Fall Fashion Preview: It’s Plaid Again, Morons!

Photo by Godisable Jacob from Pexels

A Letter From The Editor of Vogue Magazine

Welcome to our big Fall Fashion issue! It’s HUGE and HEAVY and GLOSSY and you could really knock someone around with it. 

We’ve got food, diet, and skin trends, but let’s face it, you’re all here for the same thing- the FALL FASHION PREVIEW! It is LEGEND. It is the Christmas Mass of fashion magazines- everyone shows up once a year!

The Wind-Up

After this editor’s letter we’ve got the table of contents, a list of the celebrity photographers who aren’t cancelled yet, a Gucci ad, another Gucci ad, and BOOM here it is, it’s been gossiped about and worried over for six months: what’s the hot trend for fall? 

The Pitch

It’s plaid again, ya dumbshits! It will always be plaid! It’s back to school, so every woman alive is dressing like she’s showing up to Saint Lucy Of The Bleeding Eyes. 

It’s because men keep this fantasy of women with knee socks and short plaid skirts long after their own kids graduate college.

I mean, if you want to know- that’s not really why. 

It’s because in 1945, the UK wool industry, drunk on military production, had overruns they could not handle. They convinced Vogue Magazine to promote wool plaid for Fall 1946. Business being what it is, we HAVE to do wool plaid as a fashion trend EVERY FALL or the ENTIRE INDUSTRY WILL COLLAPSE. We have all signed a binding document, witnessed by Harry S. Truman and Winston Churchill, tying us to this unending, infernal cycle.

That’s a secret, which you’re not supposed to know. But after all these years, I know that NO-ONE has ever read this far down the letter from the editor.

The Home Run

Fall is also when everyone’s Goth, because New York starts getting dark and that’s where the fashion editors live- so there’s gonna be a shiny dominatrix boot and a smoky eye as well. Leather skirts. Spikes on handbags, the least scary place to put spikes. Spank me, Daddy! I work in marketing!

Next is the makeup section, where some poor fuck photo stylist has sliced up a tube of Gucci lip lacquer with a length of dental floss and stacked it up in an uneven, wabi-sabi tower of tiny red grease slabs and drizzled the whole thing over with a clear gel, because there is nothing interesting about makeup.

The Victory Lap

But don’t forget about plaid! We’re doing plaid! Did you know it has different names? It’s Stewart Tartan, Black Watch, or Burberry. You’ll get it in skirts and on bags and blouses and jackets. It’s on ties, headbands and shit, let’s do panties too! Now get out there and get mad for plaid!

Life is long, children. Life is long.

Signed, Anna Wintour

Dollface Productions

plus size vintage dress on model virginia jones link to dollface productions etsy

Dollface Productions is a plus size vintage Etsy store of comedy superstar and glamourpuss, Jenny Zigrino. Here’s a dress she got me that not only fits like a dream but is totally and completely my shit. Click on it to go to her Etsy store, which she keeps stocked with great plus size vintage finds!

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Men and women have more trouble communicating now than ever, and one of the things we don’t communicate well on is sex.

I was raised to believe that if a man wanted to have sex with you, it was because he was trying to express his undying love and admiration for you and was tottering, like a newborn baby deer, towards a lasting relationship.


This is not the case.


Here are some of my theories about why we believe men have sex versus possible reasons why they do.


Of COURSE these are not all the reasons. I’m sure there’s a million! Here’s a start.

Reason Women Believe Men Will Have Sex:

To deepen intimacy and lay the groundwork for a serious relationship

Reasons Men Will Have Sex:

To deepen intimacy and lay the groundwork for a serious relationship
To thank someone for a pretty good sandwich

Running a bit short on cardio today
Because they need someplace to sleep
To annoy their friend
Had 15 minutes free
Condoms about to expire
Put off decision about where to have breakfast
To be polite
Because they’re hoping you’ll make them a sandwich later
Don’t want to talk about the Mandalorian anymore
They knew you in college
Or Else- they knew you in high school
Perhaps just- they knew you
They thought they knew you but they were actually thinking of someone else
You remind them of a girl they had a crush on forever, except she looked totally different and had a different personality, they’re actually not sure why you remind them of Candace particularly
To win a bet
To lose a bet
They like your band
Maybe you like their band
Or else like the same band
You both like bands
Hoping you’ll come see their band
Bar was closing
Restaurant needed the table
They liked your t-shirt
You liked their t-shirt
They quoted Napoleon Dynamite and you laughed and they appreciated it
Because you did a great job at bar trivia
They were hitting on your friend but it didn’t work out
They’re hoping you’ll listen to their podcast
They’re hoping to get booked on your podcast
They appreciated your giving them the last beer
Because someone said they couldn’t

UK Comedy: Sexist As Hell

I’ve always been an anglophile, have always thought British people were a little smarter and more sophisticated than we are. I assume women comics are treated pretty well there, although I had only done one UK spot, in 2013. My first show in the UK this trip was stacked with funny, capable women, and it was great. On my second show, I noted that I was set up back to back with the only other woman on the bill. I made a joke (which is not a joke) about how that wouldn’t happen in LA, because once we talk about our cats and our periods, what’s left?

Backstage Chitchat

The person I was talking to said oh really. Mistaking that for interest I said yeah, Maria Bamford just sponsored a college study reviewing gender and ethnicity in club bookings. She found that women accounted for just 16% of the work, and heavily in hosting. The person I was talking to said, do you think there’s more than 16% of comics that are women? I turned to him and said, yes.

There are some great shows like Women Crush Wednesdays (back Jan 8!), L.A. WOMAN All Female Revue, and The Mermaid Comedy Hour that are incredibly strong and well-attended, but bookers still get asked- will you have enough funny women to fill the spots? And yeah, they do. The person said in a huff, I don’t agree with women showcases. I don’t think they should exist. I think it should just be: comedy! Then, he got up and did his set about how he’s from this place and he’s like this, and his girlfriend is from this other place and she’s like that. Amazing. Comedy.

Lessons Learned

I learned a lot. I learned that there are plenty of hacks in London, and I learned that it’s important to support talented women.

Easy Packing For All Ages

 packing for travel comedy

Packing for all ages:

30’s: I gotta get my nails and toenails done for my trip!

40’s: Doesn’t give a fuck.

30’s: I’m gonna take a little bag of jewelry curated to work with my outfits!

40’s: Doesn’t give a fuck.

30’s: Brought two styles of sunglasses for different lewks.

40’s: Own three pairs of the same sunglasses, Hollis by Oliver Peoples. Does not give a fuck.

30’s: Wait, should I buy a mini of my trademark perfume or should I try something new for the trip?

40’s: Doesn’t wear perfume at home, doesn’t give a fuck

20’s: Brought books.

30’s: Brought kindle.

40’s: Broke half a dozen kindles, now watches Youtube videos of kids kicking each other in the nuts on her phone the whole trip. Does not give a fuck.

30’s: Brought running shoes, dress shoes, and casual shoes for travel.

40’s: Brought one pair Chuck Taylor high tops and cannot possibly give a fuck.

30’s: Need room for my DSLR camera!
40’s: Bringing phone.

30’s: Need to carry on my laptop.
40’s: Bringing phone.

30’s: Bringing exquisite outfits for trip, is heartbroken she can’t bring more shoes.
40’s: I don’t know these people, who gives a fuck?

Wait, am I maturing and becoming more comfortable in my own skin- or am I just depressed?

Practical Pandora Poetry

gothic american virginia jones comedy album Pandora

When you submit your comedy album to Pandora, like I did with my comedy album, Gothic American, they sort your tracks into little pre-written buckets for their algorithm- and the description of the tracks from my album, Gothic American, make a nice little poem about my comedy:

Female Experiences

An Amused Delivery

A Deadpan Delivery

A Sarcastic Delivery

A Self-Deprecating Delivery

Surprising Misdirects

Jokes About The Entertainment Industry

Humorously Dim-Witted Logic

A Wide Variety of Subject Matter

Liberal Political Leanings

Subject Explorations

Anecdotes