well, I wasn’t sure.
VJ: Well, how could you be? Thank you for sharing your sex history with me, babe. The Unicorn Charmer has just ended a serious relationship and is currently out meeting new dates and potential partners in her new city, and is having fun, mostly!
Recently, I was staying over with my best girlfriend and we were getting ready for a night out together, like we were in high school. (We are not in high school, or, at least, I’m not. I wouldn’t ask her age, because that’s rude, but she never seems to do any homework, and she drinks, so she’s either an adult or a bad student.)
“And I haven’t waxed my bush in weeks, so, you know” she said, pulling a high ponytail through an elastic, “that keeps me from going home with anyone.”
I couldn’t keep my face from scrunching up as I asked her, “What? Why?”
“Oh, you know…”she said, “I just wouldn’t want anyone to see it like that.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“You know. It’s a mess.”
“Well, you know,” I replied, a little annoyed, “my bush is so old-school it once beat Billie Jean King at tennis, and nobody has ever complained about it.” She looked at me with a look of shock and disbelief, but it’s true. I’ve been naked in front of lots of people, I mean a lot, (sorry mom), and the response to my hair has either been positive or no stated opinion, according to the exit polls.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Body hair is 100% a personal decision and whatever you choose to do with it is A-OK, but there was a cultural moment when it felt compulsory- I understand that if you do sex work, deforestation is part of the uniform, but does every barista and blogger HAVE to go full Vin Diesel? But it is, no pun intended- a touchy subject.
In the 1900’s, only art models and prostitutes (and let’s face it- many times the same people) got rid of their pubic hair, and because of this, the pre-Raphaelite artist John Ruskin was totally unprepared for his wife’s hair on their wedding night and was unable to perform sexually. She went crying to a doctor, was told that she was perfectly normal and lovely, and left her unconsummated marriage and married another painter friend of his who thought her pubis was nice.
It’s been in vogue for so long, it seems like the Brazilian has always been the dominant geographic region affecting our areas-but the fact, Americans left their sites untouched for years and years, until the bikini was introduced in the 50’s. The swimsuit was named after the A-bomb testing site in the Bikini Atoll, and it was like a bomb was dropped on natural bush.
In the 70’s, women burned their bras and let themselves grow free, but in the 80’s we had maillot one-pieces and Donna Karan bodysuits and women adopted the “landing strip” look- flattering for lots of fashions, but still delineating one from a prepubescent. Hard-edged, graphic, it was probably what the ladies in the Nagel drawings had, if we ever saw a naked one.