The amazingly funny comic Lisa Best maintains a list of women comics on her website, as a counter to both the assertions that women aren’t funny or that there aren’t very many funny women. I am picking up her practice because I think it’s awesome. This is a list of women who I personally find to be hilarious. It is ever growing and one day I will link all their websites. Check any or all of them out.
Buckle in for some magical ride oversharing.
Like a lot of LA denizens, I write and act and also drive passengers for Lyft rideshare. I meet all kinds of people with all kinds of love lives, which many times they tell me about. Here’s a selection of lessons I have learned from my passengers.
The Ride With The Puppy
Dude gets in the car holding a pink box and a puppy, but looking sad.
Me: Oh wow! A box of donuts and a puppy! Are you gonna make someone’s morning or what?
Sad dude: well, I wanted to, but she threw the donuts back in my face.
Sad dude: and the puppy. She also threw the puppy in my face.
Me: I’m sorry, man.
Puppy whines slightly.
Lesson: Sometimes even donuts and a puppy won’t save you. If that’s the case, either it’s too far gone or you’re just not a good match. You’ve tried the nuclear option and it’s time to move on, but do raise that puppy.
The Ride With Nicole
Picked up a drunk couple from a bar, they were on a Lyft Line so I headed to pick up the next person.
Girl: You’re going the wrong way.
Me: Oh, we’re gonna go pick up Nicole real quick!
Girl: Who is Nicole?
Guy: Oh, honey, I did Lyft Line.
Girl: What’s Lyft Line?
Guy: It’s like Uber Pool.
Me: Save a couple bucks, reduce traffic!
Girl: You cheap F**K.
Guy: Hon, are you really mad? We’re not in a hurry…
A few moments pass, she seems to forget about it, we talk about other stuff.
Girl: Why are you going east?
Me: We’re…gonna pick up Nicole real quick?
Girl: Who the f**k is Nicole?
Me: She’s… The next rider on the Lyft line?
Girl: What’s Lyft Line? She sounds, sorry to say this, like a c*nt.
Guy: Um… don’t say c*nt?
Girl: And you can ignore him. He’s never even been in a three-way. I’ve been in like 30.
Me: That sounds like a real calling!
Girl: Plus, he’s the only dude I’ve dated who hasn’t wanted to move in after six months! What the f**k is that?
Me: (Trying to lighten the mood) Well, I’ve dated guys for six months before I put their names in my phone!
Girl: WHAT are you SAYING I want to GET OUT.
Me: Oh, here’s Nicole!
Girl: Hi Nicole, where are you going?
Nicole: To No Vacancy!
Girl: Oh cool that’s a cool place to go to get f**ked by a 27-year-old white guy with no job
Me: Ok, you guys are almost to your destination!
Girl: I don’t wanna go to his house. Can you drop me at my house (gives address)
Me: Well… I can’t actually change destination on Lyft line, because, you know, we have to head near where Nicole is going.
Girl: You cheap f**k!
Me: (Last attempt at humor)No fighting in the cab!
Girl: I don’t want to go to his house EVER AGAIN!
Guy: (whispering) are you serious right now?
Girl: AND NICOLE THERE’S BAR LUBITSCH IT’S A GREAT PLACE TO GET F**KED BY A RUSSIAN DUDE.
Nicole: I don’t think I’m looking for that.
Me: (screeching brakes) OK here you are! Thanks so much!
(They get out, fighting because she wants to break up with him)
Nicole: What was that
Me: Sorry, I know!
Lesson: If you’re a nice guy and she walks all over you, she’s not worth being with. If she loves you, she’s gotta love your spend thrift ways!
The Ride With The Lyft Valentine
My first ride of the day was a lady who grumbled a little when I told her happy Valentine’s day.
Lady: Sheesh. Not for me. I just broke up with my dude of three years.
Me: That sucks, man. I’m sorry.
Lady: Yeah, my girlfriend banged him, so they both suck.
Me: They do, they suck. That sucks.
Lady: And the incredible thing is, this is her second time pulling this shit! Like, there are so many dudes, why can’t she stop screwing my dudes?
Me: You still kept being her friend after the first time?
Lady: Yeah, well, she said she was sorry and that she wouldn’t do it again.
Lesson: If your girlfriend bangs your boyfriend once, it could be an accident. Twice, it’s a hobby.
The Ride With The Late Night Romancers
I picked up a cute, fairly drunk guy at 2 a.m. in downtown Pasadena, and he gave me an address. We picked up a cute, fairly drunk girl and the magic began.
Guy: Let’s go to [name of bar].
Me: Uh, I think they’re closed, it’s 2 a.m.
Guy: I think it’s open?
Girl: I just think I’m a… real easy going person.
Guy: I know, I know. I try to live in the moment.
Girl: You just… have to.
Me: Guys, this bar is closed.
Guy: (to me) Oh! Let’s go to [restaurant]. Have you ever had a conversation this amazing happen in your cab before?
Me: (dryly) Sure.
Girl: You just came up to me and asked me to dance, and I couldn’t turn you down!
Me: OK, I’m sorry to say this restaurant is also closed.
Girl: I don’t even need to eat. I’m good.
Guy: OK, we’ll just go to In-N-Out and get a shake.
Girl: It’s like, you just… you took down all my roadblocks.
Guy: I know, I know. You told me.
Girl: All my defenses, just gone.
We get to In-N-Out. It is also closed.
Girl: OK, I guess… Take me back to my place?
Guy: Naw, we can get out here.
Girl: Oh… OK?
Guy: My house is right over there. We can hang for a little while and get another car later.
Me: OK, here we are then.
Guy: Isn’t she just so cute?
Me: Yup. Here we are!
Girl: I just can’t believe how strong we vibe on each other.
(Moments pass. They’re just sitting in my car talking)
Me: You guys… Can you go fall in love in someone else’s Lyft?
(I find this hilarious. Nobody thinks it’s as funny as I do.)
Lesson: If dude was in love with you, why is he hitting you up after the bars close? You’re a late night hook up, girl.
The Ride With The Family Man
I pick up a dude who is holding a Starbucks coffee and a phone and looks shell-shocked. He gets into my car and says, “man, you’re gonna hear a conversation that’s kind of intense but I have to have it right now.”
Me: No problem!
Dude: (on phone) Hey, baby, it’s me! You’re pregnant?! I’m so stoked! I mean it, I want to have a baby with you! You didn’t want to tell me? Come on, I’m your man! I’m your DUDE, I’m WITH you! Do you wanna get married, I mean, what’s your mama gonna say? Are you excited? Are you scared? Baby, I love you. I want to get married. I want to have a baby with you. I mean, I’m 40, what the fuck else am I gonna do? I mean it. I love you. I’m coming over. Yeah, I’m in a Lyft. Yeah, my driver is getting an earful. Yeah, it’s magic and it’s real and I can’t wait! I’ll see you soon!
Me: Wow, congratulations man!
Dude: God, I can’t believe it, but man, we were just at my friend’s house and he has this two year old girl and she’s so perfect and we were saying, man, he’s doing it, we can do this, and then she finds out she’s pregnant a week later, I mean, it’s magic time, man!
Me: How long have you guys been dating?
Dude: Six months, but I know, I KNOW this is my lady. But she’s a passionate lady, and we were together this afternoon but she flipped out on me and left, and now I know it’s because she was scared to have this talk. She just found out this morning.
Me: And when did you find out?
Dude: (Crying) She texted me that she was pregnant, and then I called you. I found out literally a minute before you got there.
Me: You can do this, man. This is sometimes how babies come. You can do it. (Also crying)
Dude: Yeah, I mean, I always wanted to be a dad and now we’re gonna do it! I’m scared shitless but I know we’re gonna be great!
Me: Good luck. Be good. Here’s some tissues.
Dude: Five starrrrrs!
Lesson: Sometimes amazing things happen by accident. If you’re with the right person, look in your heart and see if you’re ready to roll with it.
Hi, my name is Virginia Jones and I’m a comedian and writer. I made a girlfriend six years ago who was beautiful and smart and kind and fun to be with, and at one point she told me she was a still a virgin in her late 20s, and I was pretty surprised.
In the years since we met, she has transitioned into non-virginity, and she agreed to sit down and talk with me about it.
Historically, virginity has been so important in religion, in vampire lore, and in marriage, but now it doesn’t seem as significant, and I wondered what her thoughts were on the topic. In this interview, I’m calling myself by my initials, VJ, and I’m calling her Unicorn Charmer, because in Medieval times it was said that a unicorn would only lay his head in a virgin’s lap.
VJ: At what age did you lose your virginity?
UC: I was 30. When did you lose yours?
VJ: I was 15, which at the time I felt was ancient and now I am totally grossed out by. When I see 15 year olds, I think, well, these are children.
UC: Oh myyyy.
VJ: How many partners have you had since then?
UC: I’ve had five sex partners — spread out over the past five years. Two long-term boyfriends, three shorter term. You?
VJ: Some multiple of that. Have you ever had a one night stand?
UC: I tried to have one in Europe with a sexy European man, but he kept in touch and it became an affair that kept going for a while — so I still haven’t successfully had one. I guess I maybe had one with someone I had been in love with forever — but that feels more like a continuation of our friendship. Once I had sex for the first time, he was someone I wanted to circle back and have sex with.
VJ: What was the original motivation for keeping your virginity, and did that change?
UC: I was raised in a very conservative Baptist household and was definitely taught that sex was for married people, and lots of scary stuff about STDs. When a boy first kissed me, I was quite sure I had AIDS. I was engaged for three years starting at 19, and when that engagement ended, I decided, well, I don’t have to be married, but I’d like to have sex with someone who loves me and who I love back. So, that only took… another seven years.
VJ: That’s a minute.
UC: It was. It wasn’t all the guys’ fault. I’m sometimes… fickle.
“I missed sex with people who weren’t in love with me, which I feel is missable.”
VJ: Have you ever lost partners or relationships because you didn’t want to have coitus?
UC: None of them ever admitted it, but looking back, I think, yeah. I think it’s not something you want to say is the reason.
VJ: It’s not a good look. Do you regret anything about waiting?
UC: I don’t regret my age or the timing when I lost my virginity — but I would have liked my first to be a different person?
VJ: Why is that?
UC: I thought he loved me and that he was the right partner, but it turned out that he wasn’t faithful and didn’t care for me the way I thought he did. Later, I felt like I was a conquest. It seemed like the right person at the time, but looking back, could have been better
VJ: I think most of us feel that way.
UC: Ha! But I don’t regret waiting, either. All I missed over the years was sex with people who weren’t in love with me, which I feel is missable.
VJ: What are some positive responses people have had to your sex history?
UC: Women have been 100 percent positive, girlfriends all think it’s great. Lots of men, friends and ex-boyfriends have been respectful of my decision. One man I did sleep with said it made him feel extra special. Which he is!
“I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl”
VJ: What is something that you changed your mind about after having sex?
UC: Strangely, I have changed my feelings about oral sex, which for years was my main sexual activity — now it seems VERY intimate and kind of more precious than sex — like, I can have intercourse with someone way before oral sex. I have to trust them more.
VJ: I’ve heard that’s the feeling a lot of millennials have, that sex with a condom you can have with anyone, but oral sex is more intimate. It’s the opposite of when I was growing up. What were you surprised about after the first time you had sex?
UC: I thought it would be really bloody and painful, and it wasn’t. I was surprised that it wasn’t actually that big a deal — I wasn’t a different person, I wasn’t transformed in one way or another — it was strange, I had built a lot of my self-image on being a virgin, on being that girl, and I had to figure out who I was again!
VJ: Ha! Right, part of our worth as a woman is your sexual purity — It gives you the idea that you will be a different person once you have sex, but you’re not. Like a button is pressed and POOF you are a different being.
UC: I guess so! But I just had to train myself out of thinking of myself in relation to what I hadn’t done, and think about myself in the context of what I have.
VJ: Have you had any negative feedback on staying a virgin for longer?
UC: Unfortunately, yeah- it usually gets thrown in my face by partners or men when they’re angry with me or want to hurt me? Stuff about I’m frigid or not normal or can’t come during sex, which I can — Lots of men want to tell me that because I waited, I’m gonna have hang-ups or other issues, that I’ll never be normal in bed.
VJ: That’s cruddy.
UC: It is. One guy in particular has hit that one same note over and over, that I’m not normal, normal people just hook up a lot and don’t put a lot of importance on sex, but you know, I know those people, and they don’t seem that happy to me.
VJ: Maybe not.
UC: And I know that I’m worth more than that.
VJ: Well, I think everyone is worth more, both women and men. But we believe what people tell us, which is that the only thing available to us is hookup sex, so we’d better take it, or get nothing. (laughs)
UC: Ha! Right.
“I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.”
VJ: What were you relieved about when you lost your virginity?
UC: I was honestly glad not to worry about it anymore. Also…Oh, god…
UC: I was relieved that a penis didn’t feel like a giant finger inside me.
UC: Well, I wasn’t sure.
VJ: Well, how could you be? Thank you for sharing your sex history with me, babe.
The Unicorn Charmer has just ended a serious relationship and is currently out meeting new dates and potential partners in her new city, and is having fun, mostly!
Where does your pendulum swing for body hair?
Recently, I was staying over with my best girlfriend and we were getting ready for a night out together, like we were in high school. (We are not in high school, or, at least, I’m not. I wouldn’t ask her age, because that’s rude, but she never seems to do any homework, and she drinks, so she’s either an adult or a bad student.)
“And I haven’t waxed my bush in weeks, so, you know” she said, pulling a high ponytail through an elastic, “that keeps me from going home with anyone.”
I couldn’t keep my face from scrunching up as I asked her, “What? Why?”
“Oh, you know…”she said, “I just wouldn’t want anyone to see it like that.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“You know. It’s a mess.”
“Well, you know,” I replied, a little annoyed, “my bush is so old-school it once beat Billie Jean King at tennis, and nobody has ever complained about it.” She looked at me with a look of shock and disbelief, but it’s true. I’ve been naked in front of lots of people, I mean a lot, (sorry mom), and the response to my hair has either been positive or no stated opinion, according to the exit polls.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Body hair is 100% a personal decision and whatever you choose to do with it is A-OK, but there was a cultural moment when it felt compulsory- I understand that if you do sex work, deforestation is part of the uniform, but does every barista and blogger HAVE to go full Vin Diesel? But it is, no pun intended- a touchy subject.
In the 1900’s, only art models and prostitutes (and let’s face it- many times the same people) got rid of their pubic hair, and because of this, the pre-Raphaelite artist John Ruskin was totally unprepared for his wife’s hair on their wedding night and was unable to perform sexually. She went crying to a doctor, was told that she was perfectly normal and lovely, and left her unconsummated marriage and married another painter friend of his who thought her pubis was nice.
It’s been in vogue for so long, it seems like the Brazilian has always been the dominant geographic region affecting our areas-but the fact, Americans left their sites untouched for years and years, until the bikini was introduced in the 50’s. The swimsuit was named after the A-bomb testing site in the Bikini Atoll, and it was like a bomb was dropped on natural bush.
In the 70’s, women burned their bras and let themselves grow free, but in the 80’s we had maillot one-pieces and Donna Karan bodysuits and women adopted the “landing strip” look- flattering for lots of fashions, but still delineating one from a prepubescent. Hard-edged, graphic, it was probably what the ladies in the Nagel drawings had, if we ever saw a naked one.
It’s Springtime, when the earth renews itself and mating season begins for many animals!
People go on dates and remember that sex and dating can be hard.
It can wear you out emotionally.
But at least you can physically survive it- not like in many parts of the animal kingdom.
Here’s a list of animals that die for sex- to remind you that things could be worse!
Oftentimes, the female praying mantis bites the head off her mate while they have sex, and apparently the male thrusts more vigorously after he’s dead, making the sex more likely to generate progeny. (This is probably not true of human men.)
Remember that the next time a woman you’ve exchanged a week of flirty text messages with flat doesn’t show up at an Italian restaurant and won’t call you back- you might leave with your head hanging down, but at least it’s still attached.
This very cute ratlike Australian marsupial, goes on a mad sex parade with multiple partners for up to 14 hours and then drops dead of exhaustion. There are advantages to this, for example- he doesn’t have the opportunity to get in trouble with any of the multiple cute ratlike partners he had sex with in the same half-day, but on the other hand the Antechinus never meets his children, nor coaches them in Soccer, which he would call Football, because he’s from Australia.
That’s better than the time you went on a drinks-filled double date with your best friend Allison and your boyfriend’s roommate, and she came home with him, but after you’d left for your house, she snuck into the other bedroom and did your boyfriend as well. Right? Still better than the cute little dead sex rat. And you don’t have to speak to Allison ever again.
The Dark Fishing Spider
He dies of natural causes after he mates with his lady- ejaculating makes his blood go bad. Nature wants him to die immediately after he has sex, which is one reason insects don’t masturbate.
This helps you understand that you’re still better off than a dead spider, even after you’ve been seeing someone you’re crazy about for a couple of months and came to find out he was also dating most of the women you know, and you were all in a weird sad sisterhood of women getting identical flirty text messages and photographs from him, which is why they were always non-sequiturs.
Furcifer Labordi Chameleons
These Chameleons mate furiously and violently, then after the eggs are safely inseminated and laid, they both die. No-one is left to tell the tale of their passionate romance, no-one is left to mourn their death or wear black, or just turn black, because they are a Chameleon.
That means the time you stopped hearing from someone you’d been seeing for six months and thought you were in love with, and you couldn’t get him on the phone or online, and you assumed he’d gone to prison or rehab and cried anxious tears and couldn’t concentrate on work, and two weeks later you saw him on Facebook tagged in a picture at a bar from that day and you realize you’d just been garden-variety dumped, that’s better than dying postcoitally as a couple. Probably.
Male Orb Weaving spiders
These spiders die while still joined with the female, so that while she is pregnant with his offspring, other dude spiders can’t have sex with her because she has another dude’s body sticking out of her. It’s desperate, but effective.
That puts into perspective the time you went on a work trip and brought your husband along and realized he was having an affair as he smiled into his phone and went to the bathroom to have whispery conversations as you tried to stop crying long enough to go to professional events and network. It was pretty bad. You might remember the hurt and humiliation of it sharply. But at least your dead body wasn’t hanging off his junk, being dragged through the snowy cobblestone streets of Boston!
– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/til-death-do-us-part-noir-humor-of-sex-dating-and-the-animal-kingdom/#sthash.vbeJ5qlB.dpuf
Laugh it off
The trial-and-error comedy of Virginia Jones
By Robin Bacior
This article was published on 04.06.17.
Virginia Jones, one of 50 comedians coming to the Chico Comedy Festival.
PHOTO COURTESY OF VIRGINIA JONES
Chico Comedy Festival, April 8-9.
April 8: Early evening shows, 8-10 p.m., at Duffy’s Tavern, LaRocca Tasting Room, B Street Public House, Has Beans and Trucker. Late-night shows, 10 p.m., at The Pageant and Blue Room theatres.
April 9: Headliner show at Sierra Nevada Big Room, 7:30 p.m.
Tickets: Free to $20 (depending on event)
More info at www.standupsantacruz.com
The life of a comedian can be glamorous, but often it’s far from that. Lately, comedians have started to shed some mainstream light on the latter reality, such as Mike Birbiglia in his film Don’t Think Twice or Pete Holmes and his new HBO series, Crashing, both centering around how endlessly challenging it can be to tell jokes for a living.
“I had a conversation with a musician friend of mine a couple years ago,” said comedian Virginia Jones during a recent phone interview. “He said, ‘You know, when you’re playing music at a bar, people are at least gonna clap, they’re going to do something in between songs. And when you’re doing comedy at a bar, you not only need a response, but a positive response a couple times a minute.’”
Jones, originally from Texas, got her start doing comedy in Portland in 2006.
“It had always been a bucket-list thing,” Jones said. “For a year I just wrote down anything that I’ve ever said that I thought was funny, and then tried to edit that down. It was a really long process.”
She now lives in L.A. (where she’s been since 2012). The move allowed Jones the opportunity to sharpen her skills in one of the industry’s hubs, and a more competitive community.
“I felt so much truth in La La Land: [Emma Stone’s character] puts everything into one show and nobody shows up and it breaks her heart,” Jones said. “If you do that times 600, that’s what doing stand-up in L.A. feels like. I knew that struggle: Something you do resonates with someone and you don’t even know why, and you didn’t know why the other things don’t work. It’s maddening.”
Jones delivers jokes with slow, deadpan ease, often with a confessional tone. She has toured the West Coast several times, including performances at Portland’s Bridgetown and All Jane comedy festival
s, and the San Francisco Comedy Competition (in which she was a semi-finalist in 2013).
“Stand-up is where my heart is. It’s an art form that I’ve always had a lot of passion for, and I’m out here doing it,” Jones said. “If I do get national recognition, if I ever get to headline clubs on the road, no matter what happens I know that I’ve really worked on my craft and really committed to it, and that’s a really good feeling.”
After she performs at the Chico Comedy Festival (doing sets at Duffy’s Tavern, LaRocca Tasting Room and the Naked Lounge on April 8, and at Sierra Nevada Big Room on April 9), Jones will return to L.A., where she’ll continue her pursuit. It’s not always easy, but at the very least, it’s comical.
“In real life, Pete Holmes lives in my neighborhood,” Jones said. “On Saturday night, I was doing a show—I have a nightclub act where I’m a goth girl and sing songs. Anyway, I’m going to the show and I’ve got a big pink wig on, and the one white Marilyn Manson contact in, and I’m driving down the street and I kind of notice this guy who’s wearing a hoodie that’s pulled all the way around his face. He’s got it all closed up like a kid. I realize it’s Pete Holmes and he’s trying to go incognito, and I stare at him and he’s staring at me and I thought, ‘No, I’m not the weirdo; Pete, you are the weirdo. Nobody does that with their hoodie.’ That’s L.A. life.”