comedyportland

50 Ways To Lose Your Liquor- Signs Of Intoxication Published by the OLCC

If you are ever not sure if you are drunk, the Oregon Liquor Control Commission would like to help you with this downloadable list titled 50 Signs of Visible Intoxication.

For your enjoyment and education:
1. Slurred Speech
2. Swaying, Staggering, or Stumbling
3. Unable To Sit Straight
4. Bloodshot, Glassy Eyes
5. Loud, Noisy Speech
6. Speaking Loudly, Then Quietly
7. Drinking Too Fast
8. Ordering Doubles
9. Careless With Money
10. Buying Rounds For Strangers or the House
11. Annoying Other Guests or Employees
12. Complaining About Prices
13. Complaining About Drink Strength or Preparation
14. Argumentative
15. Aggressive or Belligerent
16. Obnoxious or Mean
17. Making Inappropriate Comments about Others
18. Crude Behavior
19. Inappropriate Sexual Advances
20. Foul Language
21. Making Irrational Statements
22. Becoming Depressed or Sullen
23. Crying or Moody
24. Extreme or Sudden Change in Behavior
25. Overly animated or Entertaining (is there such a thing as too much fun?)
26. Drowsiness
27. Drinking Alone
28. Lack of Focus and Eye Contact
29. Bravado, Boasting
30. Difficulty Remembering
31. Rambling Train of Thought
32. Slow Response to Questions or Comments
33. Spilling Drinks
34. Trouble Making Change
35. Difficulty Handling Money
36. Difficulty Lighting Cigarettes
37. Lighting More Than One Cigarette
38. Letting Cigarette Burn Without Smoking
39. Clumsy
40. Difficulty Standing Up
41. Boisterous
42. Bumping Into Things
43. Falling Off Of Chair
44. Falling Asleep
45. Can’t Find Mouth With Glass
46. Falling Down
47.  Walking Strangely
48. Disheveled Clothing
49. Overly Friendly to Other Guests or Employees

50. Smells of Alcohol!

This is a good list, my favorites for my own use including 5, 17, 25, 48, 29, and 33, and sometimes 41, 31, and 20 even when I haven’t been drinking. However, I think that there are some good universal rules of thumb that they might consider including in future editions of the list. I posit that the following are also fail safe indicators of drunkeness:
51. Dancing for undetermined or inadequate reason
52. Demanding to hear Prince, even in the absence of a sound system
53. Groups of five girls trying to sing a karaoke song that only one of them knows.
54. And she doesn’t have the microphone
55. If it’s from the Grease soundtrack, doubly so
56. Nostalgic statements about television of the 1980s, desire for various bands to get back together and tour.
57. Feats of Strength
58. Longing for Pancakes
59. Temporary Lesbianism
60. Stories from High School
61. Accessorizing for humorous effect
62. Tolerance for techno music
63. Bets and Dares
64. Repeats themselves
65. In possession of OLCC list with several things checked off
66. Covered in blood and feathers
67. Repeats themselves
68. Exists in more than 4 dimensions
69. Wears an ankh (sorry, that’s top 50 signs of being a goth)
70. Is a goth
71. Repeats themselves
72. Believes they are drinking their drink, but are sipping wax out of a bar candle.
73. Says: “I’m so drunk.”
74. Lists the drinks they have had.
75. Any one of the drinks is named after genitals or a sex act.
76. Forgets how many drinks they have had, and decides to start the count over.
77. Forms, joins or quits a band
78. Turns red, falls asleep in Dante’s*
79. Sings along to a song in one’s head
80. Is a zombie but is not interested in brains.
81. Is observed hitting on a musician
82. Is observed hitting on the bartender
83. Is observed hitting on a comedian (very poor judgement at this stage)
84. Is observed hitting on the DJ (time to call the ambulance, this happens right before unconsciousness)

I hope that this helps everyone in the future!

*Only applies to S.B