HOW TO BE A FAMOUS COMEDIAN
I have started sharing my amazing insights on how to be funny, and how to be a comedian, but I have not yet told you how to be a FAMOUS COMEDIAN. A SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN. And that’s what everybody wants to know.
i know I have said that there are no short cuts, but in fact there are. Here are the top short cuts to being successful and pretty famous.
If You’re A girl
If you’re a girl, be super hot. Make your insta about your body. Onstage, talk about sex. That’s what men want from women comedians, they want someone who looks like a pron star and talks about sex. Wear a high ponytail and a tiny leather jacket a lot of the time. I don’t know why this is important but it is. Don’t work with other women comics. That will just get you in a competition about who’s hotter and nobody wants that. Disparage other women comics and talk about how they’re hacks. Get a ton of weird plastic surgery when you turn 30. You know the drill.
If you’re a musical act, write about having sex with older male comedians. This will 100% get you on the road. But being a hot girl who talks about sex is the path to getting up at clubs, getting a special, all kinds of stuff. Will you be funny? No. Will you have the respect of your peers? Again, no. But you will be SUCCESSFUL.
What if I’m Not a Girl?
OK, so you’re not a girl. In many ways, this is better. There are three main routes that you can take.
Fat Party Guy
The first obvious route is Fat Party Guy. For this one, you have to be likeable, a little charming even. And you either have it or you don’t. It super helps to have a drinking or drug problem, but don’t worry, most comics do. Are you willing to take your shirt off and show your fat body onstage? Great. Hilarious. Do you have any kind of Southern accent? Great. Lead with that. Tell stories about being a drunk fucking disaster, take your clothes off, and pick up your check. Sometimes talk tearfully about Fat Party Guy comics who died young, because guess what, they do that.
Mediocre White Man
Ok, so you’re not that charming and you’re not that fat. What to do? Don’t worry, if you’re lucky you can cobble together quite a good living as a mediocre white man. Please talk about how much you dislike women in your life, first your girlfriend, then she becomes your wife and you talk about hating her, then the girlfriend you have after your wife kicked you out. Be heinous about her onstage. Don’t worry, she knows it’s what you have to do for your act. It helps if you’re a little bit handsome for this one, you don’t have to be out and out good looking, just like slightly above average. Good looking for a comic. Sometimes if you wear a blazer onstage, you will come across as better looking than you really are. Here’s your set- you like pot, you like pron, dating’s hard, you hate your wife, close strong on you shit yourself in public.
Last Ditch: Alt Right Incel Creep
OK, so you’re a man but you’re not that charming and you’re not that handsome. Don’t worry. You can still make a good living as an alt right incel creep.
Or maybe you WERE one of those, and then got caught up in a sex assault, or pedo stuff, or something similarly unsavory. Don’t worry, there is still a place for you in comedy! There will ALWAYS be a place for you.
All your material will be about things from this list: Dislike of Black people, dislike of women (everybody does well with this except for Fat Party Guy), HATRED of trans women (trans men are not on your radar particularly), dislike of cancel culture, dislike of the main political parties, love of batshit conspiracy theories. Talk about trans women so much it’s actually kind of weird. Remind your audience that they’re the only reason you’re allowed to pop off about these topics, because you’re too EDGY for the mainstream.
Have a twitter account. Post memes about the weird conspiracy theories you promote.
If you dress like a Montana cabin dweller, that’s pretty good. If you’re an oddly buff short guy, that’s perfect.
Have a podcast, and talk about all the things you dislike. Do you like anything? How about: FREEDOM. Freedom to be a repulsive piece of shit.
There are two main downsides to this route: One, the piece of shit alt right incels you have to hang out with and do festivals and podcasts with, and two, the piece of shit alt right incels you will be performing for. You will not have a place in mainstream comedy. But these guys will love you. They will subscribe to your Patreon. They will buy your muscle building supplement. Will you be funny? No. But you will be successful!