Meet The Never-Ready Men

I recently got two questions about avoidant men, so I’m going to address them together.

Lady 1 says:

Dear Virginia;

I’ve been seeing a man for six months, and recently spent a holiday with his family.  We have never had a conversation about where we were headed.  In the last few weeks, I noticed that he was frequently not returning my texts. When I asked him about it, he said, well, I’m not ready to be a boyfriend, can’t we just stay casual?

I am furious that I’m the last one to know that I’ve put six months into nothing.

Also, do I have to stop seeing him?  I’ve gotten used to him.

Lady 2 says:

Dear Virginia

I’ve been dating a guy for five months, but when I broke my arm and was rushed to the hospital and called him, he wasn’t sure what I was talking about.  The first time I needed anything from him at all, he shrugged and wandered off, telling a nurse that he wasn’t family, he was “just a friend” and he “wasn’t sure he could help.”

When was I supposed to find out I was sleeping with someone who regarded me as only slightly closer than a workmate?  I am furious.

Dear Ladies;

First of all, I am so sorry.  You ladies have been, either directly or indirectly, misled by avoidant men.  One thing about hookup culture that guys are missing is that: it is, by its nature, temporary.

To sleep with a nice person once to half a dozen times with no expectation of a future is sort of normal.  To drag it out over half a year and introduce her to family members in an attempt to look like an adult is cruel.  I’ve been thinking for a while about drafting a list of things you can’t get in a supercasual modern dating relationship:

Exclusive claims to weekends
An ensured date to weddings
Input on important decisions such as: what to name the dog, what tattoo to get, or whether to go to grad school.
You don’t get to take anyone home for Christmas
Actually, most major holidays are out for you: Valentine’s day, Thanksgiving, New Year’s. You can go out with your casual hookup on Halloween, St. Patrick’s, and Cinco de Mayo: the drinking holidays.

Neither of you get to continue dating without some communication.   If you want more and they say they’re not ready, you might ask what that means.

Here are some possible things they mean when they say there’s not ready for a serious relationship:

He’s not ready. When you leave, they’re going to go find another girl to annoy for six months or so, and then they’ll look for another one.

Maybe he’s ready, but not with you. He might be ready for the next girl he meets, which sucks and which is why it might be a good idea to drop him on social media.

Perhaps he (and this comes up more than you’d think) Will Never Be Ready. He will always be Single and Ready to Mingle.  I have met men in Los Angeles who’ve had longer relationships with a car lease than they have with a lady, and find this to be Super Normal.  I call them Never-readies, but unlike batteries, they’ll drain you.

He’s ready, but they won’t know it until you leave him and he has a chance to think about what a special person you are and they’ll cry into their pillowcase and think about how nice your pillowcases smell and they’ll come running back, tripping over their untied shoelaces because they just woke up and came running over to your house.

I know that number 4 sounds very romantic, but it’s probably one of the other three.  I’m sorry.  I’d like it to be number 4.  Keep in mind that whatever the number is, it’s not your fault.  It’s not the way you wore your hair or how good you were in bed or how interested you pretended to be in fantasy football or garage rock.  You can’t make him ready.   You can’t trick him into being ready.  If after being with someone as quirky and wonderful as you are for half a year, if he says he’s not ready, 1. He’s an idiot and 2. He probably isn’t going to be ready.

In any case, your only option is to set them free, back into the dating pool and out of your hair and, lady number one- DEFINITELY stop seeing him.

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