It’s Springtime, when the sun comes out and we start to notice that other people look great and we’d like to date them!
Gone are the simple days of passing a school friend a note that reads, “Do you like me check YES or NO” and waiting, slowly sipping chocolate milk in what you hope is a cool way, for the response to come back.
We are older and more complicated and have more requirements, preferences, and food allergies at play, so I hereby submit this updated dating tool. It is my recommendation that both parties circle the number that best demonstrates their feelings for the other, and that anything within the same three data points could be reasonably attempted as a relationship, i.e. if one member scores 10 and one scores 8, that is still in spitting distance of a happy pairing for at least one of you! Good luck and enjoy Spring!
Will You Go Out With Me?
- No. Not if you were the last human alive.
- Maybe, if you were the last human alive.
- Maybe-If we were down to the last thirty humans alive and you retain all of your limbs.
- Maybe. I crushed on you, years ago, but you were dating someone dumb, and also far too young.
- Maybe, if I don’t get any better offers in the next couple of weeks.
- Maybe, you’re the most attractive person on this bus.
- Maybe- If you tried hard enough.
- Yes, if you will support me through multiple sudden career changes.
- Yes, if you live within two miles, or three subway stops of me. (No connections)
- Yes, until you get sick, or something
- Yes, if I can date other people and you can’t.
- Yes, unless you require me to change or compromise on anything ever.
- Yes, if you are open to experimenting with monogamy together.
- Yes, if you can reliably open difficult jars.
- Yes, if I can review your audio books, favorite podcasts, Netflix cue and Spotify playlists to determine compatibility.
- Yes, if we can have the right kind of dog together.
- Yes, if you promise never to be honest with me about any shortcomings you may perceive.
- Yes. I think of you fondly, and often.
- Yes. I have often wondered if it would be nice to kiss you.
- Yes. A thousand times yes. You’re all I think about, and no other human being makes me feel the way that you do. I have dreamt of this moment. Thank you.
Of course, if all this fails, you can go back to making yourself dateable online.