Oh, Oh, Oh, Sexy Vampire!

My friend Pete, owner and proprietor of Disko Warp records, mentioned to me the other day that his single, Oh Oh Oh Sexy Vampire, had gotten a lot of attention because people thought it might be connected to the teen novels by Stephanie Meyer, the “Twilight” series.

I hadn’t heard of it, when I was a teen we went to Anne Rice for our sexy vampires. Then, I went to a party and wound up getting into a discussion with a group of girls that were obsessed with the selfsame series aimed at teens, but read by adults, as all too often tragically happens.

I pointed to an article that posited that vampires had to be fictional, because mathematically they are impossible. If every vampire created a vampire every day, in five days we’d all be vampires, like some sort of bloodsucking Ponzi scheme.

By day 4, none of us would be going to parties, because we’d all be locked in our houses wearing neckbraces and garlic necklaces, because holy shit, there are fucking vampires out there! This girl got REALLY MAD and refused to laugh at any of my hilarious jokes. People suck, and that’s why I’m becoming a vampire. At least then the sucking will have some sort of purpose.