Fall Fashion Preview: It’s Plaid Again, Ya Dumbshits!

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A Letter From The Editor of Vogue Magazine

Welcome to our big Fall Fashion issue! It’s HUGE and HEAVY and GLOSSY and you could really knock someone around with it. 

We’ve got the hottest food, diet, and skin trends, but let’s face it, you’re all here for the same thing- the FALL FASHION PREVIEW! It is LEGEND. It is the Christmas Mass of fashion magazines- everyone shows up once a year!

After this editor’s letter we’ve got the table of contents, a list of the celebrity photographers who aren’t cancelled yet, a Gucci ad, another Gucci ad, a Gucci perfume sample, and BOOM here it is, it’s been gossipped about, worried over for six months: what’s the hot trend for fall? 

It is one of the monumental pleasures of my job to reveal this delicious, well-guarded information each year. And reveal it I shall.

It’s plaid again, ya dumbshits! It will always be plaid! It’s back to school time, so every woman alive is dressing like she’s showing up to Saint Lucy Of The Bleeding Eyes in some pubescent fever dream, even though for most us, back to school was a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a video game on it. 

It’s because men maintain this fantasy of women with knee socks and short plaid skirts long after their own kids graduate college.

I mean, if you want to know- that’s not really why. 

It’s because even after wartime material rationing ended in 1945, the UK wool industry, drunk on military production, had overproduction they could not handle, and they wound up convincing Vogue to promote plaid for Fall 1946. Business being what it is, unlearning and unyielding, we now HAVE to do wool plaid as a fashion trend EVERY FALL or the ENTIRE GLOBAL WOOL INDUSTRY WILL COLLAPSE. We have all signed a binding document, witnessed by Harry S. Truman and Winston Churchill, tying us to this unending, infernal cycle.

That’s a secret, which you’re not supposed to know. But after all these years, I know that NO-ONE has ever read the letter from the editor.

Fall is also when everyone’s a Goth, because New York starts getting dark and cold and that’s where the fashion editors live- so there’s gonna be a shiny dominatrix boot and a smoky eye as well. Leather skirts. Spikes on handbags, the least scary place to put spikes. Don’t sit on it! Oooh, kinky! Spank me, Daddy! I work in marketing!

Next is the makeup section, where some poor photo stylist has sliced up a tube of Gucci lip lacquer with a length of dental floss and stacked it up in an uneven, wabi-sabi tower of tiny red grease slabs, and drizzled the whole thing over with a clear gel, because there is nothing interesting about makeup.

But don’t forget about plaid! We’re doing plaid! Did you know it has different names? It’s Stewart Tartan, Black Watch, or Burberry. You’ll get it in skirts and on bags and blouses and jackets, and on ties, and headbands and shit, let’s do panties too, because it’s fall, and it’s like every fall for fifty years before we were alive, and it will continue long after we’re dead! Now get out there and get mad for plaid, like the man said!

Life is long, children. Life is long.

Signed, Anna Wintour