Looking for Love on a Trail of Breadcrumbs

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, love and dating

 I had a really great first date with a curly-haired breadcrumber who kept in sporadic touch with me, which made me sad because I really had fun on our date and wanted to see him again.


There are lots of ways that technology has changed the way we interact with each other.   A few years ago, if you’d been dating someone and you didn’t want to anymore, you had to say “hey, thanks for dating me, but I don’t want to anymore.”  Now we ghost, fade, or breadcrumb our way out of hard situations.

Ghosting has been well documented: you’ve gone on a not-insignificant number of dates with someone, more than two or three, and then you Keyser Soze them like in Usual Suspects- you’re just in the wind.  No text, no call.  Everyone hates it, but everyone does it, because we feel that having been ghosted implicitly gives you permission to ghost, like being bitten by a werewolf makes you one yourself.

The first time I was ghosted, it really took me by surprise.  I assumed that the person I had been dating for nine months was in rehab or prison (either one would have been a pretty good idea), and when, after two weeks of silence, I saw him tagged in a photo of just hanging out in his favorite bar, I was pretty amazed.  I didn’t call it ghosting, I called it “being dumped by a sociopath”, which is in many ways more accurate.

Ghosting happens because it’s the easiest option, there’s no confrontation, and sometimes, ghosting happens because it never really closes the door- in the ghoster’s mind, they’ve never really broken it off with you, so there’s still a possibility of dating you in case what they’re pursuing also peters out, and also the thing after that, or if they someday reach the end of Tinder and it’s just a picture of a cat with a colander on its head.  Breadcrumbing is the same- they might not want to date you now, but they maybe want to later?  Or not?

Fading is a slow ghost.  Responses just get shorter and less committal until they’re gone, but by the time it’s done, you’ve gotten used to not hearing from them, like when you taper down from smoking or eating carbs.

Monday after a date: You say “That was fun!”  Three hours later they say, “Ya!”  You say “Have a great night!”, they say nothing!

Tuesday: Still nothing

Wednesday: You ask about plans, three hours later they say “rly busy, talk later”

Thursday: Nothing

Friday: You ask, “Hey!  Good week? Weekend plans?”

Saturday:  No word back at all!  Spooky, they’re a ghost!

In many ways, breadcrumbing is even more infuriating than ghosting or fading, and this is how it goes:

They don’t make plans with you for months, but sometimes you’ll get a text out of nowhere that says, “TGIF!” or “Happy 4th!” or “Hope ur gr8!”  The two weeks between Christmas and New Year’s are filled with enough breadcrumbs to fill a bakery, as people who’ve been on two dates with you have a little free time and think “I guess there’s worse things than going out with that girl again.”  They never have a long conversation, they just drop a three syllable text from time to time.  They’re just dropping tiny bits of attention your way to keep you from forgetting about them.

If you respond, they might say something back and they might not.  You might get a picture with a caption that feels generic/out of context, and this is because they’re sending it to a bunch of people.

If you’re Facebook or Insta friends with them, they might wordlessly “like” a particularly nice selfie or adventure photo, just pressing a button and changing the color of a thumb or a heart somewhere in the virtual universe, to remind you that they still exist and on some distant star, they might still like you.  You get just enough interaction to remember that they’re out there, sometimes thinking about you.

I had a really great first date with a curly-haired breadcrumber who kept in sporadic touch with me, which made me sad because I really had fun on our date and wanted to see him again.  I ran into him six months later and he asked me out again, and when I told him no, he was really surprised.

Me: “I have a two-three week test period on first dates.  Your window of opportunity to ask me out again has long since expired.”  (This is fancier than how I really said it, I think the f-word was in my original response.)

Him: “Oh!  I wish I’d known that was a requirement.” (That’s what he really said)

Me: “I think it’s pretty normal.  If I see you every six months, that’s less often than my parole officer or my hairdresser.  That’s not dating.  I don’t know what it is.”

If the ghoster is keeping you in cold storage, the breadcrumber is just keeping you on the bench.  They might get back to you.  They might not.  They’re “keeping in touch.”  It’s infuriating.  It’s insulting.  And it’s a tiny, gradual waste of your life.

What are they after?

They’re either just a player and they like to have lots of people in rotation or else, and this is the sadder option: they really think this is what dating is, that if they keep meeting people eventually one will be the right one, and until they’re sure you’re not the right one, they’d better keep you on the line.

What’s hard to explain to a breadcrumber is that romantic attachment doesn’t happen like in the movies, where you both reach for the last box of brown cinnamon Pop-Tarts at Von’s and your eyes lock and you fall hard.  Romantic attachment and feeling is something two compatible people who like each other build, with communication and intention, not with breadcrumbs but out of whole slices of bread.

What do you do if you’re being breadcrumbed?

The only way to stop it is to be clear about what you want from the other person: to say, “Hey, I’m interested in you.  Do you want to make plans with me?”  If they respond, great, go out with that person and be honest and open and look for the same.  If they don’t respond with plans, block the breadcrumber and cross them off your list of prospects.  Now, you can spend all the time you spent waiting to hear back from them talking to people who want to date you, and put that emotional energy into people who’ll give it back!

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/looking-for-love-on-a-trail-of-breadcrumbs/2/#sthash.8KKcLPqp.dpuf

When “sup” is not enough and “screw you pig” doesn’t work: How To Talk To Women Online

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, love and dating

This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message from the same guy, and we discovered it was the same message.


Sometimes my friends and readers ask me questions for Love.tv that they think I might have fun answering, or that, god forbid, they actually want my answers to, so many thanks to my anonymous friend Zeke Shandy for this excellent question:

“After ten years of internet dating, I’m still, I guess, awful at it.  How do I break the ice with a woman online?”

There are as many different approaches to this as there are women in the world, but I’d like to offer some advice based on my own internet dating experiences.  Not showing off, but I’ve been single a lot.  Lots and lots.

OKCupid released a study last year claiming it’s a numbers game, and the best bet for men is to send as many messages as possible, and that blasting “Hey, how are you?” to five hundred women will get more first responses than spending the same time to actually try to connect with fifty women.  I find this lazy and ineffectual: the message of a person who is putting forth the absolute minimum effort annoys me.  This also includes “Hey.”  “Howdy.”  “What’s up.”  “How’s your weekend.” This approach employs the math of internet dating: trying to attract as many potential mates as possible so that you can sort through them later, but I am a proponent of an old fashioned idea that you might like someone because you found their personality attractive, and you don’t wish to go on 500 dates with people who just ask how your weekend was.

I also don’t like when a message seems cut-and-pasted- although again, statistically, this is not supposed to matter.   This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message from the same guy, and we discovered it was the same message.  Guys, I know the internet makes it feel like there are infinite numbers of single women to talk to, but there aren’t, and we talk to each other.   She called him on it and he said I’m sorry, I have to send too many messages to women, I can’t write them all individually.  Well, perhaps our bots can date?

Check out these do’s and don’ts!

DO: Mention what made you smile in her profile.

This is lots easier on sites like OK Cupid and Match.com with its questions and essays than it is on Tinder or other visual-based apps- where it’s easy to make initial connections, but hard to maintain ‘em.  After you’ve established that you’re both people who love standing in front of painted angel wings, where do you go from there?  Get her talking about an interest you have in common!

DON’T: Write a five paragraph essay mentioning your thoughts on every single thing in her profile

– this feels slightly stalkery and also responding to it will feel like work.  Keep in mind that we’re all probably tapping out responses on phones while waiting in line for coffee, so thoughtful brevity is good!

DO: Make it clear that you’d like to connect with her.

I get a lot of super non-committal messages.  If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t.  If asking me out feels like work, don’t do it.  Easy!

DO: Ask her out if you enjoy talking to her, and feel like she is responsive to you.

After a couple of days of back-and-forth, I’ll stop responding just because I’m a person with a finite amount of time on this earth and I can’t spend it telling twenty people how my weekend was.  Try and make an assessment in a day or two and ask if she’d like to meet.

DON’T: Get mad if she doesn’t want to give you her phone number.

I’ve had a ton of trouble with this, because I think guys think it protects them from being catfished- but if I haven’t met you, I don’t feel safe giving you my number.  Please respect that and don’t #notallmen me.  I know not all men will text with crazy abuse, but it only took one to change my policy.

DO: Be positive and fun.

If you’ve just started talking to someone, it might feel fun to immediately talk about the terrible experiences you’ve had on the dating scene, or how you specifically DON’T like something in her profile- but I don’t know where to go from there.  There’s so many ways to make a conversation fun, so try one of them!

GIVE SOMETHING TO GET SOMETHING: Starting a conversation is awkward.

Try and ask a question that you’d be interested in hearing the answer to, and then write something back when she responds!  If you just respond to her last message “GOOD”, or “OK” or “bathroom”, don’t be surprised when you don’t hear back.

DON’T mention her attractiveness:

I know you think you’re being flattering, but I assume if you’re writing me, you think I’m attractive.  Having a stranger dwell on your looks is off-putting.

DON’T start with sexy talk:

Attention that’s very welcome from someone you’ve met and are interested in is not welcome from a stranger.  I know my friend Zeke wouldn’t do it, and you shouldn’t either.  I know it feels like a compliment to tell a lady you’re thinking about motorboating them tits, but it isn’t.

I know internet dating is hard.  I know it can feel like work.  I know it’s hard to appear interested and share a little of yourself with another person, but I think that’s the only way to get any good out of it- ultimately, we’re all here to connect and learn and have good experiences!  Good luck, Zeke!

Anyone with a question can DM me on Facebook or Twitter, where I am @badiniadones!

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/how-do-i-talk-to-a-girl-in-2016-the-internet-edition/3/#sthash.ndChtkQI.dpuf

10 Years In!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy

Today is my 10th anniversary of stepping onstage at the Boiler Room with  Andy Wood, Gabe Dinger, Kevin Michael Moore, Bobby Hacker, Kyle Harbert, Jimmy Newstetter, Randy Mendez and Richard Bain.

I moved to Los Angeles four years ago, firmly believing that I was pretty much done developing as a comedian, and I was totally not right, and I’m totally glad. Unfortunately, I have just gotten weirder, more idiosyncratic, and less marketable. Here’s me two years in.

 

 

Here’s my lid-blower post about my first time: http://www.badinia.com/index.php/2006/05/30/one-down-999-to-go/

Gothic American is EVERYWHERE!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in comedy, Gothic

Bandcamp: Listen for free, or order it for seven bucks!

http://virginiajones.bandcamp.com/album/gothic-american

Itunes for 10:

https://itun.es/us/uZwm_

Spotify:

Pandora:

http://www.pandora.com/virginia-jones/gothic-american

 

Top Review: 5*

Artful comedy with soul- Virginia knows who she is.  Her comedy is exactly what good art should be, the sum total of the artists’ experience, soaked in impactful emotions and presented with a cohesive voice honed from years of focus and dedication to the form.  Virginia’s fans know, and now you can learn just how smart, funny and willing to poke fun at herself this jewel of the comedy scene sis.  Even her dick jokes are original!  Do you know how hard that is?  Buy this album!

Gothic American!

Posted on Leave a commentPosted in artsy fartsy, comedy, glendalia, Gothic, gothixxx, halloween, los angeles, portland

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I’m so excited to announce the release of my first album on Itunes today!

http://itunes.apple.com/album/id1060203732?ls=1&app=itunes

You can also buy a lovely autographed CD from me with additional art from Pete Ellison!

http://virginiajones.bandcamp.com/album/gothic-american

If you’ve ever wondered what I think about Caitlyn Jenner, Bill Cosby, Michael Jackson, feminism, catfood, Hot Topic, Northern White Rhinos, Dallas, Texas, Youtube, or gay rights, they’re all here!  This record was recorded at the Complex, and if you were there, maybe you can hear your laugh!

Buy it, rate it, share it, love it, send it to your Mom, and most of all, pay me money for it!

PRICING STRUCTURE

  1. $7- you can have the record on Bandcamp!  Right away!
  2. $10- you can have the record on digital from Itunes, on CD, or both and if you buy a CD I’ll autograph it and I’ll think good things about you.
  3. $30- you get the record and you can buy me lunch
  4. $40- you get the record and I’ll buy you lunch
  5. $50- you get the record, and you can tell people you’re my friend, both on social media and in life.
  6. $60- you get the record, I’ll take you out singing karaoke and some of my social cachet could rub off on you!
  7. $70- You get the record and I’ll lend you something out of my closet and you can wear it and everything!  There’s restrictions on this.  Nothing with a European label.  Don’t be ridiculous.
  8. $100- Matching tattoos.  Dealer’s choice.  Something small.
  9. $1000- We can get married.  No paperwork, ceremony and photo session only.  Also, an autographed CD to remember our special day with!

THANK YOU for your support, THANK YOU for buying my record, and THANK YOU for being you.