Adventures in Casinos- Spirit Mountain Edition!

Posted Posted in comedy, portland
I told a secret to a wolf at Spirit Mountain Casino.

Last night I did a comedy show with one of my favorite ladies, Susan Rice, at Spirit Mountain Casino in Grand Ronde. It was one of those shows where we performed to people who did not know they were being performed to, and who mostly just wanted to eat oversized desserts and then go put their money in plasma-screen slot machines. However, we soldiered on, had fun, and tried to maintain a PG-13 rating.

I got up this morning to return to civilization, using my food voucher to secure a soy latte for the road. It is never clearer that I am far from home than when I visit a casino coffee shop.br /I was sold a bagel, which was wearing a sticker proudly proclaiming that it was fresh on Tuesday. I decided not to eat it, but it functioned very well in the car as kind of a cinnamon-raisin air freshener. They do have soy milk- score!- but the barista asks if I have a food allergy, or if I “make a choice” not to drink milk. I explain to her that I am a total pain-in-the-ass vegan. People really seem to prefer when it’s not a moral stance- if I just had a lactose allergy, it wouldn’t be a judgement on her life.br /I also have a personalized coffee cup with all my favorite stuff on it that I got at Star*ucks, and carry from town to town like a security blanket- if you want the same one, you can download the art here, or use it as a template for your own amazing tumbler! As I handed it over, the very sincere barista asked if I would mind if she made my coffee in a paper cup, like regular, and then poured it into my travel cup. I pointed out to her sweetly, that really doesn’t save a tree, does it? And she said, oooooh. I guess not!

Oh pinko Portland! How I love thee!

Nothing can prepare you for casino life. Wolf shirts are worn without irony. People smoke cigarettes INSIDE. You think you can take it? I’d like to see you try!

Astoria, OR!

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What would you do if you opened up the Coastal Weekend publication and this majestic beast of an advertisement stared you in the face? Up to 30 people came down and took us up on the offering of two ladies doing comedy in the Pacific Northwest’s oldest standing masonic lodge.  Mommas, lock up your sons.  Many thanks to the hilarious a Susan Rice for showing me how it’s done.

No Questions, No Photos

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I know some people have been asking when they can see me do more than a drunken five minutes of jokes in a smoky room full of comics who are talking about who has given whom a social disease. Good news! I have been invited to do a half an hour of material featuring for one of my favorite chicks, the hilarious Susan Rice, on December 14th. The bad news is that it’s in Astoria, OR, at the Labor Temple, at 934 Duane St. I hope that Ron Bennington will be pleased I’m doing a gig where Goonies was filmed.
If you like comedy and live in Astoria, please come! Especially if you’re my hairdresser’s mom, the wonderful Kristi Bullock from Do! Rad Cuts And Color.
As long as I’m plugging, please vote for Susan in Ziddio’s Lucky 21 contest!

Postscript: Wednesday, Dec 5th (Next Week!) I will be doing 15 minutes at the Hungry Tiger Too at 9!

207 SE 12th Ave
Portland, OR 97214

PIZZAZZ, where is thy STING?

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DOLLY VIDEO HERE!

I had the most fun ever last night not winning anything (except the hearts of the audience) in the sold-out Mercury Pizzazz talent show, thank you so much for attending if you were in attendance. Here is some behind-the-scenes gossip:

1. After the first act, the stagehands were walkie-talking each other about the vast amounts of unicorn blood that had to be mopped up.

2. One of CJ’s dolls was a replacement from that very week, speaking to the hard work and talent involved!

3. The question that everyone has about Diamond Motion’s Madison is answered by the phrase: stuffing and wig tape.

4. White Stripes and Arcade Fire be damned, the music that rocks Portland is by Miss Bonnie Tyler, whose Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out For A Hero opened and closed the show, respectively.

5. The song I used in my tap routine is the subtle and hilarious Hell, by Angel Corpus Christi.

Congratulations to acrobatic masters KAZUM for their second-place winnings of $500 and a pile of street cred! It was an amazing moment when the #1 spot was given to a breakdancing act, because of the rush of hot air BOOOs flowing over the stage.

Although we did not get to watch the show in the green room, as I understand it, this broken and bloody apocalyptic unicorn was a ROBBED, being the crowd favorite who didn’t win:

A sad story, indeed!