I am writing to tell you all the amazing facts about Labyrinth, the film in which a great many Muppets talk directly to David Bowie’s crotch. It is showing this weekend at the Egyptian theatre in Los Angeles, as a double feature with Dark Crystal. Holy Hoggle! What an Easter Treat!
Here are some questions that you might enjoy looking at the answers to.
Q. Where have I heard that whole “You remind me of a man. What man? The man with the power” business before?
A. You haven’t, but it was an old vaudeville bit Cary Grant, Shirley Temple, and Myrna Loy enjoyed in the film “The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer”.
Q. Do you know the scene with the cleaners, where Hoggle’s voice changes for no reason and sounds exactly like Harrison Ford saying “You Sure Got His Attention” to Princess Leia in Star Wars? Do you think that George Lucas allowed them to sample the line from Star Wars?
A. Yes. I think so. I have no proof of this.
Q. Was it helpful that George Lucas was a producer?
Q. Who made the stupid baby-gurgle noises in the same “Magic Dance” song?
A. Dame David Bowie had to, because the baby they brought him was of the non-gurgling type.
Q. I notice that the baby’s name is Toby, and that the actor’s name is Toby Froud. Is this a coincidence?
A. No- the baby was supposed to be named Freddie, but the actor-baby would only respond to his own name, which is only part of why babies make such terrible actors. The baby was also played by the art director’s baby, because nepotism.
Q. Are you obsessed with the Magic Dance song?
Q: Did you one time see an adult Toby Froud sing Magic Dance at Baby Ketten Karaoke, the best karaoke in the world?
Q: Was Michael Cera also there?
A: I don’t think he was this time.
Q. Did you realize that Sarah invented nerd cosplay at the beginning of this film?
A. No, I sure didn’t! Thanks for pointing that out!
Q. If you buy the Jareth The Goblin King figurine, how do you prevent him from losing his crystal juggle-ball?
A. I had to glue mine on.
Q. What does the little elf-person who turns Sarah’s marked tile over say?
A. “Your mother is a freaking aardvark!”
Q. Did you know that the glass-ball juggler in the film is the inventor of what is now called “contact juggling”, Michael Moshen, who started juggling clear acrylic balls that he borrowed from his friend, fellow juggler Penn Jillette?
A. No, I didn’t know that.
Q. I didn’t think you did.
Q. Is Labyrinth still the best movie featuring David Bowie and Henson’s Creatures?
A. You bet your glittery, felt-covered muppet ass! Get out and see it!
Postscript: Later, I discuss many of these facts with Jackie Kashian on the Dork Forest!