Vegetabletarian!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in Uncategorized

 

Hey, so I stopped eating meat 30 years ago today and this is what I’ve learned:

If you tell people you had to stop eating meat for health reasons, because you were gonna die if you didn’t stop, that will make them feel better and less mad at you than if you say it’s for moral reasons, which makes them feel bad.

Also Hitler was a sometime vegetarian for health reasons and everyone liked him for it I guess

If you go to someone’s house who eats meat who knows you don’t, they will give you something covered in cheese, because they are not sure what else there is

I have learned that sometimes vegans are strident and annoying but that also sometimes carnivores are strident and annoying and also smell odd

I discourage romantic partners from becoming vegan because when you break up their friends will say how you made them do it and the next time you see them they could be eating a rolled up hamburger patty over a fire and it will be weird

BBQ sauce is still delicious, because it’s really just ketchup and liquid smoke

“Tofurkey” is a spoonerism of Faux Turkey, so you can stop wondering about that

If a business/package/flyer is green, I know it’s probably for vegans, if it’s black it might be for fancy vegans!

I have never, ever, not for one day in the past 30 years, gotten my RDA of protein of 65 grams a day. How am I still alive? God’s will and a miracle I’m sure.

Did you know that every cup in a breakfast place stinks like eggs from the dishwasher? They do!

Did you know that before we had Impossible Burger or garden burger or morningside, we made veggie burgers out of falafel that we made kind of flat?

Did you know that Meat is Murder made me a vegetarian, even though it’s not a very good song and has cow toy noises in it from those little turnover cow things?

Did you know that if a neighborhood has a good coffeeshop, bike lanes, and a vintage store, it must by law have a vegan cafe?

When California was in heavy drought and some restaurants had tabletops suggesting eating vegetarian to save water I laughed I thought I’d die, vegetarians have been saying that for years but we are made out to be pricks for loving almonds

The first vegan I ever met in the world was Derron Pulley, and he ate nothing but fried tofu and brown rice, because we lived in Dallas, and this probably scared me off trying veganism for a decade

Vegetarians think they’re 90% like vegans and vegans think vegetarians are one late lunch from eating cooked ground beef by the handful

Bacon isn’t as funny or as universal a punchline as the internet thinks it is

Everything that the earth makes, that grows from the ground or from the trees is vegan until you start shoving animals into it

Fellow vegetabletarians, what have you learned?

Anniversary!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in Uncategorized

Today is the 12th anniversary of my first open mike, under the expert hosting of Kevin-Michael Moore at the Boiler Room in Portland-

Since then, I’ve been booked lots of places by lots of people, and I’m spending this year in gratitude of all the opportunities I’ve had in this business- from backroom bars to club sets to road rooms, you’ve all given me the spots that molded me and shaped my now inscrutable comic persona. I thank you and appreciate you. Some of these people are famous now. Some are dead. Some quit doing comedy. Some have even left Facebook. But I thank all of ’em. If you belong on this list, please DM me so I can make it even better! And thank you!

Jessa Reed
Susan Rice
Andy Wood
Mary Rae Kim
Rich Miller
Mike Jenkins
Adam Cozens
Nick Cobb
David Tribble
Chris Castles
Ian Karmel
Stacey Hallal
Vance Sanders
Jayk Gallagher
Aaron Ross
Mateen Stewart
Samantha Hale
Whitney Streed
Bryan Cook
Laura House
Josh Fisher
Joe Frice
Tuesday Thomas
Michelle March
Jamie Flam
Ryan Stalder
Nina Daniels
Jim Bruce
Ron Reid
Tamra Brown
Whitmer Alexander Thomas
Paige Wesley
Cameron Esposito
Christian Duguay
Jim Hamilton
Caitlin Gill
Joel Mandelkorn
Bobbie Oliver
Megan Koester
Luisa Diaz
Anna Seregina
Sam Varela
Kate Willett
Patrick Susmilch
Sofiya Alexandra
DNA
Barry Kolin
Dustin Lane
Kyle Harbert
Tristian Spillman
Vince Caldera
Peter Greyy
Gabby Tary
Alex Hooper
JoAnn Schinderle
Melissa McQueen
Jeremy Wheat
Amy Miller
Lydia Popovitch
Halie Wilson
Pat Wilson
Dax Jordan
Teddy Margas
Joe Quint
Tamra Brown
Pat Dean
Seth Lazear
Emmett Montgomery
Brendan K. O’Grady
Cornelius Peter
Nicole Blaine
Josh Filipowski
Danielle Perez
Madison Shepard
Susanna Lee Lucky-Deluxe
Ed Galvez
Christiana Morgenroth
Nicole Calasich
Jeff May
Joshy Fadem
Andy Iwancio
Brian Cox
Nadav Fleischer
Oscar Sagastume
Alexandra Karova
Jonathan Bradley Welch
Forrest Jackson
Solange Castro
Jeff Snyder
Ellory Smith
Linda Bailey Walsh
Jason Van Glass
Rebecca Leib
Mark Kikel
Mike “Wally” Walters
JC Coccoli
James Fritz
Robyn Morrison
Valerie Tosi
Greg Walloch
Josh Haness
Selene Luna
Todd Masterson
Andy Erickson
Amber Preston
Dwight Slade
Wesley Doloris
Leah Dubie
Bradley Edward
Steve Hernandez
Jim Coughlin
Ron Lynch
Matt Gubser
Andrew Holmgren
Vahé Hove
Molly Fite
Barbara Holm
Rick Taylor
Dave Rankin
Anna Hossnieh
Juan Canopii
Carmen Garrison
Leigh Anne Jasheway
Keith Wallan
Ron Osborne
Dylan Kasprzyk
Aaron Flett
Seth Milstein
Mykle Hansen
Junior High
Laura Hayden
Chuck Watkins
Dave Sirus
Lizzy Pilcher
Steve Benaquist
Paul Danke
Mike O’Connell
Ryan Conner
Jim Hegarty
Joe Manente
Brodie Kelly
Katie Low Strandberg
John Silver
Monique Madrid
David Sharp
Julia Prescott
Andy Sell
Jon Fox
Janine Brito
Sean Joyce
Tony Camin
Kevin Kataoka
Maria Shehata
Brianna Murphy
Chris Riggins
Sunah Bilsted
John Pridmore
Eman El Husseini
Brandie Posey
Olivia Haidar
Gabe Dinger
Phoebe Bottoms
Matt Lewis
Dave Child
Aubrey Jacobowitz
Merrill Davis
Meg Swertlow
Tess Barker
Erin Lampart
Adrienne Airhart
Mikey Scott
Ameen Belbahri
Josh Di Donato
Peter Pinchi
Gloria De Leon
Dante Rusciolelli
Seantos McDonald
Anthony Lopez
The Dan Cossette
Joe Starr
Clownvis
Erin Judge
Natasha Muse
Conrad Roth
Derrick Lemos
Cat Alvarado
Belinda Carroll
Jeff Zamaria
Lisa Best
Brady Echerer
Lee Hinton
Tobie Seth
Azealia Snail
Dan Collins
Erika Abdelatif
Matt Styner
Laurel Pear
Avery Moore
Danny Felts
Sky Grady
April Wolfe
Jay Wendell Walker
Mark Saltveit
Kevin Hyder
Jameson Gong
Christine Nichols
Charles Disney
Barry Neal
Jesse Alison
Bri Pruett
Sarah Dorfmann
Eric Yoder
Barbara Holliday
RuthAnne Haber
Kelly Chambers
Christie Nicholls Nittrouer

Jackie Kashian’s Dork Forest!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in Uncategorized

I got you an episode of the legendary Dork Forest Podcast with Jackie Kashian, whom I inundate with Labyrinth trivia and try to help figure out the difference between David Bowie and Billy Idol. I love her, I love Labyrinth, and I love all of you. I name check Melissa Hansson and Jemiah Jefferson in this episode! Check it out: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-dork-forest/id210939624?mt=2&i=1000402149479

Jackie and Laurie Rule!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in Uncategorized

I am a huge fan of Jackie Kashian and Laurie Kilmartin and of their incredible insider/outsider comedy podcast. I am beyond tickled to be this week’s featured comic and demand to be referred to as “Jackie and Laurie Show Comic of the Week Virginia Jones” henceforth. Also, listen to their show! NOW!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-jackie-and-laurie-show/id1071731361?mt=2

My Funny Valentines

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, feminism, Uncategorized

The amazingly funny comic Lisa Best maintains a list of women comics on her website, as a counter to both the assertions that women aren’t funny or that there aren’t very many funny women. I am picking up her practice because I think it’s awesome. This is a list of women who I personally find to be hilarious.  It is ever growing and one day I will link all their websites.  Check any or all of them out.

LISA BEST

CAITLIN WEIERHAUSER

BONNIE MCFARLANE

APARNA NANCHERLA

JACKIE KASHIAN

MARIA BAMFORD

NATASHA LEGGERO

BRANDIE POSEY

PAIGE WELDON

AMY SCHUMER

KATHLEEN MADIGAN

RHEA BUTCHER

JANINE BRITO

PAULA POUNDSTONE

CAMERON ESPOSITO

KATE BERLANT

RYLEE NEWTON

BETH STELLING

RITA RUDNER

ELIZA SKINNER

LEAH KAYAJANIAN

ERIN FOLEY

MORGAN MURPHY

RACHEL FEINSTEIN

EMILY HELLER

REBECCA CORRY

LISA LAMPANELLI

MARINA FRANKLIN

WENDI STARLING

AMBER TOZER

KRISTEN SCHAAL

FORTUNE FEIMSTER

CHELSEA HANDLERAISHA TYLER

JANEANE GAROFOLO

ALI WONG

BRETT BUTLER

LAURIE KILMARTIN

JEN KIRKMAN

EMILY MAYA MILLS

KAREN KILGARIFF

SHARON HOUSTON

MONIKA SCOTT

LAURA KIGHTLINGER

MARGARET CHO

WANDA SYKES

WHOOPI GOLDBERG

MO WELCH

SARAH SILVERMAN

TIG NOTARO

TAMMY PESCATELLI

KIRA SOLTANOVICH

DEBRA DIGIOVANNI

CAITLIN GILL

CANDY LAWRENCE

BARBARA HOLM

SUSANNA LEE

STACEY HALLAL

DANIELLE PEREZ

MADISON SHEPARD

LAURA HOUSE

ANDY ERIKSON

DANA EAGLE

ADRIENNE AIRHART

ERIN LAMPART

AMY MILLER

JOANN SCHINDERLE

SAM JAY

AMBER PRESTON

MICHELLE BILOON

EMMA WILLMAN

OLIVIA HAIDAR

MAGGIE MAYE

IRENE TU

MARLENA RODRIGUEZ

MEGAN KOESTER

KYLE MIZONO

SUSAN JONES

KLEE WIGGINS

DINA NINA MARTINEZ

ALLISON MICK

KATE WILLETT

CANDICE THOMPSON

SARA SCHAEFER

CHRISTINA WALKINSHAW

CLAIRE BROSSEAU

VALERIE TOSI

MARCELLA ARGUELLO

LEAH DUBIE

CAT RHINEHART

MARIA SHEHATA

KRISTEN STUDARD

JENNY ZIGRINO

JULIA PRESCOTT

LYDIA POPOVICH

BARBARA GRAY

ERIN LENNOX

LIZZY COOPERMAN

HEATHER TURMAN

CALISE HAWKINS

PHOEBE ROBINSON

LAURA CRAWFORD

LIZZY PILCHER

KAT YEARY

JESSICA MICHELLE SINGLETON

DANIELLE RADFORD

HEATHER THOMSON

EVER MAINARD

ALISON STEVENSON

ANNA SEREGINA

TESS BARKER

NAOMI EKPERIGIN

KELLY ANNEKEN

SAMANTHA GILWEIT

KATHLEEN MCGEE

NATASHA MUSE

How Mormonism Made Me Atheist:

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in Uncategorized
The Former Latter Day Saint with Virginia Jones

THE FORMER LATTER DAY SAINT WITH VIRGINIA JONES: CHOOSE YOUR OWN RELIGION

THE FORMER LATTER DAY SAINT WITH VIRGINIA JONES

POSTED ON July 02 2017

Virginia Jones chooses her own religion! Virginia is a comedian from Portland, OR who came to talk about growing up Mormon. She lays out some of the weirder parts of Mormon theology, what South Park and Book of Mormon got right and wrong, and we also talk about comedy and relationships. Check out Virginia’s album “Gothic American Live!” on iTunes and follow her on Twitter @badiniadones and Instagram @badinia!

 

The Former Latter Day Saint with Virginia Jones