Def’n: HAIRLOAF
Hairloaf: N: The hairstyle that happens when all of the hair is perched in an oblong manner on top of the head, ready to attack. SEE ALSO: Nitzer Ebb.
Category: Gothic
WHAT ABOUT PROM
Iona, Andi’s boss at Trax, and Duckie share a tiny prize
The Joneses had the best time evar geeking out on memorial John Hughes trivia with the lovely and talented Shan-Rock last Saturday, being quizzed about Ferris Bueller, Weird Science (a film about two young men who accidentally make a woman when all they are really looking for is web porn), Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, and Pretty in Pink. After a lifetime of wanting to be Andi from Pretty in Pink, it is clear to me now that I am her boss, Iona. Watching the film for the eleventy hundredth time, it is no longer clear to me why all the boys love Andi. She spends the whole movie either pouting or bitching. She laughs exactly once. But Iona? Applause, applause, applause! We won a tiny trophy and free drinks, which is the kind of prize we can use.
Grimly Fiendish
In case you are sitting on lots of holiday cash and don’t know what to do, I wanted to point out that Dave Vanian of seminal (huh huh) punk band The Damned has co-founded a high-end goffic makeup line called Illamasqua. Who better to do it than Dave? He’s been blending clown white and smudging black liner since Billy Joe Armstrong’s parents argued over whether the condom would hold. Anyway, Dave’s makeup line is is the culmination of my dreams in many ways.
Awesome things about Dave:
1. He is married to Patricia Morrison, formerly the bassist of Sisters of Mercy, and together they are the gothest couple ever. Everyone else should give up.
2. He once threatened to beat the tar out of Bauhaus’ Peter Murphy, for copying his “Vampire schtick”, not realizing that there was enough of it to go around for the UK, Germany, and the States for many years to come.
3. I have been in love with him, body and soul, since I was fifteen years old. All five foot six of him.
4. Screw you, Patricia Morrison!
Ladies’ Rock Camp and the Birth Of Furious Yellow
For many years, I have been playing mediocre rhythm guitar. I used to play with my band, Sadly Deluded, and I would tell jokes and play songs until someone suggested that I could just tell jokes and I wouldn’t have to haul a guitar around. I have always wanted to be a better guitar player, so I decided to force myself to practice guitar more by signing up for ladies’ rock camp. It didn’t actually work that way, and so I showed up with baby-soft fingers to play on for eight hours a day, which then hurt like bejeezus all weekend. My fault.
My former band’s logo, designed by the fantastic Francisco Garcia
Ladies’ Rock Camp is very fast paced- you show up, eat lunch, form a band, take a class for your instrument, and start writing a song.
When asked what kind of band I wanted, I couldn’t think of the term for the music I like so I just said “Mope Rock”. I still can’t think of a better word for the music I like.
Something strange about Rock Camp is the almost unremitting positivity and support of the other campers and staff. I think now that I have been selling myself short as a mediocre guitar player. I’m at least an average guitar player.
It was kind of uncomfortable, since I am used to stand-up, in which friendships are based on tearing each other down in public or private.
I had a moment I think might have been life-changing- we had been rehearsing our song over and over, and for a minute I was just playing it on my own, and I thought, “This doesn’t sound as good as it does with the rest of my band,” and that’s the first time I’ve ever thought anything of the sort.
We named ourselves Furious Yellow, and our lead bass player made us matching 1″ buttons.
We wrote a song about breaking up, and sketched out our first EP:
Title: I Am Furious Yellow
Songlist:
Confirm or Deny
The Blood Of These Whores Is Killing Me
Doublewide Coffin (a coffin built for two)
Let Go Of The Cremains
My Hands Are Made Of Meat
I Still Have Your Knee Socks From Thanksgiving
Fun Facts About Furious Yellow:
Three members from Cali, one from Idaho, and one Portlander
We’re so heavy, we need two bass players
Our lead bassist has been to Rock Camp four times. She features in an article from the London Guardian on ladies’ rock camp in 2006!
Two blue-eyed, two green-eyed, one brown-eyed lady.
Five band members, and THREE tap dancers! What are the odds?
I was given a rainbow guitar strap, which I thought was appropriate because my Telecaster is at least bi-curious.
After the show at Satyricon, Furious Yellow was very tired and stinky and our fingers hurt, so we drank alcohol until we felt better.
If you like music and are a lady, I really recommend this camp. It is approximately the most fun thing ever.
The Divine David
The Divine David teaches a makeup masterclass
Sometimes, I lie awake at night and worry that enough people have not enjoyed The Divine David, a trans terrorist/avant garde artiste/tastemaker created and performed by Manchester artist David Hoyle.
Suicidal Tendency: Duck, Duck, Annihilation
Well, it’s not the first time a suicidal duck has made its way around the internet.
Well, maybe it is. It does remind me of one of my friend John Freeman’s dozens of bands, Duck, Duck, Annihilation.
As to complaints that the duck is too well-built to actually electrocute, (this is one product that never considered hiring a customer service staff) please consider either of the two easy backup options, given that you could hang yourself with the cord OR in dire straits, eat the duck, which if you are any kind of celebrity or known entity will result in a six month period where the phrase ‘eat a duck’ will be hipster shorthand for any suicide, which will confuse the heck out of people in food sales.
Eventually, it will end up in Cockney rhyming slang as a euphemism for sexual intercourse, which everything is.