MONDAY: It picks up the silk kimonos from the cleaners. It checks the ticket very, verrry carefully before it gets back into its Geo Metro, to avoid bringing home the wrong kimonos. We do not want to punish It like last time. It’s harder on Us than on It.
TUESDAY: It sorts tax receipts. It puts mileage receipts in the blue envelope, it puts business purchases in the pink envelope, and it puts tattoo-and-piercing related expenses in a manila envelope. IT DOES NOT SPEND ALL DAY FUCKING AROUND ON FACEBOOK! Nobody cares what It ate for lunch, except that the food makes It look and smell disgusting.
WEDNESDAY: It brings a fruit plate for Jenny’s baby shower. It chooses a fruit plate with a lot of strawberry and pineapple and not as much melon or kiwi.
THURSDAY: We apologize for saying that it smells disgusting. It sometimes does not smell very bad. We still need It to dust the house, and also to collect all loose teeth into a Mason jar.
FRIDAY: It gets paaaaid. Yayyyy. It can buy all the tacky blue mascara and Lee Press-on Nails it wants. It cashes Its check right away, so that it does not appear outstanding on our bank balance. It is on call all weekend, so It does not turn Its phone off! Its phone is never off!
If you’ve ever wondered what I think about Caitlyn Jenner, Bill Cosby, Michael Jackson, feminism, catfood, Hot Topic, Northern White Rhinos, Dallas, Texas, Youtube, or gay rights, they’re all here! This record was recorded at the Complex, and if you were there, maybe you can hear your laugh!
Buy it, rate it, share it, love it, send it to your Mom, and most of all, pay me money for it!
$7- you can have the record on Bandcamp! Right away!
$10- you can have the record on digital from Itunes, on CD, or both and if you buy a CD I’ll autograph it and I’ll think good things about you.
$30- you get the record and you can buy me lunch
$40- you get the record and I’ll buy you lunch
$50- you get the record, and you can tell people you’re my friend, both on social media and in life.
$60- you get the record, I’ll take you out singing karaoke and some of my social cachet could rub off on you!
$70- You get the record and I’ll lend you something out of my closet and you can wear it and everything! There’s restrictions on this. Nothing with a European label. Don’t be ridiculous.
My friend Simon Max Hill is a hard-working casting agent who has been casting Portlandia, Nike spots, and other important television from his seat in Portland,OR. He’s also an enthusiast of dancing, robots, and being a super weird generator of ideas at all times. On Tuesday, he announced that it was my responsibility to make a sock puppet music video, and by Thursday I had it up.
Here’s Dark Footish covering the Smiths. And to the nice lady who said “Oh, this is great, I hope there’s more!”- it currently has 22 views. I am the gothic Naomi Campbell of Youtube, I don’t get out of my coffin for fewer than 100 views.
There is this Lichtenstein sculpture garden in Millenial Walk in Singapore that is a relative of another garden installed in Philadelphia in 1996. Here is a view of one of six Lichtenstein sculptures from the sculpture garden outside my hotel.
Here it is up close.
Here it is up close and personal.
I am in Singapore, I have a camera and some free time. I like art.
It’s convenient to me that they have art right outside the mall. People seem to ignore it, because there’s two Lacoste stores within a mile, and everybody wants to go there. Also, if you are not used to being in ninety degree weather with 80 percent humidity in November, being outside where the sculpture is could kill you. I risked death, but as you can tell, it was hell on my hair.
There is sometimes a kind of paradoxical high level/low quality of service. I was in a drugstore, looking for hair products, and a well-dressed lady followed me around, letting me know that she was there to fulfill my every whim and passing fancy- however, it became clear that this was not the case when a furry hippopotamus change purse caught my eye that had to be un-Swif-tacked from the display, and when I asked her about it she deflated and resisted, and then finally turned around dejectedly to get scissors. So, she was playing Watch The Giant Freaky American To See If She Steals Something And We Can Cut Her Hands Off. I am not sure what kind of criminal mastermind I would have to be to say, I can go into a crowded store in a country with very severe criminal punishment policies, where I could be fined for spitting on the sidewalk and chewing gum in public, and where I am a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than anyone else, and steal this hippopotamus change purse with impunity. But I’m not even close to that level.
Update: Portland has acquired a Lichtenstein brushstroke, and we stuck it in front of our modern art museum:
I have been friends with a very talented and creepily lifelike doll named Eliza Rickman for several years, and today she released a really lovely and cool video composed of forced perspective vignettes depicting things she would likely be doing anyway. Please enjoy it.
Jonathan Saunders took this picture of me this week, largely because neither of us had anything better to do. He’s shot George Carlin, Bernie Madoff, Don Imus, and me. He’s an expert marksman, an artist, and a real weirdo. Check out his photo blog at www.iliketotellstories.com.
This year I decided to find the new “sexy” costume for the ages, so I went with the dowager Queen Victoria, who wore mourning black for forty years after the death of her beloved consort Prince Albert. She was the first Royal to be photographed, and believed that cosmetics were for prostitutes and actresses- and really, who can tell the difference between those two things?
The high point of my Halloweek was visiting Emo Philips, whom I had last interacted with at Comic-Con as a spooky goth girl when I was promoting Seraph Films, and he seemed very pleased to meet Sexy Queen Victoria.
I also enjoyed appearing as Bloodmeadow from Gothixxx on the Dark Mark show, which you can watch here, Bloodmeadow got there about twenty minutes in. She was running on Goth People’s Time, which allows for re-application of makeup and accouterments.