Would-Be Reductress

Here’s my packet that is not going to be used by Reductress, because they told me it wouldn’t!   

  1. Science News: Clean Energy Source Burns Unwearable Dresses You Bought Online

  Scientists have created a power utility from America’s infinitely renewable resource, useless crap you bought online.  Did you know? A poorly beaded dress can heat a house for fifteen minutes, a giant quilted puffer coat that says “QUEEN” on the back can power a Roomba for a day.

Story Type: Science News

  1.  Your Baby Will Roast Your Highschool Style By Kindergarten

   In today’s rapidly  accelerating culture, your newborn baby will be roasting your best highschool outfits by the time they are out of diapers.  Take a deep breath and prep to get read!

Story Type: Fashion & Style

  1. Trendy Night Trainers: Squeeze Some Cardio Out Of Your Walk Of Shame

A listicle of great trainers to wear out so you can get home without too much trouble tomorrow, including:

  1. Sleek black sneaks that look great with everything, including toting your carcass home on the El
  2. Bedazzled Chucks, for when you get dragged out to find the D in Long Island. 
  3. Metallic Platform Trainers: the space age option for when you need to get home and get some of your own space

Story Type: Fashion & Style

    5. Woman In Your Office Opines, “I Hope I Look As Good As Helen Mirren When I’m 60”, But Does Not Look That Good Now

  Story Type: Celebrity 

  6. Guess What’s Wrong With Your Vagina Now?

   From grooming to jade eggs, there’s always something more you can be doing to make your vagina acceptable- get on it, bitch!

  Story Type: Beauty & Health

7. “What Are You Looking For On Here?” Asks Dude Seeking Reply, “Casual Sex With A Hideous Man”

   It’s every dating site dude’s opener, a seemingly innocent question that lets you know you shouldn’t expect too much, nay, anything from your interaction.  If he were asked the same, he would not, reply not, answer honestly.

   Story Type: Dating & Sex

8. “Why Can’t Women Be Chill?” Asks Man Whose Reproductive Capacity Ends With Death

  Why can’t women just hang out for eight or ten years before getting all uptight about commitment and kids, asks a man who has no timeline on kids whatsoever.

    Story Type: Dating & Sex

9. Dazzling Two Hour Ritual For The Perfect Dewy, Highlighted, No-Makeup Look!

  Starting with extensive exfoliation, then rubbing your skin all over with a little roller, and ending with blending your pores out of existence, this is the perfect look to pretend you’re low-maintenance and attract men who think saying women shouldn’t wear makeup is any better than saying they should wear lots of makeup!

   Story Type: Beauty & Health

10: “Why Can’t We Have Chill No-Strings Sex And You Don’t See Other People”, Non-Boyfriend Demands.

   There are so many new permutations on offer for dating scenarios that don’t exist, see also single polyamorous guys and girls who are very sexually conservative up until the day they meet you.

   Story Type: Dating & Sex

11.  “I Have No Boundaries” Says Woman, Like It’s A Feature

    “I absolutely say the first thing in my head, and I treat everyone like my best friend”, says Sharon Sluyter, as if it’s a positive asset and not absolutely terrifying to everyone around her.  

12. “I Guess I’m A Self-Sufficient Loner” Says Guy Whose Mother Still Does His Laundry

  “She likes to do it,” says Jordan.  

13.  “GUILT-FREE SNACKS: DID YOU KILL SOMEONE TO STEAL THOSE SNACKS?”

  Did you steal the snack?  Did you commit a murder to get them?  Great, it’s guilt-free!

14. “STEP BY STEP: 10 SQUATS THAT WILL DISTRACT FROM YOUR PERSONALITY FLAWS”

JUST! KEEP! SQUATTING!

Hi From Virginia Jones

This is my one-sheet with all my fancy stuff on it, for fancy people! C’mon! That Virginia Jones, she’s a star! Goddamnit!

Virginia Jones information promo
One-sheet for comedian Virginia Jones

Dune

Dune! Cosplay! Tiktok! I made a Tiktok about Dune in Fremen cosplay. I make stuff every day and some of it is good. This isn’t, this is a joke I did about Dune. But it’s short. But other content is good. I’m pleased that ten years ago, this would have been a joke I did to whomever I saw the movie with and that would be it, but now I can do it for you guys.

@badinia

Guess what, I saw Dune today #dune #paulatreides #cosplay #funny #nerd #TheHarderTheyFall #blindcontacts #denisvilleneuve #frankherbert #mentat #virginiajones

♬ Call Me Maybe (Instrumental Version) – May B.

I’m AT SF Sketchfest 2023!

I’m super stoked to announce that I’ll be performing in SF Sketchfest 2022, that bastion of alt comedy, and their triumphant return to live shows, unless we fuck it all up tremendously.

We fucked it all up tremendously, and now I’m performing in 2023!

I won’t mention how many times I have paid the application fee and not gotten in, but I think it’s about 8.

I even have my showtimes already:

Friday, Feb 3, 2023: The Setup: 10:15 at BRAVA CABARET

Saturday, Feb 4, 2023: Studio Sets: 7PM at BRAVA STUDIO

Hope to see you there!

HEADED OUT TO THE COAST!

virginia jones flyer paperwing theatre

I’m out on the road this weekend- Friday night July 9th I’m in Santa Cruz for Greater Purpose Brewing’s show at 7:30. Saturday the 10th I’m in Monterey for Cannery Row Comedy at 8. Sunday afternoon I’m at Full Circle in Fresno with Matt Gubser, Lisa Curry, and lots of other great people! Come see me!

How Being A Beard Made Me Vegan

From the Santa Cruz Good Times, article by DNA

I was recently interviewed with a couple other vegan comics like Matt Gubser, Myq Kaplan, and Dhaya Lakshminarayanan. You can read the whole thing here!

In high school in Texas, Los Angeles comedian Virginia Jones used to go out on dates as a chaperone with her best friend who was gay. “His mom thought I would somehow keep him from having sex with men.” says Jones. “One night I’m sitting in the front room of a gay guy’s apartment as my friend is having sex with him in the next room and there was a copy of ‘Meat is Murder’ by the Smiths and I listened to it. It’s a terrible song, but until that moment I had never really thought about where meat comes from,” Jones said.

The next day, Jones became a vegetarian—who slowly moseyed into veganism. “As time goes on it became a lot easier to become a vegan as technology and accessibility grew. The only vegan I knew in Dallas, Texas would regularly eat a plate of fried tofu with soy sauce. We ate a lot of cheese pizza and French fries. I ate garbage, which led to a vitamin deficiency in high school. We didn’t have veggie burgers—we would make falafel burgers and fry it up,” Jones recalls.

With abundant low-budget college comfort food like Taco Bell, it’s easy to be a junk-food vegetarian. That changed when Jones went vegan. “It was only when I went vegan that it was pretty easy to see that whole grains, vegetables and a protein source made me feel best. I became more aware of making healthier choices when I went vegan,” Jones points out.